by Natasha West
'So, think about it and get back to me?'
She nodded and stood, turning to the door. Then she seemed to change her mind and turned back to me, looking me squarely in the eyes.
'Whatever happens, thank you for reading my story. It means something to me that you like it.'
As she said that, it was as though our roles were reversed. I was the one who couldn't look her in the eye. I gave a simple nod and she turned and swept out, a new confidence in her step. I leaned back in my chair, feeling undone. The thoughts that had poured into my brain in the last few minutes were completely unwelcome and I was angry with myself. I suppose the problem was that I actually liked the girl and somehow that meant that an affair with her would be wrong. And that's if she even returned the attraction. It was strange to feel doubt about that, I'd always felt supremely confident that I could have whomever I chose. And Penny left me doubting everything.
I tried to push my mind towards Chloe and how it would feel to have her in my bed, but the whole idea of trying to seduce her now seemed pointless. I'd been targeting first years for seduction for six years, I had my methods and my rules. There were systems in place. And Penny Stone had ruined all that in the course of an afternoon.
Chapter 6
It was October, six weeks into my first term and it had been a tough one. My business studies coursework load was heavy and I was juggling it with writing stories for Julia's class as well as trying to find time for Will. I was exhausted. So when the letter from the Writer's Retreat Competition was pushed under my halls door, I'd forgotten that I had even entered it.
I opened the letter, yawning, and skimmed its contents as I went back to my room to get ready. Words like 'Pleased to inform you' and 'Winner' danced in front of my eyes. I blinked away sleep and read it through properly. I had won a place on the writer’s retreat in the winter break. I would be spending a long weekend with other promising young writers getting intensive one on one tutoring as I worked on a story that I would finish by the end of the course. I sat down on the edge of my bed, astounded. I'd won. I'd actually won.
In the shower, my head was spinning with questions. Should I do this? Did I have the time? Ultimately, what could I get out of it? I was a business student, my future didn’t hold literature. It held working in the family shop. I was completely conflicted, but then I glanced further down the letter and saw the list of tutors who would be attending. Julia's name was at the top. I remembered that she had said something about being part of it, but at the time I'd been a bit flustered by her praise and I hadn't taken that fact in. I'd be spending time with Julia, maybe even getting personal attention. The thought of it made my stomach drop. It was a strange reaction. She was my professor and I respected her, but surely the thought of spending a weekend with her at a remote cabin shouldn't make me feel so... scared. Was it fear that I might disappoint her? No, that wasn’t quite what it was.
I was toweling off when there was a sudden rapid knock at the door. I wrapped myself up in my towel and went to answer, still thinking about the retreat. Will was at the door, raring to go as usual.
'Morning. Hey, you're not ready!'
'I'm sorry, give me five minutes.'
I walked back into the en-suite bathroom, closing the door behind me as Will waited for me in my bedroom. As I dressed, I decided to ask Will about the retreat. Maybe talking about it would clarify my feelings. I called through to the bedroom.
'Hey, I just got this letter to say that I won a competition for my short story.'
His excited voice drifted into the bathroom.
'What?! The one you said was rubbish? That's amazing!'
'Yeah, I guess.'
'Well, you've got to let me read it now.'
'Mmm, maybe. But the thing is, the prize is four days at a cabin over the Christmas break, at a writer’s retreat.'
'Oh, right. Are you going?'
'I don't know. I've got a lot of work and I don't know if I can just take that time out of my life at the moment.'
'Well, do you want to go?'
It was an obvious question but not one I'd asked myself. I realised the answer was yes, I really did.
'I suppose I do.'
'Then you should do it.'
I'd finished dressing and I walked out.
'But I'm not a writer, I'm a business student.'
I went to the mirror and looked at my clothes. I was surprised to find that I suddenly hated everything I was wearing. Will interrupted my critical sartorial thoughts, a dog with a bone as ever.
'Sounds like the people who run this competition think you're a writer.'
It was an incredible idea. Was it possible that I really was good at this? Irregardless of whether I really was any good, I had to admit to myself that the thought of spending real time focusing on writing with no other distractions, no business studies, no university, even no Will, sounded exciting. And then my mind went back to the fact of Julia's presence at the retreat. Something about it niggled at me and I didn't understand what it was. I couldn't even tell if the fact she was going was in the plus or minus column. But I knew I was going to do it. I was going to the retreat.
Chapter 7
It was a winter’s morning and I was driving up along the coast, one eye on the ocean. It looked cold but beautiful. I didn’t usually take such pleasure from this annual drive but somehow my senses felt heightened, and I knew why. I was en-route to the writer’s retreat and I had a serious case of nerves.
The feeling was new to me. I hadn’t felt so apprehensive about anything for many years, not since the days of sending my work to publishers. It was ridiculous to be so worried about spending time with a student, but Penny had me in a state of fear. I couldn’t specifically understand what it was that had me so anxious. I’d been mostly successful in not thinking about what had happened in my office with Penny a few months back. Chloe had been lingering after class a lot and I thought that maybe I could still enjoy her in the way I’d always enjoyed my targets. I thought perhaps once this weekend was done with, it was time to stop holding back and give Chloe what she wanted. I needed to wipe this Penny nonsense out of my brain. She was all wrong. She was completely inexperienced, a small town girl who wouldn’t know how to play my game. No, I told myself strongly. I wasn’t going down that path.
