All That's Left

by Ward Anderson

  Steven takes a long pull on his beer and looks out at the street. The rain is letting up a bit. He runs the towel through his hair and attempts to dry off a little bit. Then he tosses the towel on the table next to his beer and shakes his head.

  “I don’t care,” he says finally.

  “What?” D.Wash asks.

  “About her past. About any of that. I know that that’s the thing a lot of guys would be upset about.”

  “Maybe most.”

  “Whatever. Any man in my place would’ve fallen for her, as far as I’m concerned.”

  “But . . . ?”

  “But everything has been one lie after another. Do you understand that?”

  D.Wash nods slowly. “I guess so.”

  “You said that everybody knew, right?” Steven points a finger at D.Wash.

  “Right.”

  “But she made sure I didn’t know. Not about her past. Not about Nez. Nothing.” Steven takes a sip of his beer. “Not even about what happened to Scott.”

  D.Wash lets out a long, hard sigh and rubs his hands over his eyes. The look on his face seems to say “I told you so,” but Steven knows he’s too smart to actually say anything of the sort. Instead, D.Wash crosses his arms and leans forward on the table.

  “My man,” he says, “you were just some guy we knew about from Scott’s stories of back home. You lost your brother, and we all lost a friend. It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, and I don’t know if any of us handled any of it the right way at all. And I include Scott in that, you know.”

  “Why didn’t I see it?” Steven asks.

  “Because you didn’t want to,” D.Wash says.

  “This is why she’s in so much debt.” D.Wash nods. “A lot of money, man. It takes a lot of money to look that good. That perfect.”

  The two of them sit in silence for a few minutes and listen to the rain as it trickles to a stop. Steven looks at his watch. Dania will be getting off work soon. He’s supposed to meet her. He said he’d walk down to the Riverwalk and that they could go to dinner together before she went to her gig at The Cocktail Room. Now he thinks about just disappearing. He wonders if he can go straight to the hotel, then off to the airport. He thinks about leaving and never speaking to her again. He thinks about just getting up and leaving Singapore behind. The twenty-plus-hour flight home will give him plenty of time to wallow in this. Plenty of time to get over her.

  But part of him really wants to stay. He wants to hear her tell him the truth. He wants her to tell him everything.

  He wants to tell her he’s in love with her. And he hates the fact that he’s sure he is.

  The pretty bartender walks over and puts two more beers on the table. Before walking away, she gently runs a hand down the back of D.Wash’s head. He looks up and smiles at her as she blows him a quick kiss. Steven watches her as she walks back toward the bar and can’t help but wonder how many things his brother and D.Wash had in common.

  “I told you not to get involved with her,” D.Wash says. Steven nods at him, and the two of them sit a while longer without saying anything.

  18

  Steven holds the umbrella over his head, even though it’s barely raining now. He’s still soaking wet from just a couple hours earlier, but he stands as if the tiny amount of rain still falling will make it worse. He keeps pushing his hair back over his head with his left hand while holding the umbrella with his right. Off in the distance, he watches people walking toward him and tries to spot Dania.

  He’s waiting right where he said he’d be. Right in front of where people usually bungee jump and squeal as they plummet to the earth. No one is jumping today, and the entire ride looks abandoned, as if it has been years since it was last open. The outdoor cafés along the Riverwalk are empty, and all of the restaurants and bars have pulled their sandwich boards inside. A few random people are walking in the rain, but the area mostly looks abandoned.

  Behind him, cars zip past, splashing water up onto the sidewalks. It’s surprisingly quiet here, despite the fact that there are still tons of people hiding inside, waiting for the rain to completely stop.

  After what feels like an hour of standing there—but is only about ten minutes or so—Steven notices a familiar figure walking up from the distance. He sees Dania in her tight black skirt and form-fitting white blouse. She’s holding a tiny umbrella over her head and adjusting the small purse around her shoulder.

  She looks beautiful.

  As she gets closer, she looks up and notices Steven standing there. She stops for a second and tilts her head to one side, as if she’s making certain that it’s really him she sees. When she’s certain that it’s actually him, she smiles and waves her right hand in the air. He can see every one of her teeth and her bright red lips as she gives him the same sultry smile she’s given him several times before.

  He doesn’t smile back.

  Steven stands there, motionless, holding the umbrella over his head. The blank look on his face can be seen from across the city. He makes eye contact with Dania, and she keeps her waving hand in the air. She continues to smile but, when he doesn’t return it, she slowly lowers her hand to her side and tilts her head to her left. Her long hair falls over one shoulder and behind her back. It’s still perfect, despite getting a little wet from the light rain that is still falling.

  She can tell that he knows.

  Her smile fades quickly and, even from this distance, Steven can see the creases form on her forehead. From a good twenty feet away, Steven can already see her mood completely changing. She raises her hand and covers her mouth and then looks over her shoulder to see if anyone is watching. Then she bobs her head slightly and covers her face. Steven stands there for a moment and watches her.

