The Fear of Letting Go

by Sarra Cannon

  “What? Jenna, it's been a tough day,” he says. “Let me drive you back to Fairhope. You're not thinking clearly.”

  “No, I think I'm finally seeing things the way they truly are for the first time since we kissed,” I say. “You and I are just not meant to be, Preston.”

  “I don't understand this,” he says. “I know we had an agreement in the beginning. No pressure or expectations. But something changed along the way for me. I'm not willing to let you go this easily.”

  “You don't have a choice. Can't you see that? Despite what you think, you are not always in control. You don't always know what's best,” I say. “Someday you're going to wake up and realize you dodged a bullet here, I promise you.”

  “Just like that?” he says. “After everything we've been through, you're just going to throw this all away? Why, Jenna? Because you're scared? I'm scared, too. I'm afraid I'm about to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me.”

  His words pierce through my heart. “I'm no good for you,” I say.

  “I love you, Jenna,” he says.

  I look over at him, and his dark brown eyes are filled with tears.

  “I love you more than I ever dreamed I could love another person, and I am not going to let you walk away without a fight,” he says.

  “You don't have to,” I say. “I'll walk away for both of us.”

  “I'm not giving up on us, Jenna,” he says. “This can't be how it ends.”

  He runs a fingertip across my cheek, but I pull away, pressing my body against the door of the truck.

  “You think everything's a fairy tale, don't you?” I say. “Not in my life, Preston. This was the only ending we could have ever had.”

  He sits there for a long moment, but when I don't turn back around, he gets out of the truck. When he slams the door behind him, the sound is like a bullet to my heart.

  I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to be with him, either. This is better than waiting for six months or a year down the road for him to realize I'm not good enough for him. That something about me is rotten deep down inside.

  After a few minutes, Leigh Anne knocks on the door of the truck and pulls me into her arms. She drives us back to Fairhope, never pushing me or asking me to explain. My head rests on her shoulder most of the way, and every once in a while, she reaches over to squeeze my hand.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Preston

  I feel as if the bottom of my entire world has fallen out and a deep chasm of nothingness has swallowed me whole.

  How did things fall apart so quickly?

  I knew our time together was coming to an end, but I had hoped for a miracle. I thought maybe we could outrun her past and build a real future together.

  I never dreamed she would shut me out of her life, as if our time together meant nothing.

  Leigh Anne said to give her space, and she would come around. But I've given her weeks. She won't even pick up the phone. She avoids me on campus and when I've been desperate enough to knock on her door, she turns off the lights and refuses to talk to me.

  I feel completely lost without her.

  I can't concentrate on my work or my classes. The only thing that brings me any joy is spending time with Penny and little Rachel.

  I hold the newborn in my arms and rock her back and forth. “She's beautiful, Penn.”

  “Isn't she?” she says. “I feel like I could just stare at her forever and never get tired of watching her.”

  “She's perfect.”

  “Almost perfect,” Penny says with a laugh. “She looks like a complete angel right now, but wait until about seven o'clock tonight. She turns into a screaming monster and nothing I do settles her down. The pediatrician says it's normal for babies to cry, especially in the afternoons, but I'm at my wits end. I'm hardly getting any sleep.”

  “Do you want to go take a nap for a little while? I can take care of Rachel for a little bit.”

  “Are you sure?” she asks. “I know you don't have a lot of experience with babies.”

  “I've got it,” I say. “Just show me where the diapers and bottles and stuff are.”

  She stands and walks over to kiss my forehead. “You are the best brother in the world,” she says. “Everything you need to change her is in this little basket here, and there are some bottles in the fridge. Just run some hot water in the sink and run the bottle under it for a few seconds to get it warm.”

  “Done,” I say. “Get some rest.”

  “You're sure?”

  I smile. “Yes, get out of here before I change my mind.”

  Penny kisses Rachel's head and goes into the back bedroom to sleep.

  For the longest time, I sit and stare at this precious baby. I can't help that my thoughts turn to Jenna. If we hadn't broken up, she might have been here right now, helping me take care of her. For a little while, everything was more fun with Jenna around.

  It strikes me again how incredible it is that Jenna managed to hold onto her joy after growing up in such a horrible household. My father is controlling, but at least he doesn't constantly put me down or belittle me. My father has always pushed us to succeed and be better. From the sound of it, Jenna's dad only ever told her she was worthless.

  My heart aches for her. I want nothing more than to be there for her now, comforting her when she's going through so much. She blames herself for what happened to her mom, and it's not fair.

  But if she won't even talk to me, how can I reach out to her?

  The doorbell rings and the baby stirs. I gently lay her in the bassinet in the living room and answer the door. No one is there, but a small white box is sitting on the doorstep.

  I look around, but see no sign of whoever rang the doorbell.

