He fell again to kissing my neck, this time more ravenously than before. I moaned lustily as he moved his kisses and nibbles further down, soon putting his face between my breasts. I closed my eyes in delight as he swept his tongue over my nipples and ran his strong hands down to my hips.
He continued kissing me further down, tracing a slow line of kisses over my waist, stopping just above my most private area. Then to my complete surprise, he moved himself between my legs and put his mouth to me there.
“By the Temple, Jarik, what are you doing?” I asked, starting to sit up. But his tongue parted me and moved on that sensitive spot, filling my entire body with such fiery pleasure that I collapsed back into the grass and moaned in delight.
Never had I conceived of such a thing. It seemed obscene, but try as I did to pull away from him, it was all I could do to writhe in exquisite pleasure as he continued to use his tongue and lips on me. I stopped fighting it, both in my mind and with my body, and allowed him to bring me to the height of ecstasy.
His skilled mouth, the very obscenity of it, and the fact I had gone so long without a man’s love combined to quickly fill me with a delicious fire. I called out his name in rapture as my hands ripped great amounts of grass from the ground on either side of me.
When he finished, he rose and left me there, naked, eyes closed, fists full of lustily torn dirt and grass. A moment later, I felt a softness around me, and opened my eyes to see that he was wrapping my body in the large, soft towel Leiset had left beside my clothes.
Jarik laid himself beside me in the grass and pulled me into his arms. I nuzzled my face against his shoulder, his shirt still wet from his plunge into the lake.
“I love you,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head.
“I want to please you as well,” I said.
“Aenna, the memory of you calling out my name in your delight will be more than sufficient gratification for me in lonely nights to come. Much as I long to make love with you now, I have told you, I cannot.”
“I wish that I could split in two, and one of me could run off with you, Jarik, while the other half could go back and be a proper Queen in Endren.”
He chuckled softly and squeezed me tight. “Aenna, I have wished a thousand times of late that I could take you in my arms and carry you off to another land where I might love you and protect you from all harm and sorrows. And I shall tell you this now: if Kurit cannot regain his self-control, I will do just that. I won’t let him destroy you. I cannot bear to watch him hurt you again, my love.” He kissed my forehead several times and said, “If that should happen, if I should have to take you away from him, then and only then will I take pleasure in your love. To do so now would violate everything that I am.”
He loosened his hold on me to pull back and look at me in earnest. He caressed my cheek, making me smile. We lay together, smiling quietly in love, for some time.
Though the girlish, romantic part of me yearned to let that perfect moment continue indefinitely, my adult mind soon was forced to speak. “Leiset must know at least something of what we have been doing. She quite likely returned here, saw us, and left.”
Jarik nodded, still caressing my cheek. “Hopefully she’ll have the sense to forget whatever she saw.”
“Leiset is motivated by a strong morality, Jarik, but she also knows and loves me. I have no doubt that she will be discreet for my own sake. I trust her.”
“Nonetheless, I suppose we ought to return before anyone else conceives of a rumour.”
I nodded. He stood and helped me to my feet. I held the towel around me as I walked to where my clothes sat. It was perfectly ridiculous to conceal myself from him, after all that had happened, but it seemed somehow appropriate. As I dressed myself, I saw that he had his back deliberately turned. He stood with his hands on his hips, idly facing the other direction. Again, it was absurd, but I knew he was showing me a clear indication of respect in spite of everything.
I loved him all the more for it.
When I was dressed, I went to him and quietly put my arm in his. He smiled at me warmly and then began slowly walking me up the path.
“I must confess, Aenna, I have loved you since long before the troubles with Kurit began.”
I nodded. “I know, Jarik.”
“Have I been so obvious?”
“I have seen your face at times when you clearly longed for me. I saw how you fought for me to be my Champion. I know you’ve been in love with me since then.”
“Much earlier than that, Aenna.”
I paused, and since my arm was in his, he stopped as well. I looked at him seriously and asked, “How long, then?”
