My Soul is in the Sky

by Summer Murong

  He sighs again. “I understand. That’s why I went to see you instead.”

  “I will come to visit you more often now.” I promise him. “But you need to prepare a new room for me. I don’t want to stay in the old room anymore.”

  He laughs and nods in agreement.

  “All right, I will get it started tomorrow. I have nothing else to do any way.” Then he asks me. “What do you plan to do?”

  “Nothing.” I say. “Worst thing I could do is to run away again. It’s not like I haven’t done that before.”

  “It will not be that simple.” He says. “After what has happened tonight, even if Emperor Wu does not send you to Heqing, he is not going to be happy seeing your influence over Huo. He likes to have him in his palm and you are going to be a distracting force.”

  35 Armor

  General Wei was right about Emperor Wu. When I got home the next day, I found my house surrounded by imperial guards. They don’t confine me inside my house. But everywhere I go, they follow me.

  A new imperial decree has also been announced. The engagement between Huo and me is now officially terminated since I have become a Princess, Princess Hehui, for the work I have done on Lake Kunming. Hehui means peace and knowledge. It is a surprise to everyone, including myself. But then I figure it out after General Wei fills me up with what have happened at the court.

  The topic of Heqing has been discussed at the court openly the very next day after Emperor Wu saw me at his bedroom chamber. Two different opinions have divided the officials. The supporters of Heqing are led by a Boshi, a doctor, from Imperial University. His name is Di Shan, a very noble and respectable scholar. He believes Heqing is going to provide peace for Han since people in Han suffered consecutive wars for the past ten years. The opposition group is led by the imperial secretary, a long time alliance to Wei Family. He criticizes Di Shan of naïve and stupid in believing in Xiongnu’s sincerity. His comments have gained support from both General Wei and General Huo.

  I feel sorry for Di Shan. He might really want to help people in Han by supporting the marriage alliance. But he forgets the war was never about the people in Han or in Xiongnu. It has always been about power and control.

  Emperor Wu sends Di Shan to be a commander of a small post at a border village. One month later, he gets beheaded by Xiongnu soldiers in one raid. After that, nobody in court ever dare to speak in favor of Heqing again.

  By announcing me a Princess, it is also a warning to Huo. While he puts a stop on Heqing, Emperor Wu also gets what he wants, that is to cut away any possible influence from anyone else to Huo. Setting me up as a princess, also makes me a candidate, like other daughters in the royal families, to Heqing, not just with Xiongnu, but with any kingdom.

  Five boxes of wooden hairpins has also been delivered to me the same day I received the imperial decree. There are hundreds of them, all being hand carved. The messengers just leave them with me without saying anything. From the style of hairpins, I recognize the work of Huo and my guess is that he wants to have a closure as well. That’s why he sent them to me the same day when our engagement is officially over.

  By the end of December, Aunt Red has received the first batch of cashmere products consist of scarfs, sweaters, and blankets. They have been sold even before she puts them in the store. She sold all of them in the social club alone. The softness, the light-weight and the thermal capability makes it instantly popular in Chang’an. With the hefty price tag Aunt Red marked, I don’t see any difficulties for the tribal ladies to make a living on their own.

  As for me, my life is as simple as ever. Since I have a group of imperial guards following me around, I rarely go out. I stay home reading, drawing and painting.

  When I get called again to see Emperor Wu, it is almost the middle of January, right in the middle of Spring Festival celebration.

  As before, I follow the eunuch after I enter the Weiyang Palace. Instead of Emperor Wu’s bedroom chamber, where he used to see me, I am led to the Qilin Pavilion. It is a palace built recently, where Emperor Wu likes to exhibit the items he has collected over the years

  Since his announcement of my princessship, I have not even turned in the letter of gratification, which is a custom in Han after someone receiving the reward from the Emperor. I did not do that simply because I don’t believe it is necessary anymore. I already know how Emperor Wu really thinks of me. And my thought towards him is the same. So it is no longer necessary to pretend something that is not.

