“I’m having a bugger of a day, so I really don’t need you lecturing me right now, okay?”
“Can I do anything to help?” asked Muse tentatively after a few moments.
“Only if you can locate my father,” replied Eleanor flatly. Feeling oddly deflated after her outburst, Eleanor decided that she wasn’t angry with the cat any longer and proceeded to fill Muse in on the morning’s events.
“And to top it off, my foot is throbbing like mad,” she finished morosely.
“Oh dear. Well, I could have a wander around, see if I can sniff your father out.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, cats have rather a good sense of smell, dear, and I’ve smelled your father enough times to be able to recognize the scent again. Humans usually have a very distinctive smell, and each person is subtly different.”
Eleanor had a sudden desire to sniff herself, hoping that she smelled of nothing more than Giorgio Wings.
“Could you really recognize him that way? And find him?”
“I could certainly try,” said Muse briskly.
“I don’t know,” said Eleanor. “I know we’ve been a little at odds with each other over the last few days, but I’d hate it if anything happened to you. You’re not used to the streets around here, and the town center is definitely not the place for a cat to be wandering around in.”
“I’ll be perfectly fine, Ella. I can look after myself. I’m not an ordinary cat, you know,” said Muse, winking reassuringly.
“No, ordinary is definitely not the word I’d use to describe you,” agreed Eleanor. “Still, you’ll be careful, won’t you?”
“Of course I will. If your father is still in Cardiff, I’ll find him, don’t you worry. Now, if you could perhaps fill my bowl for me? I should have a decent meal before I leave, just in case I’m away for a couple of days.”
“A couple of days?” spluttered Eleanor.
“Of course. Cardiff isn’t a small area, Ella. It may take a while to find your father. I have every confidence that it won’t take that long though. I can have him found by tomorrow, I would think. I can find drinking water almost anywhere, but as I have never been partial to mice and the like,” she shuddered delicately, “then I really should have something decent to eat before I leave.”
Eleanor filled Muse’s bowl and offered a dish of milk instead of the usual water. Muse ate her fill and lapped at the milk for several minutes, then stretched out and shook her head.
“Do you have a map?” asked the cat.
Eleanor thought for a moment, and then smiled brightly. She gestured for the cat to follow her upstairs.
“I don’t have a map as such,” said Eleanor as she limped over to her bed. She got down on bended knees and retrieved her laptop from under the bed. “But I do have the internet.”
For the next half an hour, Eleanor and Muse pored over various street maps of Cardiff. Eleanor pointed out the areas that she had already checked, and showed the cat where her father lived.
“I’ll keep phoning Dad’s house every half hour or so,” said Eleanor, “But I’d suggest that you go there first in any case. It could be that he’s returned by now.”
Of course, it was unlikely that this was the case, because Christie would probably keep Teddy out for as long as possible. The longer she had him in her clutches, the better chance she had of persuading him to part with more money.
“The one place that they won’t turn up is here,” continued Eleanor. “I’ll take my mobile with me so that I can keep phoning Dad, but I’m going to Jake’s place. He and Danny will definitely want to help, and their flat is nearer the town center, so I’ll be better off waiting there. I have a feeling that Christie is hiding in town somewhere, so the closer I am, the better.”
Muse nodded throughout Eleanor’s rambling and paid attention to the laptop screen.
“I’m ready to go now,” said the cat. “My meal’s nicely settled, I’ve got a rough idea of the layout of the city, and you’ve given me a starting point.”
Eleanor, not quite believing that her cat was about to play detective, retrieved the pet carrier from under the stairs and phoned for a taxi.
“I’ll drop you off at Dad’s place, and save you the walk.”
• • •
Eleanor got the taxi driver to wait while she opened the side entrance to her father’s back garden. She let Muse out of the carrier, and told her to be careful one last time before returning to the cab outside.
“Where to now, love?”
“Cathedral Road, number twenty-seven, please.”
Eleanor glanced at her watch. Thank goodness Jake and Danny would be home by now; it was well after six. Thinking about work made her think of Max, and she jumped.
“Crap!”
“Excuse me?” said the driver, who Eleanor belatedly noticed was an impeccably dressed male in his fifties. Oops, definitely not the type of person who condoned bad language, she suspected.
“Sorry, I just realized that I forgot something. It doesn’t matter.”
The driver shrugged and continued to make his way towards their destination. Meanwhile, Eleanor was reciting every curse word in her vocabulary as she berated herself for forgetting all about her date with Max. After two postponed smooch sessions already, she wasn’t sure if Max would still be interested after adding the insult of a missed date to their brief romantic history. She couldn’t even phone him because she didn’t have his mobile number. Cardiff Mode would be no use, seeing as all of the staff would have left for the day by now. She didn’t even know where Max lived.
When she arrived at Jake’s house, she was muttering under her breath and frowning darkly. She tipped the taxi driver well over the usual amount to make amends for her lapse into profanity, and was well on the way to Majorly-Pissed-Off-Land.
“ELLA!” cried Danny as he opened the door. He was wearing a novelty apron with inflatable boobs and a pair of pink frilly rubber gloves. Publicly, both Danny and Jake didn’t like to conform to the stereotypical image of what a gay man of the twenty-first century should look like, but in private both men liked to make fun of themselves.
