In the Distance

by Eileen Griffin

  I shook my head in an attempt to clear the confusion, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what they were getting at. “Everything’s fine. Did I screw something up? I’ll fix it. I promise.”

  Jamie’s smile softened. “No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just we heard you were thinking about changing your area of study and trying something more related to culinary education rather than training to be a master chef.”

  What the fuck? Jamie stared at me as he waited for me to speak. I swallowed hard as guilt added to the nerves churning away in my stomach.

  “Tyler, you know we support whatever decision you make. We think it’s great—”

  “Why didn’t you come talk to us?” Ethan blurted out as Jamie shot him an admonishing look.

  “I don’t know, Chef. I mean, I really don’t know what I want yet. I didn’t want to say anything before I talked to someone at the Institute.”

  It was Jamie’s smile that broke me. “Oh. That’s okay. We just wanted you to know we’re always here for you.”

  As the two men I respected and looked up to the most in the world stared at me, the words tumbled out, “I don’t want you to think I take you guys, the restaurant, all of it, for granted.”

  “Tyler, we’ve never thought that.” Jamie shifted his weight as he watched me.

  I looked down at my feet, at my scruffy, worn-out shoes. “I don’t want to jeopardize my scholarship. I really do love school and I’m grateful for everything. I just thought maybe I could do something else.”

  I swallowed hard as my voice cracked. Shame swept over me. Why couldn’t I talk about this without feeling like a little kid? “I just don’t want you to be disappointed in me because I might not want to be a chef like the both of you.”

  Ethan made a pained noise in his throat and leaned forward until I finally met his gaze. “Listen. Nothing you do could ever disappoint us, Tyler. Nothing.”

  “Nothing’s final. I was waiting to talk to one of the advisors at school to see if it was even possible to change from practical kitchen training to teaching. I won’t know anything until then, so it didn’t seem important to bring it up yet.”

  Jamie patted my hand, but it only made me feel worse when he said, “You’re part of our family, Tyler. Whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with us.”

  I looked at both of them, my shame burning brighter. Ethan’s intense stare made me look away. He wasn’t angry, I realized. He was quietly disappointed, which was worse than angry. “I just wish you would have said something earlier. I hate that you’ve been struggling with this alone when we could have tried to help. Hell, Jamie or I would have been happy to go up to the advisors with you. But we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on.”

  Jamie shot Ethan another glare before turning back to me. “We’ll always support you, Tyler. If the decision to do this is about money, Ethan and I will help. We’re willing to do whatever you need to help you get the degree you want. Never be afraid to ask either of us for help.”

  “I didn’t want to ask for money. Don’t you see? I’m not—”

  “A charity case?” Ethan’s eyebrow rose. “Trust me, Jamie heard that enough from me. You’re not. At all. We both know about being short on money and having a goal. If we can help out, we’ll do everything we can, okay? You just have to trust enough that we’re always going to be here for you, no matter what. You’re not just an employee. You’re family. Whether you like it or not. I just never thought you couldn’t trust us with something like that, that’s all. Imagine how we felt when Jamie had to hear this from Trevor, instead of you.”

  “God dammit, Ethan. We said we wouldn’t bring that up,” Jamie hissed.

  “What?” Ethan looked anything but sorry as he shook his head in disgust. “We’re with Tyler almost every fucking day of the week, and yet it’s Trustfund who has to tell you our sous-chef wants to change his major but is too nervous to talk to us about it? Come on, Jamie. Even you know that’s bullshit.”

  “This isn’t the time or place to talk about Trevor,” Jamie warned.

  “Why the fuck not? First he chats up Tyler in our kitchen. Then, he all but drags him out of here to dinner with him. And now we have to find out from that asshole that Tyler is too fucking scared of us to come to us with something as easy as a change in majors?” Ethan growled.

  “Are you kidding me?”

  Both Ethan and Jamie snapped their attention back to me. It was evident from the surprise on both their faces neither one thought I’d dare utter a word during this inquisition.

  “Tyler—”

  I held up my hands to stop Ethan. “You know what? I’m sorry you had to hear about it from Trevor, but did you ever think, for one goddamn minute, that I just needed a sounding board before coming to you about it?”

  Jamie tried to answer, but Ethan spoke over him. “And you honestly thought Trevor was a good sounding board? I have no clue what lies he sold you, but Trevor is not, I repeat, not good for you, Tyler. Not as a sounding board, and certainly not as a friend.”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

  “Tyler, we just want what’s best for you.”

  I glared at Jamie first, then Ethan. For over a year and a half, I’d been a model employee. I’d kept my mouth shut when Ethan had torn me a new asshole when I first started working for him, and I’d kept it shut every day since then. But this? I could pretend to be a lot of things, but I refused to pretend everything Ethan had said was the final fucking answer on whatever Trevor and I did.

  I scrubbed my hand over my face and tried to rein in my anger. “I’m sorry I disappointed you. Hell, I’m sorry I didn’t come to you first to talk about school, but as you can see from what just happened here, I’m obviously not trusted to make my own fucking decisions about my life.”