  I know I can be obstinate, especially in front of a bully. However, it just proves how simple-minded I am in front of Emperor Wu who is the true politician. Things can easily be changed according to his needs, just like how he easily forgot about my previous engagement when he ordered me to marry Chanyu.

  When I enter the hall, I find a roomful top ranking military officials. Emperor Wu welcomes me with the warmest and gentlest manner. Not only he shows big interests in my daily life, which I tell him I have been doing nothing but painting, he praises me on my talent as a painter.

  While he is showing everyone my paintings in the room, I give a quick glance around me. I recognize both General Wei and Huo, as well as my brother Ponu and Li Gan. Everyone looks relaxed and cheerful.

  “Shiaonu, we have captured several from Xiongnu and we have not figured it out what they are. I thought maybe you know something about them.” Emperor Wu says to me.

  “I will try my best.” I bow to him.

  He then gestures the eunuch to bring out the items he was referring to.

  As soon as I see them, tears well up in my eyes. They are the armor and helmet I have made for Zhao Yan. When I found his body, both were gone. They were snatched away from him.

  “Do you know what they are?” Emperor Wu asks me.

  I can only nod with my tears falling down on my face.

  “So you have recognized them.” Emperor Wu’s voice trails down when he sees my tears.

  “Yes, Your Majesty.” I compose myself to answer him. “They are armor and helmet. I made them for my husband. They are supposed to be impenetrable. I thought they would protect him from dying, but apparently, they did not do their work.”

  The room is quiet except the sound of my sniffle of weeping.

  “Li Gan.” Emperor Wu says. “Draw your sword and try them out.”

  Li Gan waves his large sword and smack into the armor. After the sparks coming out, Emperor Wu tells him to stop. They examine the armor and are amazed on how no scratch on it.

  “Shiaonu, how many have you made?” General Wei asks me.

  “I made three.” I tell him. “The other two went to Chanyu and General Zhao Xin.”

  “Can you make more?” Emperor Wu asks me.

  “I suppose so, if I can get certain mine ores.” I say. “They are expensive and rare to find.”

  “What is it made of?”

  “Mostly silver.” I answer him.

  “Can you make better ones?”

  “Sure, gold is always better.”

  “I want you to make three more.” Emperor Wu immediately says to me. “And I want them to be made in gold.”

  “Just as what I have told you, I can make more as long as there is enough gold and other necessary minerals. Some of them, like chrome, only exist in Xiongnu. I haven’t seen them in Han.”

  “Anything you need will bring to you.”

  The night when I get home, Li Gan pays me a visit. He reminds me of the date we have set when we were at the bordering town.

  “Yes, I remember.” I say to him. “I need a drink any way.”

  After a few drinks in quiet, he finally explains to me why he wants to drink with me.

  “I was there when your husband died.” He says. “In fact, I was the one gave the order to hit him with a wood trunk.”

  I start crying. Although I have already known what had caused his death, but hearing it still devastated me.

  “I am sorry.” Li Gan says. “I did not recognize him. Everyone was i
n the midst of madness. As long as anyone who wore different uniform, we just kill. He was one of the few fought till the end.”

  I cry loudly while waving my hand to him not to say any more.

  “Shiaonu.” He continues while ignoring my waving. “If you want to take revenge on me, I won’t even frown. I can’t tell you how awful I feel. I only realized it was him when you said your husband wore that armor.”

  He stops talking and waits for me to cry over his confession. When I can finally talk, I tell him that I don’t blame him. “If it was not you, it will be somebody else. What’s the difference? He is dead. No matter what I do, I can’t get him back.”

  He looks at me incredulously. “You are really not mad at me.”

  “No, “I shake my head. “Both of you were in the battle. It is destined to be that way.”

  I really don’t hold any grudge against Li Gan at all. He was just following the order. If he did not kill Zhao Yan, he might be killed by Zhao Yan. How can I blame him?

