The Fear of Letting Go

by Sarra Cannon

  “Maybe I'm dangerous, too,” she says in a low, sexy tone, her eyes narrowed. She's biting her lower lip and oh god, she's killing me with that look.

  I groan and clear my throat. “You know exactly what you're doing to me right now, don't you?” I look at the first few rungs of the ladder and my heartbeat races. Of all the things she decides to test me with, this, is the one thing that would make me hesitate, and I have a feeling she knew that before she even brought me here.

  “You say you want something different? This is your chance to mix it up a little,” she says. “Let's see what you're made of, golden boy.”

  Jenna steps closer to the ladder and puts one hand on the metal bar.

  I turn around, run a hand through my hair. Crap, can I do this? “There aren't even any safety precautions,” I say. “Look at this, it's just a bunch of thin little bars going up the side. One misplaced foot and it's goodbye forever.”

  “That's the way a lot of things in life are,” she says. She's already five or six rungs up. “Doesn't mean it isn't worth taking the risk.”

  I laugh and shake my head. “Shit,” I mumble.

  “You complain about your life, but the truth is, you intentionally live inside your safe little bubble, never daring to step outside of it,” she says. “Face your fears. Push yourself to the limits. It's the best way to know you're really alive.”

  With that, she turns and starts climbing so fast, she's twenty feet up before I even have a chance to breathe.

  I lean against the hood of her truck, my hands clammy and cold.

  This is insane. I should just let her go up and come back down. Let her make her point. Preston's too scared to change. Fine. It's not worth risking my life to go up there.

  Right?

  I turn and look up at her. She's halfway there with no sign of slowing down. She also hasn't looked back once to see if I'm following her.

  But at least she hasn't fallen. How many times has she done this before?

  I'm amazed at her fearlessness. How can she just take off without even giving it a second thought?

  I lean my head back and let out a nervous breath. Crap, I can't let her go up there without me. Maybe she's right. Maybe it is time to challenge myself. Do something different and daring.

  I swallow and take three deep breaths in and out. I walk to the bottom of the water tower and wrap one shaky hand around the bar. My chest rises and falls with each nervous breath. I close my eyes, knowing it's best not to look up and see how far it is to climb. It's best to just do it and not think at all.

  “Come on, Preston,” Jenna calls down. “You can do this. I promise you, there's a major reward for you, if you make it up here.”

  I look up, despite my better judgment, and see her already at the top, holding on to the railing and leaning over.

  I pRob to God the reward is finally knowing what her lips taste like.

  That would be worth climbing up and down this thing a hundred times.

  I step back from the tower and pull my jacket and sweater off. I'm so nervous, I'm sweating in all these clothes. I strip down to my black t-shirt and psych myself up. If Jenna can do this, I can do this.

  I step to the ladder and just start climbing. I try not to think about how high up I am or how far I still have to go. I just climb, thinking of Jenna's face and what it would be like to kiss her and hold her in my arms.

  I put one hand above the other, carefully making sure my foot is firmly planted on the ladder before I try to push myself up another step. The higher I go, the sweatier my palms become. I wipe them on my jeans and cling to the side, having to take a break to catch my breath.

  I make the terrible mistake of looking down to see how far I've gone. I am disoriented, and for one horrifying moment, I'm afraid I'm going to fall.

  Fear catches in my throat, cutting off my breath. I pull in close to the ladder and lean my head against the cold metal.

  “I can't do this,” I shout.

  “Yes, you can,” she says. “You're already more than half-way. The hardest part was taking that first step, trust me. All you have to do is not give up.”

  I force air into my lungs and find the courage to keep moving.

  Jenna keeps talking as I climb.

  “You are so much stronger than your fears,” she says. “How many chances have you gotten to really prove your own strength? To show that you are more than just Tripp Wright's son? More than the money in your bank account, or the car that you drive? This is your chance. Just keep climbing. You're doing amazing.”

  I focus on the sound of her voice. I climb and push through the fear that threatens to paralyze me.

  And when I hit the top of the water tower and step onto the platform, the pride and excitement and relief that washes through me is better than any drug. I can't stop smiling.

  “I cannot believe I just did that,” I say. “Holy shit.”

  My hands are numb, but I force a fist into the air and shout.

  “Wooohoooo.”

  “Woohoo,” she yells, leaning over the railing. “You did it.”

  Jenna raises her hand to give me a high-five, but I pull her into my arms and spin her around on the platform. I expect her to pull away and make some excuse about this being too complicated, but she throws her arms around me and buries her face in my neck. I hold on to her for a long moment, and when she does finally pull away, we are both out of breath. Our faces so close I can't concentrate on anything but her lips.

  “Hey, I think you said something about a reward,” I say, my hands drawing the bottom of her shirt into fists as the back of my fingers brush the bare skin at her waist.

  For a moment, I think she is going to lean in and let me kiss her. Her eyes meet mine and her nails dig into the back of my neck, drawing me closer. But before I drop my lips to hers, she turns my head to the side and backs away.

  I draw in a breath and stare out. My lips part, and I can hardly believe the beauty that greets me.

