“Dear Aenna,” he said while still laughing, “your laughter is the sweetest sound I have ever heard!”
His hands gently squeezed my shoulders, and before I realized what was happening, he was pulling me towards him—not in an embrace, but to kiss me. His lips met mine jubilantly, making my heart leap in my chest. It was a short kiss, but when he pulled himself away, our laughter ceased abruptly.
I felt a smile spread over my face as I saw one spread on his. He leaned forward and kissed me again, this time with a sincere passion. I slipped my arms around his waist as he wrapped his around me, pulling me into a loving embrace, our lips moving together. Because he was so much taller than myself, I had to practically lie back in his arms to keep my head tipped up towards him. My heart raced in delight as he moved his mouth against mine, slipping his tongue now and then briefly between my lips. At no time did I even ponder that I was, in fact, betraying my husband. Kurit did not so much as enter my mind as Jarik enticed me with his most erotic kisses.
When finally we stopped, he held me tightly against himself. I felt safer in that moment than I ever had, or ever have since. This man had seen me at my happiest and at my most despondent. He knew better than anyone what pained me, what enthralled me, and what I held dear. He knew my strengths, my weaknesses, my achievements, and my failings. And despite having more than sufficient reason of late to be disdainful of me, there he stood loving me, holding me, making me feel more at peace with my world than I had thought possible, given all that had gone wrong.
After a few minutes in that quiet embrace, I leaned back out of his arms far enough to look up at him. He caressed my cheek, and I smiled at his touch.
“Please tell me that you are back to stay,” he whispered.
I nodded. It occurred to me then how awful it must have been for him to have seen me suffer so, not to mention that I had forced him to pin me to the ground to prevent me from killing myself. Guilt settled into my mind, and I said, “Jarik, I’m sorry I put you through—”
He put gentle finger to my lips and shook his head, smiling. “Hush,” he whispered. “Let it go. As long as you have regained enough strength to move forward and can allow your damaged heart to be healed, the terrible things that brought you to this point do not matter.”
“But I want to explain to you why I felt that I had to—”
He put his other fingers on my mouth to still my lips. “Don’t, Aenna. Don’t relive what made you feel that you had to die. I read your note. I can guess at what you thought you were doing. But you must know now that it was the wrong choice. I don’t condemn you for it, but you must listen to me when I tell you that your death would have solved nothing. It would only have caused agony for those of us left behind.”
I closed my eyes guiltily, but he would not allow me to fall back into sorrow.
“Aenna, there are times when death is honourable, and I know you sought that honourable path out of love and not out of selfishness. I know you. But I hear me now: you are a strong and wonderful woman. We need you alive, Aenna. Kurit, Raelik, and I need you. Your people need you. Your death would not have helped us, though I know that’s what you intended.”
The mention of Raelik made me realize I had no recollection of having seen him during any of my times of consciousness during my madness. “What of my son? Jarik, please tell me he didn’t see me staring into space. Please tell me that he doesn’t know how awful it was.”
Jarik pulled me into another warm embrace and said, “Don’t fret, Aenna. We allowed him to see you only when you slept and told him only that you were not feeling very well. We let him curl up beside you at times until he would sleep himself, and then Lyenta would carry him off to his own bed. He has been very worried for you, of course, but he thinks only that you were feeling very tired.”
“I should see him. And Leiset. Where is Leiset? Why did she leave you to fuss with my hair?”
Jarik chuckled softly. The sound echoed in his chest and inspired me to cuddle myself against him all the more. “Leiset has been fretting over you such that she became badly overtired. I commanded her to take a day of rest, lest she grow ill with fatigue. I used the logic you once served to me, and she too saw that it would not help you to run herself into exhaustion. She was always concerned that you be dressed and properly attended to, for she feared that if you felt unkempt you would be even more distraught and would never wake from your mad silence. I told her that I could manage to put your hair up for you and sent her off to bed.” He laughed softly again and said, “Little did I suspect that I would do such an awful job as to inspire you to return to sanity long enough to mock me.”
