by B. R. Myers
Susan was practically dancing on the spot. “She’s our best bet for the cup.”
“I agree.” He brought the cup up to his mouth and took a sip.
Transfixed, I watched the steam circle around then slip into his mouth.
“Jessica?”
I whipped my head in her direction. “Sorry?” I stammered.
She patted the empty glass case. “Twenty long years,” she sighed.
“Um…there’s no time for proper training.” I pulled that out of the air.
“Don’t be nervous,” she said. “We have all kinds of athletes here that will help you.”
“No, sorry.”
“No?” Kirk said.
I studied his face. He knew I had success in track and field. Was he going to tell her? My heart hammered inside my chest, waiting for him to say more.
Susan tried again. “What if we had Spencer run ahead of you on the course, and you could chase him? You seemed to enjoy that.”
“It has nothing to do with chasing Spencer, or anyone else…I just…I just don’t run anymore.” My grip tightened on the arms of the chair, turning my knuckles white. “Is there anything else?” I asked.
She clasped her hands as if in prayer. “Will you think about it?” she asked.
“I can’t.” I stood up on shaking knees. “I’m sorry.”
I quickly left her office, hoping to disappear into my closet/bedroom. The fact that Cabin 4A was my refuge proved how pathetic the day had been.
Clumps of kids were milling around on the darkening lawn. A familiar posture caught my attention. I couldn’t escape yet, I had some apologizing to do. I took a deep breath and walked down to the beach where he was sitting on one of the canoes.
“Hi,” I said.
Devin jumped up and glared at me. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m so sorry,” I began. “I never meant—”
“Shut up! Someone will hear.” He ran a hand down his face and took a few steps back. “Listen, we’re not a couple. We’re nothing.” His Adam’s apple rose and fell. “I wish I’d never met you.”
My pulse was still racing from my episode in Susan’s office. I shifted my feet in the sand, wishing my knees would stop shaking. “He stole my diary,” I finally said.
He held up a hand. “It doesn’t matter. No one would believe anyone would want to kiss you anyway. You’re nothing but a bitch.”
He sniffed then brushed past me. After a few steps he broke into a jog and disappeared into the shadows.
My cabin hated me. Devin hated me. Kirk only hung around when I was in the most embarrassing situations. Welcome to my summer of hell. I was beyond crying. I felt numb, actually, except for the familiar knot in my stomach. The issue with Devin proved one thing that I’d been lying to myself about.
It didn’t matter what I did to make up for my mistake. This was my punishment. I couldn’t be mad at Spencer or Devin or even Kirk. The truth was, I didn’t deserve to be happy. Old Jesse died with Dad, and there was nothing I can do to bring either one of them back.
EIGHTEEN
I promised Mom that I would only call in case of an emergency, and vice versa. She wanted me to have complete privacy without feeling obligated to check in. I think we were both worried we might cry over the phone. I sat at the desk in the counsellors’ lounge and logged onto the computer. Chloe had sent a quick reply to my last email.
Dear Jesse,
Your mom was on the local cable yesterday talking about backyard BBQ parties. I DVR’d it for you. She looked great!
It sounds like the camp is crawling with cute guys. You are so lucky!
Devin seems like he needs some work. But don’t be discouraged, it could be a smart investment with high potential for large returns (if you know what I mean!)
I find it interesting you wrote two full pages on this Kirk guy you can’t stand and only two sentences about Devin. Hmm? You always did like a good challenge on the track ;). You can take the girl out of the competition, but you can’t take the competition out of the girl!
Sam and I had our second date, and that, my friend, is worth ten pages! Which I will save for the next email. Also, Ben was asking about you.
Ben? Oh, right—Dill Pickle, the hot lifeguard.
I promised I would let you know. So, I’m letting you know. I think he’s hoping for an invitation to Kamp Jesse. What should I tell him?
I drummed my fingers on the desk. Ben hadn’t really been that bad. Maybe if he’d been drinking vanilla chai tea, his kiss would have been much better. Then, instead of thinking about Kirk, I would be anticipating a weekend with Ben.
Thinking of Kirk!
I rubbed my forehead. Get a grip, Jesse.
I wrote a quick email with a few details about my run tonight with Spencer, making sure to keep it light and funny. I was still performing as the grieving but coping teenager. Then, just for the hell of it, I added I’d like to see Ben if he would be so inclined to press his hot lifeguard smile against my lips.
I logged off the computer and jogged down the steps, planning on locking myself in my room. Out of the shadows four figures ambushed me, flattening me against the grass.
“J.J.!” they screamed.
“Leave me alone,” I moaned.
They grabbed my hands and pulled me up. “We won!”
I scrunched up my face. “What?”
Liam said, “The judges said it was genius to use a pretend diary.”
“A pretend diary?” I repeated. Thank. You. God.
“And the running all over the grounds,” Scotty said.
Duff signed as Liam interpreted. “And how you acted all mad and stuff.”
“Okay, so you weren’t really acting,” Spencer said. “But we let on you were.”
I stared back at them. “You won the talent contest?” I asked.
