A spike of jealousy he didn’t like went through Eric, and he dropped his gaze to his cup again. It was true he’d harbored a crush on his best friend years ago. It was the main reason he’d never told Tanner he was bisexual. He didn’t want things to get awkward, and he’d known back then Tanner was hoping to meet his destined mate—if same-sex destined mates even existed. So when they both matured and nothing happened between them, Eric had put the crush away, as much as he could.
As he dug through the feeling, though, part of him was more jealous about the fact that they had each other and that it did seem so good between them. Were all destined mates like that? Not that Eric expected to ever meet his, and even if he did, he wasn’t sure he could take the chance on him or her walking away like Kim had. He pushed the thought away.
“So, uh….”
“What made you come back?” Tanner asked.
Eric frowned, not sure if he could really explain it. He was certain neither would believe him if he told them he thought he’d met their goddess. “I… something just pushed me—instinct, I guess—that it was time to come back. Not that I really know what I’m going to do or where to go. I’m sure my apartment’s long gone, as is my stuff.”
“I think your parents collected some of it. Pictures, personal things, that stuff.” Tanner frowned. “The rest, though, I’m pretty sure they donated. They were convinced you’d never come back.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” Eric said, swallowing around the lump that thought caused. “I’m pretty sure everyone was.”
“I kept hoping,” Tanner said, pulling Eric’s gaze to him. Tanner nodded. “Yeah. I saw you a few times, up in the mountains. I kept wanting to go up there, but I really didn’t think you wanted me to get too close.”
“Early on… I didn’t. When was the last time you saw me?” Eric tried not to let it hurt that Tanner hadn’t approached him either.
“God… five years? Six? Something like that. I kept looking for you after, of course, but I couldn’t find you. Maybe sheer dumb luck that you were somewhere else.”
Eric let out a breath. “Back then I wouldn’t have wanted to see you, no. I… well, anyway. Here I am. But… now what?”
“You’ll stay here, of course, learn how to be human again, and decide when you’re ready, that’s what,” Finley said, reaching out and taking his hand.
Eric blinked at him, then looked at Tanner and back to Finley. “Stay here?”
Finley wrinkled his forehead in consternation. “Well, I’m not about to let you try to relearn how to be human on your own. What kind of alpha mate would I be if I did that?”
“I… didn’t think about it like that.”
Finley beamed at him. “Then it’s settled. You can pick whichever bedroom you’d like, except ours, of course. You might be most comfortable in the one down here.”
Eric most definitely did not want to hear them having sex. “That’s… probably true.”
Tanner got up and disappeared. When he came back a few minutes later, he held something out.
Eric stared at it for a long moment before reaching out to take it. “You still have this?”
Tanner nodded. “Yeah. I held on to it, just in case.”
Eric lifted the cover on his old sketchbook, then flipped slowly through the pages. One design after another that he’d worked into leather over the years filled the book. He’d loved his job, once upon a time, loved drawing those images, then hand-tooling them into the leather to make the bags and purses and other items they’d sold in the shop.
“And when you’re feeling better, more able to handle things, your job will be waiting for you, if you want it.”
Shaking his head, Eric looked up. “I don’t know if I can even do that anymore.”
Tanner just smiled. “We’ll see. Don’t make any decisions yet, okay?”
Eric nodded. “Okay, uh, yeah.”
“Cool. I think it’s about time we think about dinner. How about some burgers?” Finley asked, standing up.
Chapter 2
BEN DIDN’T need his preternatural senses to know she was there. Despite how quiet she was trying to be—or, at least, he assumed she was trying—he still heard her crying. He was pretty sure their human neighbors heard her.
He focused on packing the few things he had left into the last box. He closed it up, ignoring the sniffling, and picked up his overnight bag. After checking the toiletries bag, he turned around to go back to the bathroom.
“Jesus—”
“Ben, Mamá. Why can you not at least call me by the name I prefer?” he asked, deliberately speaking in English.
