by Lisa Simmons
My mind was racing as I returned his gaze, unable to focus on anything other than the way he had just kissed me and how much I desperately wanted him to do it again; for him to kiss me in such a way had to mean he felt something for me. The change in his actions was so drastic that there was no denying something had changed in him, or at least, he had finally allowed himself to feel it.
"Stay," he requested quietly. His eyebrows were furrowed deeply as he watched me, his expression vulnerable for the first time since I'd met him. How could I refuse him?
"Okay."
"Cause when you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us is caving.... I want you to stay."
Chapter 12
Reece's POV
"Okay," she said. Her voice was quiet and shaky, as if she was afraid of agreeing to my request. A nervous and excited thud struck my heart as I watched her face. Her incredibly clear blue eyes were narrowed in concern and she bit her lip into her mouth.
I held myself back from kissing her again, not wanting to push her too far after what I'd told her tonight. I don't know why I had kissed that girl; I hadn't been interested in her at all. It was just that she had appeared and thrown herself at me, like girls always did, and I responded before I knew what was happening.
Her lips had felt wrong pressed against mine, all cold and thin and unfamiliar. Abigail's face had flashed across my mind, and I suddenly felt dirty. I didn't know that girl, nor did I have any desire to know her. As soon as had I realized what was happening, I had pulled myself away from her, ran outside, and called Abigail like an obedient little puppy.
What the hell was happening to me?
I didn't care at the moment, because lying here next to her was the happiest I had been all night.
I didn't deserve to be here, though. She was too good for me, far too good for me, even though she refused to acknowledge it. My actions tonight had proved that. Sure, I'd told her what I'd done, but it was in a drunken state after she'd rejected me; I didn't know if the situation would have been different if I would have told her.
Probably not, honestly.
I had seen flashes of anger, jealousy, and hurt when I'd told her, despite her attempts to hide them. Even after drinking, I could read her so easily. It was selfish of me, and I hated myself for hurting her, but I was happy to see her react that way; it meant that, despite her protestations to the contrary, she was harboring feelings for me. Somewhere, for some unknown reason, she was.
My pathetic attempts at warning her to stay away from me had been half-hearted at best, because I in no way actually wanted her to stay away. I felt such a strong connection to her that I couldn't shake, and I'd finally given up on trying to ignore it.
I had never felt more vulnerable in my life than when I'd asked her to stay, but the elated sense of relief I felt when she'd agreed had made it worth it.
When she'd let me kiss her, really kiss her, I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. Never had I felt such an all-consuming fire blazing through me when I'd kissed someone, not even from our previous kisses. This time had been different, and I knew she felt it too. This had been a real kiss, not a heated, in the moment kiss that would only lead to something else.
I swore to myself in that instant I wouldn't try anything else tonight. I wanted her to see that I was more than okay with just being with her and not having sex. I didn't know much about what to do, but I knew that would mean something to her- to know I wanted more from her than just sex.
I finally could admit that I did want that, but I didn't know if I was prepared to handle it.
These were all the thoughts that flashed through my head as I examined her face, taking in the tiniest of details of the beautiful girl who lay next to me. It was quickly occurring to me that we were both awful at expression ourselves verbally, both of us too stubborn to admit what we were really feeling and choosing to hide behind the cold façade we had formed at the start of this. Neither of us wanted to admit to any feelings, too afraid to be vulnerable and say what we really were thinking to be honest.
We both knew we were lying, yet no one said anything. I knew she had feelings for me, and she had to know I had feelings for her, even though I had an awful way of showing it.
Hey Abigail, I like you, but I'm gonna hook up with this other girl.
You're a fucking idiot, Reece.
As if I didn't already know she was too good for me, she hadn't freaked out, had agreed to come inside, had put me in the shower, and perhaps best of all, really let me kiss her. I was surprised she had done even one of those, much less all of them and remained here on my bed with me.
