by B. R. Myers
I squinted. If I couldn’t see his body, then he couldn’t see mine. “Don’t move,” I said. I dove down to check; nope, nothing but haze. I resurfaced and put a few more feet of water between us.
He faced me again. “Any ideas?” he asked.
“Oh god, just disappear.” I felt like crying.
“Okay.” He began to put his mask back on and pretended to dive under the water.
“NO!”
He smiled again, then said, “Make up your mind.”
I looked at the dock. My small pile of clothes was so far away. “This is the plan,” I said. “I’m going to swim back and get dressed while you go on the other side of the float.”
“That’s not safe. You might get a cramp on your way back and drown. If I’m on the other side of the float I won’t be able to see you.”
“That’s stupid. You’re out here by yourself.”
“Am I?”
Oh shit.
I scanned the water around us, waiting for someone else to surface. “Who else?” I asked.
“Just the eels.”
“You jerk!” I began to splash again.
“Keep it up if you want an audience waiting for you when you reach the dock.”
I began to shiver. “I have to get out.” My teeth chattered.
“Are you okay?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m naked and freezing.”
He waved a hand toward the ladder. “Do you want to lie on the float and warm up?”
“Stop it!”
“We can work on our tans, and talk for a while. You know, this is the longest conversation we’ve had.”
I shot him a look. “I guess I figured out the secret to keeping your attention.”
“You always have my attention.”
I tried to ignore how that sent a thrill down to my toes. “Of course,” I huffed. “You wouldn’t want to miss the next embarrassing mess.”
His chocolate eyes widened. “I can’t wait to find out what happens next!”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“All right,” he said. “We’ll swim in together, this far away from each other.”
“You first,” I grumbled. “And no mask.”
He held the mask and snorkel in one hand and began to swim to the dock. I was right, definitely a swimmer. I followed at a safe distance. After a few strokes, he stopped and waited for me.
“What?” I said. “Keep going.”
“Maybe you should hold the mask, you know, to remove temptation.”
“Just keep swimming.”
“Are you sure? ’Cause I could get naked too, then we’d be even.”
I thought of the diary and eel episodes. “I think you owe me more than a peep show,” I challenged.
His voice sounded ridiculously smooth. “What did you have in mind?” he teased.
“I’m freezing, Kirk! Hurry up!”
He continued the front crawl, easily reaching the dock. I held back, taking in the scene of him dripping in his swimming trunks. Make that his clinging, very low rise swimming trunks. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair a few times, making it shaggy and loose…and okay, I’ll admit, sexy. He grinned back at me as if he could read my mind.
I motioned to the lawn. “You’ve had your fun,” I snapped. “Now go away. I’m getting hypothermia.”
“What if you trip, hit your head, and become unconscious…”
“Go!”
“Okay, okay.” He walked up the dock, not looking back.
After a quick scan at the cabin windows to make sure all the blinds were closed, I lifted my naked self out of the water and tugged on my bathrobe.
He was waiting for me at the end of the dock, a towel around his neck, still looking in the opposite direction. My soccer shirt and purple underwear were in a bundle in my hand.
We started to walk over the grass together. “I’m wondering,” he said, “do you go out for a swim every morning?”
I pulled my robe tighter. “That was my first and last.”
“Lucky me.”
“Shut up,” I grumbled. Just once I’d like to be the one who isn’t being humiliated. I headed straight for my window. Baby wanted to go back to the corner now, please.
The weather turned ugly. Heavy rain with thunder and lightning kept everyone inside for the next few days.
“Guess water safety is a no go again today!” Spencer gloated as he looked at the downpour from the front porch.
I stood beside him wearing my best scowl, but secretly I didn’t care. My only motivation for the class was the fact that he seemed so against it, and therefore, I thought it proper punishment. But the constant rain was punishing all of us. We suffered through a day full of tennis lessons against the walls of the multipurpose room, and arts and crafts until I thought the guys would die from boredom. Finally, the next morning, the storm let up. We were slotted for soccer but the field was too muddy, so I made a decision.
“Let’s go on a hike,” I announced at breakfast. “I’m desperate to get outside.”
The boys actually thought I’d come up with a good idea, especially Duff, who seemed to be taking extra care with his hair.
“It’s still kind of raining out, you know,” I said. He ignored me then put a notepad and pencil in his pocket. He glanced at my wrist and raised his eyebrows.
“Jazzy’s got a new bracelet,” I said. The homemade necklace was too long, but I found that after wrapping it around my wrist a few times, it made perfect bangles. “Diana made it for me,” I said. A smile played on his lips for a moment.
“Very pretty,” he signed.
I guessed he meant the girl, not the bracelet. I worried about the budding romance between his brother and Diana. But maybe guys dealt differently with stuff like that. Devin hadn’t even acknowledged I still had a pulse, let alone took up space. I’d become invisible, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little. Maybe my kissing wasn’t so great either.
The boys and I hadn’t been out of the cabin for two minutes when the cupettes appeared.
