Pure as the Lily

by Catherine Cookson

  “By! lass, you look a smasher. What’s that you’ve got on? You smell nice.” Sometimes when she wasn’t wearing scent he would say, ‘you smell nice. “ She regretted at times that she hadn’t married Frank. It wasn’t that she was in love with him, she’d never be in love with anybody again, at least she doubted it very much, and time was flying, but Frank had been nice and patient until that particular Wednesday in March two years ago.

  She’d had to meet him that night to give him her answer. And it was going to be yes. Then, when she was almost ready she had gone into the bedroom to get a handkerchief. The top drawer of the dressing-table was inclined to stick and consequently she always tugged at it. This night she had tugged a little too hard and the whole drawer had come out, and besides the contents spilling all over the floor the drawer itself had fallen on her foot, and she had hopped around the room in agony for a moment. It was as she gathered the odds and ends from the floor that she picked up two envelopes which were as signposts to different periods of her life. One

  held the faded Valentine card: “From a silent admirer.” She had opened it and gazed at the rose. It evoked no sentimental memory in her and she wondered, as she had done before, why she kept the thing. The other envelope held the last two poems Jimmy had written. She had taken these for herself, all the rest of his later writings were in Ben’s possession, as was proper. And as she looked at them, and read them again, she realized for the first time that Jimmy’s hadn’t been the wasted life that she had imagined. He’d had a year of wonderful happiness. Very likely some would say it was wrong what he did in leaving his wife and going off with Lally, but she would never say that. And some would say you always had to pay for doing things like that; yes, they would, and they did say that around these parts. Well, if they were right he had paid. God! how he had paid. He had tried to pull himself together time and time again only to slip back. He’d had no stave to hold on to; she herself had just been a substitute mother and a nurse.

  She, too, had paid for his one year of happiness, and became weary of the struggle trying to prevent him from drinking himself to death. In the end she failed. But did he himself really fail, because towards the end he had seemed to find something. He said to her, T)o you think I’ll see Lally again, Mary, I mean when I die? “ She had not been able to answer him. How could she? She didn’t know. But after he had gone she found two poems, among others, in his drawer, and they were significant of the change in him. One was entitled “ I believe’ and went:

  Where do I go from here?

  Don’t tell me Nothingness, Into which no thought of mine Will flow:

  Dead, dead, deaded flesh Meshed into mushed wood And soil,

  And the power to resist harming human or animal, And the power to forgive ourselves our misdeeds, And the power to resist anything That our deep heart tells us is wrong, And the power to direct our mind To the realization that we are part of a great mystery That will one day be made clear to us, And hope that this will help us to come Near to you and say, In all humility, Thy will be done.

  What struck her about this latter was, he had not translated “As we forgive them that trespass against us’.... No thought of God could erase from his mind the open-eyed deed of evil perpetrated by his mother. Perhaps he had not lived long enough to reach the point when the past becomes hazy, and peace in eternity becomes a bargaining point.

  Anyway, that night, after she had replaced the drawer, she’d had to bathe her foot because it was paining, and as she did so she began to cry. She didn’t really know why, only that the pain in her foot didn’t warrant her tears.

  At nine o’clock, when Frank came on the phone and she said that she was very sorry but she wasn’t coming and that it was no use, his hurt pride had sizzled over the wires.

  Frank had been a widower for four years; he was a healthy sixty, he was about to retire, and the plan was that when they married they’d set off on a world tour.

  The thought of the world tour had excited her, as had his quite grand home in the best part of Westoe in Shields, yet the following morning she did not tell herself that she was a fool. And later, when she broke the news to Ben and he said, “Aw, thank the Lord. Oh I am

  relieved, he was much too old And the power to resist harming human or animal, And the power to forgive ourselves our misdeeds, And the power to resist anything That our deep heart tells us is wrong, And the power to direct our mind To the realization that we are part of a great mystery That will one day be made clear to us, And hope that this will help us to come Near to you and say, In all humility, Thy will be done.