She should have kicked me out of the car the instant I told her.
I had no idea what to say to her now that she had agreed to stay, and I suddenly felt like a nervous schoolboy. Her fingers still rested on my ribs, the skin she was touching burning at least twenty degrees hotter than the rest of my body, or so I thought. Her own skin was so soft and warm beneath my hand that rested on her neck, my fingers winding loosely into her smooth, silky hair. Without my permission, my thumb trailed across her cheek lightly and her chest rose as she sucked in a breath.
I felt like I had been staring at her for ages, but I couldn't stop. She was too beautiful not to. Her lips were parted slightly as she breathed, her own eyes examining my face just as closely, pulling me in further to her. I couldn't stop myself any longer from kissing her; it was like we were opposite magnets, constantly attracting one another with a force stronger than our will.
I ducked my head and let my lips hover centimeters from hers, pausing to let her close the gap if she wanted. My heart rejoiced when she did, lifting her head off the bed enough to push her soft lips into mine before I returned the pressure and she relaxed again. My hand stayed tucked into her hair as my lips shaped against hers, the small space between them creating the perfect pocket for my own.
I had never kissed anyone so slowly before, but now I wondered what I had been doing for so long, because this kiss was so much more sensual and feeling than any other kiss I'd had. Then again, I suspected it was nearly completely because of Abigail and not the actual kiss itself. She let my tongue push gently into her mouth, hers returning the light pressure I gave the kiss. After holding my lips against hers for a few more seconds, I drew back once more and pulled her the rest of the way onto my bed so we were both laying in it properly.
She tentatively laid her head on my shoulder and let her arm fall across my torso, her actions slow and unsure, having never cuddled with me. To be honest, I never really cuddled with anyone before. Until now. I hadn't seen the point in it, and never had anything close to an emotional connection to anyone strong enough to want to cuddle with them.
Now that she was here, however, I could see the merits of it. She felt so warm pressed against my body, and her fingers that started to trace lightly across my skin had never felt more comforting.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, feeling like I needed to say it. I was sorry for a lot of things, but I could tell what had bothered her most was the fact that I'd kissed someone else. I couldn't see her face, so it was difficult to see her reaction.
"You don't have to be," she said quietly, her stubbornness forcing her to keep up the wall that protected her. She still refused to acknowledge that she had feelings for me, even though we both knew she did. She insisted on acting as if we were strictly friends with benefits and nothing more, despite this burning connection I knew we both felt. It surprised me that I had been the first one to cave and admit to any type of emotions because it was such a foreign concept to me.
"Abigail, will you just accept my apology, damnit, and stop acting like you don't care? Because we both know you do."
She was quiet for a long time, her soft breath falling from her lips across the skin of my chest while she battled with herself in her head. I was starting to think I had been wrong about assuming she had feelings when she finally spoke.
"I
can't care, though, Reece." Her voice sounded so scared that it sent a pang of hurt though my body. I didn't want her to be scared, but she was right to be. There was no way I could be good for her.
"You can't, but you do, don't you?" I held my breath as she sat up, lifting her head from my shoulder only for it to be replaced by a rush of cold air. I missed the contact already. She rolled to lie on her stomach next to me, her arm still slung across my torso as she held herself up. Her face was pulled into a frown and her eyes were watching me intensely.
"Yes," she admitted. My heart thudded in my chest again.
"You can't because I'll hurt you," I inferred from what she'd said, or not said, rather.
"Yes," she repeated, her voice even weaker than it was before. I pulled my lips into my mouth in thought. I couldn't argue with her because I knew she was right. One way or another, I would end up hurting her. I already had, and we had only just begun whatever this was between us.
"It's not that it's you, specifically..." she started, trailing off while she collected her thoughts. "It's just that everyone does, eventually. And you..."
She paused again, seemingly stuck in her own head as her eyes glazed over, their focus on my chest but not really seeing what was in front of her. Her own rough past with men and my reputation were both working aginst me.
