In the Distance

by Eileen Griffin

  “You’ve got to be joking.”

  Trevor turned back toward me and laughed. “I love my parents. I really do. They’re awesome people. But when I decided to stay in town and go to NYU, well, let’s just say they didn’t waste any time finding me a place on the Lower East Side.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You do know most kids would kill to have that kind of problem.”

  His eyes widened. “I swear I didn’t mean it that way. Crap. Yeah, I know. First-World problems, right? It’s just I’d spent the past thirteen years in private school and the last seven of them at a boarding school in Albany, so I guess I just wanted a place that looked more like the ones in the movies. All scruffy and nasty with pizza boxes stacked up in the stairwell.”

  This time it was my turn to laugh. Trevor ducked his head, but not before I saw his embarrassment. If I’d thought he was handsome before, in this moment, he was absolutely stunning. I shook my head to clear it of thoughts that I really didn’t need to be thinking right now and made my way into my tiny kitchen. He draped his leather jacket over the back of one of the chairs before joining me.

  “Well, there aren’t any pizza boxes in the stairwell, but you’re more than welcome to make yourself comfortable in my so-not-First-World-problem apartment while I heat up the hash.”

  He settled his hip against the counter as I set to work getting everything out and warmed up. Without asking, he opened the fridge and pulled out two sodas. Trevor was in my kitchen, making himself at home as if he’d been here countless times instead of just once. It felt good. Unsettling, but good.

  When the microwaved dinged, I took down two small plates, dividing the hash between them. “It’s better when you heat it up in the oven, but it takes too long.”

  “I wouldn’t have minded.”

  I reached out to hand him the plate, pausing midpass. Everything about tonight had me off balance. Trevor and I were friends. And yet, the more time I spent with him, I desperately wanted for there to be more. Trevor turned to sit at the table, but I nudged his arm and tilted my head toward the futon.

  As soon as he was seated, he asked, “Not that I’m complaining, but is there something wrong with your table?”

  I muttered, “It was Ethan and Jamie’s. I think, um, I’m pretty sure it was well used before I inherited it.”

  Once he stopped laughing, Trevor looked back at the table and shook his head. “I don’t care what I have to do to convince you, but we’re getting you a new table.”

  The thought of telling Ethan and Jamie the reason why I was getting a table was almost as funny as Trevor glancing back at the table and wiping his hand on his jeans. When he was somewhat satisfied with the cleanliness of his hand, he picked up his fork and took a bite of the hash. I waited, watching him as his lips closed around the tines. His eyes closed. The cold air in the apartment suddenly felt a lot warmer, and I was thankful for the plate I’d settled on my lap.

  He opened his eyes. “Remind me not to give Jamie shit again about his food.”

  It took some effort, but I lifted my eyes from his lips. “Crowd-pleaser?”

  He nodded and took another bite, talking around a mouthful of food. “Better. Oh, I’m still going to give him shit about the table, but I’ll happily suck up to him to get more of this.”

  When the last bite disappeared, he set his plate down and grinned. “I’m stuffed. Between dinner and this, I’ll have to add a few extra workouts at the gym next week.”

  Whether it was from the comfort food or the fact that sitting on my futon with him felt more natural than I’d expected it to, I said, “You look pretty good to me.”

  Once the words were out of my mouth, I immediately wished them back. When he didn’t say anything, I looked down at my plate, willing myself invisible. I sucked at these things.

  A hand appeared in my line of vision. I watched mutely as it gently lifted the plate from my lap and set it on the coffee table. His hand settled gently under my chin as he tipped my face back up. When my gaze met his, I saw the question there. The need to feel his lips on mine trumped the nerves coiling in my stomach, and I nodded.

  His fingers slid across my jaw, leaving a burning trail in their wake until they were cupping the back of my neck. Slowly, he tugged me closer to him until our lips were almost touching. At that moment, I didn’t care what the consequences would be. All I knew was I wanted him to kiss me, so I leaned forward, closing what little distance still lay between us and brushed my lips over his.

