I also send a messenger to Imperial University asking for a few days off claiming to be sick.
After all things being taken care of, I ride my horse to the village. I need some alone time to think everything through.
Our old house in village stays the same. Once in a while, we come back and stay a couple of days. Jinu has hired people keeping it clean and ready all the time.
When I get there, my headache still lingers. Not as bad as in the morning. I take a cold shower and go to bed immediately afterwards.
I wake up in the middle of the night. The headache stays. I get up and try to get something to eat. But I find no food at home. We no longer have chicken in the yard since nobody takes care of them. So I decide to go to the lakeside. Our duck farm and fish farm are still there, I should be able to get some duck eggs.
With a lantern in hand, I walk through the bamboo woods and come to the lakeside. The eggs are easy to gather. Nearby dogs bark a lot. I quickly go home in case anybody wakes up and gets scared by me.
I make the scramble eggs for myself and then boil some hot water for tea. I like the simple life in the village, but I don’t regret us moving to Chang’an. If we did not move, I probably had no other choice but marrying into Huang family.
However since we moved to Chang’an, I have been caught into a big web. The more I struggled, the tighter the strings over me become. At the end of it, I have completely lost myself.
This is not my world. No matter how long I have lived here, how involved I have become. My world is somewhere else. Just like the way I came here, I might wake up one morning in my bedroom in San Diego. As long as the history stays the same, I still have a chance to go back to my original world.
Now I have the proof that history has its own track which I cannot tamper with. Huo will have a son. Just like I have read in history book. He will not be able to marry her since he has been engaged with me under the imperial decree. Of course it doesn’t matter to him. A guy might only have one formal wife, but he can have unlimited concubines.
It seems like the only purpose of me being in this world is to stop him from getting married to the beautiful woman who not only satisfies every single requirements he has for a wife, tender, obedient and beautiful, but also will bear him a son.
How crazy is this! I laugh at myself. I have never envisioned myself to play such a despicable role in his life.
I am not angry, at least, not at anybody else. If there is one to blame, it is me myself. I already know how everything is going to happen, yet I still get myself into such a mess. If it’s not my stupidity, I don’t know what else it can possibly be.
I do feel the pain, as a knife stabs into your heart, blood all over, even breathing is painful. It is the kind pain that sticks with you no matter what you do, where you go or when you sleep or awake. You just want to scream, yell and howl in the wilderness until bled to death. I used to think heartbroken is just a literary description, but now I know it is physical. Not only can I no longer feel the heart beating, I can also see my heart sinking lower than the ground underneath me.
I know if I stay inside the house, I will go crazy. So I try to get myself busy. I pick up the apron I have left here, put it on and walk back to the lakeside again.
It is before the dawn, the darkest and coldest time of a day. The light from my lantern illuminates dimly. But I can still see the light fog flowing around the bamboo woods. The cool and fresh air clears my head. I can hear the flopping sound as ducks get in the water. It is too early for anybody to be here to attend the ducks yet.
I find myself a flat rock to sit down and put my lantern next to me. I did not bring any coat, so the early morning chill makes me shivering. I wrap my knees with my two arms and rest my head on my knees.
The marriage with Huo is out of the question. Even living in Chang’an is no longer possible for me. I do not want to see, hear or know anything about him anymore. I do not even wish to have anything to do with him even remotely.
I have been an interlude in his otherwise grand masterpiece. He will be a forgotten chapter in my book as well. I have lost my head and he has detoured his way. It is not too late for us to go back to where we should have been.
My dream of traveling the world, which has been forgotten since the engagement, resurrects again. The long lost feeling of no attachment also comes back to me. How could I let all my happiness and all my future tie to somebody else?
According to the Zen Buddhism, the root of suffering is attachment. And I have attached myself to somebody who I should have stayed far away from beginning.
From now on, I tell myself, no more attachment for me. I come as I’d like, I go as I’d like. I belong to no one, and I belong to no place, in my case, I don’t even belong to any space time.
I start thinking about leaving Chang’an. I can get all the money from my perfume store. It will make Aunt Red tight for a while, but the new club business should help her out quickly, she should be able to recoup easily. But without bank, it will be very hard for me to carry all gold with me. It will also make me an easy target for robbery.
So my options is to go with less money and work my way around. It is not practical since it is very hard to find a job for a woman. The other option will be having my own boat and modify it to be secure, which I am sure I can make it happen. This way I can stay on boat as my home with gold safely stored and go on shore to buy whatever I need. I can travel in the boat not far from the coast.
The more I think about this plan, the more excited I become. Externally, I might not be as beautiful as Huo’s lover, but internally, I still have a beautiful brain that can help me navigate in this world.
When the long arms wrap me tight, I am surprised to find Zhao Yan’s smiling face.
“Is it really you?” I ask him unable to believe he is really here. So I touch his face. It’s cold and stubby.
“Of course it’s me.” He gives me a broad smile.
“When did you come back?” I ask him, still in disbelief.