"And I, what?" I probed gently.
"You scare me," she finally said. "I hardly know you but I already know you're dangerous for me."
My eyebrows furrowed down tightly as I watched her, concern etching itself across my face against my will. I knew exactly what she meant, because it was exactly how I felt. This strange, inexplicable connection I felt with her was strong enough to destroy the both of us.
"So what do we do?" I asked, nervous to hear her answer. Again she was silent for a long time, and she let her chin rest on my chest as she thought. The burning heat returned to where her skin touched mine.
"I don't know," she admitted, letting her eyes flit up to meet mine.
In all truth, there was no rule saying we had to decide tonight. In any case, I wasn't really prepared to deal with any option we had, so it probably was for the best that we let it be for a while and just wait to see what would happen.
"Let's just sleep," I suggested. So many different emotions were flooding through me that I needed to just think and sort them out; any further talking tonight would only serve to confuse me more, so it was best if we just stopped and went to sleep.
"Okay," she agreed, tilting her head down and pressing a kiss to my chest before she realized what she was doing. A blush crept across her cheeks as she pushed herself up and settled back into me, her head resting on my shoulder once more. I smiled softly, liking her automatic instinct to kiss my skin even when she hadn't really meant to. I gingerly wrapped my arm around her, unsure of where to put it really but feeling comfortable when it draped across her hip.
I had experienced so many firsts tonight: the first time I had kissed someone and wanted it to be someone else, the first time I'd really kissed someone and felt something, the first time I'd cuddled with someone, and now, the first time I'd ever let a girl stay in my bed. What the hell was she doing to me?
It was hard to fall asleep with the wonderful feel of her body pressed into mine and the endless thoughts running through my head. Half of me wanted to maintain the simple friends with benefits relationship we currently had, although if I was being honest with myself, it had never been that simple. I'd always felt the unyielding pull to her but brushed it off as a simple physical attraction. It was obvious now that it was much more than that.
The other half of me wanted more from her- to spend time with her outside of the bedroom and talk to her and let her cuddle against my chest whenever she wanted. That was the option that scared me the most; that was the option that would require me to be vulnerable, emotional, and open to learning a whole new way to just be.
I didn't know if I was ready for that.
I gently reached my arm out to switch off the lamp, plunging the room into complete darkness before I pulled the comforter up around us. I couldn't tell if she was asleep or not, but her steady breathing and the dead weight of her made me suspect she was. The fact that she had fallen asleep so quickly sent a warmth flooding through me; she at least trusted me enough to sleep, actually sleep, with me.
I wondered if she knew she was the first one I'd ever done this with.
Gently, so as not to wake her, I pressed my lips lightly to the top of her head. It was such a foreign feeling to have another person in my bed, fully clothed and cuddled against me, trusting me as she slept. Foreign, but amazing. I had truly been missing out for years, although I knew deep down that it wouldn't be even close to the same with someone else.
Abigail had done something to me, all right, and I didn't know how to handle it.
I tried to quiet my brain, reminding myself that we hadn't decided anything tonight. I would have days to figure out whatever we were, but for tonight, I just wanted to pretend she really was mine to hold and to kiss whenever I wanted. In this moment, she was mine, but tomorrow, things could be completely different.
I focused on the warmth of her body and the soft tickling of her breath as I laid in the dark. My body relaxed further as I let myself melt into her, calming my racing brain and sizzling nerves. After a few more minutes, I finally drifted off to sleep with nothing but Abigail's image drifting lazily through my mind.
When I woke up hours later, my body was cold and my arms were empty. It took me a moment to remember what had happened last night was actually real, the memory of her head on my shoulder and her body wound between my arms coming back in full force so strong I could almost feel her. Almost, because the warmth that had let me drift off to sleep was now gone, replaced by empty space and a cold bed.