“We’re going on a hike,” Spencer said, leaning over the porch railing. “Do you want to come?”
“Excuse me,” I said. “I’m the counsellor.” I looked at the girls. “So, are you coming?”
We had to wait another ten minutes for them to get ready. I took a small amount of satisfaction that Lacey hadn’t bothered to schedule anything for her girls and was my tagalong for a change. When we entered the path to the woods, she joined me at the back of the pack, letting the hormones pair up ahead of us.
“So, how is it with the boys?” she asked, making her usual lemon face when discussing my charges.
“Normal so far today.”
“Boys are so hard. I can’t believe you didn’t quit after the eel incident.”
“Yeah, well. I like sushi.”
“You’re such a good sport, Jazzy. My girls think it’s awful how they treat you and what they say about you.”
This was new. “Say about me?”
“Oh, never mind,” she said. “Boys are stupid.”
“What do they say?”
She waved her hand through the air. “Just the usual.”
“Lacey, this is really fun. Stop jerking around.”
“God, you’re so vulgar.” She flicked back her ponytail.
I wanted to say that she would have peed her pants on her first day with these guys, let alone manage to win a prize for the cabin. But I didn’t. Instead I kept my mouth shut, hoping she would do the same.
Lacey lowered her voice. “They talk about how you’re so athletic, and you know, kind of macho.”
“So?” Where the hell is she going with this? I felt like I was being bullied.
She continued. “And how you hang out with L
ewis a lot. They just wonder.”
I laughed. “Lewis and I are not a couple,” I said.
“No, of course not,” She leaned closer. “They think you’re, well…sort of butch.”
I caught my foot on a tree root and almost tripped. “Butch?”
“Gay, Jazzy,” she whispered. “The boys think you’re gay.”
I shouldn’t have felt hurt, but I was. I wondered if Kirk thought this too. “I’m not gay,” I said, with more conviction than intended.
She gave me a pitying look. “The first symptom is denial.”
“That’s grief,” I snapped back. The familiar heaviness settled in my stomach, taking me out of the conversation.
Lacey, confident she had managed to make me feel like crap, spent the rest of the hike with one of her girls. I lagged behind, wishing we’d stayed indoors.
The stupid fog of depression clung to me for the rest of the day. I barely said more than two words through the ping-pong tournament (Cabin 4A came in last), and I kept missing my turn during the mini-mysteries card game. They finally kicked me out of the circle, banning me to the arts and crafts table. I stared at a pile of macaroni and glitter glue, fighting the tears as Chloe’s voice echoed inside my head, asking for a belt.
I was failing so badly.
At supper that night, Scotty brought my attention back to something even more pathetic.
“Um, J.J.?” he said. “Kirk keeps looking over here.” He squirmed on the bench, watching my reaction.
Since the rain began, I had only seen Kirk at meal times. His tan lines were giving me sleepless nights. As much as I tried to fight it, I kept replaying that morning on the lake. But Kirk hadn’t continued the flirtations.
What was I supposed to do? Sashay across the room, stare him down and say, “I’m ready for you to get even”
It felt weird to even look his way. So I didn’t.
“J.J.,” Scotty prompted again.
I sneaked a peek at Kirk’s table, only to see him talking to Tyler. “You guys need to tidy the cabin for inspection,” I ordered, barely making eye contact around the table. I then proceeded to poke at my meatloaf for the next fifteen minutes.
When the usual burping and grunting that accompanied all my meals with the boys had been replaced with silence, I looked up and realized I was all alone.
“Thanks, guys,” I muttered. I took my mauled but hardly eaten supper to the front of the room and waited in line to drop off the tray.
“Just Jesse.” Kirk had just dropped off his dirty dishes and was making his way back.
My posture responded on its own and so did my heart. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Stupid pulse.
I wanted to show him I wasn’t embarrassed, that I was completely in control. And if I felt like swimming naked, that was my choice. “So…” I said. “You saw me naked.”
“Oh,” he laughed. “I forgot all about that.” He looked down at my plate. “Are you sick?”
I gripped the tray, trying to remember how freeing it had been to go skinny dipping, how strong and confident I had felt. “I wanted to tell you that I’m ready for you to get even.” There. I said it.
“What?”
Oh shit. Obviously he’d forgotten.
“Kirk.” Lacey appeared at his side. “Let’s go.”
“Just a sec,” he said. Then he turned back to me. “What did you want again?” he asked.
I swallowed a stone the size of me head. “Um…it’s not important,” I said.
Lacey leaned forward with wide eyes. “It’s not something about the boys again, is it?” she asked.
I shook my head and forced a smile. “No,” I said. “It can wait. I have to check on my cabin, anyway.” Then I added, since I’m so clever, “They’re supposed to be cleaning.”
“Okay,” Kirk said. “We’ll talk later then.”
“Bye, Jazzy.”
I watched the two perfect, beautiful people walk away. When they reached the door, he put an arm around her shoulder. So that’s his type, I thought. I felt more naked than ever.
