The Trivia Man

by Deborah O'Brien

  Maggie shimmied to her seat at table ten – it was impossible to walk normally in her tight outfit – and surveyed the auditorium as it filled with furry aliens, robots and space defenders. Thank goodness their team hadn’t chosen science fiction films as their theme. Then she noticed a couple of vampires. Or were they zombies? It was hard to tell, with the white make-up and shadows under their eyes. She spotted some pirates, too, with long black curly hair, direct from the Caribbean.

  Among the crowd of monsters and extraterrestrials entering the auditorium, there was a man of medium height with a grey fedora shadowing his face. He wore a matching grey three-piece suit and diagonally striped tie, but it was the Winchester shotgun which caught her eye. Obviously a replica, but how did they let him into the club with that?

  When he was almost at her table, Maggie put her hand to her mouth. My God. It was Kevin. Not long afterwards Al Capone arrived. Apart from the white dinner suit, Edward hadn’t had to alter his appearance much at all. Beside him, Carole was dressed as Shirley Temple, with a mop of golden ringlets. Mei Zhen was Ginger Rogers in a long silver gown with swan’s-down trim. And Ash had pinned up her long hair and slicked the front. With her aquiline nose and sharp features, not to mention the top hat and tails, she could have been Fred Astaire.

  ‘Eliot Ness, I presume,’ Edward said to Kevin.

  ‘No, he’s the accountant,’ Maggie corrected. ‘Oscar Wallace.’

  She looked over at Kevin to see him smiling back from behind his wire-rimmed glasses. Not a wide, toothy smile, just the corners of his mouth turned up. To her surprise, she discovered he had dimples.

  ‘So tell me about this Wallace guy,’ said Carole.

  ‘The character in the film was inspired by a real person called Frank J. Wilson,’ Kevin explained, ‘but there was never an accountant in the Untouchables team. Wilson was an investigator from the Treasury who went after Al Capone for tax evasion. He had his own team of forensic accountants, but they weren’t known by that name back then, of course.’

  ‘Kevin certainly knows a lot about this,’ Mei Zhen whispered to Maggie.

  ‘He’s a forensic accountant and Wilson is his hero,’ Maggie explained.

  ‘Anyway,’ Kevin continued, ‘Capone was eventually charged and went to trial, but he tried to bribe the jury. Eliot Ness twigged to the plot, and the judge replaced the jury with another one just before the case began.’

  ‘Did that jury substitution thing actually happen?’ Maggie asked. ‘Or was it just in the film?’

  ‘No, it was fact. That’s how they got a conviction. He was sentenced to eleven years and spent most of it in Alcatraz.’

  Maggie had never heard Kevin engage in a real conversation before. He usually spoke in asides.

  ‘Everybody knows about Eliot Ness,’ said Carole. ‘But this accountant was quite a hero in his own right, wasn’t he?’

  ‘That’s correct. And Capone was just the start,’ said Kevin. ‘Wilson helped nail the kidnapper of the Lindbergh baby by recording the serial numbers of the ransom money and following the notes. I think it was one of the first cases where they did that. And later he went on to run the Secret Service.’

  Maggie pondered the fedora. Was it a magical hat, giving Kevin the courage to speak? Or was the power coming from the Winchester?

  Then Edward said, ‘I think you’re confusing your hero with J. Edgar Hoover, Kevin.’

  Kevin’s jaw tightened. It was momentary, more like a tic than a wince.

  ‘Hoover ran the FBI,’ said Kevin quietly. ‘He wanted to take over the Secret Service, but Wilson wouldn’t go for it.’

  ‘Good for Wilson,’ said Carole. ‘Hoover sounds like a big bully, just like Capone.’

  It was round one. Edward had taken the role of recorder because he didn’t trust Maggie after the ‘seduction zone’ answer.

  ‘Who was the first actor to refuse an Academy Award?’ the Professor asked.

  ‘Marlon Brando for The Godfather,’ Edward said.

  ‘No, it was George C. Scott for Patton,’ Maggie contradicted.

  ‘Maggie, I know you’re the movie expert, but I saw it on TV at the time. It was a big controversy. He sent an Indian woman up on stage to take his place.’

  ‘They’re called Native Americans,’ Ash said.

