Can't Stop Loving You

by Miranda Liasson

  This. A baby.

  Her blood thrummed so loudly in her ears it drowned out all her thoughts. Her breath came jagged and fast. She tried to be calm as she left the bathroom and walked down a floor to the sophomore bathroom. It wasn’t really just for sophomores, but no self-respecting senior ever got caught dead there. She did what she could to make herself presentable, but dark circles rimmed her eyes and her skin tone was greenish gray. She wouldn’t have any trouble signing out sick.

  Somehow they let her drive herself home, but she went straight to the drugstore instead. And when she sat in her own bathroom at home and stared at the plus sign that appeared on the test stick, she knew The Shining was real. She was pregnant. Roman and she had made a baby. And soon the world was going to know.

  She knew something else, too. Her whole life was about to get ripped away from its foundations and spun around like that house that crushes the witch in The Wizard of Oz. Things would never be the same again.

  A knock sounded on the solid wooden door that her dad had painted pale pink when she was seven. Bella dropped the stick into the trash and covered it up with toilet paper. “Who is it?” she called.

  “It’s Aunt Fran. I’ve got something important for you.”

  Bella stood up, the queasiness returning. She wanted to cry, but tears wouldn’t come. They were stuck in her parched throat. She loved Aunt Fran, but for God’s sake, she wanted her mother. How would she ever get through this without her wise counsel? She cracked open the door. Aunt Fran was all smiles. She thrust a long white envelope through the door opening.

  “I know you’re not feeling well, but I thought you might want to see this. Plus I have some tea and toast for your stomach.”

  Oh, Aunt Fran. Shaking, Bella took the envelope. Tore it open and read it. Congratulations! It read. We welcome you to Loyola. She skimmed down the page. Full scholarship blurred before her eyes. Her dream come true.

  “So?” Fran said, one brow raised. “What’s the news? Shall I get your father?”

  “I—” Bella couldn’t tell the truth. Saying it out loud would break their hearts. And hers, too, because she knew beyond a doubt she would never set foot on that campus, never live in Chicago. She would have different responsibilities.

  She would be a mother, carting around a baby sling when everyone else would be dragging their backpacks across various campuses in the crisp fall air. A mother, to Roman’s baby. The shock was still overwhelming, but underneath it all, a tiny kernel of hope surfaced.

  Roman loved her, she knew it. Together, they would make a plan, and somehow, they would get through this. She inhaled deeply and faced her aunt. “They rejected me, Aunt Fran. I didn’t make it. I’m on the—um, the waiting list.”

  “Oh, honey. I felt so sure it would be great news. I’m sorry to have made you open that.”

  She hugged her aunt. “No, you did the right thing. I would’ve wanted to know, either way.”

  Then she begged off sick and spent the rest of the evening lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Ignoring Roman’s repeated calls. Somehow, while she dreaded telling him, the image she kept seeing in her mind was of her father’s face. His weathered, too-old-for-his-age face that always carried a tinge of sadness around the corners of his mouth and in his eyes. And she wondered how on earth she was ever going to stop from breaking his heart.

  Roman hadn’t exactly had the best first reaction to Bella’s news the next day when she’d found him practicing in the gym.

  He’d just shot a basket from the three-point line, and it had sailed through the net with a confident swoosh. He’d retrieved the ball and stood behind the line to do it again.

  “Roman, I need to talk with you,” Bella said, standing just off the court. Her voice sounded a little tight, a little urgent.

  She never came to practice or met him in the gym, so her being there, right on the court, was unusual.

  “It’s important,” she said.

  “Okay, sure,” he said, gearing up for another shot. “Can it wait another ten minutes? Coach wanted me to do a few more layups before I leave.”

  She walked up to him. “I have to tell you something. And I’m sorry if it interrupts your basketball practice, but I’ve been waiting an extra hour for you to be done already and I’ve got to get home.” He shot the ball and looked at her. Her face was pale. She wasn’t laughing or joking. “I’m pregnant,” she blurted.

