My Soul is in the Sky

by Summer Murong

  “I want to move out and live on my own.” I say to them. “I have been married and there is no reason for me to live at my parents’ home any more. It will be better for me to have my own individual house.”

  While Niang is against it, everyone else stays silent. I know how she hurts inside, but I am too exhausted to comfort her.

  Seeing no response from them, I get up and go back to my courtyard. I fall into sleep almost immediately again.

  Jinu takes me to see a few houses nearby, but I don’t like any of them. I want to live far away and live alone. I don’t want any visit from anybody.

  Then he finds a house close to a nursery. It is outside of Chang’an, but not too far. When I find out that was the nursery Zhao Yan and I have been to, without even looking at it, I’ve already made up my mind to live there.

  It is a small house with a small front courtyard. The wall is high and the rooms are small. But I like it. With some modification, I can see myself living there. The best part is I can walk to the nursery.

  I quickly move in without any upgrade. I need to be alone desperately. I don’t want to worry about hiding my red puffy eyes in the morning any more, nor do I have to gather all my strength to be normal at every meal time, and only find out my effort is useless. I have been the source of low pressure atmosphere floating in my parent’s household. I don’t want to see them on their toes whenever I am around, even the cries from the babies are to be hushed while I was there.

  I refuse to have any maid living with me. I am used to taking care of myself. Solitude is my best companion, day and night.

  After I send everyone away and close the gate behind me, I finally can cry freely.

  I miss him terribly. I can almost hear his voice and his footsteps. Even every horse neigh outside makes me want to rush out and greet him like I always did. It is more difficult at night. The quietness, the coldness, and the loneliness make me go over every single moment we have spent together again and again.

  I stay inside the house most of the time. Occasionally I take the walk to the nursery, to buy some flowers or to chat with the owner. He still remembers me and Zhao Yan. I tell him I have married him but he just passed away. Seeing my tears, he tells me to visit nursery any time I want.

  My days are long and my nights are even longer.

  I cry until I am exhausted into sleep, then I wake up and cry more. My parents ask the maid to deliver the meal for me once a day. I think it is also a way making sure I am still alive. But even once-a-day visit bothers me. So I tell her to bring uncooked food once a few days and I will take care of myself.

  I start cooking for myself and cleaning around the house. There is a well in the courtyard. I can retrieve water by rolling the wheels placed above.

  I also start doing some simple upgrade to make the house more comfortable.

  Soon I realize I have to hire carpenters to help me.

  The nursery owner recommended two carpenters for me. Both of them are quiet and honest guys with families to support. They live close by, so they come in the morning and go home in the afternoon. I order a few customized tools for them from a nearby blacksmith to make their works a bit easier.

  For every room, I ask them to lay the wood floor with lacquer finish and cover it with furs. I am used to having furs underneath my feet. I remember when I told Zhao Yan there would be faux fur in the future, he would not believe me. Then I told him there would be fake flowers, fake hair, and even fake boobs. He laughed so hard on the last one.

  The carpenters also build a covered porch outside my main room, extending out to the front courtyard. Double layered sliding doors are also installed. I can use the white silk covered door when it’s warm and bright, and thick secured door when it’s cold and windy.

  They make a large futon bed, trunks and dressers. They all decorated with carved roses, the same pattern in the ger, just no longer in bright red. Bright red, a color reserved for newlywed, is too thorny in my eyes now. And then the realization of why Zhao Yan prepared the ger in that color makes me cry for days. He has prepared it as our wedding ger before he came to Chang’an. The color of the ger, the rose pattern on the furniture, the carriage he kept, all pieces have been finally put together. And it is like a sharp knife slicing through my heart.

  Knowing my newly widowed status and seeing my always puffed red eyes, one of the carpenters suggested to use a lacquer finish with dark mahogany tone. I take the suggestion right away.

  I also start working on the garden of my courtyard, where I dedicate one portion for fresh vegetables and fruits. One of the drawback living on steppes is the lack of vegetables and fruits. Although you can eat bear’s garlic and mushrooms in the spring and summer time, they are not readily available. You have to look around to find them and then handpick them yourself. I have picked and stored dried mushroom for winter, but it is really a lot of work and I gave it up quickly. I have also made Tofu a couple of time, but with only salt and sugar as ingredients, I also got tired of it.

  When my house gets into the shape that I have envisioned. I believe I have also sorted out what I am supposed to do.

  I go to Zhao Yan’s tanning shop and meet with the new owner. Luckily he has seen me at the worship gathering and he is willing to help me. I ask him to find out the information about Zhao Yan’s tribe. If his first wife stays, I’d like to have one of the two guys Zhao Yan have left to me to come and meet me in Chang’an. Since the message will be delivered by a messenger, I would also like him to send another message to a manager of a Baijiu store at Shuofang. I would like to see him as well in Chang’an.

  I don’t know how they deliver messages back to Xiongnu, but within two months, both of them come to Chang’an, along with a message from Zhao Xin. He has taken Zhao Yan’s tribe under his wing and he is willing to get me back to Xiongnu whenever I want to.