  Ten months after Zhao Yan died, I have also come to the realization that he is forever gone. I still remember everything he said, everything we have done. But when I try to paint him, I can never remember what he looked like. I can draw his back, but not his face. I can feel his touch, hear his laugh and his voice when I close my eyes, but never when my eyes are open. I miss his embrace, miss his gentle lips, and miss his warm body. So many nights, I thought I have heard him calling me and holding in his arms. Those were nights I cherish and I wish they never ended.

  “Shiaonu.” Li Gan says to me while I am still weeping. “You put me to shame. I have been blaming General Wei for my father’s death. But now I know how wrong I have been.”

  Li Gan’s father killed himself after the Battle of Mobei. He failed to be at the west battle field on time, thus he missed the whole battle. General Wei asked him to present his case to Emperor Wu. Instead, General Li Guang killed himself.

  Because of the making of armor, Emperor Wu has increased number of imperial guards around me. He wants it to be done in secrecy and he doesn’t want anyone else know the technology. So I only have two helpers who do not know what I am doing either.

  This arrangement really helps me. I do not want to make more armors. The impenetrable armor will only make Emperor Wu more aggressive in the war against others. That’s why I have intentionally exaggerated the use of gold and silver. The high cost will stop him from any attempt of mass production. I asked Jinu making me a hairpin mold and colored all the hairpins Huo has sent to me in gold color.

  A special blacksmith shop has been set up in Wuku for me to work on armor. It is heavily guarded due to the large amount of gold and rare metals. Every day I go to work with a wooden hairpin and come home with a gold one. I carefully calculate the weight of gold to make sure nobody will find out later. With the chrome in the alloy, I don’t need to worry about the rust at all.

  Princess Pingyang visits my home one day and wants me to design a boat for her. Just like many royal households in Chang’an, Princess Pingyang owns a private entertainment group. In fact, Empress Wei and her two sisters, when they were young, used to be the singers in her household. It is a way for royal families to show off their status as well as their tastes. The competitions among these entertainment groups can also be furious. Every year, they will set up some kind of competition for public to view, such as drama, dance or singing.

  For this year, the competition is going to be a special dragon boat race on May Fifth, the dragon boat festival. Every family will send five beautiful girls for the boat racing. They will be judged by their speed, their looks, and their dresses. I am sure it will attract everyone in Chang’an to watch.

  “Shouldn’t you ask someone who has done that before?” I have studied some of the boat designs when I was working on Lake Kunming project. But that was in the preparation for the design of the navy base. And I have to work on armor, so I try to turn down her request.

  “I am sure your design will be better.” She insists. “I have already talked with Mrs. Yang. Her husband is going to give you any help you want.”

  She doesn’t give me any chance to decline. So I go to the navy shipyard every day in the morning to find out how boats are built in Han and then go to work in blacksmith shop until evening.

  The design is given to Princess Pingyang after one month. She just hired everyone from Mr. Yang’s shipyard to build her the boat. She decides to build two. One for racing team and one for backup team.

  I go to see her team practice a couple of times. They are all beautiful young girls a couple of years younger than me. They look at me with admiration, as if they are watching a legend. I am sure some of the stories flowing around about me are probably tall tales. So I focus on telling them how these boats are different from other dragon boats and what they need to do to get the maximum speed. Luckily these girls, picked by Princess Pingyang, are not the fragile and pale type. They look strong and competitive.

  Looking at their ebullience, I feel so old and this feeling gets worse when I turn twenty on March twenty seventh.

  Two, almost three engagements and one marriage later, I feel like I have done everything I possibly can in my life.

  I live my life like everybody else, get up, eat, work and sleep. A lot of times, I ask myself which is better, live my empty life or sleep comfortably forever. The answer is always the latter. I don’t know how others deal with the grief, to me, getting up in the morning is already a triumph.

  My parents have already giving up nagging me about marriage any more. Especially now I am with a title of Princess, being addressed by everyone as “your highness”, my marriage is in the hand of Emperor Wu, who seems has accepted my status as a widow.