I giggled for a moment and then sighed happily as I felt him kiss the top of my head. “I suppose I ought to let you finish, then.”
“Only if you would allow me to make one simple braid!” He laughed. “I give up on the fancy wrap. You women are all mad creatures to fuss so!”
I sat back in the chair and told him happily to go ahead with one simple braid. “I very much enjoy having you brush my hair, Jarik,” I admitted. What reason was there, after all, to hide anything from him?
The warrior smiled at me in the mirror and set about the happy task.
* * *
I spent the next few days learning to feel alive again and trying not to think of the heartaches that undoubtedly awaited my return to Endren. Jarik and Leiset doted on me at every minute, and I was not without one of them by my side at any time. I suspected and later confirmed that they worried I might take my life if left alone to do so.
I tried to explain to Leiset why I had wanted to die. I told her I had no intention of trying again, for the guilt of leaving my son motherless was too difficult to bear. When I told her that I wished the arrow had killed me the day I first entered Endren, that I might have been a favoured memory instead of the cause of such anguish for everyone, she wept and held me. She insisted that I was not the cause of the anguish any more than Kurit or Jarik were the cause of my abduction.
Jarik took to sitting by my bedside at night despite my reassurances that I would not attempt suicide again. He said that he believed me when I said it but feared that, if I were alone, my thoughts would grow dark once more and madness might lead me back to the brink of death.
The only time either of them was not directly beside me was when I played with my son. I suppose they knew well enough that I would not lose myself again to madness in his cheerful presence, and of course I would never harm myself when he could see it. Raelik warmed my heart, and to this day I cannot believe I was able to walk away from him.
The mark upon my face went through myriad revolting shades of green and yellow before it at last began to fade. One afternoon when only a small yellowish bruise remained on my cheek, I asked Leiset to accompany me to the lake.
“I wish to bathe there,” I told her.
“Bathe? Whatever for? Aenna, I shall draw you a bath here,” she said disapprovingly.
“No, Leiset, I really wish to go to the lake. I know it’s not entirely proper for a Queen, but I don’t feel much like a Queen as of late. As a girl, I delighted in bathing in a small pond near the Temple Academy—when I could be sure there were no boys nearby, of course. I’d wait for them all to be off in games, and then I’d strip myself bare and swim until dinner. It was such freedom, Leiset. Please, indulge me in this. I do so want to feel that freedom again.”
Leiset sighed, crossed her arms over her chest, and muttered, “Very well. But we’re not telling anyone. It’s quite scandalous, you know.”
I laughed. “I don’t care if it is. We’re far from idle tongues. And we must tell Jarik, lest he fret when he cannot find me.”
Leiset sighed in exasperation but gathered towels and bath salts nonetheless.
As soon as we arrived at the small lake’s shore, I began to remove my clothes. Leiset grumbled and sighed but did not try to stop me.
“Leiset, you should try it,” I said as I slipped into the water. Though it was a w
arm summer’s day, the water was a little chilly against my naked flesh. I clenched my teeth and forced every sensitive part under at once, which made me gasp loudly.
“Indeed, Aenna,” Leiset muttered, having heard my gasp. “It sounds positively delightful.”
I splashed a bit of water in her direction and laughed. “It’s a bit of a shock to get in, but already it feels beautiful.”
“You mustn’t stay in long,” she warned. “You’re very thin these days, and you’ll catch your death of cold.”
“Very well then.” I sighed. I swam to the edge near where she sat and asked her to hand me the bottle of bath salts. She did, and when I opened it I noticed it was almost empty.
“Oh, curse it!” Leiset muttered when I told her. “I meant to grab the other bottle. I’m a fool, Aenna, sorry. I should have checked more closely. Is there enough to clean yourself with?”
“Well, it’s hard to tell. I think I can make do with this,” I said. I didn’t want her to have to walk all the way back to the cottage just for bath salts.