“Since I picked you up in my arms at the outpost.”
“But, Jarik,” I said in disbelief, “you did not even know me!”
He nodded solemnly. “I shall tell you of that later, when we have time to speak in private.” We continued walking. “I have another confession, Aenna. It’s not one I’m proud of, but I feel now that I must be honest with you.”
“Tell me, Jarik. I will not judge you.” I looked up at him as we walked, but his face remained forward, as though he feared to look at my eyes.
“When I found you in Mikilrun, before I went to tell Kurit that you were there, I …” He sighed guiltily, so I moved my hand on his arm gently to reassure him. “I had almost given up my search for you. It had been several months, and too many times I had thought that I had caught a glimpse of you, but it would always be some other woman. I was finishing my circle full of sorrow and feelings of failure.
“Then I approached an inn and saw a woman sweeping the step. She had very long red hair, and of course my heart leapt. Then I told myself it could not be you, for it had not been you all of those other times. Still, the fact that this red-haired woman was so far south was enough to prompt me to look more closely.
“I still had my winter’s cloak in my packs. I put it on and pulled the hood over my face and went inside to watch her. I sat at the opposite end of the pub where another barmaid served me ale that I barely sipped and did so only enough to avoid suspicion. The red-haired barmaid came out of the kitchen, and I knew it was you. I was filled with such joy that it was difficult not to leap up from my table.
“I watched you for nearly an hour, Aenna. I just stared at you, loving you. I found myself wondering if you had met another man and fallen in love in the time that you had been gone. But you did not look like a happy woman in love. You worked diligently, with the effort and concentration of one who wishes to keep other thoughts away. You looked sad, at times. You looked alone, though you were surrounded by people.
“Aenna, my confession is that I didn’t want to tell Kurit you were there. As you worked, I watched you and envisioned myself rising from my table, pulling back my hood, approaching you and taking you into my arms. I wanted to tell you then and there that I loved you. I wanted to beg you to marry me, and I would have carried you off myself. I would have taken you far away and made a life for us. I don’t know how … perhaps I would have hired myself out as a guard to some small lord who would not recognize me. I didn’t have a sound plan in mind. I just wanted to be with you.”
“Then why didn’t you?” I asked, though I suspected the answer.
“I could not betray Kurit. I knew him to be back in Endren pining for you. I could not destroy him for my own gain.”
I nodded, for that was the answer I had anticipated. I longed to speak more of these things with him, for I wished to pour out my heart and hear him do likewise unto me. His words of love made my heart soar, couched though they were in guilt and betrayal. But we saw Leiset sitting on a rock just ahead of us on the path and had to cut our conversation short.
As we approached her, she rose and kept her head low. “I did not wish to go back alone and arouse suspicion,” she said quietly, blushing. She quite clearly had seen us together, and though I knew she would not be fearful of me, she seemed to shrink away from Jarik’s gaze.
; “We appreciate your discretion, Leiset. Thank you,” I said.
Jarik realized the poor woman was uncomfortable under his eye and tried to be kind. “Leiset, I most humbly apologize for shouting at you before. I should not have said the things that I did and surely not so angrily. I am sorry.”
She nodded at him politely. “Thank you, Lord Jarik, but you were right to scold. I should not have left Her Majesty alone.” There was an odd tone to her last few words, and I spied a slight narrowing of her eyes at him. I knew her well enough to know that she was angry with him for what we had done. She turned and led the way up the remainder of the path.
Chapter 22
THINGS WERE ODD that evening between Jarik and myself. I could, as always, feel his eyes upon me, but whenever I returned his glance, he forced a small smile and turned his eyes away. I thought perhaps he feared he would look at me too lovingly and those around us would catch the look, or perhaps he felt ashamed of what we had done and was afraid to tell me and upset me. It certainly would have upset me to learn he was ashamed. I would have felt very much a harlot if he were to be regretful about our intimacy of that afternoon.
