My Soul is in the Sky

by Summer Murong

  “I have never thought of that way. I thought they would be happy for me and they would be proud of me. But…” He mutters on what I have said. “My father said they were just jealous.”

  I sneer. “How can you let a douchebag, who has abandoned you before you were born, to stab the very family who accepted you and brought you up as their own?”

  He looks absolutely stunned by what I have said.

  “General Wei told me that you would eventually figure out all the politics around you.” I shake my head. “It looks like not only he has underestimated your stupidity, but also underestimated your father’s manipulative power over you.”

  Seeing him so clueless, I can’t help feel sorry for him. He seems like he has been living in the dark all this time. General Wei would not say anything to him. Princess Pingyang would be too angry to say anything to him. Mrs. Chen would not know what had happened. And his father and brother would love to see him being alienated, so that they can take more advantage of him. As for Emperor Wu, he seized the opportunity to suppress the influence of General Wei.

  “I really haven’t seen any of this.” He mumbles, mostly to himself. “How did everything turn up like this?”

  “You hurt others without even knowing about it. How amaze is that!” I sigh.

  “Oh, I know I have hurt you.” He says. “I have been angry towards you for being jealous, for not understanding me and for not loving me enough. But when I saw you crying, I know I was the wrong one and I have done something terrible to you. “

  “When did you see me crying?” I don’t remember I have shed any tears in front of him. I could not allow me to be that weak.

  He hesitates. “I was here for your birthday. You were very drunk that you thought I was Zhao Yan.”

  Ugh….I can’t believe I was that drunk. I have thought about that night ever since and have got myself drunk so many time trying to meet Zhao Yan again. But of course, he never came.

  “Why did you come to my place that night?” I become angry at him seeing me in such a devastated state.

  “I have not heard anything from you since I sent you the hairpins. So I thought I came to talk to you on your birthday.”

  “What there to talk about?” I laugh. “I got your hairpins and I understood you needed a closure as well. That’s it.”

  “No, that’s not it.” He looks at me deeply. “I sent those hairpins to you to tell you I have not spent a day without thinking of you. I made those after you left me.”

  I become quiet. I have guessed those hairpins were the ones he made after I have left Chang’an. But so what? It’s all past, it’s all gone, and it’s all over. I am going to leave tomorrow again for my new life.

  “I hope I did not say anything embarrassing.” I laugh gently, trying not to pick up the hairpin topic.

  “You have said plenty.” His tone is dark. Then he sighs. “But I have no rights to be angry with you. I should have known since you have always thought differently. You even think arranged marriage is like prostitution.”

  “I was a bigot. There are so many happy arranged marriages. I should not have being so peremptory.” I laugh quietly.

  He starts laughing too. “I don’t believe I have ever heard you regret on anything. You have always been so sure and so confident about yourself.”

  “I probably was. But I had some hard lessons.” I sigh deeply. “There are so many things I have done wrong, so many things I wish I did or did not do.”

  We both become quiet.

  “Don’t go, Shiaonu. Stay.” He says to me softly. “You don’t know how long I haven’t been able to talk like this. I have missed you for a long time. I miss our time together, I miss the things we have done together. I miss watching you sleep and counting your breath. You made me experience so many different feelings: love, hate, happy, sad, jealous, angry, desperation and darkness. My moods can be changed at your fingertips. Sometimes, it can be so devastating and unbearable. But I miss every moment with you. You make me feel alive. Shiaonu, I love you and I have never stopped loving you. Please stay with me.”

  I have heard similar speech before, when he proposed to me by the lake. I was moved by his tenderness and completely fell head over heels in love with him. How could I not? Even after all the pain he has put me through, my heart still trembles with his sweet talk, my eyes are still captivated by his good looks and my knees are still weak with his touch. I don’t want to admit it, but I know his spell has worked on me again, or maybe I was never truly spared from his spell.

  But I can’t make the same mistake again. Before Zhao Yan, I had mistaken love with companionship, with understanding, with the honest revealing of one’s most inner world. But they are not love. They are only friendship.

  “I can’t.” My voice scratches. “You just have been lonely for too long. When I connected with you, you thought I was the one. You don’t love me. You never did. That’s why you easily turned your head to someone else. It is not love. And I don’t want to get hurt again.”

  37 Nevernight

  I have always been fascinated by the name Nevernight. It reminds me of the Neverland where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell live. It is the easternmost city on Han’s mainland, right next to Pacific Ocean. When I first got here, about eight month ago, I was amazed by its name first. Then I was captivated by its beautiful scenery and its quietness.

  I don’t live in the Nevernight city. I only come here once a month to get the news and messages from Chang’an via local civil office. It is such a tiny office, with only one official, Mr. Bing, and six civil workers. Like Shuofang, the bordering city at north next to Xiongnu, the Nevernight city has only one main street with different shops on both sides.