  ‘Trust you to be politically correct,’ Edward retorted. ‘What are you calling yourself these days anyway? A West End thespian?’

  There was a sudden silence as everyone held their breath, waiting for Ash’s reply, but she just smiled. Then Maggie filled the gap by saying, ‘Marlon Brando won in 1973. But George C. Scott was 1971.’

  ‘Are you certain about that?’ Edward stared at her, his pen poised.

  Only a few seconds earlier, Maggie had been confident. Now Edward with his bluster had injected a shard of self-doubt.

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘That’s not good enough, Maggie. What’s it going to be?’ he asked.

  ‘Put down Brando,’ she said, not daring to look at Kevin.

  But there was no time for recriminations because the Professor was already asking the next question:

  What do the following actors have in common? Sean Connery, John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Charlton Heston.

  ‘They all played detectives,’ Maggie said.

  ‘When was Wayne a detective?’ Edward asked.

  ‘In Brannigan. He was an American cop in London.’

  ‘What about Heston then?’

  ‘A sci-fi movie called Soylent Green about a New York cop after a nuclear war. And Frank Sinatra was a detective in several films.’

  ‘Well, how about Connery?’ Edward asked.

  ‘Jimmy Malone in The Untouchables.’

  ‘He was a beat cop, Maggie, not plain-clothes,’ Kevin said.

  ‘Well, they were all policemen, weren’t they?’ she replied.

  ‘That’s true. And they all wore toupées.’

  Maggie’s mouth dropped open. ‘Of course.’

  ‘Which one will I put down?’ Edward queried. ‘The policemen or the toupées?’

  ‘Go with the toupées,’ said Maggie. It was such an elegant answer. When she glanced across at Kevin, his eyes were lowered, but she imagined they were dancing.

  Question three was, Name four actors who played Mae West’s husbands in her final film, Sextette.

  ‘Who’s Mae West?’ Mei Zhen asked. ‘I’ve never heard of her.’

  ‘Before your time,’ Maggie replied. ‘But she was an icon in her day. The one who asked Cary Grant: Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?’

  Even Kevin seemed to get that one, giving her a shocked look as if she’d just invented the line herself.

  ‘Can we return to the question?’ said Edward.

  Maggie had noticed he was in a particularly testy mood.

  ‘Well, I know that Timothy Dalton was one of the husbands. But I have no idea why someone of his ability would have accepted the part. The film was a farce. And I don’t mean funny.’

  ‘Maggie, will you stay on track?’ said Edward.

  ‘So we have Dalton,’ she continued. ‘And then there were Tony Curtis and George Hamilton. But who was the fourth?’

  Nobody knew.

  All at once Maggie had a vision of her favourite Beatle as a bearded European film director. ‘It was Ringo Starr,’ she whispered to Edward just as the Professor was finishing the next question:

  In which movie does the following quote from the French writer Charles Baudelaire appear? ‘The devil’s finest trick is to persuade you that he does not exist.’

  Everyone looked at Maggie.

  ‘Think about it. It’s easy. They’re here tonight.’

  ‘The Usual Suspects,’ said Ash. ‘I love that film.’

  ‘Question number five,’ announced the Professor. ‘A performer who wins an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony is said to be an EGOT. Which of the following actors has not won all four awards: A. Audrey Hepburn, B. Robin Williams,
C. Whoopi Goldberg, D. Mel Brooks?’

  ‘No idea,’ Maggie said before they had a chance to pressure her.

  ‘They’re all so damned talented,’ said Ash, ‘I wouldn’t know.’

  ‘Did Audrey Hepburn ever win a Grammy?’ Mei Zhen asked. ‘She wasn’t a singer, was she?’

  ‘You don’t need to be musical to win it,’ Maggie said. ‘It might have been for a recording of stories or poetry. Anyway, she sang in Funny Face and Breakfast at Tiffany’s.’

  ‘Well, there’s no point in leaving the answer blank,’ said Edward. ‘Let’s just put something down. After all, there’s a one in four chance of being right.’

  ‘Actually, it can be higher than that,’ said Kevin. ‘Some studies show that in multiple choice questions, where the answers aren’t randomly distributed, B appears more than the others.’

  ‘I thought it was C,’ Ash whispered to Mei Zhen.