  Without another word, I turned and left their office. Enrique shot me a concerned look on my way back through the kitchen, but I waved him off as I headed to the back to grab my coat. I’d made it only a few steps outside the restaurant when a text came through from Ethan. Still too pissed to deal with him and Jamie, I silenced my phone and stuffed it back in my pocket. I wandered around in a daze for over an hour, and before I knew it, I was miles away from Bistro 30. The more I turned the conversation over in my mind, the more pissed-off I got. Sure, I should have told them earlier, but I’d wanted a little bit more time to figure stuff out for myself before bringing them into it. Time I didn’t have now, thanks to Trevor. Ethan had never minced words when it came to Trevor. In Ethan’s eyes, Trevor was a piece of shit who didn’t deserve his, or anyone’s, time of day. A frustrated voice at the back of my mind piped up, You trusted Trevor and he told Jamie about it. How’d that work out for you?

  The one thing I couldn’t puzzle out was why he’d even told Jamie. Sure, they were best friends, but after the past few months, I’d never expected him to betray my trust. Maybe it was getting kicked out of my house or maybe it was the time I spent on the streets, but trusting didn’t come easy for me. For him to throw that away hurt far more than it pissed me off.

  I almost pulled my phone out of my pocket to call him, but with a jolt, I realized which direction I’d been heading while trying to get my head from exploding. With a sickening feeling I looked around at the familiar street signs. I’d avoided this area for two years, terrified I’d run into my parents and have another knock-down-drag-out. And yet, with only about a mile left ahead of me, I was headed straight back to the house I’d grown up in.

  Whether it was from a deep-seated need to punish myself even more or Trevor’s words about going to see Megan and Ollie, I didn’t have a clue. All I knew was I wanted, no, I needed to see my sister and brother, to let them know I hadn’t given up on them. I might have fucked things up with Jamie and Ethan by not telling them about school, and I wasn’t holding my breath there wo
uld be anything left between Trevor and me when I confronted him about talking to Jamie behind my back, but I could do this. My parents were assholes who hadn’t been able to deal with a gay son, but even they weren’t so evil they would keep me away from saying a quick hello to my siblings.

  I was so full of longing to see Megan and Ollie I couldn’t have turned back if I wanted to. I took a deep breath when my old house came into view. It looked like the same one-story bungalow house I’d grown up in, but so different now that I was on this side of the fence. This house and neighborhood had been my whole world before my parents decided I wasn’t fit to be in their godly household. Now, two years later, I regretted not being true to myself sooner. It had hurt like hell to be discarded like yesterday’s trash, but at least I was living life on my own terms now. Steeling my nerves, I banged on the door until I finally heard the locks click open and it opened a crack.

  My mom’s face was only partially visible through the opening and the fact she couldn’t even open the door to face me made everything worse.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Hi, Mom. I won’t stay long. I was just wondering if Megan and Ollie were home.”

  “Who is it?” When I heard Megan’s voice, I tried to see around my mom, but she angled her body to block my view.

  “Don’t worry about it. No one important. Go finish your homework.”

  “But, Mom—”

  “Megan, go finish your homework. Now, young lady.”

  Once my mom’s attention was back on me, she gave me one last shake of her head and slammed the door in my face. Shaking with anger, I pounded on the door as hard as I could. They could call me names and cast me out, but I refused to let them take away the two people I cared most about in this world. I banged on the door even harder, making sure everyone on the street knew I was here.

  When the door finally opened, it wasn’t my mom standing on the other side of the threshold, but my father. His expression was as stern as I remembered it growing up, but it was laced with something new. Disgust.

  “I don’t know why you’re here or what you want, but you turn around and leave before things get ugly.”

  “Leave? Are you serious? I’m gone for almost three years and that’s the first thing you have to say to me?”

  My father’s scowl deepened. “We said everything we had to say to you the night you left. No child of mine who chooses the life of sin you’ve chosen is welcome here. Other than that, we have nothing left to say.”

  “You don’t have anything else to say? Fine. I’ll do all the talking. You made it painfully clear you don’t want me as your son anymore, but I’m still Megan and Ollie’s brother and I have a right to see them.”

  “What did you say? You have a right to see them? Over my dead body. You chose to abandon this family when you turned your back on God and our faith. By choosing to let your sinful urges take over, you made your choice to side with the demon of lust over your flesh and blood.”

  “I abandoned this family? Did you forget the part about you kicking me out when you caught me kissing someone? Not stealing, murdering or molesting innocent kids. I was kissing another human being and you slammed the door in my face so quick even I didn’t see it coming.”

  “You forfeited your right to be a part of this family. Now, I’m done asking nicely. Get off my property before you do any more damage.”

  Disbelief sliced through me, but it was the raw brutal pain of seeing the hatred on my dad’s face that gutted me. “Damage this family? Jesus Christ! Are you fucking kidding me? I never thought you’d hate me enough to do something like this.”

  My dad, the man I remember hoisting me up on his shoulders to carry me through the grocery store when I was little and got tired, snorted. He stared at me like I was some piece of garbage stuck to the bottom of his shoe. “Do not use the Lord’s name in vain in my presence. I should have seen the signs when you were younger that you were past the Lord’s help, but this just reaffirms we made the right decision. You’re an aberration against God and I won’t have you destroying Oliver’s or Megan’s life while you’re at it.”