  I go back to my own place after I had my birthday dinner at my parents’ house. With three kids in the room, the dinner is a noisy adventure.

  Staying in my familiar quietness, I pour myself a cup of wine and drinking it in silence. I used to see General Wei drinking alone, now I understand how good it feels. No more mask, no more worry, and no more thinking. The latter is the best thing that can ever happen to me.

  I still remember those time I spent in the ger doing nothing but sleeping or crocheting, without thinking about what is outside, not the tumultuous storm, or the hungrily howling wolves. I just need to be there while Zhao Yan took care of everything else. He must have felt frustrated with me. So many times, he wanted to take me out of ger and under the sun. I refused him again and again since I was not only afraid of coldness but also the possibility of meeting others.

  He had been very patient with me, with my reluctance, with me being a coward. Only after he’s gone, I began to see how much he has loved me.

  I pour myself more wine, not for the celebration of my birthday but in memory of Zhao Yan, who has been gone for a year.

  When I see Zhao Yan come to me, with his face clearly as ever, I start sobbing. I know he is not real, how can he be real, he is already dead. But I don’t even want to blink my eyes. I just stare at him through a curtain of tears. I have missed him for so long. His face has always been a blur for me since I buried him. Even after I re-dig him up again, I still could not remember his face.

  He walks towards me from the front door, while I sit on my porch. I do not have any lights on in my house, but I can still see him under the moonlight.

  I keep myself as still as I can and tell myself don’t wake up.

  He sits down next to me while fixing his eyes on mine.

  “Shiaonu,” he says to me gently. “I am sorry.”

  Sorry for leaving me alone? Or sorry for giving me such grief after he has given me so much happiness?

  “Please don’t say your sorry.” I weep. “Just take me with you.”

  He smiles at me, just like before, tender and passionate.

  “Baby.” He says to me while he catches my tears on my face with his fingers. “I will stay with you forever.”

  “Liar.” I blurt out. “You are such a li
ar. I know you will not stay. You will leave me again tomorrow when I wake up. So don’t stay, just take me with you.”

  “I love you, Shiaonu.” He says it softly. “I have always loved you.”

  Even at my drunk moment, I know clearly Zhao Yan is dead and he is not coming back. So I beg him to take me with him, take me away from here, and take me anywhere.

  “I don’t want to be alone anymore. It feels so hard and so cold.” I cry.

  “I will be with you.” He says to me. “I will be with you.”

  “I don’t want to stay in this world any more. It becomes a nightmare now. I want to wake up. I want to go home. I want to have electricity. I want to have light bulbs. I want to sleep in my own mattress and be able to have shower whenever I want. I want to drive on the freeway with my windows down, so I can hear the wind blasting out all the sorrow I have experienced here. I want all of you are just figures from my books. So I won’t have heartache anymore.”

  He looks at me as if I am a kid throwing tantrum. “Do you really want to leave here?”

  I nod my head eagerly. “Yes, please. Take me away, I will go anywhere with you. Just don’t leave me here.”

  He put his hand around my back and pull me into his arms. For the first time in a long while, I feel the warmth instead of empty void.

  “Where do you want to go?” He asks me.

  “Go home. Go back to San Diego. Go back to where it’s warm with beach and ocean.”

  “Baby,” He presses me against his chest and I can feel his chin on the top of my head. “If you let me, I will take you anywhere you want.”

  I start chuckle while my tears all over my face. “Even when I am this drunk, I know that is a lie.”

  “I mean every single word.” He says.

  “I used to be called a liar. And now you are one too.”

  “I promise I will take you wherever you want to go.” He repeats.

  I shake my head. “I don’t believe in promises any more. I shouldn’t have believed in any promise from the beginning. I have already known what is going to happen, but I still fool myself into believing. Zhao Yan, you should have let me die in Gobi Desert instead of dragging me across it to your home. I’d rather feel the pain once, instead of twice, especially after all the good times you have showed me.”