“The day before yesterday.” He says. “I went to your home last night and they told me you are here. So I come here as soon as the city gates open.”
“Are you coming back to stay or are you leaving soon?”
“I am leaving soon.” He says.
“Oh.” I lower my head. “That’s good too.”
We become silent.
“I heard the news of your engagement.” He finally breaks the silence. “I wanted to come back before your wedding and make sure that is what you want.”
I smile. “What wedding! There is not going to be a wedding.”
“What do you mean?” He frowns.
“The engagement is over.” I tell him with a brave smile. “It’s all over now.”
I laugh gently and I continue telling him. “But it’s all good. I was upset at first. But I have sorted everything out. It turns out to be a good thing. I have lost my head for a while. I gave up my freedom for something that should have never been mine. I believed in something that turns out to be false. Now I know how wrong I have been and I am free again. No more strings, no more responsibilities, and no more attachment. I can do whatever I want again.”
He looks at me deeply.
“Don’t you think it’s great?” I ask him for the approval. “I have been taught, since I was a kid, that freedom is a precious thing. But only until now, I finally understand what it truly means. I can live without considering anybody else. I laugh, I cry, I live, or I die, it is all going to be as I wish. I finally get my freedom back. Isn’t it something worth celebration?”
He put both of his hands around my face. When his thumbs rub through my cheeks, I realize tears have been all over my face.
“I will kill him.” He says to me firmly. “I will kill him to let you hurt like this.”
I shake my head. “Please don’t do that. It’s not his fault. I should not have been in his life from the beginning. It is all over now. I won’t see him ever again.”
> “Come with me.” He watches me intensely. “I will never break your heart like this.”
“I can’t.” I look at him through the layer of tears. “I just can’t.”
“I am not asking you to marry me or anything like that.” He says it frustratedly and annoyingly. “I am inviting you to my home, to see how we live on steppe. Didn’t you tell me that you want to see different part of world? Come to see my home. It is quite different from here. You will like it there. With all the freedom you want.”
I have to say his invitation is very attempting.
“You won’t ever force yourself on me again?” I ask him.
“No, I will never force you to do anything you don’t want.” He says it bitterly.
“And I can leave whenever I want?”
“Yes, you can leave whenever you want. But please stay there at least for a few months, otherwise you won’t know how beautiful steppe is.”
A few months is not a long time. And I have always been interested in Xiongnu, who has been such strong and tough people surviving in the most harsh environment. After Huo sweeps Xiongnu out of Xiongnu steppe in another two years, one branch of Xiongnu will migrate towards Europe and eventually will build the Hunnic Empire. At the fourth century, the ruler of Hunnic Empire, Attila, will become the main challenger of both east and west Roman Empire. Attila’s Hunnic Empire is said to be the ancestor to Hungarian. My grandpa used to joke about him being the descendant of Attila.
I still remember when my grandpa told me about this, I told him about General Wei and General Huo. We have traced on map of every major battles Attila had, comparing with the strategy Xiongnu had with Han army. Every time my grandpa or I found out any information on them, we share to each other excitedly. When my grandpa on my mom side, who is a historian specializing in Han Dynasty, found out about this, he joined us too. It has been our favorite topic among three of us.
“So what do you think?” Zhao Yan asks me again.
“Can we leave now?” I ask him.
My mom used to say when life throws you a curve, you just run it through. But I am unable to run with it this time.
I became sick as soon as Zhao Yan took me on the journey. At first I thought I still suffered from the hangover from the drink I had with Li Gan, so I rode the horse along with Zhao Yan until I could not hold myself up any more. I insisted on us crossing over the Weihe River overnight. And that decision made us miss the opportunity to get a hotel at the next town in time. We ended up camping in the woods.
When Zhao Yan woke me up in the middle of the night, I could feel myself burning up high.
“Shiaonu,” he said to me. “We have to go back to Chang’an and find you a doctor.”
“No.” I grabbed his arm. “Don’t go back, I’d rather die here.”
“But your fever is too high.” He looked worried.
“Soak me in the river.” I told him.
He did. He soaked me into the river and that broke my high fever.
I also taught him, during my awake time, how to rub the Baijiu on my body when my fever was too high. He bought a carriage to place me since I could not ride horse any more. I suffered from aches, not just headaches, but also muscle aches. Every inch of my body was hurting. A few times, I thought I was going to die since I also had a hard time breathing. I thought it was caused by my tight bra. But after Zhao Yan took off all my clothes, I still could not breathe. The pain in my chest sometimes can be so excruciating that I felt a knife has been stabbed there permanently.
I have been passing in and out consciousness during the whole journey. When we finally got to the border place called Jilusai, he took me to a hotel and found me a doctor.
“As soon as we cross Jilusai, we will be in Xiongnu’s territory.” He says to me when I am awake.
Jilusai has been an important fortress along the border. It is located at the narrowest part of a valley next to Yellow River. It is a perfect place to defend the intruder. Yellow River, Jilusai and Great Wall have formed a strong hold for Han.