He escorted me to my room in the evening, kissed my hand decorously, and said goodnight. There I stood in my doorway, watching him walk slowly down the hall to his own chamber door. As he opened it, I expected to see him turn to glance at me, but he did not. I felt awful as I closed my door.
Leiset came to me shortly thereafter. I could not look at her face, for I worried that she would lecture me on just how inappropriate it was of me to allow Jarik to kiss me and touch me as he had done. I did not know how much of our intimacy she had witnessed, but I was sure any part thereof would be certain fodder for a moralistic lecture.
She did not speak as she took my clothes and handed me a nightdress. She did not speak as she helped me unwrap my hair and put it into a braid for the night. She made no mention of the fact that I had never received the bath salts she had gone to fetch, and she did not offer to draw a bath for me there in the room. She did not speak a word the entire time, not even as she approached the door to leave.
“Leiset!” I finally said in anguish. “I had thought your lecture would be terrible, but this silence is a thousand times worse. Please, just tell me what a vile, unfaithful trollop I’ve been and be done with it!”
Leiset turned slowly to me. Her face was not angry as I expected but instead very sorrowful. “Aenna, you’re not a vile trollop. Unfaithful, yes, but to a husband who does not, of late, deserve your faith. You know I believe in the sanctity of marriage in the eyes of the Gods. His Majesty broke that sanctity when he struck you, if not every other time he cut you with his hateful words. I know I speak treason to say it, but I have loathed him since he began tearing you apart. I despise him for what he has done to you, and I do not trust him to make things right, despite any assurances I have spoken to you in an effort to cheer you.”
“Then why are you angry with Jarik? I can see it in your eyes, Leiset.”
“I am angry with him for not taking you away sooner.”
I was stunned. The good and proper Leiset seemed to be telling me that she wished my Champion had shed his honour to his position and King and had stolen me away. “He couldn’t do that, Leiset. You know he had a duty to his cousin and King. Surely you can’t mean to tell me you wish he had cast aside honour in favour of his affections for me?”
“He had a duty to protect you. Regardless of his affections, he should have taken you away from Endren before Kurit could have struck you. And where was he when this occurred? What if your husband had been so drunk that instead of merely hitting you he instead put his hands around your throat? Where was your Champion when you lay on the floor of the King’s workroom, stunned senseless?”
“That’s unfair, Leiset. Jarik can’t watch over me at every minute. He’s human.”
“He should have known something like this was coming. He should have foreseen it and taken you away.”
“I would not have let him,” I said firmly. “I had no intention of leaving Kurit to run this kingdom in his drunken state.”
“Which is precisely why Jarik should have intervened. He could have taken you back to Staelorn.”
“Leiset, really, he could not have known that Kurit would strike me.”
“Why not? I knew it would happen!” The very moment she spoke the words, she put her hands to her paled face. She slumped against the door’s frame as she closed her eyes and began to weep.
I stood still, stunned by the entire conversation, and not knowing what to do.
Soon she lifted her reddened eyes to me and said, “I knew the day would come when he would strike you. I could see it in his anger. He would never strike his mother, though it was truly she that angered him. I knew he would hurt you. I feared he might even kill you.” She hung her head shamefully and whispered, “I should not condemn Jarik. You are right of that. I condemn myself. I should have acted myself. I should have said something, perhaps to you, perhaps to Jarik, but I was afraid. I was afraid to commit the treasonous act and possibly be sent away. I was afraid you would be angry with me for the suggestion, and I could not bear that. I was weak, and I am sorry.”
“I would not have believed you, but I would not have been angry with you either,” I said. “I admit I may have thought you to be overreacting, but I wouldn’t have condemned you for it, and I certainly wouldn’t have let you be sent away.”
She nodded, still looking towards the floor. “I should have known that as well. I was foolish. I was a foolish coward, and it could have cost you your life. I have to live with that.” She began to go to her room and close the door.
