“What in the hell has gotten into you? First, you show up here and move back in, and now you are gone every night at dusk and return shitfaced chasing the sun.” He actually sounded concerned. When I didn’t reply, he went on.
“Is this about Ember? Your mother?” he queried, and I had the mind to tell him, to just lay it all out and let him know I was done being a bandwaggoner where he was concerned, I just needed a place to…figure things out.
“No,” I grunted out. God, his voice was like a jackhammer on my head.
“Look...” he began, but I cut him off on what I was sure going to be some lecture of how Kane men had to carry themselves and getting blasted every night was not it.
“Dad, just drop it.”
“But, there are things…”
“Dad, just drop it. If I wanted someone to talk to, I’d talk to my brother. When I want someone to tell me how I’m throwing my life away, I know where to find you. Until then? Get. The. Fuck. Out.” I rolled back over not even caring if he listened or not. I planned on sleeping this off then waking up and repeating the same process over again until things made sense in my life again. I was grasping for things to make sense. About two minutes later, I heard him retreat and the door close softly, but instead of slipping into a hangover-induced sleep, my mind raced with thoughts and images, all of one person.
From the second Ember slammed the door in my face I knew I was making a mistake, hell I knew it when I was breaking up with her, but the thing about guys was that we were stupid muthafuckers who did stupid muthafucking things. The truth was I needed to rebel against all things that were orchestrated by Royce Kane because he was a fake. And if he were a fake, then my whole life was a fake, including Ember. But I also wanted to be close to my mom and since she died in this house I felt like she was around me and would hopefully knock some sense into me sooner or later.
I loved her so much that I lost myself in drink and nameless bitches every night because I hurt her. It had been five weeks and she still hadn’t gone back to work. I had a man at her job, and he told me Ember cashed in all her vacation days and no one has heard from her. I was still paying on the apartment or I’d have thought she’d up and move. It was all I could do not to just pop up and make sure she was okay, which was stupid because I knew she wasn’t. Kyle didn’t think it was strange that I was asking about the whereabouts of my girlfriend. Most people knew that if they saw me, she was not too far from me or vice versa.
People went crazy over us getting together. At first, we couldn’t go anywhere without people gawking and testing me by hitting on Em and shit. I got it: the “prince of dry cleaning” getting together with the “princess of the town” was a match made in PR heaven. As the years went by, people got the hint and left us alone, but that didn’t mean that people wouldn’t talk once word got out that the prince and the princess were no more.
Resigned that I wasn’t going back to sleep—thanks for that Dad— I got up. I spent a longer than normal time in the shower, reminiscing on other times in that same shower when I wasn’t so alone and lost. My phone rang just as I was wrapping a towel around my waist, and I checked the name before sliding it to answer.
“Yeah?” The shower cleared my head a little, not by much.
“Thought you’d like to know Ember came back to work today,” Kyle, the guy who worked at the bookstore/café where she worked, said a little too eagerly. I couldn’t tell if he was excited because he was doing me this favor, or if it was because he was getting something else out of doing this . Some people in this town, people like Kyle, have this six degrees of separation thing going, and they thought Ember and I were the closest thing to small town celebrities , so doing something for one of us, like keeping an eye out for my ex-girlfriend, was like a six degrees of separation type thing in their eyes. For his sake though, that had better be all he’s excited about.
“Thanks Kyle,” I said and ended the call before he had a chance to gush about calling on him if I needed anything else. Honestly, the guy kind of creeped me out, but I was desperate for info, and he was the only person I knew who wouldn’t ask questions since everyone pretty much steered clear of him at work.
I lost myself in wondering how she would act if I swung by there to see her. Would she pretend not to see me or run from me? As much as I wanted the answers to that, I knew that I couldn’t go and see her. I wasn’t usually such a vagina about shit like this, but with her it was different. I fucked up, and in doing so I’d hurt her. And for that I didn’t deserve to see her; I didn’t deserve her.