  What struck her about this latter was, he had not translated “As we forgive them that trespass against us’.... No thought of God could erase from his mind the open-eyed deed of evil perpetrated by his mother. Perhaps he had not lived long enough to reach the point when the past becomes hazy, and peace in eternity becomes a bargaining point.

  Anyway, that night, after she had replaced the drawer, i of | she’d had to bathe her foot because it was paining, and as she did so she began to cry. She didn’t really know why, only that the pain in her foot didn’t warrant her tears.

  At nine o’clock, when Frank came on the phone and she said that she was very sorry but she wasn’t coming and that it was no use, his hurt pride had sizzled over the wires.

  Frank had been a widower for four years; he was a healthy sixty, he was about to retire, and the plan was that when they married they’d set off on a world tour.

  The thought of the world tour had excited her, as had his quite grand home in the best part of Westoe in Shields, yet the following morning she did not tell herself that she was a fool. And later, when she broke the news to Ben and he said, “Aw, thank the Lord. Oh I am

  relieved, he was much too old for you. And for the life of me I couldn’t understand what you saw in him ... he was almost pot-bellied,” she had laughed and said, “You’re right.”

  Also, she knew that she would never have forgiven herself if her da had died while she was away jaunting.

  At odd times since, however, she had wondered if she had done the right thing, for in spite of Ben and her da, she was lonely. But once her da went, and God forbid that he should go soon, she didn’t want that, but let her face it, once he went and Ben married and Ben must marry the way would be clear, she would know what she was going to do with herself. For years and years she had longed to be free and to travel. Women travelled on their own, all the time, and she would travel.

  Got ticket, will travel.

  She laughed to herself now and reached out and picked up the book and the chocolates. She would indulge, stuff herself. What did it matter, another inch? She was past caring.

  She had just settled back when she heard the staircase door open and she thought, I bet that’s him come back. Would you believe it? She looked towards the room door as it opened;

  then she swung her legs on to the floor and got up, crying, “Pat! Oh, how lovely to see you, dear. I thought you’d be going home. Come in, come in, you look frozen.”

  “They’ve gone to Scarborough. You don’t mind Gran?”

  Don’t be ridiculous! “ She slapped her granddaughter’s hands.

  “Have you ever bothered to wonder before if I minded? What’s the matter with you?” Then she exclaimed, “Oh, you’re like ice. Come to the fire.

  You’ve just missed Ben. “

  “He’s gone out!... On his own? He’ll get lost.”

  ‘you cheeky monkey. “ She pushed her down on to the couch—” Sit there.

  Get yourself warm. Take your shoes off. I’ll make you a drink. “

  “Thanks Gran.... Where’s great-gran dad?”

  “He’s in bed, he’s had a cold all the week. I had the doctor to him, he’s got to go careful.”

  “Oh! I’ll go in and see him.”

  “No, no, he’ll be asleep now. Just leave him, you’ll see him in the morning. What would you like? Coffee, cocoa, tea?”

  “Tea please.” />
  “Same here.”

  Pat leaned back into the curve of the couch, her shoulders relaxed.

  The tension went out of her stomach muscles, and her feet fell sideways away from each other, and she sighed. This was it. This was what she needed, just to stay here for ever and ever. This was real, understandably real.

  When Mary entered the room with a tray Pat asked, “Have you heard anything more about when you’ve got to go?”

  “No, it could be next week, next month or a year.”

  “Have you found any place yet?”

  “No, I haven’t looked.”

  “Wouldn’t you like any of the places they’re offering? There are some nice flats, central heating, lift, the lot.”

  “No, thank you. Wherever I go I want me own front door. And it’s funny’—she laughed “ I never have had me own front door, only a back one. “

  “Do you fancy any place in particular, like Shields? There are some nice parts in Shields.”

  T)o you know’—Mary stopped in the act of pouring out the tea—”I haven’t given it much thought. It’s very odd, I can’t explain it, but I know I should be looking around because this’—she wagged her head as she looked up ‘could be around my ears in no time. But I just don’t seem to want to bother. It’s just as if, well....” She finished pouring out the cup of tea.

