Uncharted Passage

by Julie Cannon

  Hayden winced at his choice of words. She could file sexual harassment charges against him for his language, but then again, she could pack her bags and go to no-man’s land for the same result. God, I’m tired of this shit.

  She retreated from the office, stunned by the order. There was no reason for Foreman to know about Emily. There was no justification for him to ask for that kind of information. She stopped in the middle of the hall, the answers coming to her in a flash. Emily had insulted the old man by having the nerve to protest at his base. The protest was all over the news and was the talk of the base. Emily had embarrassed him in front of his cronies. He was out to get her no matter what, and he was going to use Hayden to do his dirty work.

  She was grateful for the cup of coffee Corporal Stone brought in after she’d stalked to her office. She was reading a report and had pored over the same page three times, losing concentration.

  The young corporal hesitated. “Emily Bradshaw is on the phone for you. The protester.”

  Hayden’s stomach shot to her throat. “Did she say what she wanted?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  Hayden took a deep breath. “Okay, thanks, Corporal. Would you close the door behind you?”

  She knew what her request might signal, but she didn’t know where the conversation would go and might be overheard by anyone passing the door. She felt she could trust Stone, and suspected he knew she was a lesbian, but she didn’t want to test her theory. So far, he’d never said anything to her, fishing for information, but there were other personnel who had speculated. A couple of officers had dropped hints, implying she could speak freely with them. Hayden resisted the urge. What she didn’t disclose couldn’t be used against her, and no one had ever asked directly. She was grateful for that.

  Her hand trembled when she picked up the receiver. Typically she answered the phone by saying “Colonel Caldwell,” but this was Emily, the woman who’d held her, who touched her in the dark under the stars, the woman who’d caused her to cry out in ecstasy. She still couldn’t stop thinking about her. Despite the girlfriend. Michelle. Despite the fact that Emily protested her very existence as an Army officer.

  She spoke the name she whispered at night. “Emily?” It flowed off her lips.

  “I hope I’m not disturbing you.” Emily’s formality sounded forced. She was probably wishing she had hung up instead of waiting for her call to be transferred.

  “No, not at all.” Liar.

  “How are you?”

  “I’m well.” Lie number two.

  “I’d like to talk to you. Can we meet for lunch?”

  Hayden was almost speechless. This was the last thing she had expected. Lunch? Dinner was too intimate, she supposed, and Emily was probably thinking ahead. An evening date was always more awkward to end, if things weren’t going well. Lunch was brief and casual. Even so, what was the point? Did Emily think they could be “friends”?

  “I don’t know if that’s wise.” Hayden’s inner voice screamed, Yes! Make it happen.

  There was a long pause at the other end.

  “Why?”

  Hayden scowled at the cryptic reply. “Why? Well, for a start, it’s obvious that we can’t talk like casual acquaintances. Apart from our history, and your personal situation, you trespassed on my base. We have some major philosophical differences.” That and the fact that if Foreman ever found out, I’d be slinging hash for the remainder of my enlistment.

  “Hayden, it’s just lunch. Good God, I’m not asking you to marry me.”

  For an instant Hayden pictured Emily in a white dress walking down the isle toward her. Sweat made her hand slip on the receiver. She should have nothing to do with this woman. Emily would only be trouble for her career, if it ever got out that they’d shared a meal. Could she have a normal social conversation with a woman who was the total opposite of her? Hayden hesitated. Of course she could. They’d talked about a lot of things in Thailand. Things I would never have told anyone, let alone a total stranger. Maybe that’s why I did. It was safe. And there was that time when we didn’t need any words… Memories of their passionate encounter on the beach instantly trampled over Hayden’s good judgment. She wanted to see Emily. Now.

  “All right,” she said before she could change her mind. “How about Roscoe’s? It’s a little Italian place on the corner of Gillcrest and Hecker.” Roscoe’s was warm and friendly and offered privacy without overt intimacy.

  “Yes, I know it.”

  Hayden scanned her brain, looking for something else to say.