With those thoughts running wild, I texted Spence to see what bar we were hitting tonight.
Chapter three
Ember
Today was my first day back at work after a month of crying, and I felt weird. Like the world went on without me, and it had, and I was still stuck on five weeks ago. It was strange to smile, although fake, at customers or co-workers or hold meaningless conversations with others. Everything reminded me of Matt, someone’s amazing slate eye color that I thought was only unique to the Kane men, but now seemed to be on every guy who walked into Bookwormz, the bookstore portion of the café I worked in. The color of someone’s hair the same shade of blonde as Matt’s, or the featured song of the day would come on the playlist loop, and I’d be instantly transported back to the time we ran out of gas, totally my fault, in the middle of nowhere and had to wait for road side assistance for almost two hours. That song about the guy loving his girl until they were seventy and how people fall in love had come on about a billion times and after 45 minutes and a backseat quickie, it had quickly become our song.
So it was safe to say that I had a shitty first day back into reality . It was like people sensed something was up with me because not one person asked about Matt, and when he didn’t show up like normal at the end of my shift to take me home, no one asked about it. They said their goodbyes and went on their way. My mantra was just make it through the day, just one day at a time, and I repeated it until I made it through the week, then I had to make it two weeks.
I could tell the third week that word had gotten out as soon as I walked into the store because Kyle, the icky guy that people stayed away from, winked at me, like, winked at me. Every job had that one weird guy who they could see having cut up human body parts in their lunch box one day when the police raided the store. Ours was Kyle Jenkins.
Kyle was a middle-aged, washed up mystery. No one knew how he kept his job; he was such a creeper—not to mention he smelled like hot meat. He stocked the selves and did maintenance in the café and the bookstore, so I could understand smelling bad, but hot meat?
I didn’t think anything of it, but then on my lunch break, Theresa was staring my way with the sad eyes. You know the ones that say I know you just lost the love of your life and I’m so sorry eyes. I looked around and saw similar faces on Ryan, Dacey, and Mike. Then I knew.
Everyone knew.
Suddenly, I couldn’t get out of the café soon enough, I didn’t even have to fake being sick because I was. Something about your secret being spilled when you weren’t ready for it to be will have your stomach turning and your head swimming. It was all very physical, and I hated it. I looked around for a quicker escape than going through the plaza area. When I came up with none— I don’t know why I was looking when I knew there wasn’t one—I took three quick breaths in and let three long exhales out to calm my erratic heart rate.
I could do this; I could be ‘on camera’ like my parents had done that time when that scandal came out accusing my dad of being a drunken abusive asshole. He was an asshole and an occasional drunk, but he never physically hurt my mother, which was what was implied because my mother had fallen down the stairs, drunk no doubt, and gotten a black eye.
I made up some bullshit excuse to Shannon, my boss, and went to the nearest grocery store because when you are humiliated and nursing a broken heart, the only thing th
at will prevent you from self-destruction is chocolate.
In my bag, my phone rang just as I hit the frozen dessert aisle.
“Hey,” I greeted my best friend with what was becoming my normal less than cheery tone. I hadn’t been in the mood to be ‘chipper’ in a long time.
“Hey, I called the store, but they said you left early; are you sick?” Harley asked, and I heard a grumble in the background and knew she was either in Deklan’s lap or close to it. I wanted to lash out at him and tell him that because of his stupid freaking brother I had to leave work because everyone heard what he did and they all felt sorry for me, but one, you didn’t lash out at Deklan and two, well you didn’t lash out at Deklan.
“No, unless you can count my feelings being hurt as sick,” I said, searching the frozen display cases in search of fudge bars. Fudge bars dipped in whipped cream were my jam.
“Why, what happened?”