  I felt, rather than heard, a tiny sigh escape him, and then his lips pressed harder against mine. In every fantasy I’d had about kissing him, I’d never thought it would be like this. Trevor’s kiss was slow and gentle. It was everything I never knew I needed, and so much more than I’d expected.

  When I felt the slight tug on my bottom lip, I reached out and pulled him closer to me, the air vibrating between us. Before I could think about what was happening, his nails scraped the back of my neck, pulling me harder against him. This kiss was more insistent, more demanding. Common sense was screaming for me to pull back, to slow things down so we could figure out what was going on. But I was tired of fighting this. More than that, I was so tired of being alone. This, whatever this was with Trevor, might not last but for one night, I was right where I wanted to be.

  So I ignored the part of my brain screaming at me to slow down, closed my eyes and surrendered to the kiss. My hands found their way up Trevor’s chest and I fisted them in his shirt, pulling him even closer to me. Trevor’s free hand joined the one on the back of my neck at the same moment I felt his tongue glide across the seam of my lips.

  Each stroke, each nip, every graze of his teeth sent me spiraling higher. The more he kissed me, the more I wanted. His weight had shifted, pressing me back against the side of the futon. I tightened my fists in his shirt, pulling him harder against me.

  I’d begun to slide my hands down his chest when he broke the kiss, nipping my bottom lip with his teeth before pulling away. He pressed his lips against mine once, twice more, then he rested his forehead against mine. Our labored breathing was the only sound in the apartment. I kept my eyes closed for a few more seconds, reveling in the weight of him.

  When I felt him shift and pull away, I opened my eyes, already preparing myself to see regret etched on his face. Instead, what I saw made my breath catch. The rich brown of his irises were almost completely black, his breathing nearly as unsteady as my own, but it was the intensity of his gaze that undid me.

  He took a few more deep breaths, and I watched as the intensity began to bleed away. When he seemed to have himself under better control, he leaned closer, barely brushing his lips against mine.

  “I should go before I do something we’ll both regret.”

  I opened my mouth, only to close it. What was I going to say? My thoughts had finally cleared enough to realize begging wasn’t an attractive quality. Not trusting my voice, I nodded and scooted away from him, putting a healthy amount of distance between us when I stood up.

  Trevor sighed behind me but remained silent as he followed me to the door, his jacket draped over one of his arms. I’d just turned the doorknob when firm hands gripped my shoulders and turned me around, pinning my back against the hard plane of the door. Trevor’s mouth slanted over mine.

  The kiss was different from the ones we’d shared on the futon. The intensity was still there, but the control Trevor had shown just minutes before was gone. He didn’t wait for me to open for him, instead sliding his tongue past my lips to plunder my mouth.

  It was over just as quickly as it had begun. Trevor’s hand slid up to cup my jaw, his thumbs gently skimming my cheekbones. Holding my gaze, he leaned in again and placed a soft, chaste kiss on my lips. “Thank you for tonight.”

  Still overwhelmed from the kiss, I simply nodded. I found the doorknob behind me, and without anoth
er word, Trevor left. I closed the door behind him, turned off the glaringly bright lamps and sank back down on the futon.

  I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting there when my butt vibrated. At first I thought it was the aftershocks of that last kiss still rolling through me, but when it happened again, I shifted to the side and pulled my phone out of my back pocket.

  I swiped my thumb over the screen. “Hello?”

  “Please tell me you understand why I had to leave.”

  “Look, Trevor—”

  He cut me off. “Tyler, please tell me you know why I couldn’t stay.”

  What could I say? My head was still reeling from the kiss and I was more than a little confused by his sudden departure. When I didn’t answer, he sighed.

  “If I hadn’t left when I did, I wouldn’t have left at all.”

  “I don’t understand.” And I didn’t. Hadn’t that been the point? I hadn’t hidden the fact I wanted him. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why that added up to him having to leave so suddenly.