  “Well what, Gran?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, I don’t know, lass. But I’ve got no urge in me to look around.... The fact is I must be getting old.”

  “Don’t be silly, you old! But you’ll have to find some place.

  You and Ben could go into a hotel, but there’s great—gran dad

  “Yes, yes, I know all that, lass. You’re right, I’ll have to think about it or we’ll land up in one of those blocks of flats. Anyway, wherever I go it’ll have to be somewhere near, so’s Ben can get back and forward to the garage.”

  “He can get back and forward to the garage from any place in his car, and the rate he goes it wouldn’t matter if it were John o’ Groats.”

  “Oh, I think we’ll find some place nearer than that.” She laughed now, and as she sat down and sipped her tea she added, “But there’s one thing I’m going to tell you. As soon as he marries I’m going to take a long, long holi....”

  “Has he got somebody?” Pat’s voice was sharp.

  “No, not really. There’s one at present called Irene, but she’s been running a month, so time’s nearly up I should say.”

  “What’s she like?”

  “Small, dark, what you would call petite.”

  “I can’t stand small women, they’re always bitchy.”

  “I’ve known some tall ones who are too.”

  “Oh, Gran!” She laughed, then leant against Mary, and Mary said, “Hie up! look what you’re doing. The tea! over my good frock.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s lovely. What material is it?”

  They tell me angora, dear; and they also told me it was . almost . a model. But what they didn’t tell me, but what I guessed, was that they were stinging me,” ‘you can afford to be stung.”

  “Listen to her!”

  ‘you look lovely in it, anyway. I never look like you in clothes. “

  “I should hope not.”

  ‘you know what I mean. I’m, well, I’m like what great—gran da calls a yard of pipe water. “

  Don’t be silly, you’re fashionable. “

  “Not any more. Gran. Where’ve you been, you can’t get in

  the buses for the busts. Talk about strap hanging; some of them need jibs to support them. “

  They were leaning together again laughing, while Pat spluttered, “But honestly. Gran, you should see Maggie’s falsies; they’re like the old-fashioned pictures of the wartime barrage balloons, you know. I told Maggie that.”

  “What did she say?”

  “Not what you would expect. She said she’d always wished she’d been old enough to be in the war because her mother always talked of the great times she’d had, and her father too. Apparently, they both had the time of their lives. They enjoyed every minute of it, so much so that I don’t think they’ve enjoyed their peace-time life together.”

  “By what you’ve told me I should think this Maggie has the art of enjoying herself well enough at any time?”

  “Oh, she has. She’s got her current comforter in for the weekend”

  ‘on! Patricia. “

  Mary’s attitude changed completely. There was no laughter on her face now. She hitched herself a little way along the couch and there was silence for a few moments, until she said, “I’m not stuffy, you know that. Pat. And I wouldn’t care if they stuck to the one fellow. But by the sound of them, they’re like a lot of half-breed bitches on heat.”

  “Oh Gran!”

  “Never mind, oh Gran. And another thing, I wish you weren’t rooming with that girl.”

  “I won’t be for very much longer.”

  “Oh? Mary turned aa inquiring glance on her. You’ve got another place?”

  “No, no, Gran. Like you, I haven’t any place in mind. I think we’re both in the same boat, and both at sea.”

  “What do you mean?”

  ‘0 . h! I wish I could tell you, Gran. If I could tell anyone, I could tell you. I’m all mixed up. “

  “Some fellow?”

  “Yes, and no. But it isn’t actually; well, it doesn’t really

  concern him. Gran’—she put down her cup, then took Mary’s cup from her hands, saying, “I won’t risk you spilling that again. But... well.

  Gran, I think I’m going to give it up. “

  “Give it up! You mean the University?”

  Yes. “

  But child! “

  That’s it, Gran, I’m not a child, I’m on twenty. “

  “Well, you’re still a child. Twenty or no twenty you’re acting like a child, if you’re thinking of giving up your career. And such a career!