But to me, Jilusai reminds of Huo, who crossed this place early this year to attack Xiongnu. Who would ever thought, in two months, I will take the same route to Xiongnu. Only this time, everything has changed.
The thought of him has caused the pain emotionally and physically.
“Why do you pick this location to cross the border?” I ask Zhao Yan.
“I feel safer to cross the border at the earliest time.” He says. “As soon as we cross, I can take you to King Xiutu’s territory.”
“You do know he has just lost the war to…” I cannot finish my sentence.
Both King Xiutu and King Hunye has been attacked by Huo two month earlier and has lost lots of peoples and properties. With the winter coming, they will have hard time surviving the cold weather. According to history, both of them will soon surrender to Han. Emperor Wu will send Huo again to accept their surrender and take control of the area.
“We have to cross the border right away.” I tell Zhao Yan in a hurry. “We need to go now.”
“Why?” Zhao Yan is surprised by my sudden urgency.
“Something is going to happen.” I tell him. “If we don’t cross right now, we might not be able to cross for a long time.”
“Shiaonu.” Zhao Yan looks upset. “Why don’t you tell me what do you know and let me figure out what we need to do?”
By this time, with my constant unconsciousness, I have no other choice but telling him. “King Xiutu and King Hunye will surrender to Han. If everything goes as I know, Huo Qubing should be here very soon to take over the control of their territory. There will be rebellions and bloodshed. If we want to get to your place, we need to leave now.”
I pass out after I finish.
When I wake up again, we have left the border far behind.
“It happened.” He says to me after he feed me the herbal soup. “Just like you have described. Huo Qubing and his army were right behind us. Luckily you told me, otherwise I was planning to meet King Xiutu and stay at his place until you recover.”
“Is King Xiutu still alive?” I ask him.
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “I did not go to see him. Instead I just kept going. But I did see Huo Qubing’s army crossing the border.”
I sigh. By now, King Xiutu should have been dead. At the last minute, King Xiutu changed his mind. But it was too late. Huo has already crossed the Yellow River. As soon as Huo found out about King Xiutu’s change-of-mind, he led his troops and killed anyone who is not willing to surrender. Eight thousands Xiongnu soldiers were killed.
“I can’t believe King Xiutu and King Hunye decided to surrender to Han.” Zhao Yan says, more to himself than to me.
Actually King Hunye is going to be fine. Emperor Wu rewards him with money and land. His whole tribe will be relocated to a new place, where they thrive for years to come.
For King Xiutu, since his last minute change of heart, his people will not be that lucky. They will all become slaves to Han. Even his sons will become the stable boys taking care of horses. But very soon, his oldest son will be discovered and promoted by Emperor Wu. When Emperor Wu dies, the oldest son of King Xiutu will be one of the four regents, along with Huo Guang.
History is always more interesting than we can ever imagine. Huo’s brother and King Xiutu’s son will work together side by side in front of Emperor Wu.
“They will be fine.” I tell Zhao Yan. “I believe they made the right decision for their tribes.”
“Don’t say that.” Zhao Yan gets mad at me. “Don’t forget you are now in Xiongnu’s territory. Who knows, you might end up staying here forever after you marry a Xiongnu.”
“If I don’t die before that.” I chuckle quietly.
I believe I have pneumonia, and without antibiotics, I don’t know how long I can last.
27 Journey to Xiongnu
The doctor at Jilusai has given Zhao Yan a lot of herb medicine. It requires the making of herbal soup every day.
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br /> I have been too weak to know when and how Zhao Yan makes the herbal soup, but I have been woken up by him consistently to take the soup.
When I wake up again from my long sleep, I see Zhao Yan squatting down not far from carriage. He is carefully fanning a fire, where there is a clay pot on the top. It is getting dark. The sparks from the fire makes crispy crackling sounds in the quiet wilderness.
“Zhao Yan.” I call him.
He turns and smiles right away when he sees me.
He walks to me and touches my forehead to check the temperature. “The temperature is good.”
“Where are we?” I ask him.
“We are in the Gobi Desert.” He says.
“What are you doing?” I ask him, still feeling weak and having difficulty breathing.
“I am making the herbal soup for you.” He says. “The doctor says you need to have it every day.”
I wipe away the smoke stain from his face. Both of us are dirty and smelly. I don’t even remember my last shower. There has been no hotel since we crossed the border. Occasionally when we pass the lake or river, Zhao Yan wipes me down with a towel.
“I am sorry that I have become such a burden to you.” I say to him. Without me, he has probably arrived home already. “You can just leave me here. I will be fine.”
He gives me a very quick kiss on my cheek. “Silly, you are my rose, not my burden. I am going to take you home as I have told you.”
I know he is referring to the song I have sung to him before. I am too weak to say anything but to squeeze out a vague smile.
“Don’t worry, we are very close now.” He says. “We should be able to get to my place tomorrow evening.”
The feeling of suffocating makes me taking short and quick breathes. He helps me by smoothing my back with his hand.
Even when we get to his place, it won’t make me feel any better. I feel desperate and depressed.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 27