TWENTY
Grandma told me self-pity is an indulgence, only to be enjoyed for short periods of time. Too much and you start to think you’re the victim; too little and you lose your drive to change what has you so upset in the first place.
“Where do you think gumption comes from?” she said.
I sat on the porch steps determined to feel sorry for myself for exactly half an hour and then send an e-mail to Chloe. I couldn’t tell her how I was falling apart. All I wanted was news from home. If Mom and Grandma were doing fine, then I’d have to suck it up and keep my end of the bargain. Besides, Chloe wants Old Jesse back. I still hadn’t figured out how to pull that off.
Liam came out of the cabin, followed by Duff and Spencer. “We’re all done,” he announced.
I imagined everything pushed under their bunk beds in a heap of dirty socks and underwear. “Good,” I said, pretending to be satisfied. I had no intention of sticking my hand under their mattresses. “The clipboard had you slotted for tug-of-war with Cabin 8,” I told them, “but half of them have the flu.”
Liam looked quite happy with this turn of events. “Let’s go down to the beach,” he said. The other two jumped over the railing and hustled down the slope. Liam paused and shifted his weight a few times. “You can watch from here,” he said.
I rolled my eyes and waved him off.
The cupettes sauntered past—the real reason, I guessed, for the boys’ sudden call to shore. Diana gave me a wave and I pointed to my bracelet, giving her a wink. The groups met on the beach. The first awkward hellos were followed by a burst of laughter, as the goof of the group broke the tension with some stupid gag. The goof, as always, was Spencer.
Scotty came out, but instead of running to the beach like the others, he sat down beside me. He tapped his foot a few times. “Hey,” he finally said. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you’re a girl, right?”
My confidence was soaring. “Yup.”
“What does a girl mean when she says she’s fine, but she says it like she’s really mad?”
I was ready to give him a sarcastic answer, but his expression was so sincere I knew he wasn’t teasing me. “It means she’s mad,” I said. “And the fact you don’t know what she’s mad about makes her even angrier.”
Scotty tugged on the bottom of his T-shirt and stretched his leg out a few times. “How do you find out?”
“Ask, or keep saying nice stuff about her until she feels better.”
“Oh.”
I caught him staring at the others. “Is that why you’re not down on the beach?”
He shook his head, but I could see the blush. I tried to think of what Grandma would say to him. Then I wished she were here to help me. Kirk had me so frustrated and confused. I’d never been so obsessed over a guy.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Scotty asked again.
I rubbed my cheeks to disguise the sudden blush. “I’m fine,” I lied.
We shared a moment of silence.
Scotty scratched his head then cleared his throat. “Um…is this a test?”
I laughed.
He smiled. “You’re a good counsellor, J.J,” he said.
My face grew hotter. The compliment touched me more than I expected. “Thanks,” I said. “You know, you’re the first person to say that.”
He gave me a confused look. “Really? Not even Kirk?”
“Oh please, he only notices when I screw up.”
“He thinks you’re doing a great job.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Then why is he always asking me if I want to quit?”
“That bothers you?”
I paused. “It’s like this,” I began to explain. “With a girl,
a compliment goes a long way. And it would be nice if he said, ‘Good job not letting the boys drown or kill someone today,’ that’s all.”
Scotty chewed on his lower lip. “So when in doubt, compliment?” he asked.
“Exactly.”
We watched the activity on the beach as he mulled over my advice.
“If you like him,” he finally said. “You should tell him.”
My mouth dropped open. “I do not like him.” I thought for a few seconds. “It doesn’t matter anyway, he’s with Lacey.”
“No, he’s not,” Scotty said. “Lacey has a boyfriend. She talked about him on the hike. He used to be a counsellor here.” He stood up and ran a hand through his hair. “Thanks for the advice,” he said.
Meeting adjourned.
When he reached the beach, he singled out the dark-haired cupette with the pale blonde ends he’d shared the canoe with. I guessed the compliments were flying her way.
Later, after the boys were tucked in and holding their nightly farting contest, I sat in the lounge reading Chloe’s most recent email. Funny how she can pick out things I hadn’t even recognized, but once she pointed them out to me, they were obvious.
Dear Jesse,
Even though you had to chase down your diary with a crowd of hot guys watching (send pictures please), the fact you were running again is so exciting!!!
You spent three paragraphs describing the feeling of the grass under your feet.
Your grandma said you have gumption with a capital G.
She gave me a few tidbits of news from town, and how her summer job as a busgirl at the Queen’s Galley was going, but it was the last sentence that made my heart race.
P.S. In case you haven’t unpacked everything yet, your runners are in the side pocket.
My runners. The surge of energy I had felt chasing Spencer that night came back to me. It was the first time I had run since the morning Dad died. I thought something bad would happen if I ran again. I never confided this to anyone, even Grandma.
I was afraid to run.
I didn’t think I deserved to run.
But something in the back of my brain clicked. The euphoria was almost dizzying. I could get my life back. I could find Old Jesse.