ERIC SIGHED and nosed his snout under Ben’s. Ben curled a little tighter around him, then licked at Eric’s face.
The run had helped. Chasing his mate through the forest, being chased, had felt good. They’d played together, and Eric’s wolf had reveled in doing something so basic with their mate. The simplicity of his wolf had helped ease some of the emotional mess.
While the scene with his parents had hurt, it hadn’t been as bad as it could have been. Eric hadn’t really had hopes for his family in years. Having Ben with him, even if they hadn’t bonded, had helped too. He was trying not to freak out, in fact, over how much it had. Had they bonded more than he realized? They’d never stopped kissing, but he hadn’t thought they’d bonded more because of it.
Eric hadn’t just told Ben of the need to have him along for the run to make him feel better either. The thought of running without Ben hadn’t sat well with him—or his wolf—at all. When they’d run on the full moon, facing all the old members of his pack had scared him, and it was only Ben’s presence next to him that had kept him calm. Well, that and Ben’s fear. He didn’t know why it’d been so easy for him to soothe Ben’s worry, why he was so convinced they wouldn’t have a problem with Ben’s background, yet was still so terrified of his own reception. Neither of them had apparently had anything to fear, however. The pack had welcomed him back as warmly as they’d welcomed Ben—which was as warmly and happily as they welcomed everyone else. Even so, he’d been very grateful Ben had been there through it.
He didn’t know if it meant anything, but he was starting to realize that the thought of Ben leaving scared him—and not just from the idea of breaking the bond.
When Ben started licking his face again, he realized he’d been whining. Eric sighed and returned a few of the licks. He was damned lucky to have found his destined mate, and he knew it. The frustration with his fear wasn’t lessening. If anything, it was getting worse, but every time he thought about bonding, about taking that final step, his heart started pounding, his stomach twisted, and he more or less forgot how to breathe.
He did his best to suppress the fear. He didn’t need to alert Ben to anything—that thought alone ratcheted the fear worse—and possibly upset him. Eric was already hurting Ben with his hesitance. That would only make it even worse.
Eric looked up at the sky, seeing how dark it was, which meant it was later than he realized. They’d been gone a while. He tilted his head in the direction of the house, and Ben nodded. Together they stood, shook, and headed back.
As they walked, Eric tried to keep from thinking, but now that his wolf had been satisfied, the worry about how much he was coming to depend on Ben grew. He focused on keeping it contained, but he couldn’t stop how much it was bothering him. Would it hurt emotionally if Ben left, even if their preternatural bond didn’t have to break the way it had with Kim?
He tried to shake the thought off as they shifted back to human form. Eric opened the door for Ben, and they both stepped into the mudroom.
Ben turned to him. “Did you still want me to cook dinner?”
“I’d love it if you’re up for it.” Eric managed a smile, though he was pretty sure it fell flat.
“I do not have to,” Ben said, tilting his head.
Eric shook his head as he pulled his underwear and jeans on. “No, really. It’s not that. Just… you know, my—uh, yeah, them.” He sincerely hoped Ben didn’t see through that. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either.
His mate considered him for a long moment but eventually nodded. Eric didn’t know if Ben believed him or just let it go. “Okay, cariño. I will go get started.”
Eric kissed him briefly. “I think I’m going to go take a shower.” With another kiss, he left Ben to dress and started up the stairs.
Tanner happened to be coming down from the second floor as Eric got to the landing. He looked at Eric for a long moment. “What’s up?”
Eric frowned. He didn’t think Tanner would let it go like Ben would. Ben was still too worried Eric would reject him. Tanner had no such fears. Eric sighed, then glanced down the steps. Ben wasn’t there yet, but Eric had no doubt he could hear everything. Eric waved at the stairs, then started up to the second floor. “Come on. I need to get clothes out. I’ll talk upstairs.”
Tanner followed him in silence until they got to the bedroom. Eric mulled over how to approach the subject as he pulled open the dresser drawer for clean underwear. “So, today sucked.”
Tanner laughed. “Duh?”