“Let me see,” she asked. I handed her the bottle reluctantly. She grumbled and said, “I’ll run back and fetch more. Why don’t you get out of the water then?”
“Must I? It’s so lovely in here. Don’t bother to go. I’ll use what’s there.”
“Aenna, you’ll feel dirty all evening, and you hate that. I’ll go and return quickly.”
“I don’t want to get out of the water, though,” I said.
Leiset looked at me seriously and said, “Will you promise to stay near the edge, then? You won’t go swimming amongst the reeds at the other end or any such thing?”
I nodded. “I promise, Leiset. I shall be fine.”
Leiset sighed and walked quickly back up the path to the house.
I leaned my head back in the water and let myself float happily. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the water around my ears. It was incredibly soothing and, had I been able to stay afloat without effort, I would have gladly let myself drift asleep. Instead, I just daydreamed of my childhood days when I had bathed like this.
Little did I know that, when Leiset returned to the cottage, Jarik saw her enter without me. I learned later from Leiset that he had asked her where I was, and when she had told him she had left me in the water, he flew into a rage. She said that he began to scold her on leaving me alone where I could easily take my own life but then realized I was, in fact, still alone, and ran off in a panic towards the lake.
Of course, when he reached the lake, all he saw was my naked form floating and barely moving. He called out to me, but my ears were submerged and I did not hear him. So, ever my heroic Champion, Jarik leapt into the lake to rescue me, fearing already that I was drowned.
Now, I knew none of this was going on around me. All I knew was one moment I was dreaming away, floating happily, and quite relaxed. The next, an enormous splash knocked me from my reverie, and a wave covered my face. Being startled, I inhaled at the very wrong moment and took in a lungful of water.
Panicked, I grasped desperately for the surface, coughing and sputtering and unable to see. I did, however, feel someone grabbing at me and, not knowing who it was, naturally suspected that some vile rogue had seen me bathing and was attempting to assault me. In my efforts to fight off the hands on me, I sank below the surface and again inhaled water.
Then the hands were around my shoulders and pulling my head back above the surface. Again I coughed and sputtered and gagged in an attempt to breathe. Finally, I heard Jarik’s voice bellowing at me over the noise of the splashing and my own hacking. Once I realized it was him, I stopped fighting his hands and let him hold me up in the water.
It took a few moments of continued choking before I was able to breathe properly again. As I coughed, Jarik held me and said, “Aenna, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I called to you, and when you didn’t respond, I thought you were trying to drown yourself. By the Temple, Aenna, I thought you were already drowned.” He held me tightly against him, his warm hands rubbing my back gently to help ease my coughs.
Eventually I regained enough to breath to hoarsely say, “I had no intention of the sort. I told you as much.”
“I know,” he said, his voice full of concern. “I just …” He did not finish the thought but simply sighed.
I realized I was unclothed in his arms and expected to feel ashamed but realized I did not. This good man had seen me at my lowest point of existence. He knew my every fear and insecurity. I had, in truth, been naked to him for a long time. This was merely the first time my flesh had been as well.
I leaned back enough in his arms to look at his face, expecting to see him showing signs of shame at the fact that he was touching my bare skin below the water. To my surprise, there was no shame in his eyes. He gazed at me intensely, making my heart flutter for him. He pulled me back towards him and kissed me softly.
When his lips left mine, he looked at me again. “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he whispered.
“And I shouldn’t want you to continue, Jarik, but I do.” I was amazed to hear myself whisper the words to him, yet they were true. I was deeply in love with him, and knew myself to be a fool to continue denying it.
When he kissed me again, he did so with passion, pressing his mouth firmly to mine and moving his lips sensuously. Not only did my heart flutter, but my entire body lit up in a fiery arousal. He kissed me for some time, running his hands up and down my unclothed back and sides, almost brushing the sides of my breasts as he moved.
Then he moved in the water such that I was cradled in his arms. He stopped kissing me and awkwardly stumbled up the bank and out of the water, carrying my nude form in his arms. He walked a few steps from the shore and sank slowly to his knees, still holding me.