  I don't mean to open it, sure that it was intended for either Penny or Mason, but the top isn't completely closed and something inside catches my eye. A purple butterfly made of delicate paper. I inhale and hold my breath as I open the box. More than a hundred hand-made butterflies in various shades of gRob and purple lie nestled in tissue paper.

  Jenna had said she wanted to do something special for Penny, and I know, without a doubt, this is her gift to my sister.

  I take one of the butterflies from the box and accidentally bend its wings. Tears sting the corners of my eyes.

  It strikes me now that sometimes the harder you try to hold on to something, the more likely you are to lose it forever.

  I straighten the wing and set the paper butterfly back in the tissue paper.

  I'll give her all the time she needs now, and pRob that someday she'll find her way back to me.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Jenna

  There are only a few weeks until graduation, but I can't seem to force any excitement through my veins. This is what I have been working for—the thing so many said I could never do—and yet, I can't celebrate. Instead of a new beginning, it feels like a death sentence.

  Everything I have built over the past four years is slipping through my fingertips. My friendships. My job. My identity as a student.

  I keep my eyes open for jobs here in Fairhope, but the only things posted are with the Wright Corporation. There's no way I can to bring myself to apply for a job working for Preston's family. With him taking over more and more of the responsibilities of the office, I would be bound to run into him from time to time, and it would break my heart to see him so often.

  I know my only real choice for a future is to leave Fairhope. To start over and try to build something more stable for myself in a new city.

  A week before graduation, my first real job offer comes in, and it's more than I could have hoped for. It's for a sales position in Nashville. It will mean long hours and a lot of travel, but the money is beyond good for a girl like me. And Nashville is supposed to be a fun city, right? I could learn to love it there, as long as I don't let anyone get too close.

  The biggest catch is that the job starts June 1st. No exceptions.

  June i
s only one month away, but the real issue is that the trial against Burke Redfield in Boston starts only two weeks before the beginning June. There's no way to know whether they'll be finished by then or not, and more importantly, how long it will take the jury to come to a decision.

  I really want to be there for Leigh Anne when the verdict is read.

  I make a call to the company and tell them about the trial, but the man on the phone apologizes. This is the last training session for six months. If I can't make it, I'll have to wait another six months and see if another position opens up.

  “We value dedication, Ms. Lewis,” Mr. Hanover says. “Prove to us you're one hundred percent dedicated to this position, and I can promise you, you'll be rewarded. Our company provides some of the best benefits around for entry-level sales reps. A company car, cell phone, and even a discount on rent in one of the most sought-after apartment properties in downtown Nashville. We only choose the best candidates possible, so we hope you'll be able to make it. We'd love to have an answer by the end of the week.”

  I thank him and hang up. There have been other job offers, but nothing has been as promising as this. The base salary alone is higher than many others, not to mention the potential for huge commissions.

  I have never wanted to be a sales person, but after my mother's death, I realize now, more than ever, how important it is to be practical. Following your heart only leads to trouble.

  But missing this trial is not an option. Leigh Anne has been there for me every step of the way over the past year. I want to see this through with her.

  I'll just have to hope the trial is over in time for me to make the drive to Nashville. Somehow, it will work out.

  And yet, I don't call the man back for five days. Every time I pick up the phone, something stops me. I don't know if it's the thought of having to start over or the thought of leaving everyone behind, but I feel like I'm waiting for some kind of sign that this is the right thing.

  On my last day to decide, I run into Preston for the first time since we broke up.

  It catches me so completely off guard, I don't even have time to turn and hide, or pretend I didn't see him.

  One minute I am heading to the coffee shop to grab my morning coffee, and the next I'm standing face to face with the first guy who ever said he loves me.

  “Jenna. I've been trying to call,” he says. He places his hands awkwardly in his pockets and shifts his weight. His skin is pale, as if he's been avoiding the sun lately.

  “I know,” I say. “I just think it's better if we don't argue about it when we both know nothing is going to change.”

  “It isn't?” he asks, his eyes so full of sorrow.

  I shake my head and look away. “Not for me it isn't,” I say. “I never meant to hurt you, Preston, but...”

  My voice trails off and I shrug. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I have to learn to let go of whatever it is I feel for him. Love. Lust. Friendship. If I'm truly going to start over, I have to move on from those emotions and focus on what's really important.

  “I have to go,” I say, and turn around.

  “Wait.” He grabs my arm and the touch of his skin against mine brings tears to my eyes. I miss him more than I'm willing to admit. “I just want you to know that I'm here for you,” he says. “Not to try to fix anything or change you. Just to listen or whatever you need, okay? Even if you don't want to be with me, I haven't given up on you. If you need me, I'm here for you.”

  I nod and swipe at the gathering tears on my eyelid. “Thanks,” I say. “I'll see you around.”

  I rush around the corner and press my head to the rough brick of the wall, letting the tears flow. When I've recovered enough to talk again, I make the call.

