Keeping Her

by Allie Everhart

Shelby goes out the door.

  I follow her. "Are you not talking to me either?"

  She turns to me. "I shouldn't be. But I will because you're helping my dad." She stares at my face. "You look like shit. It hasn't even been a day and you already look this bad? Damn, you really love her."

  "She's my wife. Of course I love her. Now would you tell me what she said?"

  "She didn't say much. She mostly cried." Shelby rolls her eyes. "I knew this would happen. I knew you'd hurt her."

  "I didn't intend to, but you know I have secrets to keep."

  "Which is why this will never work. You can't lie to her for the rest of your life."

  She starts to walk off but I hold her arm. "Did she say she's leaving me? Just tell me."

  "She said she needs time to think. But she's really upset, Pearce, even more than when she found my earring. And don't bother calling her. She said she won't answer your calls."

  "Can you talk to her for me? Please, Shelby. Tell her I'm sorry and that I'll explain everything if she'll just let me."

  "Why would I tell her that? It's just another lie. You can't explain anything to her. You'll just be telling her more lies."

  I let go of her arm and stand back. "Like you're lying to Logan?"

  She chews on her lip. "Yeah. Fine. But I didn't marry him, now did I?"

  "You're still dating him, knowing he wants to get serious."

  "We're not talking about me. We're talking about you. How are you going to fix this?"

  "By talking to her, but she won't—"

  "You really think you can keep this going? Lie for your entire marriage?"

  "I will handle it. And how I do so is none of your business. This is between Rachel and me."

  "She may not take you back." Shelby zips her coat up as the wind blows around us.

  "Just please talk to her for me. Convince her to come back to the loft. I don't want her staying here. Tell her if she comes home, I won't bother her. I'll stay in the guest room."

  "She won't do it. She doesn't want to be anywhere near you right now. I have to go." Shelby runs off to her car.

  I want to go upstairs and knock on Rachel's door again, but I know she won't answer. She needs more time. I'll come back tomorrow. And the day after that. I'll keep coming back until she answers. I'm not giving up on her. Or our marriage.

  She came into my life for a reason. We met because we were supposed to. And we didn't make it this far for it to just end.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  14

  RACHEL

  I haven't seen Pearce in almost a week. I haven't talked to him either. The first few days after our fight he called me a million times, but I wouldn't answer. And he came to my door, but I wouldn't open it.

  Then he gave up trying to contact me and now I haven't heard from him in days. It's Wednesday and my parents are coming here Friday for my graduation, which is Saturday. They fly home on Sunday and then on Monday, Pearce and I are supposed to leave for Italy for our honeymoon.

  Now I don't know if that will happen. I don't know if Pearce is even coming to my graduation. I know I should talk to him, but I don't know what to say. I can't be married to someone who constantly lies to me. I can't be with someone I can't trust.

  I talked to Shelby after I left the loft that day. She heard me next door and came over to say hi. She saw what a mess I was, so she stayed and we talked for hours. I told her how Pearce had been lying to me and how I felt like I couldn't trust him.

  Part of what she said stuck with me and I keep thinking about it. She said that Pearce wouldn't hide stuff from me unless he had to, and that he'd never do it to hurt me. I know she's right. He would never purposely try to hurt me. He loves me. So then why would he hide things from me?

  After we talked, Shelby tried to convince me to talk to him, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to. I'm still not.

  But I miss him so much. Being without him, I feel this overwhelming loss, like part of my heart is missing, and it only gets worse the more time goes by. I want to run back to him and be with him, but then what? Would he just keep lying to me?

  I've been trying to keep busy the past few days to keep my mind off Pearce. I've spent most of my time applying for jobs, mostly around here, but I also applied for one in New York. But then I couldn't send the application. Sending it felt like I'd given up hope on my marriage, so I couldn't do it. The envelope is addressed and stamped but remains on my kitchen counter.