  “I’m not proud of what I’m going to say but I refuse to fuck this up again.”

  “Fuck what up again?”

  When he spoke again, his voice softer, but still insistent. “You. This. All of it.”

  “Trevor—”

  “Just listen. Okay?”

  I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me. “Okay.”

  “I’m the type of guy who has no problem not staying. In fact, until tonight, it would have never entered my mind not to stay. And then leave.”

  “I still don’t understand.” Was he saying I wasn’t his type? That the kiss that had left me reeling hadn’t affected him at all?

  “I left because I’m not the kind of guy who stays, Tyler. I’m the kind of guy who leaves and doesn’t come back.”

  “Oh.” Well, fuck. What did you say to something like that?

  “Trust me, I wanted to stay. But I figured it would just fuck everything up more. Oh, and I gave Ethan and Jamie my word.”

  A chill ran down my spine. “And what word was that, exactly?”

  “I promised I wouldn’t try anything.”

  “Son of a bitch.”

  “Tyler, listen to me. Ethan and Jamie care about you. I know it’s annoying as fuck to have two bosses who also moonlight as your older brothers, but they honestly care about you. In a way, I’m glad they made me promise. I don’t exactly have a perfect track record, and the last thing I want is for you to feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d been dying to see you again, but I didn’t take you out to dinner to get in your pants. You deserve someone who’s not going to make you feel like shit with his choice of restaurants or take advantage of you on your futon afterward. I like you. I like being around you. I don’t want to screw any of that up because kissing you short-circuited my brain for a few minutes there.”

  Hearing Trevor tell me about the promise he’d made to Ethan and Jamie made me want to march over to the restaurant and have my own little chat with my adoptive older brothers. I wasn’t a child who needed protecting. Hell, whenever I was with Trevor, I didn’t want to be protected. For so long I’d had to deny who I was, constantly pretending to be the perfect son so I didn’t rock the boat at home. Even now, surrounded by people who cared about and accepted me, I still felt the need to be what everyone wanted me to be. A trustworthy and dedicated employee. A hardworking student. A friend who tried to listen, even when talking about myself was almost impossible to do.

  But with Trevor, I’d let my guard down. It was terrifying, but also liberating. Instead of wanting to keep him at arm’s distance, I ached to pull him in closer than I’d ever let anyone in before. I was tired of other people telling me how to live my life. I wanted more, damn the consequences.

  “I’m not a kid, Trevor. I get that Ethan and Jamie want to try to protect me, but I can make my own decisions about who I want to spend time with, both at a restaurant and on my futon. I admit I was overwhelmed with the Canlis, but that’s my issue. Not yours. I’m not asking for any promises for tomorrow or next week. I just want to spend time with you. Right now. Not over texts or when you drop by Bistro 30. Now. You might have a crappy track record, but I don’t have any record. Don’t you think it’s my decision what I want to do and who I want to do it with?”

  Even though he couldn’t see me, I closed my eyes before I spoke again, the embarrassment almost stopping the words from coming out of my mouth. “Was it okay? The...you know? I mean, is that why you really left? I can take the truth. It’s okay.”

  I scrubbed a hand over my face, mortified. I felt like I was in high school again, except I’d only ever kissed one person back then and we’d been caught by my parents before I’d even gotten the chance to ask if he’d liked it.

  A soft chuckle came through the earpiece, then Trevor’s voice, lower and huskier than it had been just moments before. “Was it okay? No.”

  My heart sank. Then, he spoke again. “Kissing you was fucking incredible.”

  Thank God. I wasn’t a shitty kisser. That news made me bold enough to ask another question. “If I’d asked you to stay, would you have?”

  His groan went straight to my dick. “I’ll probably go straight to hell for saying this, but yes.”

  “Really?” Right now, I was so glad he couldn’t see the growing bulge in my jeans.

  “You’re killing me, Smalls. But yeah, I would have stayed.”