  I could have understood it if you had said this within a few months of you going there, and everything new, but you’re in your second year and doing fine. Your father says you’re doing splendidly. “

  “Oh, don’t get up, Gran, sit still.” She caught Mary’s arm.

  “Yes, as you say, I suppose I’m doing splendidly. But, Gran, I’m doing splendidly at something I don’t want to do splendidly at, if you understand what I mean. I just don’t want to go on with mathematics.

  I’m not a dedicated person, and you’ve got to be dedicated. “

  “Aw, Pat.” Mary now leant back against the couch and stared at her as if to get her into focus, and then she said slowly, “There’ll be the divil’s faggerties over this. You know that, don’t you? Your mother will go mad. You might bring your dad round to your way of thinking, but not your mother. It was the greatest day of her life when you got to the University.” Mary suddenly stopped talking, for her own words were recalling an echo from away down the years. It was her mother’s voice, saying, “Our Jimmy’s got through to the Secondary School. What do you think of that now? And this is only the beginning, he’ll go places, our Jimmy will, I’ll see to that.” When Annie received this news, she would react as her ma would have reacted towards Jimmy had he said he wasn’t going to Teachers’ Training College. But perhaps she was being a bit too hard on Annie, she wasn’t really like her ma. But nevertheless, there’d be hell to pay.

  “What’s brought this about, lass?” She moved back up the couch, and Pat leant against her shoulder again and said, “I

  don’t really know. Gran; there’s so many things. I, I don’t seem to fit in. Perhaps I don’t know when I’m well off, for they come from all parts of the country and consider they’re fortunate to get a place there. It isn’t the University, it’s me, and’—she smiled faintly ‘and I . I suppose my environment, my years around here. “ She spread one arm wide now. This house, the shop, even the district set my pattern, because I was happy here, it was another world ... you, Gran, and great-gran d
a and, you know, although I never met my Uncle Jimmy I felt I knew him because someone was always talking about him. I think Mam loved him in spite of swearing she couldn’t remember him ever being sober. She’s always said if he’d been alive and young today he’d be at University, and hailed for his poetry.”

  Mary shook her head as she said, “It’s odd how blood runs in the family: Jimmy and you going to College, and you’re both from my side, and here am I with as many brains as a flea.”

  “Oh, Gran!”

  “It’s true. And there’s Ben, Jimmy’s son: all he wants to do is work with his hands.”

  The Uncle Jimmy went off with a woman, didn’t he? Ben’s mother, and they weren’t married. “

  “Who told you that? I’ve never mentioned that to you.”

  No; Mam did. “

  Mary just stopped herself from saying, “She would!”

  Does Ben know? “

  AYes, yes, he knows. He was just turned six when his dad died. But by then he knew that his mother was the most wonderful person in the world, and it made no difference when he found out later that she and his dad hadn’t been married, because he knew that his da adored her, and that’s the only word for it. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I know I never will again, the love that was at ween Jimmy and Lally. “

  “But mam said they called her Doo-lally-tap, Gran, and that means...”

  “I know what it means, lass.” Mary shook her head now and her voice was sharp.

  “And your mother had no right to say that. It was a nickname that her husband gave her, like you’d say to anyone—aw, you’re doo-lally-tap, or up the pole, you know, and it just stuck to her. Lally was no more doo-lally-tap than you are. She was gentle and simple, wise simple. Some people don’t understand simplicity and kindliness and gentleness, they take it for softness, daftness; they think you’ve got a slate missing if you don’t hit back at them. People are cruel, women are cruel. Oh aye, Pat, remember that’—she wagged her finger ‘women are cruel. Seventy—five per cent of women in my estimation are bitches tall and short, an’ that’s being kind. But for the rest’—she gave a wry smile now ‘for the other few, they’re lovely, and Lally was one of the lovely ones. Jimmy used to say she was fey, and that fey people dangled between eternities past and death. I’ve never really been able to work that one out.”