  I've also spent time over at Shelby's house, sitting with her father and talking to him. He looks worse now than he did just a week ago, but I try to keep his spirits up by telling him funny stories or some of the corny jokes I used to tell on my tours. He always smiles when he sees me and thanks me for coming over, but his voice is so weak it's hard to hear him.

  There's a knock on the door and it startles me.

  "Rachel." It's a man's voice but it's not Pearce. "Rachel, it's Logan."

  Logan? What's he doing here on a Wednesday night? He's usually in town on Tuesdays and Fridays. And why isn't he with Shelby?

  I open the door. Logan has on jeans and a brown leather jacket. He looks really tired, his eyes heavy.

  "Logan, where's Shelby?"

  "At her mom's house. Can I come in?"

  "Yes, of course."

  He steps inside and I close the door. "Shelby wanted me to tell you in person."

  "He died." I bring my hands to my mouth as tears fill my eyes.

  Logan nods. "Yes."

  I hug him, even though I don't know him that well. But I'm a hugger and I can't help myself. And I'm sure Logan could use a hug. I know he wishes he could've saved her father and feels bad that he couldn't.

  "Is Shelby okay?" I ask, letting him go. "I mean, obviously she's devastated but…"

  "She's having a rough time. She knew this was coming but she wasn't ready for it."

  "Do you have to go back to Boston tonight?"

  "No, I'm staying here. I need to be here for Shelby." He looks down at the floor, scrubbing his hand over his jaw.

  "Logan, can I ask you something?"

  He looks up. "Of course. Go ahead."

  "Are you serious about Shelby? Or is this something…casual?" I didn't know how to say it. I probably shouldn't even be asking.

  "I would like it to be serious, but Shelby isn't ready for that." He pauses. "Or maybe she doesn't want that. It's hard to tell with her."

  "But I thought—never mind." I thought Shelby wanted something more serious, but I guess not. I wonder why.

  "The funeral will be on Monday if you'd like to attend," Logan says.

  "I'd like to, but I won't be here Monday." As soon as I say it, I remember that Pearce and I probably aren't going on our trip. I'm sure he canceled it.

  "Shelby's mother is going to the funeral home tomorrow to work on the arrangements. Shelby didn't want to go so I'll be home with her. We'll be at the house. If you and Pearce would like to stop by, I'm sure she'd appreciate it. Maybe in the morning, around ten or eleven?"

  "Yes. Of course. Tell her I'll be over."

  He does a quick scan of my apartment. "Is Pearce here?"

  "Um, no." I guess Shelby didn't tell him what was going on.

  "Well, you can tell him the news. I should get going." He turns to leave.

  "Wait. Logan?"

  "Yes?" He turns back around.

  "Would you mind calling Pearce?" I quickly shake my head. "No, forget it. I shouldn't be asking you to do that. I'll call him."

  "Are you and Pearce not speaking?" He puts his hand up. "Sorry, it's none of my business."

  "It's okay. And no, we haven't spoken for a few days."

  "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you two can work things out. Pearce has changed completely since I knew him back at Harvard and I'm sure that's because of you. So I hope it works out."

  "What was he like when you knew him before?"

  "Well, as you know he was married at the time but it wasn't a good marriage. He wasn't happy
with her, or with himself. As a physician, I would've diagnosed him as being clinically depressed. He had all the signs. He was very withdrawn. Didn't sleep much. Didn't look forward to things. Drank too much. But given his life, that's understandable."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Pearce was under intense pressure from his parents, especially his father. Holton set such high expectations for Pearce, expecting him to always do everything perfectly. Has that changed at all?"

  "No. His father is still that way."

  "That's too bad. But at least he has you. You've obviously had a very positive effect on him. He seems like a different man. I can't believe how much he's changed. Anyway, I should get back to Shelby."

  "Yes, go ahead. Tell her I'm thinking of her and that I'll be there tomorrow."

  "I will. Goodbye, Rachel."