I pulled up in front of the cabin, a large beautiful structure in the classic log style, and saw excited young writers milling about, making nervous chit chat. The organiser, Jane, was waiting for me. She was a severe woman with a tight bob. I don’t think I’d ever seen her look relaxed and today was no different.
‘Julia, you’re late!
I looked at my watch. I was seven minutes late and Jane was looking at me like I’d kicked her dog. I knew contrition was the quickest way out of that glare.
‘I’m sorry, traffic. I’m here now though.’
Her mouth pinched.
‘Well, I’m starting in a few minutes and I usually like to debrief with the tutors before I start but I guess I won’t be doing that.’
I gave her what I hoped was a charming shrug of apology. She said nothing and walked off, her head undoubtedly already in the next crisis. I went into the cabin and headed directly for the kitchen where some of the other tutors were drinking coffee. They greeted me cheerfully and I poured myself a cup. I had half an eye on the sitting room and I suppose I knew who I was looking for. I tried to engage with my colleagues but anyone looking for signs I was distracted wouldn’t have had to look very hard.
Eventually, Penny hoved into view. I was surprised to see that her old style seemed to be evolving. The ponytail was gone, her thick dark blonde hair hung lose down her back and her conservative dress had matured, she wore brighter, fitted clothing that flattered her curves. And her old steel coloured glasses gone, probably replaced with contact lenses. ‘Damn’ I whispered to myself. Penny looked hot. I promised myself that my resolve was strong, I would leave the girl alone.
She was talking to a serious look
ing boy. I watched for a moment and I distinctly heard the boy say ‘Fyodor Dostoyevsky said…’ and I knew anyone that would say his full name, as though you might mix him up with the other Dostoyevsky, was a bore. Looking at Penny I knew my instincts were correct, she looked ensnared. I decided I had no choice but to rescue her. I sidled up to the pair.
‘Penny, ready to work?’
She looked around at me with surprise that turned to obvious gratitude.
‘Julia, hello. Yeah, I think so.’
We smiled at each other for a moment and then Dostoyevsky boy spoke, his tone a little angry.
‘You’re one of the tutors, right? So what are your credentials for making us better writers?’
I was momentarily surprised but it wasn’t the first time a young writer had attacked before I read their work. I recognised it for the defensive move that it was.
‘I’m sure you’ve read about me online, probably read some of my work, I’m guessing. I bet you know my biog better than I do.’
The boy blushed a little and I knew was spot on. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to embarrass him.
‘But it doesn’t matter whether you like my work or not, this weekend is about you and I know how to bring the best out of a writer, that’s all that counts. It’s your weekend, not mine.’
He nodded shyly and I knew I’d won him over. He saw someone over my shoulder that he seemed to know. He quickly strode away.
I looked over at Penny and she was looking at me with wonder.
‘How did you do that?’
‘Do what?’
‘He was looking for a fight and you had him fall in love with you in two seconds!’
I laughed at the hyperbole.
‘He’s just a little insecure about his work. Sometimes that comes out as aggression.’
‘But it was like you knew exactly what to say.’
‘I’ve met a lot of young writers. You get to know what they need. Sometimes they need coaxing. Sometimes, they need a firm hand. And sometimes’, I nodded at the boy across the room ‘they need a combination of the two.’
She went quiet for a moment as she considered what I’d said.
‘And what do I need?’
The question floored me for a second, pushing me to think things about Penny that I didn’t want to think. Very bad things. My heart started banging in my chest. I realised Penny was waiting for an answer. I tried to make my voice light hearted.
‘I guess we’ll find out.’
Luckily, Jane called the session to start and I didn’t have to say anything else. It was going to be a long weekend.
Chapter 8
It was day two of the retreat. I’d spent the previous day thinking about what kind of story I wanted to write and handed my notes in to Jane. Now we were sitting in a circle in the living room, waiting to see which tutor we were assigned to for the weekend. I was very scared that I was going to get Julia. I was also scared I wasn’t going to get Julia.
‘Penny Stone, you’re with Julia.’
And there it was, we were paired, for better or worse. Before I had a chance to process my own reaction to the news, I looked across at her and I saw a brief look of dismay on her face. Great, she was disappointed. Even though she’d been so encouraging of my work and even asked me to apply for this event that obviously didn’t mean she wanted to be my tutor. She probably wanted that boy who had challenged her yesterday. He was almost certainly a much better writer than me. He was a real writer and she’d ended up with the dud. She wiped the look off her face quickly and gave me a gracious smile but it was too late. I knew how she felt.
Jane told us all to meet our tutor and find somewhere for an initial feedback session. I walked over to where Julia was waiting, feeling as though I were walking to the guillotine. She looked up at me, smiling politely.
