‘Only quite?’
‘Well, when I say quite nice what I mean is —’
‘I’d been waiting for you to ask me out,’ Sophie said, interrupting him, ‘but you didn’t seem to notice me.’
Sophie moved closer to him; her dressing gown was hanging open. As he looked up Daniel could see through the loose buttons of her pyjama top. Did she know? It would be so easy to slip my hand in, he thought, idly wondering what she’d do. He wanted to move their relationship on; he wanted them to become more committed to each other, but was Sophie ready for such a step? And, come to that, was he ready?
Sophie was feeling incredibly relaxed. Warmed by the sun, she felt all her inhibitions slipping away. She could see Daniel looking at her and could almost feel his eyes on her skin. If I move and lean over a bit more — it would be so easy, but is that what I really want?
Daniel took a deep breath. This isn’t the way, he told himself. You’re on the way but don’t rush it.
‘I only came round to remind you that you are coming round to mine for lunch,’ he said, moving his head and looking into her eyes.
He stood up and gave her a hug.
‘I hadn’t forgotten,’ she said. ‘That’s why I’m taking it easy. I don’t have to worry about making lunch.’
‘I’ll be off, then,’ Daniel said. ‘You can come on when you’re ready. Mum’s made some sort of salad thing, I think, so we can eat when you’re ready. It’s a great day so I thought we’d walk over and see Jed after lunch.’
Chapter 19
After lunch Sophie and Daniel left his house and set off intending to walk to the next village where they had arranged to meet up with Jed. It was hot and after half an hour they moved out of the sun, walking into the cool shade of the woods that fringed the road, and sat down against a tree, grateful for the bottle of water that Sophie had brought.
The road was little used. It was cool and quiet beneath the trees where even the birds were taking a siesta.
Daniel was acutely aware of Sophie. He could sense the turmoil in her head and knew that she wanted to tell him something. ‘Wait,’ the voice in his head was clear, ‘give her time. It’s important that she trusts you. She has to do this in her own time and you can’t help her. Not yet.’
‘I really love you, Daniel,’ Sophie said, ‘and I want us to do things but I’m scared.’
‘There’s no hurry. It’ll take time for you to trust me.’
‘But I do.’
‘You’ll know when the time is right.’
‘What if I don’t?’
‘Believe me, you will. We both will. You won’t be able to resist my charms for ever!’
‘I’ve done pretty well so far.’
‘But you’re weakening.’
‘Never!’
Daniel put his arm round Sophie.
‘You’ve taken the first step today,’ he said, so quietly that she could only just hear him. ‘You’ve admitted that you fancy me, something that you’ve probably never put into words before. That’s a huge leap forward.’
‘How did you become so wise?’
‘I’m not wise. I’m just a young man trying to seduce you!’
‘I think I might like that. You’d better keep trying!’
This was the moment he had dreamt about. At long last it seemed as if they were going to move their relationship to the next level. He felt excitement rising within him and it took all his effort to control himself. ‘Not yet,’ the voice said.
There was something different about the afternoon. Sophie couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but she felt different. Perhaps it was because Daniel had come round early that morning and had caught her unawares, still in her pyjamas. No, that wasn’t it. Her feelings were nothing to do with Daniel, they were deeper inside her. She felt she needed to explain how she felt, she didn’t want him to think that she didn’t care about him, but … did she have the nerve to go through with this? She wasn’t sure.
‘It’s not that I don’t want to …’ Sophie’s cheeks were burning with embarrassment, ‘but ... well, you know.’
Daniel saw her discomfort and sensed that there was more to what she’d said than the mere words conveyed. He knew he had to respond.
‘There’s no hurry. We’ve all our lives ahead of us.’
‘When I was little,’ Sophie began tentatively, ‘we lived in the north. That’s where my mother died. She was killed, and I still have memories of that time. Disturbing memories.’
‘You don’t have to tell me,’ Daniel said, ‘not if you don’t want to.’
He waited. Sophie seemed to have closed herself off from him but then she snuggled closer to him. He wondered if she could feel the thump of his heart beating. He felt that something momentous was going to happen and it was all he could do to sit still and wait.
‘I’ll tell you about it,’ she said quietly.
‘Only if you’re sure,’ Daniel said.
‘It was a long time ago,’ Sophie began, ‘but it still seems as if it was yesterday.’
And Sophie began to talk, unburdening herself of the dark secrets that had haunted her for so long, things she had never put into words, let alone shared with any other person.
When she had finished they sat quietly, each busy with their own thoughts. Daniel was at a loss for words and Sophie thought she was going to die of embarrassment and guilt. The moment lengthened.
‘I love you,’ Daniel whispered to the top of Sophie’s head.
She looked up, tears in her eyes.
‘Still? After everything I’ve told you?’
‘More than ever. You’ve trusted me with the secret that’s been hurting you for so long and I know that you’ll begin to feel better about it now. And the time will come when we both know we’re ready to move on and, well, you know!’
Daniel sensed that it was time to move on. Literally. He stood up.