  “Mr. Hanover? This is Jenna Lewis,” I say. “I've decided to accept the sales position.”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Jenna

  Graduation day comes and goes without any celebrations.

  Penny is busy with the baby, and Leigh Anne and Knox have already left for Boston. I miss Preston, but I know reaching out to him will only make things worse.

  I decide to spend the afternoon after the ceremony packing up my apartment instead.

  I tape a new box together and start the process of sorting through my things. The artwork is the hardest to pack. I don't have the money to buy fancy packing materials, but I also don't want anything to be damaged on the trip. I do my best to wrap my books and sculptures in tissue paper before nestling them together in the box.

  When the art is put away, I start on the kitchen. By the end of the evening, most of my apartment is packed and ready to go. The only things that sit out on the bar in the kitchen are my diploma and the urn that holds my mother's ashes.

  I walk over and take the paper in my hands, running my fingertips across the raised letters.

  My mother would have been so proud of me. She may not have admitted it, but I know she would have been. She'd always wanted me to go to college, saying I could make a better life for myself than she ever did. It's hard to believe I've actually done it. Summa Cum Laude. An honor graduate from a real university.

  I suddenly feel very lonely, the thought of leaving wearing so heavily on my mind, I'm afraid it will kill me.

  I decide to go to the one place that has been my constant since I moved here.

  Brantley's is still busy with families and students celebrating the big day, and my spirit lifts when I walk in. Maria is standing by the hostess stand and gathers me up in her big arms.

  “I was hoping you would stop by tonight,” she says. “I missed seeing you today at graduation, but I was there, cheering you on when you crossed that stage. I'm so proud of you, girl.”

  “Thank you,” I say, hugging her back. “Is it okay if I hang out at the bar for a little while?”

  It's against restaurant policy for employees to drink at the bar, but I already had my last night of work this past week.

  “Of course,” she says. “You don't actually work here anymore. Might as well enjoy yourself.”

  “Thanks, Maria.”

  “I always knew I was going to lose you someday,” she says, gently brushing my hair out of my eyes. It's the most tender move she's ever made toward me, and it touches my heart. “I'll be sad to see you go, but man, I loved having you for as long as I did.”

  “Don't get all sappy on me now,” I tease.

  She rolls her eyes and pushes me toward the bar.

  I laugh and take a seat toward one end. Colton's busy, but I'm glad he's the one working tonight. He comes over as soon as he can and leans against the top of the bar.

  “Well, well, if isn't our little graduate,” he says, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Champagne?”

  “Champagne and strawberries,” he says. “Coming right up.”

  He brings the drink over with a plate full of freshly cut strawberries dipped in chocolate. It's my favorite dessert on the menu.

  “Thank you,” I say.

  “How come you aren't out celebrating?” he asks. “I thought you'd be living it up downtown by now.”

  I shrug and take a sip of the champagne. It's cold and sweet. The bubbles tickle my throat on the way down. “I haven't felt like celebrating much, lately, I guess.”

  “I never did tell you how sorry I was to hear about your mom,” he says. “Were you close?”

  “Sometimes,” I say, and leave it at that.

  “We're going to really miss you around here,” he says.

  “Have you given any more thought to that job over at Rob's?” I ask. “You'd do well there, I think.”

  “I don't know,” he says. “I hate to walk out on Maria.”

  “She's seen a lot more employees walk in and out of those doors than the two of us,” I say. “She's survived this long. I think she'll be okay.”

  “I don't mean to pry, but whatever happened between you and Preston?” Colton asks, resting h
is chin on his hand. It's as if he read my mind. “I don't mean to pry, but I figured he'd be whisking you off to some exotic location right after graduation.”

  “He never belonged with a girl like me,” I say. I down the champagne and he fills the glass again. I take a bite of strawberry and sigh.

  “Any man would be lucky to have someone like you. I know it sounds weird coming from me, but I'm real sorry to hear things didn't work out between you two,” he says. “There was just something about you that fit, you know? I would give anything to have a girl's eyes light up when she looked me, the way yours did when you were together.”

  Did my eyes light up when I was with Preston?

  I miss him so much, my heart hurts.

  Colton excuses himself to wait on a pretty brunette who has taken the seat two down from mine.

  I study her, with her designer bag and perfectly manicured nails. Not a hair out of place. That's the kind of girl Preston belongs with, I think sadly.

  I push the plate of strawberries away. I've suddenly lost my appetite.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Jenna

  Testimony in the trial against Burke Redfield begins on a Wednesday.

  With five victims to testify, there is no way to know how long the trial might last, but I want to be up there for as long as I can, to support my friend.

  Penny and Preston's father arranged the rental of two houses in a gated neighborhood near the courthouse as a place for Leigh Anne's friends and family to stay. They even offered to fly us all up to Boston in their private jet, but I need to have my truck with me in case the trial runs long, and I have to leave to get to my job in time. All my things are already packed and loaded into the back.