  He was vaguely aware of the ball bouncing away, hitting the gym floor and rolling, rolling out of bounds, off the court, somewhere far, far away.

  “What?” he said. It was suddenly hard to suck in air, and his legs felt a little shaky. “Are you sure?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. I went to the doctor. It happened the first time. You know, the condom problem.”

  “Wow. I mean . . . wow. That’s . . . that’s some news, Bella.”

  “Yeah, some news,” she said. He’d recovered enough from the shock to notice that her voice had sounded strained. She was biting on her lip. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her chest. And he realized she was waiting. Waiting for his reaction. And for her sake, he’d better not blow it.

  “What are we going to do?” she asked, her voice cracking. “I mean, I’m having the baby. That’s not a question. It’s just . . . I wondered what your thoughts were.”

  Thoughts? Fear, terror, worry—all tore through him like thunderbolts. But so did . . . awe. Amazement. The feeling that Bella was the most important person in his life and that he loved her, and that somehow they could face this together. He reached out and gripped her snugly by the arms. Looked straight into her eyes. “My thoughts are, I’m going to be a father. And you’re going to be a mother. So marry me and we’ll make it a family.”

  She still felt as rigid as an icicle. And just as cold. “How do I know you’re not saying that because you feel you have to?”

  “Because I love you. Because I want you every second of the day, and I can’t imagine spending my life without you. This might be unexpected, but it’s not anything I haven’t dreamed about. It just happened a little sooner than either of us planned.”

  Her forehead was still puckered in worry, her skin blanched pale. She let out a suppressed breath. “This is going to cause a lot of trouble, you know that, don’t you?”

  “Come here.” He pulled her fully into his arms, kissing her forehead, finally feeling her relax a little against him. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

  “Hey, Spikonos,” Ethan said, “back to practice. No distractions, okay? We want to win districts, and that takes a lot of focus.”

  Focus. In light of this new development, that might be harder to do than he’d thought.

  It was early June, and Bella was five months pregnant. Roman had driven them through town for ice cream and then up to the scenic lookout to watch the sun set. “So I think I’m going to join the army. It’s good pay,” Roman said. His plan was all laid out, and he was pleased it had come together so well. “I’ll have basic training done by the end of summer, and the baby’s not due until September. I can take out a loan and we could get GI housing wherever I’m stationed. What do you think?”

  It was a beautiful evening, the sweet scent of green things in the air, the trees bursting with fresh leaves. Despite all the chaos of the past few months, things were settling down a little. He hoped the beautiful evening would have a calming effect on Bella. He worried about all the stress she was under at home.

  “What if they ship you overseas?” She put a hand to her stomach. She looked a little worried, as if she didn’t like the thought of him going somewhere scary.

  “No matter what happens, we’ll have guaranteed housing. You and the baby would be taken care of. I think if you can work another year, we can save up for you to start taking college classes. We can make this work.”

  He’d done a lot of thinking, and planning. And to be honest, his mother had given him unflagging support, even when he’d given up his basketb
all scholarship for the army. He felt bad about that, but he was determined not to have her pay for his college. He would make her proud in other ways. She’d never given him the sense that their situation was hopeless. She understood what they were up against, but she believed they could make it.

  She’d asked him if he wanted to marry Bella, and he’d told her honestly that he couldn’t imagine not marrying her. He loved her. Their situation may not be ideal, but it was temporary, and he was going to do everything in his power to get them past this.

  In front of Bella, he tried to have unflagging optimism, because she was going through hell at home, with her father acting sullen and barely speaking to her. Pregnancy wasn’t tolerated at Our Lady of the Lake, so Bella had had to leave school. Graduation had come and gone, and he’d felt awful about her missing it. He’d decided not to go, either, and his mom had supported him.