‘Let’s walk,’ he said holding out his hand. ‘Let’s enjoy the sunshine.’
They moved out of the shade into the sun and walked for a while, holding hands, becoming used to the new understanding between them. As they turned a bend in the path Jed came towards them and Daniel knew that their time alone was over for that day.
Much later, back at home, Sophie was in such good spirits that her father noticed.
‘What’ve you been up to today? You look like a cat that’s got the cream.’
‘I was out this afternoon,’ she said, ‘with Daniel and Jed and we went for a walk. It was a lovely afternoon, that’s all,’ she added, hoping her white lie was good enough.
‘Let’s hope your good spirits stay with you next week when you get your exam results!’
‘I’ve got one more week to dream,’ she said.
Life moves on. There is a coiled spring, a life force within each of us that drives us on and Sophie was beginning to find it impossible to deny its existence. She needed to get on with her life, to become an adult. She had faced up to her past, shared her secrets, and Daniel had understood.
That night, lying in the darkness of her bedroom, turning her thoughts first this way and then that, she reached a decision. She didn’t make it lightly or easily but, having made it, she suddenly felt alive in a way that she had never felt before. Turning in her bed, she wondered when sleep would come. As ever, it crept up on her and she was soundly asleep within minutes.
Daniel also passed a thoughtful evening, turning over what Sophie had confided in him. Scimitar was in his thoughts again. Why was it that at each important moment in his life Scimitar suddenly came into his thinking? As the minutes ticked by Daniel became convinced that Scimitar was just a figment of his imagination and, in reality, was most likely the voice of his conscience. For some reason that he didn’t understand, he was reluctant to put his theory to the test and so the matter remained unresolved. Not knowing for certain seemed to be the best option. And yet … why was there always a yet … what if Scimitar really did exist?
And Sophie, why
did she have this effect upon him?
Scimitar had been instrumental in bringing them together and if Scimitar had not told him of their destiny, Daniel would never have started talking to Sophie. And again, when Daniel was having second thoughts about seeing Sophie outside of school, it was Scimitar who had encouraged him to go out with her. Surely this was beyond the mere workings of his conscience? The events of the afternoon were running through Daniel’s brain as he tried to go to sleep.
When he awoke the next morning his first thoughts were of Sophie and he wondered how she was feeling. Would she regret what she had told him yesterday? Would she be prepared to see him again and would they still be friends? So many questions troubled his thoughts. He made his excuses after breakfast and started off across the green towards the road where Sophie lived.
Sophie woke up late but refreshed. For a while she lay in bed, the thoughts of the previous evening still coursing through her mind. She felt confident, no longer frightened but ready to take her place in the world. If only she’d had the courage before, how different her life might have been.
Even as the thought came into her head, she knew that it would not have changed anything. There was something special about Daniel, a quality that she couldn’t quite describe. She felt as if he was destined to be her confidant, the only person in the world that she could talk to without fear or doubt, but was this love or was it just a schoolgirl infatuation?
It was another glorious day, the sort of day that August throws up making the world suddenly seem a good place, but when Daniel opened the gate at Sophie’s house he felt more nervous than he had been when he first set out to meet her all those months ago at the village hall. Perhaps she would be out and he’d have to wait to see her until later that evening, or perhaps she had relapsed and would be too shy to speak to him, embarrassed by what she had told him yesterday. Why hadn’t he texted her to make sure she was home and wanted to see him?
He was trying to decide whether to go round to the back of the house or to ring the front door bell when Sophie opened the door. Her smile went some way to reassuring him that all was well. She was wearing a pale green shirt which complemented the burnished colour of her hair. She looked radiant and he felt his heart leap.
‘Hey,’ she said. ‘Come in.’
At least she’s still talking to me, Daniel thought, and she doesn’t seem too depressed. Sophie closed the door and flung her arms round Daniel and they hugged. They had taken to greeting each other like this when they were alone although in company they were much more restrained, even to the point of being distant. Jed had often chided Daniel for not being more romantic.
‘I mean,’ he said to Daniel on one occasion, ‘if you’re going out with her you could give her a bit more of a clue as to what you’re after.’
‘Not every one’s like you,’ Daniel had replied, ‘sex starved and lecherous.’
Sophie was hugging him tightly and he could feel her, firm against his chest. He still found it difficult to balance his attraction to her with his respect for her, all the more since now he knew that she fancied him.
‘I was thinking about you last night,’ Sophie said.
‘And I was thinking about you,’ Daniel replied, ‘like I do every night before I go to sleep.’
He was feeling strange. Nervous. Troubled in his thinking. But the knowledge that Sophie loved him completely and without reservation was there, in his head, in his heart.
‘I wondered if you’d come today,’ she said. ‘You know, after what I told you yesterday.’
Daniel was struggling. He could sense Sophie opening herself to him. He could feel the pain she had suffered and the strength with which she had carried her burden. He could feel her relief at having shared it with him and he could feel the depth of her desire for him. For one brief moment he wondered if Scimitar was with him, with them both. Was he helping them?