  The wide ocean expands as far as the eye can see in either direction. The moon is huge and full, its light shining on the water, highlighting each crested wave. The sky above is endless, dotted with millions of bright stars that cover us like a blanket. I have never felt so open. So free.

  So completely insignificant.

  “I told you it would be worth it,” she whispers.

  Without taking my eyes off the night sky, I reach for her hand and lace my fingers with hers.

  She was right.

  Being up here with her is worth every terrifying moment.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jenna

  I take the beers from my pockets and set them down on the platform. I've been up here more than a dozen times, but the view always takes my breath away.

  I take the top off one and hand it to Preston, but he shakes his head.

  “I think you've earned it,” I say. I knew he was scared to climb up here, but I don't think the extent of his fear was clear to me until he was halfway up, clinging to the ladder for dear life. I feel a little guilty for pushing him so hard.

  “Okay, one,” he says, taking the beer and downing half of it in one gulp.

  I laugh and open one for myself. I sit down, threading my legs through the railing and leaning my arms and head against the middle rung.

  “I love it up here,” I say. “It's so beautifully lonely, you know?”

  “It's beautiful,” he says. He sits next to me, but doesn't dare to dangle his legs over the side like I have. “There's no freaking way I would ever come up here alone. They might never find my body at the bottom of this old thing.”

  I laugh and shake my head. “I shouldn't have teased you. I didn't realize how scared you really were.”

  He shrugs and takes another sip of his beer. “You were right. I need to push myself more. It's easy to get stuck in the same old routine,” he says. “You didn't seem scared at all. Do you come here a lot?”

  “Every once in a while. I usually leave my phone in the t
ruck, so it's just me and the wind,” I say. “No one to bother me or interrupt my thoughts.”

  “What do you think about?”

  I smile and look out at the ocean and the sky full of stars. “I usually come because I want to think about my future. Where I'm headed. Where I want to be someday,” I say. “But usually I end up thinking way too much about my past.”

  “You don't like to talk about it much, do you?”

  “Very observant,” I say, a hint of sarcasm in my tone. I know it's a sore spot with my friends, but they know better than to push the issue. Most of the time.

  “I think about my future a lot, too,” he says. He must have decided now wasn't a good time to push me, either, and I'm glad he didn't ask more about my past.

  “What's there to think about?” I ask. “I don't want to be rude, but isn't your future all cinched up? It seems obvious your father is grooming you to take over the company someday. I'm surprised there's not already an arranged marriage to go along with it.”

  He laughs. “My relationship with Leigh Anne was the closest thing to it,” he says. “Everyone, including my parents—okay, especially my parents—wanted us to get married someday.”

  “I bet her parents wanted it even more,” I say, thinking about the ridiculous things Leigh Anne's mom has said to her in the past. That woman has the emotional intelligence of a dollar bill.

  “You're probably right,” he says. “I screwed it up big time, though.”

  “Why did you cheat?” I ask, my heart beating a little faster than I want it to. We're on shaky ground here, talking about past relationships.

  “I don't know,” he says. He rests his arms on the railing and stares out, his eyes dark. “I was a stupid kid who had no idea what real consequences were. My parents always jumped in to clean up any mess I made, so I never thought about how being with Bailey might really hurt Leigh Anne. Bailey kept coming on to me and Leigh Anne and I were arguing a lot about school. She wanted to go to Boston, but I wanted her to stay in Fairhope. I think part of me knew that if she left, things were over between us, anyway. So one night, Bailey and I were the last two on the yacht after a big party, and it just sort of happened. I know it makes me sound like an asshole, but I was just having fun. Things with Leigh Anne had gotten complicated and there were all these expectations for us. But with Bailey, it was simple. At least at first.”

  “We all make dumb mistakes when we're teenagers,” I say. God knows I made a lot of them. Worse ones than cheating, that's for sure.

  Silence stretches out between us, and I listen to the waves crashing against the shore below. The tide is coming in, and in the distance, the white peaks of the larger waves roll forward and disappear.

  “You were right, though,” he says after a while.

  “About what?”

  “About my future being all cinched up,” he says. He finishes his beer and sets the bottle down behind him. As he moves, his leg brushes against mine and he leaves it there, his warmth pressing against me. “My parents have had it all figured out since I was a little boy. I was always supposed to go to school here in Fairhope so I could do an apprenticeship at the company, double-major in business and economics, and take over some of the smaller duties after graduation. We haven't talked about dates, but when he's satisfied I have a good grasp on how things are run, Dad will retire and leave it all to me. I'm supposed to settle down here in Fairhope with my own house here in town, pick a wife and have a couple of kids just like they did. Mom and Dad will keep their fingers in every aspect of the business, and I'll be their dutiful little puppet, playing out their game exactly as I've been programmed.”

  “You don't sound too happy about that.”

  “How could I possibly complain about an empire being handed to me? I don't even have to earn it. I just have to say yes, and it's mine,” he says. “I'd be an idiot to walk away from that life, right?”

  “I can't even begin to answer that question for you.” I'd never once thought about whether Preston wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. “I guess I just assumed it was what you wanted.”