Eric shook his head. “Yeah, yeah. But, I mean….” He pulled out socks and a fresh T-shirt, then turned to Tanner and leaned against the dresser. “I don’t think I could have dealt as well as I did with that without Ben.”
“Okay?” Tanner asked, raising an eyebrow.
Eric sighed and shook his head. “I mean… I needed him.”
“That’s what mates are supposed to be. You do need each other sometimes.”
Frowning, Eric dropped his gaze to his toes. “Okay, so, there’s no, uh, actual mate bond, I get that, but….” He swallowed, refusing to look at Tanner. “What if he leaves? Even without a bond, I mean… being—Ow!” His head whipped up as a smack landed on the back of it. He hadn’t even heard Tanner move. Eric glared at his best friend. “What the fuck?”
“That’s my question.”
Eric was taken aback at the glare on Tanner’s face. “What?”
“Has Ben given you any indication he’d do something like that?”
“Well….” Eric scowled harder. “No. But fuck’s sake, man, it’s been, what, a month? Six weeks?”
“Yeah, and?” Tanner shook his head. “He’s your destined fucking mate. You know, from our patron goddess? The one you said you met? How many destined mates do you know that have broken up?”
Eric didn’t answer because he knew Tanner was well aware that Eric knew what the answer would be.
“How many other mate pairs do you know that have broken up?”
Eric sighed.
“Now, let me ask you one last question. How much is Ben like Kim?”
“Not a single gods-damned bit,” Eric said without thinking.
Tanner didn’t speak, simply raised an eyebrow again.
Eric blew out a breath. “Fuck.”
“I get that you might not be ready to fully bond yet. But the rest of that shit, you need to let go of it. Hell, you need to accept what Ben is, what Diana gave you. Really accept it, because I don’t think you have. If you trust our goddess, and your wolf—who knows Ben as your mate—then you need to at least stop hanging on to this other shit. Everyone’s got fears when it comes to a relationship—no, not like you have, but fears all the same—so you’re no exception to that. It’s hurting him, even if he doesn’t admit it. And you know this and you’re fucking better than that. He deserves more, even—maybe especially—if you can’t fully bond yet.” Tanner shook his head and stepped out of the room.
Eric let the words roll around in his head as he went into the bathroom. He stripped out of his clothes and turned on the shower. When the water was hot only a moment later—he loved those tankless heaters—he stepped under the spray.
Was he overthinking it? He had no doubt it would hurt if Ben left, but… would Ben leave? Would Diana do that? Bring him down from the mountain, give him a destined mate, only for that destined mate to voluntarily leave?
He still wasn’t sure he could take a chance yet on fully bonding, or even for something to happen involuntarily to Ben. There were still plenty of things that could kill them. But he had to give Tanner this much: he was hurting Ben. It’d been, now, more than six weeks since he’d once again taken human form, and more than three since Ben had first said “I love you.” Eric wasn’t going to get any surer of his feelings in that way. He had fears, yes, but he knew how he felt about Ben and, like he’d recognized that he’d been hiding behind those fears before their date, he needed to admit he was now too.
With
a sigh, Eric focused on cleaning himself up. It was time to fight harder against his fears.
Chapter 14
BEN FOUND the playlist he wanted, then set his phone in the docking station they had in the kitchen. Ricky Martin started singing about how beautiful his lover was, and Ben sang along as he pulled out pans, utensils, and ingredients. He got lost in the music as he chopped vegetables, and the spicy chicken simmered in the pan on the stove, making his stomach grumble.
Concentrating on the meal and music helped keep him from thinking. He didn’t want to think too much, because he knew exactly where his mind would go: to the lie Eric had told before he’d gone upstairs. Ben shook his head at himself and stirred the meat before going back to his vegetables. Diced green peppers, onions, and tomatoes all got tossed in a bowl. He attacked the cilantro next, falling into a rhythm with the chopping. He sang, this time with Enrique Iglesias, even dancing as he dropped cutting board into the sink.