  His mother had helped Bella to get a job as a receptionist in a psychology practice in Crooked Creek, so she’d been working full time on top of all her home responsibilities. Frankly, he couldn’t wait to get her out of this place and start a life on their own.

  He smiled and grabbed her hand, which had gone cold from holding the cup of ice cream. He kissed her knuckles, one by one. “I love you, Bella,” he said, and was pleased when she cracked a little smile. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this. Do you believe me?”

  She sighed. “Okay, fine, I believe you.”

  He ducked his head until it was at her stomach level. “And what do you think, little one?” he crooned to the baby. “How would you like to have a little house with a room all your own? We love you, honey bunches.” He kissed Bella’s stomach. She had a sizeable bump now, and she hated that her belly button was starting to stick out, something he constantly teased her about. He put a hand over the baby, and she closed her eyes and placed her hand over his. He hoped his touch had a calming effect on her, too.

  “I love you, Roman,” she whispered. Her eyes were filled with a myriad of feelings. Mostly wariness and caution, because of the stress of the last couple of months. But he hoped trust, too. “You make me feel like we’re going to be okay.”

  “We’re going to be more than okay. We’re going to be a family.”

  “When’s your aunt getting here?” he asked. Her Aunt Francesca was coming to stay for the summer after her school let out. He couldn’t wait, because he felt Bella was doing too much, under too much strain.

  “Next week. But don’t worry. My dad’s been doing more with Joey lately.” She got quiet, and he knew exactly what she was thinking. This was confirmed when she spoke. “I’m worried about Joey. I mean, I’ve been just like his mother for the past couple of years. I’m not sure how I can leave him.”

  “Bella, you’re his sister, not his mother. He’ll have Fran and your dad. You deserve to lead your own life, too.” Her lips pursed tight. He knew how much she loved Joey, and how the decision to leave was weighing on her. “Okay, I think we’ve had enough heavy discussion for tonight,” he said, wanting to keep the mood light. “Want to take a little stroll?”

  She smiled. Reached over and soothed his brow. “I’m sorry, Roman. I know you’ve been working extra hours and you have a lot on your mind, too.”

  He helped her out of the car and they started along a wide walking path that twined around the lake. It was about an hour before dusk, and joggers and bikers were enjoying the fine spring evening.

  Suddenly, she gave a little cry, clutching his hand with a vise grip. She stopped in the middle of the walking path, doubling over and falling to her knees.

  He dropped to the ground beside her. “Bella, what is it?” His voice sounded high pitched, with an edge of panic. Exactly how he didn’t want to sound.

  “Something’s wrong,” she said, clutching her abdomen and looking at him. He hated what he saw in her face. Terror. Panic. Helplessness tore through him. Without thinking, he picked her up and carried her back to the car, murmuring quietly that she was going to be all right, that everything was going to be okay, even though he had no clue what the fuck was happening. He just wanted to keep her—and himself—calm.

  Tears fell from her eyes and landed on his arm. “The baby,” she whispered. “Something’s wrong, Roman.”

  “Don’t cry, sweetheart,” Roman said. An insidious sense of dread wrapped its tendrils around his heart. Please, God, no more disasters. Let the baby be all right.

  “Hurry, Roman,” she whispered as he started the car and made the ten-minute drive to the community hospital.

  Couldn’t something go in a positive direction for them for once? It seemed that the last few months had been misery piled on misery. Too many strikes against them.

  After the struggles of leaving school and missing graduation, of her angry and disappointed father, of all the uncertainty, this baby was the one thing that made sense. The one thing that might make everything okay again.

  A beautiful, healthy baby that would fill everyone’s hearts with love and push out all the other bad stuff. So they were young. So they were against some odds. But they had a plan. A good plan. It would get both of them away from Mirror Lake where they would start fresh, begin their own life together, and become a family.

  He could take it, he could bear it all, if only their baby was okay.

