Sleep Keeper

by Wilcox, April

  I pulled into a parking space and turned off the engine. The lot was unusually quiet. I sat in my car, trying to work up the courage to get out. Ten minutes later, I reluctantly climbed out of the car and went into the library.

  Before I could hide at my desk, a small crowd of concerned coworkers surrounded me, asking if there was anything I needed. I gave the polite thank yous and no thank you’s, waiting patiently for everyone to disburse so I could focus my attention on work.

  Finally I was alone. I turned on the computer and waited for it to load.

  It felt strange sitting here. Different. Maybe it was the long absence… or the pictures of Mitchell scattered across my desk. I held my breath as I quickly gather them and put them in a drawer. The thought of him staring at me all day freaked me out. It was bad enough I couldn’t get him out of my head.

  Once the computer was ready, I grabbed the pile of returned books and began scanning them in.

  “Hi honey.”

  I turned toward Mandy’s solemn face peering down on me. After everything I had experienced these past few months, I looked differently at my old friend. Instead of a lighthearted beaut, I saw an egocentric crone leering over me. I forced out a half-smile with pressed lips and crossed my hands in my lap. She sat down next to me and I turned my chair toward her, being polite.

  “How are you holding up?” she asked. Her voice was drenched with pity, not sympathy, which was rather irritating.

  “Um, I’m okay Mandy,” I replied flatly.

  “The whole thing is just so terrible. I called a few weeks ago but your mom said you weren’t up for talking… I nearly cried myself to sleep when I found out what happened,” she said as she placed her hands on mine.

  I pulled my hands away in disapproval at her artificial demeanor. She noticed my reaction but I doubt she recognized the reason. She removed her hands and shifted nervously in her chair. A moment of awkward silence slipped by and she entwined her fingers in her hair, gently stroking it.

  “So, I’m sorry I didn’t come to the funeral. Robert and I got into a huge fight and… well, you know how that is. I hope you aren’t mad,” she whined.

  Her comment stung as I thought about the fight with Mitchell. “I didn’t even notice Mandy,” I muttered.

  “Oh… uh, good… Um, let me know if there’s anything you need, okay? I’m here for you. Robert and I are here for you,” she added.

  Robert and I. Mitchell and I. The words felt like a knife to my heart. Tears sweltered to the surface and I fought to keep them down. Holding my breath, I nodded and turned my chair back to the computer, as if to continue my work. Mandy paused for a moment, then rose out of the chair, pulling down her skirt, and strode away. When no one was watching, I hurried to the bathroom and let myself cry for a few minutes.

  The rest of the day was uneventful, yet the anxiety inside never ceased. I ate lunch in my car so I could be alone, and took several walks outside throughout the day. The crisp air calmed my nerves a little and gave me the strength to force myself to keep going.

  I stayed at work until four o’clock then grabbed my purse and quickly left, praying no one would stop me to talk. My plan worked and I headed through the traffic back home again. I pulled into the garage and walked into the empty condo… alone… something I hadn’t done since the day after Mitchell died.

  The house was quiet. I walked through the bedroom and into the closet. Mitchell’s clothes were still hanging on his side. I turned away, changed out of my work clothes quickly, and then hurried into the living room. I sat in the dim room, listening to the continuous ticking of the clock and the sporadic settling of the floorboards. It was too quiet. I wondered if I would ever be used to the stillness of an empty house. I flipped on the television for background noise. Just then, my phone rang.

  “Hello?” I answered.

  “Hi honey, I’m just finishing a few things up here and should be heading back over soon to make you dinner,” Mom said.

  “Actually Mom, how about we go out to dinner tonight?” I suggested, wanting to get away from here.

  “That sounds like a wonderful idea. I’ll be over by six,” she sang. The excitement of my so-called-recovery was beaming from her voice. This made me less enthusiastic about the idea.

  “Okay Mom. Bye,” I grumbled, already regretting it.

  After dinner at a diner around the corner, I released Mom from her babysitting duty and told her that she could sleep at her own house tonight. She reluctantly agreed with the condition that I call her first thing in the morning.

  I crawled into bed that night, eagerly awaiting sleep. For the first time in a while, I looked forward to something. I closed my eyes and allowed all my thoughts to be filled with memories of Orion.