  As though Emily sensed her ambivalence, she said, “Hayden, you don’t have to come. Forget I even asked. I’m sorry I bothered you.”

  Her despondency was tangible. Hayden didn’t get the chance to reply before she heard the click on the other end of the line. She stared at the receiver as if willing the voice to continue. She was a mess. Her heart was racing. Her blood pounded in her ears, and she couldn’t think straight. Recent history had shown that she couldn’t even form a complete sentence where Emily was concerned.

  She dropped the receiver back into the cradle and stared at the opposite wall for several seconds. Then she got up and stuck her head around the door. Corporal Stone appeared to be deep in his work. No one else was hovering.

  Relieved, Hayden said, “Corporal, please have my car brought around. I’ll be out for a couple of hours.”

  *

  Why was she even here? Hayden had not a clue. It was two blocks to the school where Emily worked. What would she say to Emily? How could she make her understand? Would she even be at the school? She sat still for several minutes contemplating her next move. As she’d circled the block trying to find a parking spot, she’d convinced herself that she wanted to see Emily to challenge her. Emily had a partner, so why was she trying to see Hayden socially?

  Hayden wasn’t going to judge her, but she needed to make her own position clear. She wasn’t going to be the “other woman” in a love triangle, or a stud on the side for a woman discontent in her relationship, if that’s what Emily had in mind. Feeling self-righteous, she got out of the car and started walking. The sidewalk was littered with trash and it had a strange odor she didn’t want to even try to identify. She rounded the corner and saw the brightly painted green door of the school. There was still time to change her mind, she reflected as she stepped inside and turned automatically toward the small lobby. The reception window was empty. No one had seen her.

  “Can I help you find someone?” a woman asked, and a head bobbed up at the window.

  Hayden wavered. The reception clerk was ogling her like she’d never seen a woman before. She had changed into a pair of jeans and a polo shirt and thought she looked less imposing than if she were wearing her uniform. Hayden kept a dignified demeanor, giving no indication of her nervousness. “I’m here to see Emily Bradshaw.”

  “In connection with which student?”

  “I’m not a parent. This is a personal matter.” Hayden hoped she sounded calmer than she felt.

  The receptionist checked her computer and said, “She’s not teaching this morning, but she’s here doing paperwork. I’ll get her for you. Have a seat.”

  Hayden fed some coins into the beverage dispenser in the corner of the room and pulled out a Coke. She soothed her dry throat with a long sip. As she lowered the can, she felt Emily’s presence before she even came into view. It was obvious when Emily emerged from the adjoining hallway that she was taken aback. Joy was the first expression on her face, followed quickly by apprehension. Hayden felt responsible for the swift shift in her emotions. She stepped forward, not giving Emily the chance to speak first.

  “I’d love to have lunch with you.” She was relieved to say the words. The truth was she wanted to see Emily again. Wanted to talk with her about anything, nothing, and everything. She wanted to know her favorite color, her favorite beer, and the name of her pet hamster. She wanted to know all there was to know about her.

  “What made you
change your mind?” Emily did not understand this woman. She’d thought Hayden felt the same way she did, that there was something there more than just a survivor connection between them. But Hayden’s cool response to her phone call had crushed her hopes and caught her off guard.

  “You hung up on me, remember?” Hayden said. “You withdrew your invitation before I had a chance to refute your assumptions, and my phone line doesn’t have that star sixty-nine feature.”

  Appropriately chastised, Emily lowered her eyes to the threadbare carpet. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

  “I didn’t know your number but I did know you worked here. At least this time I knew where to go to find you.” Hayden knew she was probably rambling but didn’t care. She tilted her head to make eye contact with Emily. “So, are you free now?”

  Emily broke into a smile. “Yes. I’ll go freshen up.”

  “Okay, I’ll wait for you here.”

  Hayden felt like she was floating over glass as she waited for Emily to return. She couldn’t control the bounce in her step as she paced from one side of the room to the other. When she became aware of the receptionist’s quizzical stare, she sat down, feeling like an eager teen waiting for her high school sweetheart. She wasn’t sure she cared.