  ‘All right, I’m happy to put B,’ Edward said.

  Maggie almost choked on the sip of water she’d just taken. Was Edward agreeing with Kevin? Had the world turned topsy-turvy? Was the accountant levelling the playing field with Al Capone?

  Question six. The actor Kevin Spacey was born Kevin Fowler. He chose his stage name by combining parts of renowned actor Spencer Tracy’s name to make Spacey. True or false?

  ‘The story seems logical enough,’ said Maggie, ‘but it’s not true. Spacey was a family name, his grandmother’s, I think.’

  Maggie sounded so authoritative that nobody argued. Edward wrote: ‘False’.

  Question seven. Virginia McMath was famous for appearing in a series of films with which actor?

  ‘Who’s Virginia McMath?’ asked Carole.

  ‘I haven’t got a clue,’ said Maggie. ‘But maybe we can work it out from the wording of the question. It’s got to be a famous partnership. Like Tracy and Hepburn.’

  ‘Well, who were the great film partnerships?’ Ash asked.

  ‘Taylor and Burton?’ Carole suggested.

  ‘No,’ said Maggie. ‘She was born Elizabeth Taylor.’

  ‘Rock Hudson and Doris Day,’ said Mei Zhen.

  ‘Her real name was Doris Kappelhoff.’

  ‘What about Bogie and Bacall?’ Edward asked.

  ‘She was born Betty Perske.’

  Maggie was about to give up when she looked at Ash in her top hat and tails. ‘Of course!’ she whispered. ‘Astaire and Rogers. The answer is Fred Astaire!’

  Questions eight, nine and ten were easy.

  Who was Elizabeth Taylor’s third husband?

  Maggie wrote down the answer almost before the Professor had finished asking it.

  Who is the famous daughter of Debbie Reynolds?

  They all knew that one.

  Which actor portrayed Ehrich Weiss in a movie about his life?

  ‘That was the real name of Harry Houdini,’ Kevin said.

  ‘But who played him in the film?’ Edward demanded impatiently.

  Kevin supplied the actor’s name: Tony Curtis.

  ‘Funny, isn’t it?’ said Maggie. ‘Tony Curtis was really Bernie Schwartz. Schwartz and Weiss. Black and white.’

  Everyone looked at her blankly, except Kevin, who began to laugh. The others gave him bemused glances.

  ‘When I said funny, Kevin, I didn’t mean ha ha,’ she whispered in his ear. ‘It’s just an odd coincidence. Funny peculiar.’

  At interval Teddy and the Dreamers were leading the night’s point score and in third place in the overall competition. Edward should have been happy, but he looked grumpier than ever. Perhaps he was channelling Robert de Niro as Capone. The judging of the costumes took place with each team standing up so that Miss Kitty could assess their outfits. Maggie was sure the Dreamers, with their 1930s glamour, would win first place, but the prize went to a table of aliens, with the vampires coming second and the pirates third. Then the Professor announced a special karaoke session featuring songs from the movies. Maggie was intrigued, though not enough to go up onstage and sing in front of all those people, even with the other team members around her. Meanwhile, Kevin had slipped out to his hiding place.

  As gracefully as she could, considering the tightness of her silk gown, she made her way to the ladies’ room, where a queue snaked along the corridor. Deciding to wait till the break between rounds six and seven, she wiggled her way down the back stairs and joined Kevin.

  Before she could sit on the brick ledge, he removed a handkerchief from his pocket and placed it over the surface.

  ‘You look nice tonight,’ he said.

  ‘You too,’ she replied. ‘In fact, you look quite dashing in that suit. But where did you get the gun?’

  ‘It’s a toy. Somebody gave it to Patrick for his birthday and my sister confiscated it.’

  ‘A good decision.’

  ‘Maggie, can I ask you something?’

  ‘Yes,’ she replied tentatively, not knowing what was coming next.

  ‘Would it be considered too forward if I invited a woman to my flat for dinner?’

  Was Kevin intending to ask her to his place? She wasn’t sure whether to feel flattered or uneasy. Perhaps her remark about him being dashing had set something in motion.

  ‘It depends how long you’ve known her.’

  ‘A few weeks.’

  ‘I see,’ she said, trying to sound offhand. ‘And you’re keen on her?’