‘How about we go outside? I know it’s cold, but the view is worth putting your coat on for. I’ll meet you on the beach.’
I nodded in agreement and went to fetch my coat and gloves, wondering why I’d come here. What had I been expecting? I’d written something Julia had liked and I’d let it go to my head. I’d let myself think I could do this. And now I was going to spend three days disappointing her. It was crushing to think of it like that.
I found Julia waiting for me on the beach, wearing a black pea coat with the collar turned up against her neck to protect her from the cold sea air. Despite the raging winds, she looked immaculate. I turned to look at the sea and saw that she was right about the view. I hadn’t had a chance to look at it properly until now. The sea looked angry and beautiful, the waves crashing on the sand. Julia was watching the shore and I saw her before she saw me and her face looked different. Melancholy. For the second time in a few minutes I was seeing her when she didn’t know she was being watched, and it was interesting. She still seemed like the beautiful, controlled, commanding woman that had been standing in front of the class all term, but when I saw her in those private moments I saw something more. She seemed like a person, which I guess I’d never considered before.
She turned and saw me and like that, she was Julia Hawke again.
‘Sit down, let’s start.’
I sat on the beach next to her, feeling apprehensive.
‘I’ve read your notes but I’d like to hear you talk about your story.’
‘Ok, err, it’s about a girl who leaves home for the first time to go to university and…’
I stopped, embarrassed. Julia was going to think the story was about me and it wasn’t meant to be. She smiled and I could tell she knew what was I was thinking. Feeling like she’d read my mind made it easier to keep going.
‘And she’s trying to decide whether she fits there, if it’s really what she wants.’
‘I see. And what’s at the heart of her conflict? Why does she feel like she doesn’t fit?’
‘She’s realised she really doesn’t care about the course she picked.’
‘Business studies?’
‘No, she’s doing engineering.’
She laughed and after a moment, I joined her. It felt nice to laugh with her. Julia suddenly became serious.
‘But it has to be more than this, doesn’t it? It’s about more than a course.’
I thought about the question and I knew what she meant but I didn’t have an answer, so I tried to play for time.
‘What do you mean?’
She looked at me and again, I felt like she saw through me.
‘It’s not about the course. What is it really about?’
‘I don’t know yet.’
‘Yes. You do.’
I considered that for a moment and I knew what the answer was.
‘I guess maybe she doesn’t know if she really fits anywhere. And maybe she never will.’
Suddenly, I was on the edge of tears. It was ridiculous, she was only asking me about my story, why was I reacting like this? I didn’t want Julia to see me in this state. She would lose what little respect she had if she saw me crying over a simple question. I stood up quickly.
‘I have to go...I… I’ll be back in a sec.’
She looked at me surprised but as I turned to leave I felt a hand on my arm. I turned and Julia was standing, holding onto me and looking at me with kindness.
‘It’s OK. I know it can be intense to talk about your work. You don’t have to run away.’
I couldn’t answer, finding myself tongue tied. A second ago I’d wanted to get away from Julia, I didn’t want her to see me getting emotional, to feel so exposed. But she’d let me know that it was alright to show her that side of myself. She wasn’t scared of it. She accepted all of me. I let her see my tears and we weren’t professor and student anymore, we were just two people and I knew suddenly what had always scared me so much about Julia Hawke. I wanted her. I wanted her to kiss me and touch me and…
I pulled my arm back, shocked. She released her hold.
‘I need to go.’
I walked back to the cabin an
d I didn’t look back.
I sat in my room, dazed. I couldn’t understand what had just happened. I didn’t want to think about it. I picked up my phone and called Will. It went to voicemail. I tried again. No answer. I sat on the edge of the bed and there was nothing I could do to stop this feeling. My heart was racing and my blood was pumping. I’d felt this way once before, after the thing when I was sixteen. It was the same feeling. Scary, exciting. But unlike before, there was another person involved. I could feel a pull to her. And it frightened me.
Later, Jane called us all down to dinner and I sat down at the table, making sure to sit as far away from Julia as possible. I tried not to look at her but occasionally my eyes disobeyed me and stole a glance at her. She wasn’t looking at me either. I wondered what she’d thought about me running off like that. She probably thought I was an idiot. I ate as quickly as possible and went straight back up to my room. I wanted to leave the retreat. I was wondering if it was possible to get a taxi that might take me to a nearby town where I could get a train when there was a knock at the door. It was probably Jane, demanding I come down to take part in some ‘getting to know you’ games. I decided I’d just cry off sick, she wouldn’t be able to argue with that.
I opened the door and Julia was standing there. She was the last person I wanted to see. I waited for her to ask me why I was acting like a crazy person but she didn’t say anything. She just walked right in and stood in the middle of my room, looking at me. I couldn’t meet her gaze. I didn’t know what was happening but I closed the door in case she was about to give me a talking to about my behaviour. But she didn’t say a word and we stood in the silence for a moment. I didn’t know what she wanted from me. Suddenly her voice shattered the quiet.