  *

  “Get a grip, Emily. It’s lunch.”

  Emily’s hands shook as she studied her reflection in the mirror at Roscoe’s. She was wearing a pair of plaid shorts she knew she looked fabulous in, and a sleeveless solid-color tank top, brown sandals, and a leather rope bracelet. Goose bumps had erupted on her arms from the cool air inside the restaurant and her nipples had hardened as well.

  Hayden had chosen a table by the window, and as Emily slowly walked across the room returning from the ladies’ room, she knew from the look on Hayden’s face that she’d noticed the tight peaks pressing against the fabric of her tank. Hayden’s mouth dropped open, sending a rush of desire surging through Emily. She wants me, too.

  Hayden stood where she was, silhouetted by the rays of the afternoon sun. Her short blond hair was spiked and her long legs were covered by faded jeans. A pressed polo shirt and worn boat shoes completed an ensemble that screamed “lesbian.” Her green eyes sparkled and danced. Emily resisted the impulse to kiss her cheek, sitting down instead.

  No one spoke until the waitress had taken their drink order. The butterflies in Emily’s stomach would certainly inhibit any attempt she made to eat, so she didn’t reach for her menu but continued to study Hayden instead.

  “You look great.” Her voice was a little breathy. She couldn’t make herself sound normal.

  “Thanks, so do you.”

  “Thanks for agreeing to see me.”

  “Well, it’s only lunch, and I do have to eat.” Hayden inwardly rolled her eyes. Who was she kidding? It was more than lunch and she knew it.

  “So what are you in the mood for?” Emily asked, finally picking up her menu.

  Hayden wanted to explain exactly what she was in the mood for but let the comment slide. Even with the glaring issues of Michelle, Emily’s politics, and her career, she couldn’t deny her attraction to Emily. “I think I’ll have a pizza. Wanna share?”

  The thought of sharing food suddenly became as intimate as sharing a bed. Hayden’s body reacted to the idea with a tug of tension at her groin.

  “I’d love to,” Emily said.

  The waitress returned and took their order. Hayden had a thousand questions but bit her tongue. This was Emily’s invitation, and she said she wanted to talk. She sipped her Coke and waited patiently.

  “I bet you’re wondering why I called this meeting,” Emily joked, trying to loosen the tension that threatened to strangle her. She knew Hayden desired her; that had been obvious months ago, and nothing had changed. She still stared at her as though she wanted to drag her away somewhere and make love.

  “Well, free food is one way to get people to come.” Hayden chuckled.

  “I know several other ways to get you to come.”

  Emily gasped at her comment and Hayden choked on her drink. She reached for the extra napkins on the table. Emily wanted to slide under the tile. She flushed, remembering the many times Hayden had come that night they were together.

  “Well,” Hayden managed to say, still coughing. “I can’t argue that point.” She took a deep breath and wiped her mouth. “Nothing like getting right to it.”

  “My God, Hayden, I have no idea why I said that.” Emily felt her face flush again. “I…”

  She looked cute when she was embarrassed. Hayden interrupted her. “Yes, Emily. You do. And I’m certainly glad you said it.” She hesitated a second, then decided to cut Emily a break. “Look, we shared something incredible, something most people never will experience in their lifetime. We were in the middle of a life-or-death situation.”

  “Yes, the adrenaline was certainly racing.” Emily sounded strained.

  “Exactly, and in those circumstances people behave differently than they might normally. It doesn’t have to mean anything, and it usually doesn’t. It’s just what happens.”

  Emily was relived that Hayden was looking at her hands when she spoke. Averting her eyes, she saw her own incredulous expression of pain in the decorative wall mirror hanging near their table. Hayden still reacted to her physically, but she didn’t want her. She was giving her the brush-off. Hayden thought she was after her like a new puppy. Emily had never chased after anyone who didn’t want to be caught. Her anger rose to the surface.