  After what feels like more than the thirty seconds it probably is, he slowly walks over to where she is standing. She has her head down, and he can see her shoulders shaking a bit as his umbrella touches hers. This close to her, he can almost hear her breathing as she looks down at his feet. When she finally looks up at him, Steven is surprised at how pretty she still looks, despite the fact that she looks as if she may cry.

  “I’m sorry,” she says to him. Steven realizes she’s apologizing for being upset and not for lying to him. He reaches over and touches her cheek. It surprises them both how gentle he is when he does it. He has been thinking for a while now what he would say, but, seeing her like this, he realizes nothing he prepared is going to come out. Instead, he just touches her cheek and lets their umbrellas bump into each other a few times.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks quietly, feeling his throat close up as he speaks.

  “Do you really have to ask that?” she says. She seems almost angry. As if he has just slapped her across the face.

  Steven stands there for a few seconds without saying anything. He looks around as if there are people watching them, even though they are the only two people standing out in the rain, next to the river. Two people loitering next to the bungee jump.

  “The boy in the photo,” he says finally. “It’s you.”

  Dania doesn’t nod, but her look tells Steven that he’s right.

  “You took it from my hotel room,” he says, realizing he left an extra key card on the nightstand.

  She nods. “It doesn’t belong to you. It’s mine.”

  “Did you give it to Scott?”

  “No.”

  “How did he get it? From Nez? Did Nez give it to him?”

  “Are you crazy?” She seems offended. “Nez doesn’t want people to know.”

  “People do know.”

  “But it’s not like anyone announces it. Jesus, you think that would help me? That it would help Nez?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “How did you find out?”

  “Doesn’t matter. How did Scotty get the photo?”

  “He found my parents. He knew that we don’t talk anymore. He wanted to visit them.”

  “In London?” Steven asks.


  “Yes. He didn’t tell me he was going to do it. I had no idea.”

  That’s what the money was for, Steven thinks. Music and a trip to London for two. Something to help the two of them start a new life together.

  “He wanted to take you to see them?” he asks. “To meet them?”

  “He wanted to marry me. He wanted to tell them and get their blessing. It was just some crazy idea he had. He thought he was helping.”

  “What did they say?”

  Dania sighs and adjusts her umbrella. A single tear falls from her left eye as she looks up and, for the first time, into Steven’s eyes. “They sent him the photo,” she says. “They said they didn’t have a daughter. They only had a son. And that he was dead.”

  Steven feels a sting in his own eyes and realizes he hasn’t felt like this since he looked at Scotty’s dead body at the morgue. Something about this doesn’t feel like he expected it to when he thought about it an hour ago. He thought he would be angry with Dania and that he would scream at her. Now, seeing her crying, listening to her and realizing what it all means, he only feels pity.

  And she really does look beautiful.

  “Is that when you told him?” he asks.

  “I don’t tell anyone. It’s not their business.”

  “But he knew.”

  “He knew almost from the start.”

  “You didn’t think you should tell me?”

  She looks up at him angrily. “Did you tell me everything about your past?”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Only because you’re ashamed of yourself for being with me now.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Would you still be saying that if we’d had sex?”

  “Is that why you didn’t?”

  “I wouldn’t sleep with anyone without telling him everything first.”

  “Is that why you told Scotty?”

  “You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes,” she scoffs harshly, and gives him a look that might as well be icicles shooting out of her eyes. Steven notices her hand clench around the umbrella. He wonders for a second if this is a conversation she’s had before with other men.

  “I might not have had sex with you,” she says through clenched teeth, “but don’t pretend for one second that I haven’t loved you.”

  “It’s different,” he says.

  “No. You just think I’m different. If I had never told you, you never would have known or cared about my past. You would have just gone home to Canada and never spoken to me again, and we’d both just have the memory of this time together as being wonderful.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “It’s just like that,” she says. “This has been amazing, Steven. But where was it really going? Surely you’ve thought the exact same thing, that this was a beautiful thing but only temporary?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Don’t you?”

  He stands there and looks over her shoulder. None of this is going as he planned, and he can’t seem to get the words to come out right. He’s not sure how it happened, but he feels as if he’s on trial and can’t quite figure out what crime he committed. The smell of her perfume is in his nostrils and part of him wants to bury his head in her hair right there in the middle of this sidewalk.

  “I haven’t figured it all out yet,” he says quietly, “but I was hoping there was something, yeah. Some kind of future.”

  “You really are sweet,” she says. “But you really are naïve.”

  “And had I never asked, you would have just kept me in the dark?”

  “Maybe,” she says, and looks down at her feet, “but everyone who does know only winds up being miserable.”

  “Including Scotty?”

  “Stop.”

  “You should have told me,” he says.

  “Why?” She looks up at him. “Then this would have only happened sooner. At least I got time with you. This brief and wonderful and terrible, mixed-up thing we have may be twisted and unusual, but at least it’s something. If I’d told you everything, you’d already be back home in Canada.”