“Nice apron,” drawled Eleanor.
“Thank you, sweetie. Ann Summers had a special on last month. Now, come in, and tell me why you look like you’ve swallowed a dozen lemons.”
Eleanor allowed herself to be kissed on both cheeks as she entered the house, closing the door behind her and leaning against it heavily.
“Do you want the short version or the long version?” she asked.
“Um, short?”
“Currently my life sucks.”
“Right,” said Danny. “Perhaps I’d better have the long version after all.”
“Is Jake back? I need both of you right now.”
“He’s hyperventilating in the bathroom. Actually, I’m glad you’re here because I haven’t been able to persuade him to come out of there for the last three hours.”
Danny made Eleanor sit down on one of the black squishy leather sofas that adorned the living room, and went upstairs to tell his boyfriend that he was needed. Eleanor heard her friends’ muffled voices and tapped her fingers impatiently on the arm of the sofa. Several minutes later, Danny appeared — sporting a rather a wet apron — with a disgruntled-looking Jake a few footsteps behind.
“I’m not talking to you,” growled her immediate boss.
“I don’t know what happened yesterday, Jake, but I really do have a serious problem here, so can you forgive me for whatever it is I am supposed to have done? I swear you can go back to not speaking to me tomorrow.”
Jake pouted, in that way that only gay men can, and sat down. Eleanor took this to mean that he agreed, and if he didn’t, well, tough.
“Christie has kidnapped my dad for whatever nefariou
s reason she has, my cat is trawling the town center and could be run over by one of Cardiff’s insane taxi drivers at any given second, I think I’ve split the stitches on my foot, and I’ve accidentally stood up Max Charming.”
Danny removed his rubber gloves, perhaps realizing that the dishes would have to wait, and sat down next to Jake.
“I really need you guys at the moment,” said Eleanor beseechingly.
“Okay, I’ll forget that I’m not speaking to you for the moment,” conceded Jake.
“Thank you!”
“Even though I spent the all of yesterday, and most of today in spider-infested cupboards,” he added darkly.
“Jake!”
“All right, all right!”
“I don’t know what to do! Christie wants money, and I don’t know how far she will go to get it. I mean, you know what my dad’s like; he’d fall for any old sob-story.”
“First things first, Danny, get some warm water and the first aid kit. You can look at Ella’s foot while we discuss what we need to do about the other stuff.”
“Why does it have to be me that looks at Ella’s foot?” protested Danny, though he got up and did what he was asked.
“Ella,” said Jake quietly. “Despite the fact that I’m currently not talking to you, you’re still one of my favorite people in the world. You know that, right? But I don’t do feet. Sorry.”
“That’s all right,” said Eleanor. “I completely understand.”
“Now, the way I see it, you have four problems. Danny’s going to take care of one of them, and another is out of our hands.”
“You mean standing Max up?” asked Eleanor.
“No, I mean the cat, idiot. I have no control over felines, and have no wish to have control over them. Besides, your cat gives me the creeps.”
“Oh.”
Danny returned, began tending Eleanor’s foot, and offered a quick “I agree” at Jake’s words.
“I don’t see how we can do anything about the Max problem, either,” said Jake. “At least, not until tomorrow at any rate.”
“Okay,” sighed Eleanor. “I suppose you’re right.”
“When tomorrow comes, you can speak to him and explain what happened. And in the spirit of helping out a friend, you can put in a good word for me, too. And maybe find out why he’s after me.”
Eleanor rolled her eyes, while Danny swatted Jake playfully.
“Now, the Christie problem we can help with,” said Jake happily.
“You can?”
“Yes, definitely. I have friends all over the city, you know that. Especially in the media. It’s just a question of speaking to the right person. If she’s gone on leave, the TV studio will know. They’ll need a replacement for her for the weather reports. She’ll have to have told someone where she was going. All studio contracts these days require contact details for when you take leave.”
“Will they give that sort of information out?” asked Eleanor doubtfully.
“As I say, it’s only a question of knowing the right person,” winked Jake. “Give me half an hour.”
• • •
Jake was as good as his word, because a little over thirty minutes later, he had news. The trouble was, it didn’t look good. Eleanor was just starting to feel a little better now that Danny had re-bandaged her foot, but as soon as she saw Jake’s face she knew something bad had happened.
“What is it? Is my dad okay?”
“Your dad’s fine,” said Jake quickly, noticing Eleanor’s pale face. “At least, he’s not hurt or anything. He’s, well, he’s … ”
“For Christ’s sake, Jake, spit it out!”
“ChristiestakenhimtoGretnaGreen,” he rushed out.
“What?”
“Say that again!”
Jake looked from Danny to Eleanor, and back again.
“I said Christie’s taken him to Gretna Green.”
“But, but … but … ”
“Eleanor, take a breath.”
Eleanor opened and closed her mouth a few times, spluttering several more ‘buts’ out as she did so. She shook her head, silently asking for more information.
“She’s been planning to remarry your dad for the last few months. At least, that’s what Geraldine said.”