But his worries and fears wouldn’t stay away for long. Why had Eric lied to him? That was the part that bothered him the most. Eric knew he would recognize the lie, so why? Had he, Ben, done something wrong? He frowned as he turned the meat again, but no matter what he came up with, nothing made sense to him.
Ben understood the day had been very hard for Eric. It had warmed Ben that Eric had wanted him along for the trip, and even more so when he’d asked about running together. Ben stopped and frowned as that thought hit him. Had he pushed on that somehow? Made Eric feel like he had to ask?
He shook his head at himself again, annoyed at thinking about it anyway. He couldn’t know, and right then—when the scene with Eric’s family was still so fresh—was not the time to ask. With a sigh he turned back to the meal.
He managed to get lost once more in music and preparation. As he was peeling the poblano peppers, he heard footsteps behind him. He sniffed, but the spices he’d used in the meat actually overpowered his nose. Before he could focus his sense of smell, arms came around him from behind.
“That better be my mate, or there will be a bloody mess in the kitchen, and I do not think Finley or Tanner will appreciate that.”
Eric chuckled. “I like to think I’d tell them to take their hands off you first.”
“I would hope so.”
Eric stepped back and nudged Ben to turn around. He raised an eyebrow at the knife in Ben’s hand and, with a smirk, took it and set it carefully on the counter. Then he tugged Ben into his arms.
Ben, confused, simply went along with it. “Car—”
“Shh,” Eric said, putting a finger over Ben’s lips. Ben blinked but didn’t say anything more. Eric swallowed, cupped one of Ben’s cheeks, then said softly, “Te amo, mi corazon.”
Ben stared at Eric for a very long moment, mouth hanging open. It didn’t even register at first that Eric had spoken it in Spanish, only what the words meant. I love you, my heart. It took him another few seconds to realize he’d stopped breathing. He sucked in air before he passed out. “Cariño, do… do you know what you said?”
Eric nodded, a slightly crooked smile on his face. “I should hope so. I just spent twenty minutes researching the right way to say it to you.”
Ben blinked at him again. “You… you did? You… you mean it, then?”
With another swallow Eric nodded. “Yes. I love you, Ben. I….” He blew out a breath. “I’ve been hurting you. Again. I know you don’t think so,” he said hurriedly when Ben opened his mouth. Ben closed it again, chagrined to be read so well. “But I have. It might not have been obvious, but I am sure going so long saying that to me, but not hearing it back… hurt.”
Ben wanted to argue, but in truth, he couldn’t because Eric was right. He frowned. “I…. Mierda!”
Eric chuckled. “I don’t know exactly what that means, but I can guess. Seems like you used it once before, back when we were talking about Kim the first time.”
Color tinged Ben’s cheeks. “Yes. Uh, it means ‘shit.’”
That brought a full laugh. “I thought it was something like that.” He sighed. “Tanner, uh, smacked some sense into me.”
Ben scowled. “He should not have hurt you.”
“Meh. He didn’t. Just my pride, which can take a few hits. Besides, I needed it. I’ve known I love you for a while now, but I’ve been letting my stupid fears get in the way again.”
“Is that why you lied to me earlier?” Ben asked, dropping his gaze to Eric’s T-shirt.
“Caught that, did you?” Eric asked, and Ben nodded. “Yeah, I thought you did. I was freaking out because I realized how much I’d needed you today, and I let that bother me. It was stupid, it really was—which Tanner didn’t hesitate to point out—but… I’ve got to stop letting this shit control me.” He tilted Ben’s face up and caught his lips in a soft kiss. “You deserve better.” He took a breath. “I love you, Ben.”
Ben closed his eyes, his heart pounding. “I cannot tell you how good that feels to hear.”
“I think I have an idea. You are night and day from her, and not just because your genitals are on the outside.”
That made Ben chuckle. “Really?”
“Oh yeah. The times she said that to me? Never felt the way it does from you, and I really don’t think that’s the destined part of us either.”
Ben smiled. “I… I do not think so either. I love you, cariño.”
Eric grinned. “I love you. Now… can I help?” he asked, stepping back and waving a hand.
“I do not know. You won’t burn it, will you?”