  “Everyone does,” he says. “No one ever thinks to ask me if it's what I want, because of course it's what I want. Who wouldn't want a multi-billion dollar corporation handed to them?”

  “Not me,” I say with a laugh. I set my empty beer beside his. “I can't even wrap my head around the concept of a billion anything, and I certainly wouldn't want the responsibility that comes with it.”

  “Some days I feel exactly the same way,” he says. “I look at Penny and Mason and see how happy they are now, and I wonder if I would be happier if I just walked away from it all. Built a simpler life without the headaches and pressure.”

  “Trust me, being poor is no picnic,” I say. “I know Penny and Mason have made a lot of changes, but that doesn't mean there are no more headaches just because they stopped driving fancy cars. If you think for one minute having less money in your bank account—or no money for that matter—makes life easier, you're even more clueless than I thought you were. I'm not trying to dismiss what you're going through, but until you've been in a position where you have no idea if you're still going to have a place to live next week, you have no idea what it's like to be without money.”

  “Is that how you grew up?”

  I shrug, a knot in my stomach tightening. I don't want to talk about how I grew up. “Let's just say there have been times in my life where I had to go a few days without food,” I say.

  “I can't even imagine that,” he says softly.

  “Then we're even,” I say. “Because I can't imagine having a billion dollars and owning five different cars.”

  He laughs. “I only have two cars.”

  “Oh, only two?” I say. I cut my eyes toward him and nudge him with my elbow. “Listen, if you don't want to take over your father's business, then don't.”

  “It's not that simple.”

  “Who says?” I turn toward him. “Life is all about choices. We go left or we go right, simple as that.”

  “You make it sound so easy,” he says. “First of all, my father would kill me. Or keel over from a broken heart.”

  He sounds so sad, I want to touch him. Let him know that I understand more than he thinks. But I'm scared, and unlike him, not up for facing my fears tonight.

  “I learned the hard way that we can't hold ourselves responsible for our parents' happiness. You have to live your life and be true to yourself,” I say, knowing it really isn't that simple for a guy like him. He can't just pack up and leave Fairhope. People would come looking for him. No one gave a shit where I went, so long as I was gone.

  Part of me wants to tell him this, but a bigger part of me hopes he never finds out about my past, or where I came from. It's easier to keep the conversation on Preston and his choices than to start thinking about mine.

  “Here we are, all alone where no one in the world can hear us. Tell me what you really want, Preston Wright, son of a billionaire. Let's just pretend for a few minutes that there are no consequences to your actions. It's just you and the universe and anything you want is right there for the taking. What would you do with your future? What's your ideal path?”

  He rests his chin against the metal railing and stares out at the waves for a long moment. “I don't know,” he says finally.

  “You mean to tell me you spend all this so-called time thinking about your future, and yet you have no idea what you would do if you weren't held down by your parents' expectations?”

  He pulls back. “I know it sounds stupid, but the truth is that I never get past the expectations part of it,” he says, as if realizing it for the first time. “I try to think about my future, and the only thing I can see is this big wall in front of me, like I have no options. No freedom.”

  “Do you realize the irony of that?” I ask with a laugh. “You have all the money in the world. You could decide to do or be anything you wanted, and every door would just open right up to a guy like you.
How is it possible you feel like a slave in that scenario?”

  He shakes his head and looks over at me. “I never thought of it like that,” he says. “I guess that's why I never talk about it to anyone. It's insane to be so privileged and feel so limited. I can't even say how I feel without knowing how awful and stupid it must sound to anyone listening. I sound like a spoiled brat.”

  “Yes, you do,” I say.

  His eyes widen and I shrug.

  “The truth hurts,” I say. “But you need to get your head out of your ass. You sound like you're thinking poor me, my parents care about my future so much they've built an empire around it, ready to hand it to me when I'm ready. Poor you? You have everything everyone in this world wants. You have the entire universe at your fingertips, and all you can think about is how tough it is to have all this pressure and all these expectations. Personally, I think it's bullshit.”

  I pull my legs back through the railing and sit criss-crossed, facing him. I want him to hear what I'm saying and understand that I am not trying to make him feel worse. I'm trying to make him see what he has.

  “What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't go to work for your dad?”

  “He'd kill me,” he says.

  “You said that already, but think about it honestly. If he didn't kill Penny for running off and getting knocked up by the son of the guy who stole millions from his company, he's not going to actually kill you.”

  “Point taken,” he says with a laugh. He turns his body toward me now, and we're sitting face-to-face on the platform.

  “It goes without saying he'd be disappointed. It might take him years to forgive you, but that's his problem,” I say. “Would he disown you? Throw you out on the streets with no money and no resources?”

  Preston takes a deep breath. “No,” he says. “He would probably threaten it, but I doubt he'd follow through with it. Not after he realized I was serious.”

  “Okay, so this hypothetical future Preston has money and resources galore,” I say. “Disappointed parents, yes, but they'll get over it in time. After a few months of trouble and heartache, he has freedom. Just like that. What does he do with it?”