“No,” Scotty smiled. “We all won. Cabin 4A means you too.”
I studied their vibrant faces. One wanted to be noticed. One wanted to have friends. One wanted a summer romance. One wanted to belong. And I wanted all of those things.
Cabin 4A was more excited than a group of girls on prom night. I had never seen them so giddy. A knock at the door revealed four pizzas, a thirty-inch flat screen TV, and video games.
“Just Jesse,” Kirk smiled, putting down the TV. “Congratulations.” His shirt rode up when he bent over, giving me a three-second glimpse of that strong, tanned back again.
“It was mostly Spencer’s idea,” I mumbled. I stepped back and tripped over one of the boys’ sneakers. Spencer gave a big smile, pleased to take credit for anything that brought him attention.
Soon the sound of screaming zombies and gunfire filled the tiny room. Two of the pizza boxes already lay empty—the boys were garbage trucks.
Kirk had stayed to make sure they set up everything properly. “You’ve got it for two more hours,” he said, leaning against the door frame. “Enjoy.” He tipped his ball cap and started to leave.
“Hey,” I said, opening up a new pizza box, “at least take a slice.” Food tastes better when it’s shared. And so what if he has milk chocolate eyes?
He chose pepperoni and motioned toward the porch. “Have it with me outside,” he said.
“Um…okay.” I grabbed a veggie slice and followed him, secretly hating how my heart was keeping the rhythm of a techno dance song.
We sat on the steps, looking at the moon reflecting off the lake. Kirk still hadn’t said anything, and I was aware my chewing seemed to echo across the lawn.
His silence was freaking me out. “So, yeah…” I began. “I can’t believe the guys won.”
“You won too.”
“Sort of.” I peeled off a mushroom and popped it into my mouth.
He looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Spencer came up with th
e idea, huh? All by himself?”
“Mmm,” I nodded, suddenly interested in the pattern of the wood on the steps.
“Okay,” he grinned. He took the last bite of crust and leaned back, resting his elbows on the step. His wrinkled button-up shirt was untucked. I pictured him bare chested in his room, looking for a shirt to put on, his tanned hands groping the laundry strewn about.
My mind raced. Think of something smart to say. Think of something funny to say. Think of something, anything, instead of staring at this guy!
“Are you sure about not running?” he asked.
That brought me slamming back to earth. “Yes,” I said.
“Yes, you’re sure, or yes, you’ll run?”
The pizza tasted like sawdust. I swallowed, hoping it wouldn’t come back up. “I’m not running,” I finally answered.
His face was full of hope. The words tumbled out quickly. “You seem fast, and this might be my last year here. I’m just saying it would be really great if…”
I stood up and hugged my elbows, feeling chilled. “Thanks for bringing the prizes.”
“Oh…yeah,” He stood up after me and narrowed his eyes, confused by my reaction. “I’ll be back for the games.”
“Awesome, thanks!” I gave him a big fat fake smile then walked through the boys’ party to my room.
After everything that had happened today, I was more upset by Kirk wanting to have pizza on the porch only so he could ask about the running.
Devin’s words repeated in my head. Who would want to kiss you?
I stood in front of the small oval mirror on my wall and leaned close. I was nothing outstanding. Chloe always made my eyes look better with makeup. I had been perfectly happy being a jock, never worrying about that stuff.
There was a light tapping on the door.
Scotty stood there. “There’s someone to see you.”
Devin, I thought. Oh god. But it wasn’t Devin waiting for me on the porch.
“Hey, Jazzy.” Lacey smiled. “Since the boys are having this thing…” she paused, then looked around at the pizza boxes and dirty socks strewn about. “Um…maybe you’d like to escape to our cabin for a bit?”
I spent the next two hours having my nails done, hair crimped, and various layers of powders and creams applied to my face. I chewed pink bubble gum and listened while the girls filled out love quizzes in their magazines. Lacey’s cabin was much larger and even had curtains on the windows. Her own bedroom was actually a room, not a closet.
It was like some kind of alternate universe. Everything was clean and smelled fresh. No one burped or farted. None of the girls called each other names like “meat stain” or “dick breath.”
The girls began to ask me questions about the boys.
“Do they talk about us?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Do they think I’m funny?”
They don’t care.
“Did Liam notice my hair today?”
He noticed your boobs.
I was like a visiting dignitary from a newly found continent, and they were the explorers, hungry for answers about my mysterious tribe. Lacey was a great host and I started to think I had misjudged her.
“Girls are so much easier,” she whispered. “I don’t know how you stand those boys.”
When I was sure the horror fest at Cabin 4A was over, I thanked the paleontologists and returned to the boys. Kirk was in the room with them, playing the last round. They all stopped talking and stared at me.
“What?” I asked.
“You look like a girl,” Liam said.
I hadn’t even looked at myself before I left Lacey. The makeup suddenly weighed a ton on my face. I probably looked like a clown. I stood back and held the door as they gathered up the video games.
Each boy took a piece of equipment and helped carry it back to wherever the secret treasures were kept. I couldn’t even look Kirk in the eye.