“Nothing really. But I think the cat is out of the bag with the whole Matt dumping me. I’m pretty sure everyone at Wormz knows and if they know then everyone knows.” I said the last part on a hiccup. I know, I know, why cry over spilled milk and shit right? But the thing was, once everyone knew, it became more real, more…final somehow because now people, well slutty ass bitches, had the green light to step to Matt and not feel like they are doing something taboo. It wasn’t like I’d never noticed the longing looks he’d get or the hated one’s that I’d get hanging off his arm. Three years ago, the women had enough respect for my dad not to publicly go after what was mine. Now? He was a river to all the thirsty bitches far and wide, and I hated it. He wasn’t mine and hadn’t been for eight and a half weeks.
“Oh shit Ember.” Harley breathed out an understanding sigh and then I heard what sounded like a slap followed by a very pissed Deklan. “Babe, what the fuck?”
“Your brother is a dick,” Harley proclaimed, and I said a silent prayer for my best friend; she was a brave, brave woman. I applauded her secondhand anger on my behalf, but even I knew, no one hit Deklan without getting hit back.
“Babe, I couldn’t give two shits about my brother right now, but if you want to talk about dicks…” He trailed off, and I could only imagine what he said or did that I couldn’t hear.
“Deklan,” Harley whispered, and I swore she forgot about me when a moan escaped her. Was I a pervert for wanting to see how long I could listen? Totally. I mean on one hand, I was so happy for her; she’d found someone who loved her for her, baggage and all, but I was also jealous because she got super-hot, although insane, Deklan and I got chocolate and whipped cream.
Living the dream.
“Hang-up,” Deklan commanded, and no more than two seconds later, I got an ‘I’ll call you later Em’. I was left staring at my cellphone with the background screen of me and Matt that I still hadn’t changed yet (don’t judge) in one hand and whipped cream in the other.
To be in love.
Screw love, I though as I went back and got a second box of fudge pops and more peanut butter, because why not? As I was passing the freezer doors, I saw the girl looking back with red-rimmed eyes and a no-one-wants-me expression. I had to admit this was my rock bottom; I needed a do-over on the whole ‘New Me’ thing. This was nothing but a setback, and this was the turning point I needed. Now, it really would be all about the new me.
After I went home and ate like I was going away to fat camp tomorrow .
Half an hour later I was stuffing my face with a spoon full of peanut butter, from the jar, when my phone rang. I wasn’t delusional and thought it was Matt, I wasn’t, but maybe my heart did a little leap into my throat at the possibility that it was someone other than Harley, like my parents. After fumbling for my phone from my bag, I was somewhat deflated when I pressed the talk button.
“Hey Har,” I said dejectedly. It’s not that I don’t like hearing from her, it just that, well, I was hoping, just a little bit, that it was someone else. Not Matt though, new me and all.
“Hey, I just wanted to check on you after…”
“Getting your brains fucked out ?” I quipped. Then immediately covered my mouth like she could see my wide fearful eyes at having used language like that. I was the good one; I never used language like that, but new me, right?
“Whooooa, I’m impressed. Little miss badass are we?” she said, and I’m sure she wasn’t covering her mouth because Harley always used language like that.
“I’m trying this new thing, well, a new me really, and new me likes to swear. A lot,” I stated emphatically.
“Em, a word of advice. Don’t say swear, it makes you sound like you should be in the 1960’s. And don’t cover your mouth when you do say the word fuck; it loses its meaning.”
“I didn’t cover my mouth!” That bitch, how could she possibly know that? She’s acting like she knows me or something.
“Em, really? I know you.”
“Whatever, thanks for the lesson and all, but was there a reason you called?” I griped, letting loose a small smile. It was the first time I had done in it in eight and a half weeks and while it felt strange, it also felt good.
“No, I was just making sure that you were really okay and not...”
“Taking up witchcraft and trying to do a spell to give Matt scrotal cellulitis?” I asked. Not that I looked into that kind of thing or anything. New me didn’t care about Matt. At all.
“Um, okay. Sure. That. I was making sure you weren’t doing that,” Harley said with barely contained laughter, and I shoved another fudge bar into whipped cream and stuck it in my mouth.