  ‘She’s very attractive.’

  Not only had the fedora given Kevin the confidence to challenge Edward, it had made him brave enough to indulge in a bout of flirtatious repartee. They might have been Ginger Rogers and Cary Grant exchanging dialogue in a screwball comedy from the 1930s.

  ‘And how does she feel about you?’ she asked.

  ‘She hasn’t said anything yet. But I think she likes me.’

  Maggie hadn’t realised she’d been sending out those kind of signals. She liked Kevin, but not in that way.

  He took a deep breath. ‘She kissed me. Doesn’t that mean she likes me?’

  Maggie’s face flushed red. The conversation hadn’t been about her at all. He’d been asking advice for the lovelorn from good old Auntie Maggie. She should have known. After all, Kevin didn’t do innuendo and double entendre, let alone romantic banter – he was the most literal person she knew.

  ‘It usually does,’ she replied, in her best agony aunt manner.

  ‘So, Maggie, do you think it’s okay to ask her over?’

  ‘I don’t see why not.’

  ‘And I’m not jumping the gun, so to speak?’ He must have recognised his little pun because he gave a nervous chuckle.

  ‘It’s not as though you’re asking her to marry you, Kevin. It’s just a dinner. Keep it light and casual.’

  ‘Okay. Can I ask her by text?’

  Maggie had never been required to provide a step-by-step guide to dating before.

  ‘Phone would be better. A text is a bit impersonal, especially first time around.’

  ‘Even if I included a smiley face?’

  This was the kind of conversation she might have had with one of her fourteen-year-old students, not a forty-eight-year-old accountant. Was Kevin having a lend of her? But when she examined his face under the security light, it was serious.

  ‘No emoticons, Kevin,’ she told him solemnly. ‘Not ever.’

  WEEK

  SIX

  Maggie

  On Monday morning Maggie’s phone beeped right in the middle of her Year 12 French lesson.

  ‘Miss, you’re not allowed to have your phone on,’ said one of her students.

  ‘That rule applies to you, not me,’ she replied curtly and took a furtive look at her phone. It was from Josh. His first text had arrived the day after the seminar. How had he found out her mobile number? Simple. From the personal details she’d provided to his website. So much for their privacy policy. Ever since then, they’d been texting each other at least once a day. Decorous messages with a subtext nobody else would understand.
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  Josh’s most recent message said:

  Reminder re meeting. 7 pm. Agenda and timetable up to you. J.

  The waiter showed Maggie to a table with a view of the harbour.

  ‘Best table in the house,’ he said, when she commented on the view.

  Of course, she thought. A table fit for a prince.

  ‘Hi, Mags,’ Josh said, bending down and kissing her on the lips. ‘Sorry I’m late. I got caught up after the seminar.’

  ‘Signing autographs,’ she said with a smile. ‘That’s the price of being rich and famous.’

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ he said, reaching across the table and touching her hand. ‘You know, Mags, you and I were the longest relationship I’ve ever had.’

  ‘Longer than Sharyn?’

  She watched him mentally doing the maths.

  ‘Yes, I was seventeen when Sharyn and I met and twenty-six when we got our divorce.’

  Maggie and Josh had lasted ten years. One year longer than Sharyn. It didn’t seem like much, but a year could be significant. Long enough to conceive a child, give birth to it and watch it become a smiling baby. Although that only happened in Maggie’s dreams.

  ‘Why did I let you go, Mags?’

  ‘I think you said something about me feeling trapped and needing to spread my wings.’

  ‘Did I say that?’

  ‘You did indeed.’

  ‘I was a real bastard, wasn’t I?’

  ‘Well, at least you acknowledge it.’

  ‘But you still have feelings for me, don’t you?’ he said with a cheeky smile.

  ‘You’re a married man, Josh. Off limits.’

  ‘The marriage is falling apart, Mags. It’s just a matter of time before it’s over. Why do you think I do all these seminars? I don’t want to be at home.’

  ‘Surely you love your kids?’

  ‘Of course I do, but I’m too old for all that noise and attention-seeking. Call me selfish, but I never wanted children. I told Kylie the first time we went out together. I was always upfront about it. But she went ahead and got herself pregnant anyway. To trap me.’

  ‘Maybe it wasn’t deliberate.’