“I named you Jesus for a reason!”
Ben sent up a prayer to Diana for patience, though he wasn’t entirely convinced she was there. He wasn’t convinced any god was there. “You also named me Benjamin—Ben—for a reason. You’ve told me more than once what mi abuelo meant to you.”
She scowled at him. “Of course he meant a lot. But—”
“Mamá, I don’t believe in that. Just… never mind. Excuse me.” He slipped by her into the hall, then down to the bathroom and retrieved his toothbrush as she followed him. After stowing it in his toiletries bag and tucking the bag back in the overnight case, he turned to her one more time.
“I still do not know why you have to go so far away. Somos familia!” She took off in a long string of rapid-fire Spanish that he tuned out—the same arguments she’d been giving him for months, since he’d made the decision to move to another part of the country.
“Mamá, this is exactly why! You could never accept me. Nothing I do makes you happy! Every time I even mention my wolf—”
She crossed herself, making him roll his eyes.
“—you cross yourself and tell me I’m going to hell for not exorcising him.”
“It is a demon in you, Jesus!”
“Ben.”
She ignored that.
He sighed. “It’s not a demon. He is part of me. We’ve been over this more times than I can count. If it’s not my wolf—”
She crossed herself. Again.
“—it’s because I did not go to medical school. Or I did not marry the girl you picked out for me. Not that I’m even ready to get married, Mamá.”
“You could have been a doctor!”
“I wanted to play my guitar! That was not good enough. I did go to school, but even accounting was not good enough!”
“I do not know why—”
“Never mind. I’m not going to keep fighting with you, Mamá. This is why I have to go. I cannot keep doing this. I need to go somewhere that I can be myself. Even the pack here is not as welcoming as I would like.”
“Jesus Benjamin Arellano!” she shouted.
“Alicia! That is enough.”
Ben took a breath and sent a grateful look at his papá. “Papá. I cannot—” He spread his hands and shook his head.
“Let me take the last box. Do you have everything?” Papá asked.
“Yes, this is it.”
Mamá started crying again. Ben ignored her—again—and picked up his overnight bag, then followed Papá through the house to the driveway. He stowed the bag on the floor of the passenger seat next to his backpack, then shut the door and turned back to Mamá. “Te quiero, Mamá. You know that. But I need space to be me.”
“But… so far.”
“The pack in Pennsylvania needs an accountant. They’ll welcome me—all of me.” He shrugged a shoulder. “Maybe I’ll meet my destined mate there.”
“Je—Benjamin….”
“Let him go, Alicia,” Papá said.
She shook her head. “I do not understand how you can hurt me like this!”
Ben sent up another bid for patience, but apparently, if Diana was there, she was busy. He took a deep breath, but his tolerance was getting shorter and shorter the longer she fought. “This is not about hurting you, Mamá! I am an adult! I need to do what is right for me. This is right.”
“There are ple
nty of good Catholic girls here. You can work—”
“Alicia—” Papá tried, but she ignored him and opened her mouth to speak again. But Ben held his hand up, stopping her.
“No, Mamá. Just stop, please, before we say something we’ll regret.”
She scowled this time and actually stamped her foot. “You listen to me! I am your mamá! I know what is best for you.”
“No,” Ben said, his own expression turning thunderous. “You have not done what is best for me in years. Years, Mamá! You have done nothing but make me feel bad for how I was born. You’ve told me all my life I am a half demon.” He shook his head and turned toward his car.
“If you walk away from me, Jesus Benjamin Arellano—”
He swung back around. “You will what? You will not talk to me? You are the one that will lose out! I do not have to come back here ever again. I do not have to bring my mate—whoever they turn out to be—back here to meet you. I do not have to do anything!”
“Alicia!”
Yet again she ignored his papá, stilling. “They? You mean, she, do you not, Jesus?” she asked in barely a whisper.