  “I want to see her,” Roman said to the nurse who had entered the waiting room from the adjacent surgical suite. He got in her face. “So help me God, if you don’t let me back there, I’ll—”

  “I’m sorry, sir,” the nurse said, blocking the doorway with her body. “I’m afraid I can’t let anyone back until the doctor gives permission. I came out to let you know she’s doing just fine.”

  Roman couldn’t process the words. He was only vaguely aware of his behavior. All he knew was that he needed to be with Bella. The doctors had done an ultrasound, and that had confirmed the worst, that Bella was having a miscarriage at twenty weeks. The baby had been too young to survive. Bella was taken to surgery, leaving Roman to pace the waiting room with her father and sister and her best friends. Fortunately, his mother had shown up, too, and she was a godsend, bringing everyone coffee, being the voice of reason, keeping Vito in line.

  He felt the slight but firm weight of his mother’s hand now on his arm. “Come sit down, son,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll be allowed back soon.” He found himself being steered to a chair where he somehow managed to sit, his mind and body numb.

  Finally, a doctor came out, a woman with a kindly smile. “Bella’s asking for Roman,” she said.

  Vito turned on Roman, who had immediately risen from his seat. “I don’t want you seeing her anymore,” he said.

  Months of frustration came to a head. “You just try and stop me,” Roman said, walking over to stand in front of the doctor.

  “Oh, for God’s sake, Vito,” Marjorie said. “This is traumatic enough for everybody as it is.”

  The doctor smiled again. “To keep Bella calm right now is our priority. So if it’s okay with everyone, I’m going to allow Roman back to see her.”

  Roman walked through the door without a second glance in Vito’s direction.

  The nurse led Roman to the surgical recovery room, a large, cool room with three or four patients lying on gurneys, IV bags dripping, nurses busily recording things on charts or walking back and forth tending to business. He spotted Bella immediately, small and so young looking with her hair pulled up in a surgical hat.

  “She’s still a little groggy,” the nurse said. “But she’ll open her eyes if you call her name.”

  He looked at the nurse, an older woman with gray hair. “The baby . . .”

  The nurse put a kindly hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, dear. She wasn’t far enough along for the baby to make it. But she’s doing great, and she’s been asking for you.”

  Roman steeled his face, even though his guts felt ripped out. Bella was okay, that was the important thing, and he would be strong for her i
f it killed him. He went and stood by the gurney. As always, he marveled at her long lashes, thick and black against her skin, which looked chalk-pale now.

  So much had happened since the cabin at Christmas, and he felt responsible for it all. Being involved with him had ruined her high school career, her scholarship, her ticket out of town. He swore to himself he’d do anything to make it up to her. He loved her with all his heart, and he’d never felt so protective of anyone, so determined to make things right.

  He quietly called her name. Her lids flickered and she opened her eyes. At first her expression was blank. As if she were interrupted out of a pleasant dream. But then her eyes came into focus, and he saw the moment the curtain of sleep lifted and reality dawned.

  Her eyes got misty with tears. “Oh, Roman,” she said.

  He reached over the metal bed railing and gripped her hand, stroked her hair. “It’s okay, Bella. You’re going to be fine.”

  “The baby . . .”

  He rubbed her back. “Shh, it’s okay.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Seeing her tears well up and roll down her cheeks killed him.

  “The doctor says these things just happen sometimes. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

  She gripped his hand too tightly. “I wanted the baby, Roman. Despite everything.” She started to cry again, and he had no idea how to make her stop.

  “It was a girl,” she whispered. “They told me.”

  Oh Jesus. Guilt and grief tore through him. And a ferocious anger. At Vito, for making like this was the end of the world. At how she’d suffered, most of all at the hands of her own family. And at himself. In that moment, he vowed never to feel so helpless again.

  Bella awakened in her bedroom the next morning to bright, beautiful sunshine. In her haze of half sleep, she wondered, Why am I not at work? She was about to bolt upright, when she heard what had woken her up—the sound of arguing. Two voices, passionate and angry.