“Who’s Geraldine?” asked Eleanor, confused.
“She’s the friend of my friend’s cousin’s friend, I think,” said Jake. “Though it could be the friend of my cousin’s friend’s cousin. Something like that. It’s a bit confusing, actually.”
Eleanor and Danny now looked even more puzzled.
“Look, it doesn’t matter how I know, but this Geraldine, whoever’s cousin she is, is Christie’s make-up woman.”
“I don’t envy her,” said Danny, shuddering. “I bet she needs at least three hours to make that woman look human.”
“Thank you, Danny,” said Jake, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, she does Christie’s make-up, and therefore is privy to all sorts of gossip. She said that Christie had been making a lot of phone calls to her solicitor in the last couple of months. All very hush-hush, but Geraldine managed to hear a few of the conversations, especially the ones when Christie lost her temper.”
“I can believe that. People in Australia could probably hear Christie when she’s in a rage,” said Eleanor.
“Anyway, the grapevine says that Christie was getting more and more agitated in the last two weeks, and the phone calls happened more often, and were more, um, vocal.”
“Bloody hell,” said Eleanor. “I knew she was up to something! I just knew it!”
“Let’s not start to panic,” said Jake calmly. “It’s not over until the fat lady sings, and all that.”
“We don’t know any fat women,” said Danny.
“You know what I mean,” snapped Jake.
“Ooh, yes,” drawled Danny, “I can see you’re very calm.”
Jake glared at his partner pointedly and Danny quickly went quiet.
“I don’t see how anyone can be calm!” cried Eleanor. “My dad’s about to marry the frigging Wicked Witch of the West! Again!”
“Teddy’s a sensible feller,” said Jake reasonably. “I mean, he won’t make the same mistake twice now, will he?”
Eleanor raised an eyebrow.
“I’m sure he’s learned his lesson,” added Danny.
Eleanor raised her other eyebrow.
“He wouldn’t be so silly as to fall in with her plans, Ella,” said Jake.
Eleanor, who had run out of eyebrows to raise, put her hands on her hips and tilted her head.
“She’s right,” said Danny. “Teddy’s a lovely man, but that’s his problem. He’s too bloody nice for his own good. Agatha will have sweet-talked him before they reach Swansea. By the time they hit Gretna Green, he’ll be baited, hooked and caught.”
“Okay, maybe you’re right,” said Jake grudgingly. “But the point is, the wedding’s not booked until ten o’clock tomorrow morning. It’s what, ten, maybe twelve hours to Gretna? If we leave right away, we can get there and stop it from going ahead.”
Fifteen minutes later, Eleanor was bundled into the back of Jake’s car, along with a hastily packed picnic hamper that Danny had thrown together in five minutes flat, while Jake jumped into the driver’s seat and threw a map at Danny.
“You’re navigating,” he said shortly. “And for God’s sake, Danny, make sure you read the map properly or we’ll end up in Inverness or something.”
They were nearing Cardiff Bay when Eleanor screamed loud enough to make Danny squeal, and Jake brake far too quickly.
“What the hell?”
“It’s Muse! Look, she’s just turned into the side street. Danny, quick! Go get her!”
“Sweetie, you know how I
’ve sworn never to handle a pussy.”
“Danny!”
“All right, all right! Jeez, just trying to lighten the atmosphere.”
“Just get my cat, or I’ll force feed you the gherkins,” warned Eleanor.
Danny got out of the car while Jake looked at Eleanor with something close to horror.
“He packed gherkins?”
“Yup,” said Eleanor, peering into the basket. “He also packed three tubs of pâté, a French baguette, a few apples and bananas, two bottles of wine, six bottles of water, a fruitcake, and … oh, three Toblerones.”
Jake looked like he wasn’t sure whether he should laugh or not. He settled for shrugging his shoulders.
“Well, he was a bit rushed,” conceded Eleanor.
“Meeeooowww!”
“Muse!” cried Eleanor happily, as a disgruntled-looking Danny shoved the cat in her face. “I’m so glad I saw you!”
Danny muttered something about crazy cats as he got back into the car and picked up the map again. Jake patted his knee in sympathy and started the engine.
“Where are The Ugly Sisters taking us?” asked Muse loudly.
The car stopped about three seconds after it had started.
“Fuck me!” said Jake. “The cat can talk!”
“Now I know where you get your bad language habits from,” remarked Muse.
Chapter Eleven
It was a full ten minutes before Jake overcome his shock enough to be able to drive again. Fortunately Danny wasn’t at the wheel, because he was taking considerably longer to adjust to the fact that Eleanor had a talking cat.
“I told you I wasn’t nuts,” said Eleanor for perhaps the fifth time in as many minutes.
“But how is it even possible?” squeaked Danny, who had opened a bottle of wine and was taking large gulps in between talking. Thankfully, he’d had the foresight to pack screw-topped wine bottles.
“How the hell should I know,” shrugged Eleanor. “I’ve given up trying to work that out. I just go with the flow.”
“Where are we going, anyway?” asked Muse.
Danny looked at Eleanor.
If the Shoe Fits Page 14