  What is he was doing at this exact moment? Does he know what happened in my world? Does he miss me the way I miss him or has he forgotten about me by now?

  A flood of questions ran through my mind as I tried to calm them down enough to fall asleep, but it was no use. Every hour for half the night I glanced at the clock impatiently… until eventually I felt myself drifting away.

  Suddenly, I jumped from the sound of the blaring alarm. I darted my eyes around the room, confused. It was morning and once again no Orion. A fresh wave of sadness filled my chest.

  Why wasn’t I dreaming? Was it all a dream? I mean, a real dream? It couldn’t have been! Could it? Maybe Orion is choosing not to see me?

  My stomach began to twist and a sharp pain shot through my head. I took several quick breaths and pushed all my thoughts aside, leaving only enough brainpower to function through the day. I crawled out of bed and began getting ready for the day.

  My second day back on campus felt just as awkward as my first. I ran into more people than the previous day, perhaps thinking one day of space was enough; or maybe feeling obligated to talk to me. I followed the same routine and focused all my energy on catching up with my studying to keep from going insane.

  Mom met me at my house after work and we had a quiet dinner together and then watched a classic movie. She drove back home after, and I was again nervous and excited to see Orion. But once again, I woke in the morning without dreaming.

  Heading to campus the following morning, and the thought of being there was torturous. My new outlook on life was fading fast. It was all stemming from the possibility of seeing Orion again, and that reality was fading fast. I felt ill. Instead of turning the corner, I drove straight to the freeway and headed toward the beach.

  Two hours later, I reached the shoreline of Bodega Bay and pulled off to the side of the road. The salty cool breeze passed through the open window. My stomach twitched with anxious butterflies at its salty scent – a vision of Orion’s beach flashed by. I stepped out of the car and crossed the gravel toward the beach, yanking off my shoes and rolling up my pants along the way.

  The sand was cool against my feet and the keen wind blew shivers down my arms. I looked upon the gray sky; wet air sprinkled my face. Seagulls squawked from above as the waves smashed against the shoreline. I sat down on the sand and turned my head towards the wind, trying to deter my hair from whipping across my face. I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to keep warm and closed my eyes, picturing the warm sunny beach from my dreams. A barking dog ran past and brought me back to my chilling reality. I opened my eyes and shivered. Sighing, I stumbled back to the car.

  Driving home in a coma, I approached the last stoplight to my street, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn. I drove forward, my destination unknown. I couldn’t go home; too much emotion lingered there. I wanted to drive away and never look back… but I knew it didn’t matter where I went. The emptiness would follow. The only place I wanted to be was the one place I couldn’t. I was stuck in my own hell; stuck in this foreign world of desolation. Swirls of sorrow filled my throat and I began to cry. Even after everything I had gone through this past month, I felt more alone than I ever had. I wished I were dead; at least then the pain would cease…
/>
  The downpour of tears blurred my sight, forcing me to pull into the nearest parking lot. I dropped my head against the steering wheel and wept until there was nothing left inside of me. When I finally peeled my tear and snot soaked face from the steering wheel, I cracked open my burning eyes and tried to dry them with the front of my shirt. Something moved outside my window that caught my attention. I watched a dragonfly hover over a yellow rose a few feet away. Its shimmering blue and green body moved elegantly as it performed its aerial acrobatics past my window. Its beauty reminded me of the creature I caught a glimpse of in the forest. I watched its delicate wings effortlessly caress the air. I reached out through the window toward it. My fingers tingled as I extended my hand closer. In a blink, it disappeared into the sky. Maybe in this harsh world there exists a touch of connectivity, even if I couldn’t always feel it. I wiped away the remaining tears and studied the garden further.

  Where was I?

  I spotted a church sign nearby. I was parked in front of a Christian church whose double doors were open and inviting. I climbed out of the car and drifted toward the entrance, pausing at the steps. I hadn’t been inside a church since I was a child. Mom was Christian and wanted Jeremy and I raised Christian as well; however, Dad was anything but religious and insisted we find our own spiritual path. For a few years, Mom won, but as I got old enough to resist, she eventually gave up and I stopped going. I never missed it, probably since I stopped at such a young age. Besides, I didn’t think I needed to sit in a church to pray, and I didn’t need to bind myself to a religion to be spiritual.