With great tenderness, he laid me down in the grass and then fell beside me and kissed me again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and joyously held his head to mine, fearful that he would realize the seriousness of what was occurring and would stop.
Thankfully, he did not stop. His lips and tongue continued to move wonderfully against my own as the hand that wasn’t busy holding himself up caressed my cheek. He ran his strong fingers gently through my wet hair and then down my jaw line to my neck. Tenderly, he moved his fingertips against the curves of my neck and shoulder, filling me with great desire.
When he paused kissing for a moment to look into my eyes, I lifted my head to put my lips back to his. Slowly, I brushed the full part of my lower lip against his upper one, moving it in sensual circles there.
“Oh, Aenna,” he moaned softly, his breath hot on my chin. Desire overtook him then, and he moved his lips down my chin and onto my neck. I could not help but writhe lustily in the grass as he kissed and nibbled my throat, my shoulders, and my face.
Overwhelmed with love and desire, I whispered, “Make love with me, Jarik.”
He stopped kissing abruptly and lifted his head to look at me. I had expected to see his eyes full of longing and desire, but instead they were sorrowful and somewhat panicked. “I can’t,” he blurted out.
I put my hand gently to his cheek and said, “I love you, Jarik. Please.”
He shut his eyes tightly and said, “I love you, my dearest Aenna. I have always loved you, but I cannot do this to you.” He began to move away from me, but I reached out with both arms and clung to his wet shirt.
“No, Jarik, please. You’re not doing anything that I don’t want you to do.”
“Aenna, forgive me, but you are hurt and vulnerable. I cannot take advantage of you. It is bad enough that I have done this much.”
“Jarik, don’t say that,” I pleaded. “Please, Jarik, I need you. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I’ve felt the least bit desirable?” He opened his eyes questioningly, and I said, “Since before Raelik was born. Jarik, I have not been touched like this since before I was taken away.”
An incredulous look swept over Jarik’s face. “Is he mad?” he asked
angrily. “By the Gods, Aenna, I don’t understand how he could resist you, when I have spent every night since that day at the outpost dreaming of being with you.” He kissed me softly, endearingly, and then whispered into my ear, “It is a tragedy that a woman as beautiful as yourself could ever imagine that you are undesirable.”
“Then show me how you desire me, Jarik. I love you, and I need you to love me. Show me that of which you say you have dreamed. Make love with me, please.”
He began kissing me again. I slipped the tip of my tongue between his lips to entice him. I wanted so badly to feel his weight upon me. I hungered to hear him moan in pleasure as he moved in me. I was enthralled to imagine him calling out my name in ecstasy.
Just as I thought my fantasy would come true, he stopped kissing me again and said, “I cannot do this. Aenna, my love, much as it means fighting every spark of desire in my body and soul, I cannot make love with you.” He laid himself beside me and pulled me into his arms. Kissing my forehead, he said in obvious worry, “If you were to have a child from our union, Aenna, everything would fall apart. Your current troubles would seem as nothing compared to that which would arise from such a scandal. It would be treasonous for each of us, and we could rightly be hanged for it. I cannot put you at that risk, no matter how much I wish to love you. Furthermore, as much as Kurit has become a wretch of late, he is still my cousin and my King. I cannot betray him.”
I shuddered in guilt at the mention of betraying my Kurit. I closed my eyes and felt that I was about to weep, both from Jarik’s denial and the knowledge that I was, in fact, being unfaithful to my husband and my son’s father, when suddenly Jarik pulled himself back from me.
“But yet I cannot leave you feeling unwanted, Aenna, not when I have longed for so long to be with you like this,” he whispered and then kissed me again. As his mouth moved hungrily on mine, he pushed me to lie back again in the grass. He lifted his head and said in a voice rich with love and desire, “Though I cannot do as you ask and take pleasurable advantage of you, I can and will give you the attention you deserve.”
Sorrows of Adoration Page 44