And then, as suddenly as the feelings had come over him, they were gone and he knew he was alone. With Sophie. Scimitar, he realised, had been with him and now Scimitar had gone.
Sophie took his hand, almost shyly and they moved out of the hall towards the stairs.
Chapter 20
Despite his good intentions Jack found himself struggling. His teaching life was a success but his private life was a mess. He enjoyed the occasions when he was invited to lecture or to take part in a seminar at a different university. Away from his home patch he felt liberated and was only too happy to take advantage of quiet evenings with other lecturers after the intellectual challenges of the day. More often than not he would retreat to his hotel room with one of the more attractive lecturers for a night of strenuous sex.
Standing in the shower one morning, he was reliving the primitive thrills of the previous evening. It had been an inventive time that they had spent together but, on reflection, he was relieved that he wouldn’t see her again. He knew he was living on the edge of danger but the thrill of conquest still brought him deep satisfaction. Try as he might to sublimate these feelings through burying himself in his work, they were still there, lurking below the surface of his life, waiting to ambush him and to escape.
Here, in this life, he was known as Dr Jonathan. Jack was a different person, no one called him Jack here. He liked to think of Jack as someone he had known in the past but, no matter how much this conceit appealed to him, Dr Jonathan was only too aware that Jack had not gone away and remained far too close for comfort.
There were still times when he found it hard to sleep, when the past seemed to come alive and haunt him. He regretted many of the things he had done and in the long dark hours of the night he would resolve to turn over a new leaf, to try to put right the mistakes of his past, to atone for them. Sleep often came while he was drifting in this euphoric state but when he awoke refreshed the following morning the old pattern of his existence would be there and he would dismiss the good intentions of the previous night as nocturnal hallucinations.
Dr Jonathan was acutely aware that he was two people; one was the public figure that everyone knew and respected, intellectually clever, someone to take seriously in any historical discussion. But the other was an altogether darker, less well-defined and dangerous character, inclined to be unpredictable. The one he could control but the other owned him, always lurking in the background, waiting to catch him out. So long as he occasionally satisfied this other self, Dr Jonathan managed to keep the two apart.
After one particularly harrowing night he decided to suppress this other side of himself. Jack is ruining your life, he told himself, staring in the mirror as he shaved. Look at you. You have bags under your eyes and you look as if you’ve been up all night. You’re Dr Jonathan. Start behaving like him. Be the person you want to be and banish the ghosts of your past.
He made an effort. He kept his eyes down as he walked the corridors to his room at the university, he avoided eye contact with the young women in his morning seminar and by lunch time he felt that he had, indeed, reformed. He revelled in his new persona and strode confidently into his afternoon lecture. Looking round the assembled faces he wondered what he had seen in them that had tempted him so strongly. They’re just students, he thought, and they are off limits for me, no matter how appealing they seem to be, no matter how much they seem to want me to notice them.
He managed to keep with this new view of himself for the rest of the term, growing more and more confident in the knowledge that he’d turned a corner in his life and had rescued himself from disaster. Of course, while he was abroad during the long vacation he allowed himself a little more freedom. Away from home, distanced from those who knew him … well, a chap had to do what he needed to do. Discretely.
Two years passed and the newly reformed Dr Jonathan took pride in the way his life was progressing. The only blemish was that he couldn’t find a partner. At one point he wondered if he should be looking for a man and he fondly thought back to the happy times he had spent with Arthur, his boyhood friend. But the boy had been
innocent. He’d had no idea that Jack was infatuated with him, with his muscular body and his sharp brain. Despite his private infatuation with the boy, Jack had never done anything to compromise his friendship with him and as time passed they grew apart and their friendship had lapsed. Idly, he wondered if he should try to trace Arthur, to re-kindle their friendship, but he rejected that idea. Look to the future, cut yourself off from the past; you’re a new man now.
Dr Jonathan was still looking for a woman who would respect him, care for him and yet would keep pace with the wilder side of his desires. He had been with many women but none had fully satisfied him. Usually, just as he was beginning to think that he’d found the right person, they cried off and he never saw them again.
He was slowly coming to realise that he was looking for a woman who didn’t exist and he reluctantly began to contemplate remaining single for the rest of his life. In some ways the idea suited him because he could always go out to indulge his private fantasies and this was to his advantage because he was never left with the aftermath. All the same, he longed for someone to talk to in the evenings, for companionship.
As a history lecturer he knew only too well that the world revolved around people and that cut off from intimate human contact he was incomplete. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that he didn’t need anyone, he was all too aware of the empty space in his life.
Chapter 21
‘I think it’s only fair to tell you that I have always been a Socialist,’ the Head told the group sitting before him. ‘At least, apart from one momentary slip when I voted Conservative.’
Arthur Campbell went on to tell them how this aberration had come to pass.
‘My father had just died and I was unhappy with the state of the country. The government was in difficulties and I suppose that I thought my vote would go some way towards putting everything right. We needed a change. It made no difference, of course, because there was no chance that the Conservatives could take the parliamentary seat where I lived.
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