  I usually shop from the first one to the last. I have been a regular customer since I came here. When Jinu helped me prepare for the travel, he has brought literally a boat full of stuff for me. After traveling on the Yellow River for a month from Chang’an to Pacific Ocean, I was stunned on how empty and bare the coastline looked with nothing but desolate shore and tiny fisherman villages. I continued the boat travel along the coast until I reached to the furthest east city of Han territory, the Nevernight city. It is called Weihai in modern days. Mr. Bing is the appointed official stationed there.

  Luckily Mr. Bing has been very helpful, especially after he read the bamboo scroll with imperial seal from Princess Pingyang. He let me use the official storage warehouse by the beach for all my stuff. I was then able to travel along the coast in a smaller boat and found myself a perfect island to live and to build my dream boat.

  The island is about three miles away from mainland in a rectangle shape, about three miles in length and one mile in width. There are natural lakes and forest with plenty water and fish. It snows in winter, but the water never freeze and it is much warmer than Chang’an. I live in a ger I have brought with me. It is comfortable and practical with furs laying on the ground.

  To travel to Nevernight or nearby fisherman villages, I bought a small fishing boat with added sail and hydrofoil wings. Locals have been referring me as the lady with a flying boat.

  Mr. Bing has been a kind friend and a diligent official. From a modest family background, he has earned his official post by the recommendation of his teacher. He travels around his territory constantly to make sure his people are happy.

  I open the sealed box Mr. Bing Handed to me after I sit down in his office. It is a bamboo scroll with one sentence: “Three kings have been conferred to their kingdoms.” I can tell from the writing, it was from General Wei. Every time when an event on my list became reality, he sent me a message to let me know. It takes twenty days for a message to get here from Chang’an. So the news is about twenty days old.

  I share the news with Mr. Bing, who is anxious to get any news from Chang’an. He likes to chat with me. To him, General Wei, General Huo and Princess Pingyang are like gods. He said to me once that the news comes to me are faster than the news from official channel.

  As alwa
ys, I thank him for the message and he walks me out to the storage warehouse. I still have some stuff stored there. When I order something from blacksmith or carpenter shop, they also deliver the finished products there. Mr. Bing’s workers will hold them for me. So every time I come to Nevernight, I come to the warehouse and move some items back to my island.

  I always hire someone outside the warehouse to go to the island with me for a day. I can’t move everything by myself.

  A beard guy has caught my attention when I walk closer to the warehouse. He stands tall by the seagrass covered rock building, with dust all over his clothes and his hair. He probably hasn’t had a shower for days. His face has streak marks of dirt and sweat. The bright sunlight and glistening ocean make him squint, but his gaze upon me is so intensely that even Mr. Bing frowns on him.

  “He looks like a crazy man.” Mr. Bing warns me in low voice. “Be careful and stay away from him.”

  I suppress the laugh in my throat and nod to Mr. Bing in agreement. I walk passing by the crazy guy without even looking at him.

  The civil worker opens the door for me. I don’t have too much stuff left, so we quickly load them onto the carriage the civil worker has prepared for me.

  “Hey, you.” I call the crazy guy when we come out.

  “What is it?” He acts like a recalcitrant brat.

  “Do you need a job?” I ask him softly and patiently.

  “What is the pay?” He asks with a raised eyebrow.

  Mr. Bing keeps waving at me. I signal him to calm down.

  “Two meals a day?” I offer it sheepishly.

  “Three.” He counter offers firmly.

  “All right, three meals a day.” I agree.

  “And I need to eat meat. I am not a vegetarian.” He bargains.

  “Is fish all right?” Meat can be scarce, but fish are plenty.

  “As long as not fish every day. Once a few days, I need to eat meat. Any meat is fine.” He insists.

  I can’t help smiling. “All right, I do have some chickens if you don’t mind to be the butcher.”

  The corner of his lips starts curling up and the sparkle in his eyes becomes brighter.

  “I also need a bed to sleep.” He continues his hard bargain but with a much softer tone.

  “Ugh….Hmm…That can be arranged.” My face gets warm.

  Before he tries to say anything else, I give him a warning look. He starts chuckling and quickly but happily runs behind the carriage and starts pushing it towards my boat.

  Mr. Bing looks at him and then turns to me puzzled. “You just hired the crazy guy?”

  I press down my laugh. “Yes, he looks crazy. But he looks strong too.”

  Before he can say anything, I turn to the crazy guy again. “Load them to the boat and wait for me there.”

  From what I can see, he doesn’t have anything with him. At least I have to go buy him some clothes.

  When I come back to the boat, he sits in the boat with a broad smile. I hand him the food I just bought for him.

  “It’s not enough for me.” He complains while wolfing down the food.

  “Haven’t you eaten anything at all?” I ask him.

  “Not much. I did not bring too much money when I left Chang’an. I just left without any preparation.”

  I look at him while he grins at me. Even when he was leading his army fighting in Xiongnu, he did not have supply lines. How would I expect him to carry things like food or clothes?

  “Does anybody know you have come here?” I ask him and give him a jar of water.

  “Only my uncle and your brother.”

  “General Wei and Ponu?” I just want to make sure.

  He nods with a dazzling smile. I have never seen him in such a high spirit. As if a little kid finally gets out of the house and finds himself be able to play in the playground.