He cursed himself silently. He hadn’t meant to let that slip. He took a breath. “No, Mamá, I do not. I mean they. I do not know who—or what—my mate will be. It could be a nice girl. Or a nice boy.”
She blinked at him, her color draining. “What are you saying, Jesus?”
He ignored the name and sighed. “I’m saying I’m bisexual, Mamá. It’s the other reason I cannot stay here. You’re not the only one that would not accept that side of me. The pack will not either.”
She crossed herself again, though Ben wasn’t sure if it was the mention of the pack or his sexuality that sparked it. “Jesus, you must stay here and go to church with me! You cannot give in to the—”
“No.” He sent a look at his papá, who sighed. “Please, Papá, help me?”
“Alicia, no more. You have to let him go. His sexuality is none of your—or my—business. Come on.” He put an arm around her shoulders, but she shrugged it off, turning an accusing look at him.
“Did you know this?”
Papá looked distinctly uncomfortable for a few seconds, but then his expression firmed and he nodded. “Yes. It’s why I helped him find the Forbes Pack. They’ll accept him there.”
“He should not be accepted! He must exorcise these unholy—”
“Alicia!”
“Goodbye, Mamá,” Ben said, shaking his head. He rounded the car and pulled open the driver’s door. He gave her one more long look. Despite her insistence on ignoring what he was, on arguing with what he wanted, he did love her. “Te quiero, Mamá. Adiós.” He slipped into the car and pulled the door shut. Without looking in the rearview mirror, he started the car and took off.
He got out of his neighborhood on autopilot. Half a mile down the main road, he pulled into a Taco Bueno and parked, then dropped his head onto the steering wheel, bouncing it a few times, his heart hurting. His phone went off, and he contemplated ignoring it, sure it was his mother, but picked it up anyway. He’d never been able to truly ignore her.
Thankfully, it was Papá. Call or text me when you stop for the night.
He sent back a quick I will, then turned his notifications off. He rubbed his face hard. Even with her… problems with his nature, he would miss her.
He sighed, wishing, not for the first—or thousandth—time, that she could just accept him. He knew growing up Catholic would have made it difficult, but he would have thought after all those years of seeing him, his papá, and his younger sister shift and not turn into monsters, she would have accepted it. But apparently not. He couldn’t remember exactly when they’d stopped shifting at home, but he hadn’t been all that old. Even so, he’d never so much as growled at her when he’d been in wolf form. So he didn’t understand why she wouldn’t accept it.
It still boggled his mind that she and his father were destined. He didn’t understand—entirely aside from her humanity—how Diana could pair them—if that was, in fact, how it worked. But he guessed there was a reason for it. Still, it made life very difficult on all of them. No wonder his younger sister went all the way to California to go to school. He wished he’d left that early too.
Instead, he’d done his schooling there, only delaying the inevitable fight, which turned out to be just as bad as he’d been afraid of. With another sigh, he connected his phone to his car’s Bluetooth and set it in the holder on the dash. He picked his playlist, set the navigation up, then pulled out of the spot.
Glancing at the clock, he decided to go through the drive-through and get something for the road. He hadn’t intended to leave already, had meant to have dinner with them before leaving in the morning, but he wouldn’t, couldn’t go back there. Maybe someday.
Shoving the fight to the back of his mind, he turned down Carlos Santana and approached the menu board.
BEN SAT heavily on the side of the bed as he hit the speed dial for his papá’s number.
“Bueno!”
“Hola, Papá. I’m in Texarkana. Found a Hampton.”
“You stopped so soon?”
Ben sighed. “Yeah. I could not concentrate much anymore. My wolf was getting too pushy, distracting me.”
“When was the last time you shifted?”
Ben frowned as he tried to figure it out. “The last full moon.”
“No wonder you’re distracted. You cannot go that long.”
“I know. With Mamá, though, it’s hard to run.”
“Well, you will not have to worry about that anymore.” Papá didn’t sound too happy.
“Are you regretting sending me away?” Ben asked, frowning.