“Call Mika; you guys hang right?” she suggested after I explained to her in depth about my new new me plan, not that she had known about the other new me plan. She got it; she knew what I was going through, not so much the whole cry your eyes out thing and eat a gallon of fudge, but she knew what it was like to love a Kane. And even though our only communication lately had been over the phone, which was totally my doing— she had wanted to come and sit with me, but I’d refused, she was still totally helping me. I felt we were part of this exclusive club because I knew what she felt for Deklan was the same thing I felt for Matt if not more and it was just another thing that we could bond over.
Deklan and Harley’s love could only be described as intense. It was powerful and all consuming in a way that and mine and Matt’s love just… wasn’t. I thought we were, and I wanted us to be but...where Deklan was this whirlwind of anger and crazy intenseness, Matt had a different intensity. Our love was intense, just more of a quiet simmer. And while he had the same temperament as his brother at times, it took more for Matt to lose his shit. But when he did? He. Lost. His. Shit. But for Harley, Deklan was it for her and they fit. Cue dramatic sigh.
“Yeah, Mika is okay, but she doesn’t know. Well, she knows now, but she doesn’t know he dumped me like a bad habit, no one does,” I told her, embarrassed. My life wasn’t like my dad’s where everyone was watching my entire move. I was free to do what I wanted as long as whatever I wanted didn’t bring any negative light to the family. So yeah, no one paid any attention to me, but this? This was just the type of small town gossip small towns lived for. Just because this town gave me a cloak of anonymity didn’t mean I actually had it, so the second someone asked me why my loving and prefect boyfriend dumped my ass, which they would, I swear, I will lose it and hello front page gossip.
My parents hadn’t called me to do damage control so I didn’t think they even knew, but they would. God, my parents. My dad was always ‘on camera’ every time he stepped outside, the same with my mother, and when they were home they were on separate sides of the house and rarely spoke. But my dad would be calling soon, not because we had this amazing father-daughter bond and he just knew that something was wrong with me, but because we had a standing meeting, although I backed out on him the past two momths, I’d meet him at some random restaurant, we’d say a few words,
and then he’d sneak out the back with some desperate housewife whose highlight was having an affair with the mayor under everyone’s nose. Imagine the press if that got out? I didn’t even want to know how the hell Deklan had found out in order to pressure me into bringing Harley to him at the hotel.
For as long as I could remember I been my dad’s cover, and at first, it was because, hey I wanted to impress him, and it didn’t matter that he was a bastard for cheating on my mom; she was doing the pool boy, so whatever. Then it became habit than anything, and the fact that this, what they both were doing would tarnish my ‘perfect’ relationship. What if Matt found out and decided he didn’t want anything to do with me because like mother like daughter right? Just because my mom and dad were sluts didn’t mean that I didn’t know the value of a relationship. But even so, unless it reaches him through the gossip mill, my dad would never find out because he simply didn’t care enough to involve himself in my life. Messed up right? Think what you will but at the time anyway I could justify my actions made sense to me.
Harley sighed. “Em, I’m just trying to help, what can I do?” Well didn’t that just make my heart melt? Confession: I thought our friendship was level, thought I had been there for her and stuff. We did the normal best friend thing, laugh and hang out, mostly at work, and I invited her out, although she never went, but I thought that was just her, you know? We had never gotten deeper into heavy shit because I hadn’t thought she had any. Note to self: Everyone has heavy shit. Fact.
And because I was so wrapped up in Matt, I became the world’s shittiest best friend in the history of shitty best friends. Worse than Willow when she tried to kill Buffy after going all dark magic evil! I failed her, and she had almost died. She was my best friend; even though we had known each other for a few years, we didn’t fully know each other. I didn’t fully know about her past, and she didn’t fully know about me. But listen to her now, not giving a crap about any of that and just being there for me every day and every night for all these weeks.
Know Me: A 'Me' Novel (Book 3) (A 'Me' Series) Page 3