  I first meet with the store manager and ask him to continue collect all the profit from other stores. But once a year at fall I would like him to buy food and other living necessities. The guy from Zhao Yan’s tribe will go to his store every year before moon festival and take all the prepared food back to his tribe.

  Zhao Yan has always taken his responsibilities to his tribe seriously. He would feel so hurt if he sees his tribe members suffering, especially most guys from the tribe died in the battle of Mobei. The store manager grew up with Zhao Yan in the tribe. After Zhao Yan came to Chang’an, he came along and later married a Han. He settled down in Shuofang when Zhao Yan started the Baijiu Business. He has been managing all the stores for Zhao Yan, besides the one in Shuofang. I also tell him if there is anything happens to me, then the ownership of all stores goes to Zhao Xin. But I don’t want Zhao Xin knows about this until its necessary.

  Although it is summer now and the life on the steppes can probably get by, but when winter comes, it will be very tough. Xiongnu has lost ninety thousands of grown men and millions of livestock. Most of land where their winter camps once were, has now been seized by Han. I can only imagine how tough it will be living in Siberia in winter.

  After I send the store manager away, I then take the tribe guy for a shopping spree. I buy gifts for Zhao Yan’s four wives and every family of the tribe. For the families who have lost their men in the battle, I send them extra five silver ingots each. It should help them buy whatever is needed for the winter. But I know no matter how much gifts they receive, it can’t help the pain of losing loved one. Just like me, even I feel happy shopping for the tribe and prepare the winter for them, I still have a big void in me that goes with me anywhere I go.

  I take the tribe member to restaurants and order him a lot of different food. He tells me they saw me being taken away by Han soldiers and followed me all the way until the border. When they got the message that I want to see him in Chang’an, they were scared until Zhao Xin told him to come. He then tells me about each and every single families in the tribe and their lives after the war.

  After another day of shopping, with gifts for Z
hao Xin and his family, I send him away with a carriage full of gifts. I hope it will bring some smiles to the devastated families and I hope the arrangement with Baijiu stores can help them survive the winter.

  I then meet with Aunt Red trying to straighten out my own finance. My family paid for my house and all the expenses of upgrading. But for the gifts to the tribe, I have borrowed money from Aunt Red. I agreed with her to look at the book once I am ready.

  The perfume store is still in good business. The soap and perfume has been sold steadily. Others are relatively seasonal. But the surprise is from the social club she opened while I was gone. Aunt Red picked up the concept of brand name. Everything in the club is marked with elegant embroidery. It has become the center of the social activities.

  While she showing me around the luxury club house, I can’t help thinking about the lives in the tribe. The contrast is almost unbearable. I instantly regret on how little I have bought for the tribe. I should have bought more and I should do more.

  Before we started the social club, I have told Aunt red that I would like her to own a quarter of the club. Although it was my idea and my money to start with, but she is the one made it happen and has been managing it ever since. Since the partial ownership, she refuses to get paid for her work in social club. I still pay her for the work in perfume store.

  After we check the book, I realize I can do a lot of things with the money I have accumulated, such as moving the whole tribe into new border cities that Emperor Wu is building and set up new business for them so they can make a living. I start thinking about some business ideas suitable in the border cities that can be run by Zhao Yan’s wives. With mostly women left in the tribe, I think it can be a good business making apparels in cashmere. It can be sold in Han and I am sure it will be welcomed in the winter time.

  I go to tanning shop again. This time, I am sending a message to Zhao Xin. With so many men dead, women in Xiongnu need to make a living on their own. Making cashmere products can help them and their children survive.

  Going back to my own house, I am surprised to find Princess Pingyang waiting for me at my door. I have thought a lot of people might come to visit me once they find out I am back, but not her. She was mad at me last time I saw her at General Wei’s house.

  I Invite her in and bring her a cup of water. Since I just get home, I don’t have any hot water yet.

  “You don’t even have a maid?” She asks me in surprise.

  “No, I am here alone.” I know it will be difficult for her to understand how someone can live without a maid. It even took me a while to get used to the idea of washing my clothes by myself.

  “I heard what had happened to you.” She says to me. “I thought I might be the only one understand what you are going through.”

  I am surprised to listen to this. But I decide to stay quiet and see what she will say next.

  “My first husband passed away when I was twenty seven. I was married him since I was fifteen. I was devastated when he died. I know how much it hurts. If it were not for my son, I don’t even know how I could manage getting through the days, not mention the long nights.”

  Her words bring out my tears. I had never thought Princess Pingyang would be the one knows about the pain and the suffering I am experiencing. But I can tell her sincerity. What she said about the pain has no fluffiness, just purely missing someone, day and night, minute by minute.

  She let me sobbing quietly.

  “Thank you.” I manage to tell her. “I just miss him badly. It was perfect for a while and I was planning to that way for the rest of my life. Then suddenly he’s gone. The thought that he will never come back terrifies me. I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know what I can do without him.”