“I’ll miss you, of course. But you’re not happy here. And if you did end up with a man?”
Ben didn’t answer, because they both knew how that would go. East Texas was not the place to be openly bisexual. “I think I’m going to spend the night in my fur. It’ll be inside, but still.”
“It’ll help,” Papá said. “Just giving him time, even if you can’t run.”
Ben kept silent for a long moment, trying to decide if he wanted to ask, then forced the words out. “How is she?”
“Eh,” Papá said, chuckling. “She’s your mamá. She is brooding now, but she’ll come around. Give her some time to really miss you.”
“Is that really going to work?” Ben picked at a loose thread on the hotel bedspread.
Papá sighed. “I think so.”
“She’ll never accept my wolf, Papá. She still thinks he’s a demon. How… how did she ever accept you?”
“Destined, mijo. And she did fall in love with me. I regret claiming her without her knowing what I was, but it happened and could not be undone. I do not regret claiming her completely, just not talking to her before. I think that is a bigger part of why she is the way she is.”
“That was kind of a rotten thing to do, Papá.” Ben was unable to repress a small laugh.
“Yeah, it was.” Papá chuckled. “She forgave me for the most part, but I think there’s still some of that holdover. I’m sorry for that—that you have had to take the worst of her attitude about it.”
Ben let the silence sit for a moment, not knowing what to say to that. “I… it’s not your fault she took it out on us—me and Tina.”
“You took most of it. Always trying to shield your little sister. Christina could have handled it.”
“But I did not want her to have to. Is that not what big brothers are for?”
“Maybe.” There was a smile in his papá’s voice at that. “Do you think you’ll find your mate there?”
“I do not know. I hope so. I mean… it seems pretty coincidental that you were told about them when you were.”
“True. Well, be safe on the road, please. We may heal fast, but that does not mean I want you hurt.”
Ben snorted. “I’m not a fan of pain, you know. I do not plan to get into an accident.”
Papá la
ughed. “Good. How far will you get tomorrow?”
“Uh, I had originally planned to stop in Nashville, but probably will go on to Louisville instead. Then Pittsburgh the next day.”
“Well, text, okay? Let me know where you are. I’ll worry.”
“Of course, Papá.” Ben paused to take a breath as his wolf pushed on his consciousness. “I should go. He’s getting more antsy.”
“All right. Good night, Ben.”
“Night.”
Ben turned the phone off and set it on the nightstand. He stopped to plug it in, then kicked his shoes off and pulled his shirt over his head at the same time. A moment later, he was naked and greeted his wolf.
It felt good to let him take over. He’d spent so much time ignoring him, trying not to be the shifter he was, all for Mamá. It had affected him as a wolf, though he tried not to let it show. He had always shifted slower than his papá and sister, had always struggled with hunting, though they couldn’t do much of that in their small running area, anyway.
Still, giving over had always seemed right. Seeing his vision change, savoring the sensations of his bones realigning and muscles reforming… it felt good. He hoped to spend a good deal more time in his fur when he got to the new pack lands. If they accepted him. He still worried more than a little that they wouldn’t want a Mexican, or that their acceptance of other sexualities was exaggerated.
When he landed on four paws, he shook himself hard, then jumped up on the bed. He settled on top of the bedspread and sighed. He wanted to go hunting, wanted to spend time running, but he didn’t dare, as unfamiliar with the local area as he was. Besides, he was fairly certain there was a local pack that would not appreciate him hunting on their lands without warning.
Even without running, simply giving time over to his other half offered him a peace that had eluded him for a long time. He hadn’t shifted outside the full moon in months. It was no wonder he was starting to have attention issues.
One of the advantages of his wolf was that he couldn’t hold on to the supercomplicated human worries. His wolf liked things much simpler, more basic. Eat, sleep, hunt, fuck. He couldn’t do some of that, but he could sleep, giving his other half time to simply have more control.
Forgiveness Page 2