  I need to call Pearce and tell him what happened. But once I hear his voice, I'll want to go see him and hug him and tell him how much I love him. Because I still do, even after he lied to me. And I want to forgive him, but not if he's going to keep lying to me.

  I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to leave him. I don't want a divorce. I love Pearce and I want a life with him. So what are we doing? Why are we apart? How is this helping us?

  I pick up the phone and call him. I need to talk to him. This fight needs to end. We need to work this out.

  The phone rings and rings but he doesn't pick up. I lean against the kitchen counter, my eyes tearing up. I just want this to be over. I want us to be together again. It's the holiday season, my favorite time of the year, and I should be spending it with Pearce. Right now, we should snuggling by the fire with the Christmas lights all around us. I smile as I think of Pearce's face when he first saw all those lights I put around his loft. He had this huge grin on his face, like a little kid. He was so happy.

  Logan's right. Pearce was someone else before I met him. He's changed so much the past few months. He used to be so sad and serious and stressed. I don't want him to go back to being that way again. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy too, and right now I'm not, because we're not together. God, I miss him so much.

  There's a knock on the door. "Rachel. It's me."

  The voice is deep and low and just the one I wanted to hear. My heart jumps to life at the sound of it.

  "Rachel, if you're there, please open the door."

  I race over and open it. Pearce is standing there, with no coat, even though it's freezing out. He's wearing jeans and the black polo shirt he bought the first time I made him go shopping. It looks good on him the way it stretches over his broad shoulders and muscular chest. I feel a tingling heat stirring inside me. I've missed him that way too.

  He's looking at me with sad, regretful eyes. Without saying a word, he takes a step forward and brings me into his arms.

  "Pearce," I say quietly.

  "Please, don't," he says quietly back, his arms tightening a little. "Don't pull away. I need this. I just need to hold you. I need to feel you next to me."

  When I first met him, he was so uncomfortable being close like this. He used to hesitate before holding my hand. He told me he'd never even had a hug, at least not a real one. And now he's hugging me, holding me, craving the closeness.

  He rests his head on mine. "This can't go on. We have to talk about this."

  "I know."

  We slowly break apart, then go inside the apartment. He sighs and shakes his head as he looks around the room. It does look pretty bad compared to Pearce's loft. The walls are cracked. The paint's peeling. I never noticed how run-down this place was until I came back here.

  "You shouldn't be staying here," he says. "This isn't your home anymore. The loft is ours, not mine, and you need to be there. You need to be home."

  I want to agree with him because I feel the same way, but I want to hear what he has to say first. I go and sit on the couch, but he sits on the chair that's next to it.

  "I don't know where to start," he says, his gaze on the floor. "I feel like nothing I say will make this better or change anything."

  That's not what I wanted to hear. I want him to tell me why he lied and that he won't do it again.

  "Pearce, why did you come over here?"

  He looks at me. "Because you're my wife and I love you. And because I can't take another second of being apart from you. This separation, or whatever this is we're doing here, it needs to end. This past week has been one of the worst weeks of my life. You wouldn't talk to me. You wouldn't see me. I know you said you needed time alone, but this has gone on long enough and I'm not letting it continue." He pauses. "We're married, which means that even if we're arguing, we should be together, under the same roof. You can't run off like this. If you do, it just tells me you don't want this." He swallows. "Us."

  I didn't think he'd say that. It's almost like he's already considered that might be an option.

  "Is that what you want?" he asks quietly. "Are you telling me this is over?"

  "I need you to explain yourself. I need to know why you can't tell me the truth."

  He closes his eyes and squeezes the bridge of his nose. Then his eyes open again as he takes a deep breath. "You were right. I should have told you about Jack. But even looking back, I don't think I would've told you right away. I don't think you would've kept seeing me if you knew I had people in my life who would spy on you like that."

  "Pearce, you can't assume how I'm going to react to things. That can't be an excuse for you to lie."

  "Well, we can't go back in time and find that out, so let me just say that I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I knew Jack."