  We both let that sink in for a minute, before I broke the silence and said, “Too bad you didn’t let me ask.”

  Just when I thought I’d overstepped whatever boundaries we had, or didn’t have, Trevor said, “Ask me now.”

  His request caught me off guard. “Shouldn’t we have had this conversation before you left?”

  In a strained voice, Trevor repeated, “Tyler, ask me.”

  I closed my eyes and leaned all the way back, wishing we’d done this twenty minutes ago. Ethan and Jamie might have thought they knew what was best for me, but I was tired of everyone else deciding what I needed. I had no delusions about this being a long-term thing with Trevor, but it was my decision whether or not I chose to see where this was going. No one else’s. “Stay?”

  My eyes flew open when a soft knock sounded on the door and echoed through the phone. “Trevor?”

  The call disconnected as another knock came. Before I’d made a conscious decision to do anything, my phone was tossed aside and my hand rested against the front door. I took a deep breath and turned the doorknob. He didn’t say hello, or ask to come in, or utter a word. Instead he raised his hands to cup my face, then kissed me. I don’t remember him shutting the door, or us moving deeper into the apartment, but when he finally broke the kiss, we were already halfway to the futon.

  Trevor sighed and rested his forehead against mine. “You can ask me to leave at any time.”

  Now that he was here, the thought of asking him to leave was physically painful. When I didn’t say anything, he tilted his head back and looked at me. “I mean it.”

  I’d never been one to speak up for myself. Hell, when my parents kicked me out, I’d packed my stuff and walked through the front door without even attempting to get them to let me stay. But after tonight and that kiss, the thought of Trevor leaving was unbearable.

  With more confidence than I felt, I held his gaze and said, “I want you to stay.”

  For a moment, neither of us spoke. I had all but resigned myself to him coming to his senses, when the barest trace of his fingers skimmed over my cheek. A shudder rolled through my body and it took everything in me to hold myself together. Without breaking eye contact, he leaned forward, and once again our lips met.

  As if we’d done this a hundred times, I began to pull him deeper into my apartment. I paused only to gu
ide us past the kitchen and breakfast area and into the living room, then tugged him the last few feet back to the futon.

  Trevor’s hands found their way into my hair as he kissed my neck. I tried to hold it in, but when he found the spot under my jaw near my ear, I whimpered. Soft breath fanned out over my skin, accompanied by an answering moan.

  “This. This is why I left.”

  I tried to pull back, but his grip tightened in my hair, refusing to let me go. “You have no idea the things I want to do to you right now.”

  His words sent shock waves through me. I didn’t want to think about what any of this would mean tomorrow or next week. Trevor was here right now, with his lips still softly nuzzling my neck. I’d deal with the fallout over my decision tomorrow. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back, giving him better access to my neck.

  “Fuck.” His words vibrated over my skin, making me shudder again. I wrapped my arms around him, digging my fingers into the small of his back. Trevor trailed his hands down over my shoulders and back, eventually settling them on my ass and bringing my hips to his.

  My cock throbbed against the stiff denim of my jeans. Trevor paused, then took my hand.

  “You should know, I asked you to dinner—hell, I’ve been texting you more than I text anyone for a solid month now—because I like being around you. Not some version Jamie and Ethan have of you where you need protecting, but the you who calls me on shit instead of letting me get away with it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out and said, ‘Tyler will flip when I tell him about this.’ I used to have that with J, but things change. People change. I guess what I’m saying is it’s been nice not to have to be Trevor Pratt, Entertainment Manager and Trust-Fund Baby with you. With you, I’m just Trevor, and you have no idea how fucking good it feels to just be Trevor.”

  He paused and looked down at his hand still wrapped around mine. “I suck at all this. I don’t do relationships and most of my dates are one-shot deals. But you make me want to throw all my self-imposed rules out the window. Because the truth is, I couldn’t imagine flying out here and not seeing you.” His eyes found mine again and he added, “Why do you think I flew into Seattle instead of flying straight into Portland?”