  “Destroying them?” My voice rose and I took a step closer to the door as he flinched. “They’re my brother and sister. I’d never do anything to hurt them.”

  “You hurt them when you chose your faggot lifestyle over a Christian one. You might be fine with damning yourself to the bowels of Hell, but we won’t stand by and let your wicked activities taint your siblings. We might have lost you to the devil, but we won’t lose Megan and Oliver, as well.”

  “The devil? You’ve really lost it, haven’t you? Did you even wonder where I’ve been? Whether I had a roof over my head or food to eat? Did you, for even one brief moment, wonder if I was safe? Or did you just assume I was lying dead in a ditch somewhere, so you could finally wipe your hands clean of me? For God’s sake! Did you ever consider your own son was more important than your fucking religion?’

  “Keep your voice down,” my father hissed.

  “Why? Are you afraid the neighbors will hear your faggot son finally showing his true colors as the heathen you always painted him to be? Well, let them hear. Let them see what your religion did for me. You’re my parents. You’re supposed to fucking care about me, not judge me.”

  “And yet you had to ask why we removed you from our home. This should be enough proof you never allowed Jesus into your heart. This is what damnation looks like.”

  I felt my eyes burn with angry tears. “All I want is one answer. Just one fucking answer and then you’ll never hear from me again. I want to know if you ever tried to look for me. Did you? Did you even give enough of a shit about your own son to look for him when the temperatures dipped down below freezing?”

  “The only person I have to answer to is God. You, on the other hand, made your bed when you chose this lifestyle.”

  “My lifestyle? I’m not even talking about my so-called lifestyle. I’m asking you about my family. You know, the people who are actually supposed to give two shits about me? I guess I’ve been wrong all this time. You aren’t my family, because a real family wouldn’t do this to their son just for being honest about who he’s attracted to. You want to know who my real family is? The people at Bistro 30. They saved me when I was hungry and didn’t have a place to sleep at night. They took me in and gave me a job so I could take care of myself. Hell, they gave me a place in their lives, never once asking me to change who I am. That’s my real family, not this fantasy I thought I had once.”

  Squealing brakes interrupted me, and I turned to look over my shoulder just as a police cruiser rolled to a stop in front of the house. Grief ripped me apart as awareness rushed in. I turned back to my dad and railed.

  “You called the cops on me? On your own fucking son? You think I’m some kind of criminal?”

  “Sir, we’re going to need to ask you to stop yelling and step over here.” The police officer and her partner regarded me cautiously as they stood on the walkway. The fact they’d been called and were now watching me like I was dangerous hurt more than when my parents had actually kicked me out.

  “Just take him away, Officer. He’s trespassing and is not welcome on our property. My wife can attest to the fact I asked him numerous times to leave, but he wouldn’t. So, if you need me to sign something or press charges, I will.” My dad shot me a triumphant look and I felt like I was going to be sick all over the young cop who watched me warily.

  I turned to the officer who was standing behind me, his hand out, gesturing me to leave the porch.

  “Are you honestly going to take him seriously? This is my house.”

  My dad’s voice answered before the cop’s did. “This is not your house anymore.”

  The cop shot my dad a look, then turned to me. “That may be true, son, but you can’t stay if they don’t want you here.”
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  The second cop chimed in, “You can leave now voluntarily or we can arrest you for trespassing.”

  “You know what? I’m good,” I spat. “I’ll leave. After all they kicked me out a long time ago.”

  “Leaving is a good decision, son.”

  I turned and walked away from my parents’ house. After everything that happened, I should have been shaking with emotion. Instead, I felt numb. Empty and numb. Mostly, I just felt alone. I don’t remember the walk to the bus stop or even waiting for the bus to arrive. All I knew was one minute I was walking away from the only house I’d ever lived in to sitting on a bus heading back to my small, lonely apartment. As I sat on the bus, staring out the window, I felt sick. Everything from my anger at Trevor for talking to Jamie behind my back, to the situation with Ethan and his overly protective bullshit routine, and then ultimately the confrontation with my parents, all of it just made me nauseated. Most days I felt like I was just holding on and keeping my head above water, but this?

  By the time I made it home, the sun had gone down and my apartment was cold, dark and empty. Usually it didn’t bother me, but today I’d had enough. Still numb, I sat down and pulled my phone out of my pocket. One missed call, voice mail and several texts from Trevor came up on my screen. The last one was from an hour ago. For better or worse, I swiped my finger over the screen, then hit Send.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Trevor

  The pounding techno music in Solis, Midtown’s latest trendy club, echoed through my body. Sterling leaned close and yelled as he raised his glass in the air, “Here’s to another successful week for you, Pratt. May you actually contribute something to society instead of appearing on the front page of the society section.”

  I laughed and raised my glass in response. “Touché. But this time my face was there because of work.”

  “What is the work thing you speak of?”

  “Something you try at least once in your life.”