  Steven looks at her for a full minute before he speaks again. “That’s not true,” he says. “I don’t care about your past.”

  “Please—”

  “I care about the fact you lied to me.”

  “It wasn’t a lie.”

  “Not about that. About everything else. About Nez and Scotty and all of it.”

  She looks over her shoulder and away from him, anything to keep from looking into his eyes. There are no tears there, but she’s obviously holding back a million thoughts and emotions as hard as she can. Steven wonders if, like him, she’s one second away from running away and one second away from embracing him at the same time.

  “I never thought any of this would happen,” she says.

  “That I would find out about all of it? Everything?”

  “That you would even be here.”

  “You thought I’d leave.”

  She shakes her head. “I never thought I’d fall in love with you.”

  Steven knows this is where he would normally tell her he loves her, too. This is where he would tell her that all is forgiven and they’d throw their arms around each other and live happily ever after. The sun would come out and they’d bungee jump together and—holding hands the entire way down—plummet happily to earth. Instead, he says nothing at all.

  “And now you’re ashamed,” she says. “What do you think? That you fell in love with a man? Does that scare you, Steven?”

  “Stop saying that. I don’t care about that.”

  “Of course you do.”

  Dania looks at him and tears well up in her eyes again. Steven isn’t sure if he wants to hold her or push her away. Part of him wants to touch her face and feel her warm tears on his fingers as he tells her everything is okay. Then he can tell her he can forgive her and that she’s still the same woman he fell for, and then he can prove to her that her past doesn’t matter to him.

  And then he walks away.

  “Where are you going?” Dania says to him as he turns and walks away from the river, toward the busy street up ahead. Steven says nothing, but simply keeps walking.

  “Steven!” she calls to him, but he pretends he’s not listening. If he does listen, if he stops even for a second and lets anything she’s said seep in, he may find himself admitting that she’s been right all along. Her voice gets louder, deeper, which almost makes him cringe. He doesn’t look back. He just keeps walking away. He realizes again he’s not good at being a teenager in love, especially in his thirties.

  “Steven, wait!” she calls out again, and he can hear her starting to cry. It’s harder this time, and Steven can hear her doubling over as she does it. He hears her umbrella hit the ground as she lurches over or walks forward. He can’t tell which one.

  “STEVEN!” she screams this time. To Steven it sounds like she has just been shot. It sends a cold snap like an ice pick into his spine, and he wheels around to see if she is okay. It’s the most terrified she has ever sounded, and the scream almost scares him out of his wet shoes.

  It was a warning.

  Steven turns around just in time to see Nez pull back a fist and send it squarely into his face. Where the little bastard came from, Steven can’t say, but the fist to the jaw sends him back a few steps and causes him to drop his umbrella. Raindrops pelt his face at the same time the stinging pain of Nez’s punch kicks in. Steven shakes his head and pushes his hair out of his eyes just in time to look up. It’s at that moment that another punch connects with his left cheek.

  In the background, Dania is screaming, but Steven doesn’t really hear her. He is too busy trying to catch his balance and stop the ringing that suddenly fills his ears. He thinks he sees his open umbrella on the ground next to him and, for a split second, thinks about grabbing it to use as a shield. Before he can do anything, he feels his arms being pulled tightly backward, behind his back. They feel as if they ar
e about to be broken.

  Nez’s bodyguard is behind Steven, yanking his arms back as tightly as possible. Steven can barely keep his balance as he realizes that he’s being propped up for another round of punches. They come quickly and harder than expected. Nez isn’t a big man, but he knows how to throw a punch when the target is standing still. Through blurred vision, Steven can see the brass knuckles wrapped around Nez’s fist. Each time they connect with his face, Steven feels as if he is being hit by lightning.

  “Now you get it,” Nez says, grabbing Steven by the jaw and spitting in his face. “Not so funny now.”

  The next blow sends blood pouring out of Steven’s nose, and tears begin welling up in his eyes. Steven sees a bright flash of white before he shakes off the pain and catches a glimpse of Nez pulling back his fist for another go-round. This time, Nez gives him a good one square in the chest. The sound of the impact tells Steven it hurt them both. He gasps for air as Nez massages his fist and moves the brass knuckles to the other hand. The bodyguard is laughing and still holding Steven back. Steven feels his legs growing weaker even as he hears Dania yelling at Nez to stop.

  There is another punch. Then another. First comes one to the stomach and then another to the kidneys. Each one feels harder than the last.

  Steven uses what is left of his strength to try and pull free from Nez’s bodyguard. But he can barely stand and feels as if his arms are about to snap. Another punch from Nez almost knocks him out, but he manages to shake it off long enough to see Nez smiling at him. His grin looks evil. Nez is laughing loudly, and the bodyguard laughs with him. Nez pulls back his fist for one more blow. Steven is clear-headed enough to know that this one will finish him off.