  For some reason, though, I slipped through the entrance and sat on a bench at the back of the nave. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be there; I wasn’t familiar with church rules. The elaborate room was empty except for a few stragglers, some who looked as lost as I. I pushed aside my apprehension and hung my head in prayer, silently begged for forgiveness.

  I’m sorry I disappointed you! I never meant for anyone to get hurt... I wish I was strong and could control my desires, but I can’t… no matter how hard I try, I can’t get him out of my mind! Like a drug, I’m intoxicated. It consumes me… eating away my soul and leaving me starving in this desolate world I once loved. I’m sorry… I’m broken...

  I wasn’t sure whom I was asking forgiveness from - God, the cosmos, Mitchell or maybe just myself; nevertheless, the guilt began to slough away and the heavy weight on my chest released its crushing pressure.

  As I cried for clemency, for the first time I was able to think without the cloud of tangled emotions. My mind raced through the recent events, but this time stripped from the guilt and pain. My memory flashed back to the day the violence began… in the cave with Draco. He was standing over a boy he called Damien. I couldn’t remember his words… but I strongly remembered what I felt when Draco took his life. My body bubbled with excitement as I relived the details. I watched the sharp blade slice through his delicate skin, like butter. The way the flesh slightly folded in from the pressure of the knife before spilling open… the crimson blood spilling across the ground. Oh, how I craved for more! My fists were clenched and my body tingled with adrenaline. I felt powerful and alive as I watched his dying body twitching at my feet.

  I snapped open my eyes and broke free from the flashback. I wiped the sweat from my brow and tried to catch my breath. My hands shook profusely.

  I remembered someone lingering in the shadows… Erebus.

  What if the fairytales were actually true and Erebus could corrupt those around him. I thought about the pain in Draco’s eyes at our second encounter. For just a moment, they didn’t look so haunting against his porcelain skin. Was Erebus the real reason I buried Mitchell? But it still didn’t make any sense… why kill Mitchell? The only thing it did was kept me away from Orion. Maybe Mitchell’s death did exactly what it was meant to do. Maybe it worked and now Orion’s dead, which was why I couldn’t see him anymore!

  “Oh, please no!” I cried.

  Several people glanced my way and I bolted to my feet. I ran out of the church, rushing to my car. I threw it into gear, but had no idea where to go. I felt completely helpless. I sped to the only place I could think of… home. I ran into my room and threw myself on the bed. I closed my eyes and lay very still, trying to force myself to fall asleep. But my heart was pounding and my body shook in a panic. I knew it was true – Orion was dead too. I could feel it now as true as the sky is blue. Without him, there was no reason left for me to exist.

  Stop thinking and sleep!

  It was no use. There was no way I was going to fall asleep. I sat back up in defeat. My mind raced wildly. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, focusing on my breathing to calm my mind.

  Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

  I repeated this pattern for nearly thirty minutes. As I relaxed, I became more aware of the sensation of my breath as it entered my lungs and filled my body with fresh oxygen, and then quickly exiting, expelling the negative energy as it passed. I concentrated on this sensation while forcing my thoughts out… diverting them from following the many paths of my anxious mind. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind of all everything except breathing and Orion’s face.

  Chapter 11

  I opened my eyes to a crimson sky. Red flames licked the horizon and the outline of heavy smoke hovering below the treetops. I took a breath… the air had no scent… my eyes and throat did not burn. Through the thick air appeared an unfamiliar town. The ill-lit town was lined with buildings, three or four stories high. They were snuggled close together with only a narrow alley disjointing them. Each held a unique charm but their overall character was similar, as if designed by the same hand. Uniformed windows were carved into the buildings with the same arched top and a square-bottomed frame. The streets were paved in rich umber clay as hard as asphalt under my feet.

  At first glance, the town appeared deserted, but as I listened closer I made out the sound of faint cries echoing in the distance. I placed one foot forward, leaning in the direction of the voices. Without moving a step, I was suddenly at the next block’s corner, peering around the nearest building. Dark smoke billowed in the sky as scarlet flames danced wildly throughout the town. Three rows of men, maybe two dozen, laid face down on the street, encased in debris. Their arms were stretched out above their heads. Six others circled them, carrying swords, daggers and axes in hand. Their feral eyes darted neurotically as they yelled at the men to lay still and stay silent. My heart was racing as I searched the faces for Orion’s… both hoping I would find him and desperately praying he wasn’t there.