I stepped forward and held the door open, reaching to touch her shoulder with my other hand. “Leiset, don’t blame yourself on this,” I said.
She turned her eyes to me briefly and said, “I do, and I always shall.” I moved to embrace her, but she stepped away from me. “No, Aenna. Your intention of comfort is kind and appreciated, but I cannot accept it. Please, I know I haven’t the right to ask anything of you, but please leave me to my penance.”
I let her close the door without another word. I felt quite selfish, for there I had been with my constant tears and suffering, when my friend was suffering as well. I had not comforted her. I had not even known she needed it.
I sighed and went about putting out the lamps. Then I went to the bed and fell backwards upon it, not bothering to get under the sheets, as it was a warm and somewhat humid night. I remained where I had fallen for almost half an hour, just staring at the canopy in the darkness. I thought of how I had been before meeting Kurit. I had been strong and independent. I needed no one back then and was proud of that.
Then I thought of how things had changed. I had had my moments of strength and independence—I had rebuilt part of Endren, and I had fled from my captors in Wusul on my own. I imagined that if someone had told me my own story but with the names changed, I would have considered the woman who had done such things to be impressively strong. I thought about Raelik’s birth and realized that I would have found the lady of the story to be quite valiant.
Yet, despite knowing that this was my own life, I could not apply the same considerations to myself. I knew all too well that I had been mad with fear when giving birth to my son and on the entire journey home. I knew my own mind well enough to recognize that it was not strength that had motivated me in building the new part of Endren but rather a sad and desperate need to be away from my personal troubles.
I sighed again, feeling pathetic. It seemed everything that I should be respectable for was, in fact, an example of my weakness. I was not the Good Queen Aenna as they called me. I was the foolish girl I had always been, only weaker and needier since having left the Traveller’s Torch.
I turned over onto my side and stared at the moonlight on the floor where it shone through the windowed balcony doors. I wondered if Jarik was sleeping or if he was awake and tortured by self-doubt as I was.
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I pulled a pillow from the other side of the bed and wrapped my arms around it as though it were Jarik. Though of course it felt nothing like him, the thought of lying in his arms was a sweet comfort. I imagined his arms encircling me, protecting me. I imagined that I could feel him softly kissing my forehead and perhaps hear him whisper that everything would be fine.
Then I found myself worrying that our intimacy earlier in the day might result in him pulling away from me. I began to fear that he would feel sufficient guilt to make him not wish to hold me at all any more, and I almost wept at the thought. I knew that I needed him a great deal, though I hated myself for it.
I flung the pillow away from me, irritated that I’d worked myself into the beginning of tears. I sat up in the bed and brushed my hands on my cheeks roughly. I considered telling Jarik that I was fine and no longer needed him but sighed again when I realized he would not believe me. He knew that I needed him. And I needed him too much to cut him out of my heart.
My head felt cluttered, and the room felt stifling. I rose from the bed and opened the balcony doors. The night air swept over me, and though it was warm and humid, it was refreshing compared to the stale indoor air.
I stepped out onto the balcony, eyes closed, inhaling deeply of the sweet summer air. It brought to me the scents of trees and grass and life, and I let it soothe me. I could hear the wind in the trees around the cottage, and the sound relaxed me further.
When I opened my eyes and leaned forward on the railing, I caught a movement to my side in the darkness. I turned quickly and saw a figure on Jarik’s balcony. I was momentarily startled until I saw in the moonlight that it was, in fact, Jarik himself. He was watching me and had leaned forward in his chair when I had moved to my balcony’s edge.
“I’m not going to pitch myself off,” I said quietly.
I could barely see him nod as he said, “I know. Just be careful that you don’t fall.”
I wondered what he was thinking: was he looking at me in my thin nightdress and wishing he could touch me, or was he wishing that I had not come outside and disturbed his reverie? “I’ll be fine, Jarik,” I said in reassurance. “I always am, eventually.”
Sorrows of Adoration Page 45