  She nods and slowly she says. “You need to get out more often. Staying alone makes it worse. Actually that is why I am here today. I’d like you to come to the gathering by the Lake Kunming for the Double Seven Festival. “

  “Where is Lake Kunming?” I ask her. I know about Double Seven Festival. It is a festival celebrated on seventh of July. It is for girls to pray to the Weaver Goddess for the cleverness, to be good at embroidery, be good at cooking and be good at picking the right husband. It is believed, on the seventh of July every year, the Weaver Goddess descends from heaven and meets her cowherd husband and their children on earth. While she is here, she can hear all the prayer that night and will grant the wishes of any girl who prays.

  She smiles. “I heard you have designed that lake.”

  “Oh, My.” I utter my surprise. “It has been built then. Of course I will go. I’d like to see how it is now.”

  “Good, then I will see you that night.” She stands up and ready to leave.

  “Do you mind telling me who will be there?” Thinking about my awkward situation, I have to be careful on where I am going.

  “Empress Wei, Mrs. Chen, Mrs. Gongsun, Princess Dangli and other ladies.” She says. “I have reserved the cruise boat.”

  I become hesitated. I am not ready to meet so many people yet. Especially I don’t know how to meet with Mrs. Chen. She was expecting me to be her daughter-in-law. And for the rest of the Wei family, they were expecting me to be part of their family as well.

  “I…I…” I don’t know how to tell Princess Pingyang about changing of mind. I don’t want to meet them. Touching the ugly past is like opening a can of vomiting. I want to stay away from it as further as possible.

  “I am sorry. I can’t go.” I finally decide to be honest with her, just for sharing her past grief with me.

  “Why?” She asks. “What made you change your mind?”

  “I don’t want to meet anybody from Wei Family.” I say to her flatly. “I am in a very awkward situation. The last time we met, they were expecting me to marry into their family. It will be a very embarrassing meeting for all of us.”

  She laughs. “You have a lot to catch on. A lot of things have happened while you were gone. Trust me, they all want to meet you eagerly. If I did not go to perfume store and saw you there today, I would not have been able to get your address out of the store manager, whom I have to threaten literally. Your family won’t tell a soul where you are about.”

  I am still not sure if I can trust what she has said.

  “At first, we did not know what have happened. But as soon as we knew about Huo Qubing’s woman and her kid. We understood why you had to leave. He is no longer welcomed in my household, or in any of households of Wei Families.” She tells me.

  I widen my eyes in disbelief. He has been the proud of Wei Family and they all turned their back to him. Was it just because of me, or was there something else?

  “You probably don’t know that you have become the idol of a lot of women.” She chuckles. “Who could have imagined that you had the guts to dump him even with a decree engagement? And who else could have imagined that you married somebody else?”

  She shakes her head as if she is still in disbelief on what I have done. I am speechless. The reason I decided to leave was because I did not want to face Huo and his woman. I ran away cowardly. But they thought I was brave. How crazy is this?

  “Life has been too easy for Huo Qubing, he forgot how Wei families have supported him to get him where he is now.” She continues. “Now he enjoys the same ranking as General Wei and his Majesty seeks his consultation only.”

  In another words, Huo has replaced General Wei as the new favorite of Emperor Wu. I cannot help laughing inside at Princess Pingyang’s jealousy speech. She has always taken Wei family as her own. I wonder how long it will take her to realize her true feeling towards General Wei Qing.

  And that was also the reason, even Huo’s mother will not take into his son into her household. Huo has to send his son to the palace and let some woman of Emperor Wu taking care of him. But what about the woman? Why couldn’t she take care of the kid?

  I really have no interest in finding out anything about Huo. But two things are clear: One he becomes the favorit
e one over General Wei to Emperor Wu, and the second, he has been excluded from Wei family.

  “I don’t want to cause any fraction of their family.” I mutter to Princess Pingyang. No matter what happened between them, he grew up in Wei Family. They are his family and I have seen how comfortable he was with them. I can’t imagine he would betray the family. But again, I did not think he would betray me either.

  “He is not a Wei, He is a Huo. He is living with his father and his brother now.” Princess Pingyang says it coldly.

  “I guess I will have to go then.” I say to her. “I am grateful that they still welcome me and trust me.”

  She gives me a long and meaningful look. “You have always been part of our family, not because of Huo, but because you have saved General Wei’s life. We are in debt to you. So stay with us. We don’t want to lose you again.”

  33 Cruise

  In the afternoon of Double Seven Festival, Princess Pingyang sends a horse carriage to me. I rarely go out, so I have declined a horse carriage from my family. I can’t take care of a horse in my house. And it is convenient to hire a cattle carriage nearby.

  I put on the white silk dress I have prepared for this occasion. It is just a simple long dress with white roses embroidered along the hem. In Han, it is a tradition to be in mourning color for passed-away family members. Per the Book of Rites, white is the color for mourning. I have brought nothing but white dresses since I came back go Han.

  Although Zhao Yan would not care at all if I dressed in white or not, I want to do it. It is my way to mourn him. We were never officially married. To me, he was the one I planned to spend my whole life with and I am sure he felt the same.

  But it is necessary to claim my married status in Han. It can prevent me from getting into trouble with marriage law. Nobody can give me any trouble for not getting married.