“Uh… maybe stick to something that doesn’t involve the stove?”
Ben laughed, feeling amazingly light and hopeful. “All right. Let me show you how to peel these peppers.”
BEN COULDN’T seem to stop grinning the entire evening. Eric had helped him finish making the chile rellenos; then the four of them had proceeded to clean the entire platter of them. It’d made Ben feel really good about his cooking. Now, as he readied for bed, he still had the grin on his face, which made brushing his teeth easier, at least. As he went back to the bedroom he shared with Eric, he more floated than walked. He still couldn’t believe Eric had finally said “I love you.” He’d pinched himself more than once since the scene in the kitchen.
Of course, he made sure he did that when Eric wasn’t looking. Eric had been right: it’d hurt to say those words and not get them back. But he didn’t want to make things worse by letting Eric know how he was still afraid it was a dream. They needed to move forward—and keep moving forward—and dwelling on the mistakes and previous problems wouldn’t help either of them.
When he stepped into the room, he found Eric sitting up in bed, a book open in his hands. Ben peered closer, chuckling at the picture of two wolves on the front. “Good book, cariño?”
“Not bad,” Eric said, putting a bookmark in place and closing the book. “I’m not sure how believable it is that a guy can get pregnant, but I guess, for most humans, it doesn’t matter. I mean, they don’t think we exist, so….”
Ben laughed as he slipped under the covers. “Yes, I can see that.”
“And the story itself is good. I like the characters, and I have to admit some of the stuff Liam gets into—especially pregnant—is funny.”
“I may have to read it when you are done.”
“You should. If for no other reason than two hot guys getting it on.”
Ben laughed as Eric set the book on the bedside table, then turned the light off. As he settled down on the pillow, Ben studied his mate. Something was on Eric’s mind, but nothing specific came across their bond, so he couldn’t figure out what it was. He didn’t think it was anything bad, but without a more complete bond, he couldn’t know for sure.
He decided it was better to simply ask. “Cariño? Is something wrong?”
Shaking his head, Eric took a breath but didn’t speak. He slid across the space separating them, wrapping his arm around Ben’s waist. He pulled until they were tight against each other, making Ben g
asp when Eric’s skin was against his. Eric reached up to cup Ben’s cheek. Still without speaking, he closed the last little distance between their lips.
Ben was pretty sure he’d never get tired of the taste and feel of Eric’s kisses. The spice from their dinner was still there, despite Eric brushing his teeth, not that Ben minded. But more than the taste, he loved the feel of their tongues sliding, of hearing every moan. Eric rocked into Ben, who let out his own moan at the feel of Eric’s hardening dick.
When they broke apart, Ben sucked in a breath, then dove in to kiss Eric again. They rolled, Eric settling on top of Ben, and his own now hard cock against Eric’s brought an even louder sound.
“Gods, you feel good,” Eric muttered before catching Ben’s lips again.
Ben slid his hand down Eric’s back, cupped his ass, and squeezed. When Eric started rocking again, Ben brought his hands back up and threaded his fingers through Eric’s hair. He got lost in the kiss, in the feel of Eric against him, but only a moment later, Eric pulled back. Ben blinked up at him—now through gray vision, thrilled to see Eric’s eyes had bled black as well—but the slightly evil grin on Eric’s face only confused him more.
Especially when Eric started kissing a trail down over Ben’s chest. They didn’t often do this—too much temptation to do the kind of thing that would allow them to bond. Usually they kissed, ground into each other, and ended with mutual hand jobs. It was fairly safe while still allowing them to share pleasure.
This… if Eric wasn’t careful, this could cause all sorts of problems. But his mate’s lips on his skin were making it very difficult for Ben to figure out how to think, much less speak. That got even worse when Eric settled between Ben’s legs and kissed a line just above Ben’s boxers. “Ca—cariño—” The next sound out of Ben’s throat was more grunt than words.
Because Eric kissed the tip of Ben’s cock where it peeked through the slit.
Ben’s very naked dick. With precum beading on the end.
Forgiveness Page 17