  “Let me get this straight,” she said. “Our sleeping together was environmental? Our circumstances caused some kind of aberrant behavior that means nothing. Did I understand it correctly?”

  “Emily.” Hayden didn’t like the way she’d been paraphrased. She was trying to give Emily an out, a way to put their encounter in its proper place: in the past. No matter how much she wanted to see Emily again, to touch her, make love to her, she was not going to risk her career for what she knew would not work. Besides, Emily had a partner, even if she seemed to forget that fact when it suited her.

  Emily held her hand up. “Don’t ‘Emily’ me. I’m not one of your little soldiers to be spoken to like I can’t think for myself. I have a brain in my head, a very smart brain, as a matter of fact, and I don’t appreciate having you tell me your opinion of why I did what I did.”

  “Are you trying to deny that we were caught up in the moment? I think we both know that in everyday life, it’s pretty unlikely that we’d have slept together.”

  “Really? Well, let me tell you something. I don’t get ‘caught up in the moment.’ I’m a trained scientist and a grown woman. I make my own decisions. I’m not some helpless female.”

  Hayden started to say something but Emily didn’t let her.

  “Don’t even think of barking some kind of order to me, Colonel,” she continued, determined to make her point. “I had sex with you because I wanted to and not because of something I had no control over. I was attracted to you. You have a fantastic body and I wanted to know what it felt like to make love with you. That’s it.”

  Emily was surprised at the words that came out of her mouth. Where they came from she had no idea, but she was angry, and when she was angry, she spoke first and thought second. It was one of her major flaws. She stood and gathered her purse and keys. She knew her ears were red from anger.

  “Silly me, thinking that we had some unfinished business to discuss. Obviously our interlude doesn’t fit into your perfectly crafted, orderly, military-issued life. Well, that’s fine with me because I don’t need the complication of you in my life, either.”

  Hayden was blindsided by Emily’s speech but spoke very calmly, as she always did when she needed to control her reactions. “I’m sure Michelle will appreciate that.”

  “What?” Emily looked stunned.

  “Michelle. Your partner. You do remember her, don’t you? Or have you conveniently forgotten about her like you did when you were fucking me?” The burn of humiliati
on she’d endured from Michelle still simmered just below the surface.

  Emily’s mind raced. She didn’t remember ever mentioning Michelle. How had Hayden found out? Had she spied on her, as Julia suspected? Was she afraid that Emily would blab to someone in exchange for the Army dropping charges? Had she decided to preempt a potential problem by digging some dirt? Unbelievable.

  “About five-six, red hair cut kinda like Reba McEntyre? That Michelle? You’d better hurry home before she gets suspicious. Or is she used to you going on vacation to exotic places without her?” Hayden’s comments were ugly and she knew it, but she couldn’t help herself. She was hurting and she wanted Emily to hurt as well. “I guess you’re pretty good at inventing excuses, or does she believe every word you tell her?”

  “When did you see Michelle?” Emily asked weakly.

  “When she opened your front door. Actually I think she said it was, quote, our house. But don’t worry, I didn’t give anything away. I have a feeling she knows your little secret. She made it very clear that you belonged to her.” Hayden sat back waiting for what Emily would say next. This was not how she expected their lunch to go, but she was glad that now all the cards were on the table.

  Emily shook her head. “Well, she’s mistaken.” She stared down at Hayden, unable to hide her disappointment and anger. “So this is what you think of me? A liar who cheats on her partner?”

  “Emily, sit down. I didn’t come here to fight with you.”

  “And I didn’t come here to be insulted. Good-bye, Hayden.” Emily turned on her heel and walked past the waitress delivering their pizza without a second glance.

  Hayden didn’t try to stop her. She watched her walk out the door and stand on the sidewalk waiting for the traffic to clear. From her vantage point at the window Hayden could see Emily’s chest heaving up and down, a sure sign that she was still fuming. Her jaw was clenched tighter than her fists.

  Hayden wondered if she was pissed because she’d been called on her infidelity or because she got caught.