I took in our messy cabin. “I look like a girl because that’s what I am,” I whispered to the walls—a good comeback but a little too late.
There was a small cough from the porch. It was one of the cupettes.
“Hey there,” I said.
She twirled her blond ponytail. “I wanted to see you in person…like privately.”
“Oh?”
“Right, well, um…I’m sorry you didn’t find your necklace. In crafts this afternoon, I made you one.” She held out a little box decorated with plastic gems and glitter glue.
“Thanks,” I said. “Sorry, what’s your name again?”
“Diana,” she said. “But I mostly get Diane, everybody seems to leave off the ‘a’ at the end.”
“That must be frustrating.”
“Yeah,” she laughed.
I turned the bejewelled case in my hands, examining the detail. “This is so awesome, thanks.”
“Your name is on it,” she said, “just in case you lose this one too.” She stayed on the porch, and snuck a look through the window.
“The guys are returning the video games,” I told her.
“Um…could you maybe do me a favour?” She gave me a pink envelope folded a few times. “Please give this to Liam.”
“Okay. Do you want me to tell him it’s from you?”
“No. He’ll know.”
I heard familiar joking and turned to see my boys walking across the lawn. “Wait and give it to him yourself,” I said. But she had already started running back to her own cabin.
All four arrived, pushing and shoving. As the first three went into the cabin, I took the last twin aside, so the others wouldn’t see.
“Here,” I put the envelope in his hand and leaned in close. “A cute blond from Lacey’s cabin dropped this off for you.”
He frowned at the pink envelope. Then, just like his admirer had done, he snuck a quick look inside the cabin. I’m sure he read that note five times before going inside. I couldn’t help but smile when he blushed and gently put the letter in his pocket.
I sat on my bed and opened my new jewellery box. I blinked a few times, realizing the universe has a wacky sense of humour. The colourful beads were meticulously knotted in place. I ran my fingers over the big letters in the middle, spelling my name: JAZZY.
Putting my necklace aside, I looked at my diary, wondering what I should leave out from this entry. I decided that would be useless, and that there was no point in writing in it anymore. Damn it. Spencer had even screwed that up for me. I threw it onto my duffel bag in the corner, and got ready for bed.
My feet kept the rhythm, my arms were the tempo, and my breath was steady and sure. My ponytail streamed out behind me. The sun was warm on my face.
“Feet and lungs, Jesse,” Dad called out.
I knew I was dreaming. I ran for hours, it seemed, without ever getting tired.
“Hey, Legs!” Grandma was beside me, handing me a dish of deep fried ice cream.
I woke up, trying to hold on to the feeling of running. It was the freedom I missed as much as the wind through my hair.
I grabbed my bathrobe and snuck out the window, avoiding the stench of my little men. Barefoot, I ran through the dewy grass and left footprints to the end of the dock. Krystal Lake perfectly reflected the shore line, spreading out in front of me.
My dream about Grandma reminded me of her list. The last week had been a gruelling test, and now I felt like I was doing this to prove a point. And just like Chloe reminded me, you can’t take the competition out of the girl.
Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
The bugle call wouldn’t wake the campers for at least another hour; I’d have the whole lake to myself. I dropped my bathrobe, slipped out of my underwear and soccer T-shirt, and dove in before I could change my mind.
Holy crap. The water was freezing!
I fo
rced myself to stay in and tread water. As my muscles warmed up I began to relax. I planned to stay close to the dock, but the float was too tempting, the risk too exhilarating to ignore.
My strokes sliced through the flat surface. The water was refreshing, making me feel alive. I stopped swimming and tilted my face toward the sky, stretching out my arms and legs. I floated on my back, tits up to the sun, like Da Vinci’s Vitruvian man.
It. Was. Awesome.
Completely calm, I slipped under the surface, then came up on the other side of the float. The sound of bubbles made my blood freeze.
Oh god! It’s a huge eel looking for food!
I watched in horror as the bubbles grew larger. Surfacing just five feet in front of me was a mask and snorkel. The milk chocolate eyes were unmistakable.
NINETEEN
Kirk pulled the mask off his face. Tendrils of black hair framed his expression of shock. “Hey,” he said.
This was not a dream. This was not a test. My brain sent a zillion messages to every part of me all at once. I screamed and splashed like I was in the middle of a piranha feeding frenzy.
“Pervert!” My fists flew through the water sending waves of lake towards him.
“Just Jesse!”
“Shut up! Close your eyes!”
“Stop,” he gurgled.
I screamed over the white water. “Turn around! Turn around!”
“You’re going to wake everyone.”
An audience would not be good. I stopped punching the lake, and the water gradually calmed between us. He swam back a few feet.
“What are you doing out here?” I hissed.
“What am I doing? You’re naked!”
“Shut up!”
“Shit!” he laughed.
“Turn around, jerk.”
He complied, and I stared at the back of his head wishing he were Lewis.
“Now what?” he asked, slightly turning towards me.
“Stop that,” I said.
“I’m too far away to see anything.”