A dull ache spread through my chest, hoping my body was wrong in the sensations it was feeling, or not feeling. My arms slid out to my sides, searching for the warmth of her body but finding nothing.
Of course.
I shouldn't be surprised.
She was gone, and I was alone once more.
"Please know that I'm yours to keep, my beautiful girl."
Chapter 13
My knuckles were white, my tight grip on the steering wheel robbing my joints of blood as I drove home in the early morning light like a coward. I had felt so much braver last night in the dark and in the warmth of his arms that I thought maybe I could do it, maybe I could show him how I was starting to feel without completely freaking out. I had been wrong.
I could feel him opening up, bit by bit, slowly showing me that there was more to him just as I had suspected and that there was a part of him that actually wanted me, not my body. While that had been what I had secretly been hoping he’d say for a while now, it terrified me. If he was starting to cave, it was only a matter of time until I did, but the wounds inflicted on my heart by the last man I had let in were still yet to heal. How could I let Reece in when I had walls built so high that even I couldn’t fully get around them?
In a fleeting moment of panic, I had fled, leaving the comforting warmth of his body and the beautifully sleeping man that for once, looked vulnerable in his relaxed state. It had been extremely hard to do so, but I knew if I didn’t get out now, I never would and I’d only end up heartbroken again.
Relationships don’t work. People cheat, people lie, and people aren’t meant to be with one person. It can’t work.
These are the words I repeated to myself as I drove home to stop myself from turning around and running right back to him. If I were to have stayed, I don’t know what would have happened, but I know it would only be further detrimental to the both of us. He had finally admitted he felt something for me, and I knew I felt it for him. If I were to stay and let those feelings manifest themselves, we would only fall deeper and hurt worse when one of us inevitably broke the other. It can’t work; if I left, there was a chance we could go
back to being friends with benefits, where the way our bodies moved together would attempt to satisfy the burning need we had for each other, even though I knew it would never be enough. I would always want more from him, I just had to be strong enough to resist. I didn’t know if I was. The sun was just peaking over the horizon as I parked my car outside of my apartment. I leaned my head back against the seat and let my eyes close for a second as I took a deep breath. My heart already ached at the thought of him waking up alone with no explanation as to where I’d gone, but it was better for him to resent me than us to fall even more into each other.
How did you get yourself into this?
With a final deep breath, I climbed out of my car and made my way inside where I collapsed into my cold, empty bed, instantly wishing Reece was there with me. I tried to shush the thought, but I couldn’t stop it from resonating through my skull, mocking me for what I had just potentially ruined. It was for the best, I reminded myself; it will be better in the long run if I leave him now, before things got too real and there was no going back.
The majority of my Saturday afternoon was spent in bed, wallowing in self-pity like the selfish person that I was. I couldn’t deny that the biggest reason I had left him was to protect myself, because I didn’t know if I could handle another attack on my heart like the one Jack had waged. If anything, Reece was already more dangerous to me than Jack ever had been, which utterly terrified me and was essentially the reason I had run away like a scared little girl.
I hated myself.
A sudden knock on my front door startled me; Emily was home for the weekend, so I had no idea who it could be. My heart jumped at the thought of it maybe being Reece before I remembered I was supposed to be strictly friends with benefits with him now, my cowardly fleeing this morning finally defining our relationship, despite not giving him the chance to decide with me. I was about to ignore the knock and wait for them to go away when it sounded again, more urgently this time. I sighed heavily and dragged myself out of bed, throwing my messy hair into a ponytail before heading to open the door. Despite my decision for no further involvement with Reece, I couldn’t’ stop my heart from pounding and my hope that it was him at the door flaring up. When I swung the door open, my heart plummeted in my chest as I took in the figure before me. Not only was it not Reece, it was just about the last person I wanted to see standing in front of me. Jack. “Hey, Abigail,” he said smoothly, flashing a wide grin at me. I stared at him blankly, my chest constricting tightly.