  "What about the wedding? Why don't you want me involved in it?"

  "The wedding is not for us. It's for everyone else. And I don't want you wasting time planning something that is just for show. It's a media event. It's something I'm expected to do because of my name. I have to have this big, elaborate wedding and invite hundreds of people, most of whom I either don't like or don't know. And if everything's not perfect on that day, people will talk. I'm not saying you couldn't plan a beautiful wedding. I know you could. But this is more than a wedding, and it will take a staff of people working around the clock from now until March to get it ready." He reaches over and takes my hand. "Rachel, I would love to give you a wedding. One that's for us and the people we actually care about. The Vegas wedding was an embarrassment and I feel terrible that that's all I was able to give you. So we'll do it again, and you and your mother can plan the whole thing. We could even have it in Indiana. You could invite all your friends. Invite the whole town if you want. Or we could go to an island and get married on a beach. Whatever you want, I'll do it."

  "I don't want another wedding. And I understand what you're saying. I just wish you would've explained it to me instead of making up a lie." I pull my hand back from his. "I also wish you'd told me about having that man watching over me when I'm at the shelter."

  He nods.

  "Are you going to keep doing this, Pearce? Are you going to keep lying to me?"

  "I can't promise you that I will never tell another lie. Married couples don't always tell each other everything. Ask your parents. I'm sure they have secrets they haven't shared with each other."

  "I don't care what they do. We're talking about us, not them."

  "You'll never keep something from me? You'll always tell me everything?"

  "Yes. Of course I will."

  "When I walked in here just now, I noticed something on your counter. It looked like an application for a job in New York. Were you going to tell me about that?"

  I glance back at it. "No, I wasn't going to tell you, but I never sent it, so it doesn't matter."

  "It matters because it means something. It means you thought of leaving me."

  "I was just angry. That's why I did it. And part of me wanted to know if they would even call me back. If they thought I was good enough."

  He leans forward and puts his hand on my arm. "Of course you're good eno
ugh. You're better than good. Those New York museums would be lucky to have you."

  "Pearce, I need to be able to trust you, and I don't feel like I can when you keep lying to me." He doesn't say anything, so I continue. "I'm not going to put up with it. You are not going to lie to me and you are not going to cheat on me."

  He shoots up from his chair. "What the hell are you talking about? I have never cheated on you!"

  "Not now, but how do I know you won't in the future? Everyone keeps telling me that rich men like you always cheat. Like it's just a given and that I have to accept it."

  "Who said that?"

  "Victoria. And your father."

  "And you're choosing to listen to them? The two most deceitful people on the planet?" He walks around to the back of the couch. "Men cheat. So do women. It's a fact, and it's true for many of the men I know, including Royce and my father. But I am NOT them! I wouldn't even THINK about being with another woman. Ever! And I'm disappointed that you would believe otherwise."

  "I didn't say you would cheat. I know you wouldn't. I just…" I sigh. "Can we go back to what we were talking about before? I need to know you're done lying to me. So are you?"

  "Yes." He looks at the floor as he says it. His head is down, like he's embarrassed and ashamed. It reminds me of how he looked when his dad was putting him down at the restaurant that night. But it's not the same. I'm not the bad guy here. Pearce did this to me. He lied. I didn't. So I'm not going to feel bad about this.

  "Pearce, say something."

  "I shouldn't have done it. And I'm sorry." He lifts his head and looks at me. "I don't like lying to you, Rachel. And when I did, I felt sick inside."

  "Then why did you do it?"

  "Because it's what I've been taught to do." He sighs and drops his head again. "It's all I know. My whole life is a lie." He takes a breath. "Just one big fucking lie."

  I don't understand what he's saying, but I can tell he's not lying right now. I can feel the emotion in his words and the heaviness in his tone. He sounds angry and frustrated. Angry with himself for being this way and frustrated that he can't seem to change. And he sounds tired. Tired of living this way.

  "What about your life is a lie?" I ask.