  I can’t help my own grinning either. I untie the boat from the dock and raise the sail.

  As soon as we get back to the island, I send him right away for a much needed shower and I start preparing food for him.

  “This is really a nice place.” He comments on my island when he finishes his shower.

  He looks sunny and clean after shaving. The new clothes looks great on him. It is a white long Hanfu with blue embroidery hems along the big sleeves.

  “Thank you, it took me a month sailing along the coastal area to find this island. Someday when I leave to south, it can still be a base when I come back here. I am thinking about officially claim this island.”

  I have put the food on a stone table underneath a big tree. I like to sit there reading, writing, drawing, or just listening to the waves. He comes and sits down at the other end of the table. I hand him the chopsticks and spoon.

  The food I have prepared for him is simple: steamed rice, vegetable, fried fish and seaweed soup. While he is eating, I light the fire in a small stove on the table and prepare tea for him.

  “Now I understand why you like this island.” He says with smiles in his eyes. “It is like heaven here. So peaceful and so quiet.”

  I smile. “It is beautiful here. But it can be too quiet sometimes. I talk to myself more and more often now. Hopefully I won’t forget how to talk.”

  He frowns on what I have said, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “How long can you stay?” I ask. I don’t know what have prompted him coming here. If General Wei has showed him the list, then he should have known he only has another four months to live since it is already May.

  “As long as I can.” He says to me with a satisfied look from the food.

  I lower my head trying to swallow down the lumps that have been building in my throat. The thought of him coming here to spend last few months with me makes me feel sad. The excitement of seeing him again has completely giving away to the grim reality.

  I pour a cup of tea for him after he finishes his meal. He looks like he enjoys everything around him: sunny beach, gentle sea breeze and simple meal. Watching him sitting there content, I can’t help dreaming that it stays like this forever.

  “Hey, don’t cry.” He pulls me next to him and folds me into his arms. “I am not going to die.”

  “You know it now?” I ask. “How much has General Wei told you?”

  “He told me everything.” He says and puts a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I finally figured out a lot of things about you. You should have told me a long time ago.”

  “How could I? You thought I was a weirdo from beginning. Then I was a liar. Even when I tried my best to please you, it has only irritated you. ” I can’t help complaining. “If I told you that I am from future, you probably would think I am a mental case.”

  “I probably would.” He laughs. “But I would still fall for you. “

  I stop him from going further.

  “So you are here trying to find out a way to change the history?” I ask.

  “Who said anything about changing History?” he laughs again. Then he shakes his head. “What is history? History is written by human. Nobody knows exactly what have happened. Just like I did not kill Li Gan. I was not even there when he was dead. But people believed it. If I try to kill him, I will use a sword instead of a bow and an arrow. “

  “But he is still dead.”

  “Yes, that’s true.” He pauses and then he says. “Remember the petition you have left to General Wei? I did not write that one either. My brother Huo Guang wrote it. He is behind the whole petition thing. But he presented it under my name.”

  I sigh. “Your brother Huo Guang is a natural born politician. You are really no match to him.”

  “I never want to be a politician.” He chuckles. “I just want to let you know nobody really knows what has really happened in history.”

  “What are you suggesting?” I ask him.

  “Nothing. Just let the chips fall where they may.” He says.

  “Do nothing at all?” I still have my doubts.

  “Well, I have come here. That is something.” He
laughs. “And you can marry a crazy man for another.”

  I look at him in disbelief.

  He lowers his head and gives me a long and deep kiss that takes my breath away. “When my uncle told me everything, the only thought came to my mind was that I want you to be next to me when I die. I can’t stand being away from you any longer. I have to be with you. So marry me, be my wife.”

  I was never sure if he truly loves me. That’s why I have tolerated his bad temper, his harsh words and his mood swings. Even when he betrayed me, I still only blamed myself instead him. I fooled myself into believing he loved me by accepting his forceful proposal when I knew deep inside that he was only lonely and what he needed was a friend. That’s why I could never hate him, because he was never in love with me. Both of us have confused the friendship with love.

  But Zhao Yan has shown me how a man truly loves a woman. He had waited me to understand his love. He had accompanied me to growing up. He brought me smiles instead of tears, he gave me freedom instead of limitations, and most importantly, he found me irresistible even when I was embarrassing.

  Without the love from Zhao Yan, I probably will give in to the tender and sweet revelation from Huo. But thinking the time I once was so deeply loved and treasured by Zhao Yan, I just can’t fool myself again.

  I bury myself in his chest to hide my red eyes.

  He sighs and holds me tighter.

  “Tell me, Shiaonu.” He says. “What else can I do to let you know how much I love you?”

  He sleeps most of the time, as if he has not slept for years. At first I was worrying about if he is sick, then I realized probably this is the first time in his life that he can relax and be himself. So I let him sleep as much as he wants, whenever he wants.

  I like to watch him sleeping. I finally begin to understand what he said about watching me sleep and counting my breath. That is what I do now. I watch him in sound sleep with every muscle on his face are at ease and his chest goes up and down in rhythm.