  Frightened cries came from a building on my right. Their desperate pleas made my heart sink. THEATRE in antiqued calligraphy hung above the entrance. Guarding the doors were two men. I recognized Draco. The other wore dark clothes … presumably Erebus. Seeing them replaced any sorrow with a jolt of instinctual fear that quickly transformed into anger. My stomach twisted in a knot. Draco’s brow was thick and hardened, like a permanent scowl was plastered on. He mouth was turned in a brutal sneer. He held a torch and was talking to Erebus. I couldn’t hear them… the cries of townsfolk drowned their words.

  The scene suddenly shifted and I was inside a room. It was dark – and quiet. From the window I could see the men lying on the ground in the distance.

  “Shhh, don’t scream,” a deep voice whispered.

  I gasped and shot my head around. A middle-aged husky man was standing over Orion, fifteen feet away from me. He held a stone-cold rugged face. A rush of excitement filled my chest at the sight of Orion.

  “Orion!” I blurted out.

  He didn’t acknowledge me.

  The man leaned his solid chest uncomfortably close to Orion. “Who are you? I don’t recognize you?” he interrogated.

  “My name’s Orion Nellis. I’m not from here. I came to help.”

  The man stepped back to size him up.

  I stood in shock. After all this time, after all this pain and misery, how cou
ld he ignore me? My eyes swelled with tears and I swallowed hard.

  “Orion!” I repeated, but it came out more as a pleading question.

  “Help, huh?” the man repeated and took another step back. “What do you know about this?”

  “I’ve been pursuing two men across the lands. I spotted the fires from the forest and thought they may be responsible.”

  “Pursuing, huh? What’s it to ya?” he probed.

  “I’m here to take them down,” Orion answered.

  His tone was harsh and unfamiliar to me. I took several steps closer. Neither man so much as blinked. I slowly reached out my hand.

  “Well… okay then,” he stately replied. The man’s demeanor relaxed and he extended his hand to Orion. “I’m Leyland. Leyland Balli. I own the butcher shop down the street.”

  I stretched out my hand and touched Orion’s shoulder. It went right through him.

  What’s happening? Am I dead?

  My mouth was suddenly parched as the panic built in my throat. “Orion! Orion!” I shouted and flailed my arms through his body.

  Silence.

  Orion shook Leyland’s hand. “Give me a run-down of what we’re dealing with, Leyland. The men I’m chasing were only two. I saw at least six more out front.”

  “They came in and attacked so fast… we didn’t have time to react. There were six, carrying torches and weapons. Without a word, they lit the town on fire,” Leyland recalled with a cringe. He paused to compose himself.

  What’s going on? Oh God, I’m dead! But… I don’t feel dead.

  I placed my hand under my nose - did dead people breathe? Okay, calm down. Calm down.

  I took several deep breaths.

  “Most of the townsfolk were with their families, fast asleep when it happened. I was closin’ up shop when I heard the noises outside. Within minutes smoke was everywhere. People ran from outside and they rounded them up as they came out. They forced the men to the ground and locked the women, children, and elders in the theatre. I saw it all happen from my shop window, slipped out the back, and hid in the trees. There was an albino-lookin’ man who threatened to kill some of the women if the locals didn’t join him. The last I counted, four of our men caved. -- One of them was Robby; he runs the mill across town. I figured he agreed as a trick so he could free the others. When I had the chance, I snuck up behind him and grabbed his shoulder to pull him away, like I did you. But… when he turned to face me… somethin’ in his eyes had changed. He looked like a wild dog ready for a kill. He punched me in the gut and I fell to the ground. He kicked me in the head so hard I must have blacked out for a minute. When I awoke, Robby was standin’ a few feet away, lookin’ the other way. I crawled into the nearby brush and hid again. He didn’t seem to notice my absence and went to join the others. That’s when I ran in here. I don’t understand, Robby’s a good guy,” Leyland explained with pressed brows.