Ever since Jean had suggested that Robbie cared more for others than she did for herself, he wondered what she did to sustain herself. Some anthropologist I am, I haven’t even asked. Tonight, while they walked, perhaps she’d tell him some details of her life, if he showed some real interest. Even though it had been a huge jump from his first impression, he trusted her completely with his grandfather during this precious time. She was candid and fun-loving with Frank but her guard remained up with him.
When she implied by her actions that she needed him to play along with the game to impress the young salesclerk in the grocery store, he’d felt that he offered her something other than money. He’d given her a part of himself as a personal favor. And when they held hands, he’d felt connected to community, to home.
A memory of his grandmother when he was twelve surfaced. His grandparents had received an invitation to attend the symphony with the Prince of Wales. They had danced around the living room like two teenagers with coveted tickets to a concert. Grandmother had had a dress made. Jake had even told her she looked beautiful. His grandfather embarrassed him with some smart remark or other about breasts. Jake couldn’t think about his grandma that way. Yuck. Grandma had shushed Frank. Then she had opened her arms to hug Jake but he had run to the garage and hid in the Mustang until the limousine had driven them away.
As Jake drove to Care Manor he wondered if he was still hiding in the Mustang. What did a Mustang mean anyway but a small wild horse? He certainly was not small and he’d never been wild. Tempted, of course, but his grandparents would have been disappointed. He’d grown up instead.
He parked on the street because the parking lot was filled to capacity. The sights and sounds of the home were familiar to him. He greeted the residents who sat in wheelchairs outside their doorways or those walking the halls.
At Frank’s bedside, Jake held a flexible straw to his grandfather’s lips and watched him try to pull the liquid into his mouth. Frank pushed Jake’s hand away. “It’s time to go when you can’t suck,” he said.
Jake couldn’t help but smile. That’s the way home life had always been, his grandparents’ humor interjected into a serious situation. As a child, he’d felt left out. Then when he’d understood some of it, he’d repeat the jokes at school, and then, when he understood more of the nuances, he became embarrassed by it. “At least you can still blow,” Jake said, instead of stating the obvious that perhaps the nutritional shake was too thick.
His grandfather chuckled. “I’m glad you’re back. We’re family. Grandma was wrong.” He laid back.
“How’s that?”
“Said that’s why you didn’t come home. Early damage from living with us. Couldn’t be a normal kid.”
“Normal is an ambiguous value. Love can’t damage.” Jake placed the glass on the bedside table.
Had it hurt him to grow up faster than his classmates? “I should have been here when Grandmother was dying. You cared for her all alone.”
“She missed you. But she understood.”
“She shouldn’t have. She should have called me on it. Or you could have called me sooner, told me to crawl out of myself because you needed me.”
“Woe, boy. We knew you’d come to it in your own time. There are some things you just can’t hurry. We old people learned that from experience, you know.”
Jake ran his fingers through his hair. “She knew how grateful I’ve felt all these years that you kept me after mom died. I don’t think I ever understood how that must have felt for both of you to lose a child. I was so young and Grandma just stepped in. She was my mother.”
“Yes, it was hard watching our daughter fight for life. She had you and she wanted to live. It’s hard to understand why certain people die early and then there are those of us who hang around longer than necessary.”
“I should have thought about this before now. Maybe I am damaged.”
“That’s crap, and you know it.”
“I do know that I had all the love and support a kid and man could ever want.”
“Thanks, son.”
Jake swallowed hard and thumbed the corners of his eyes. “Have you got everything you need?”
“I do now,” Frank said.
Jake knew by memory the form that Frank had signed. No cardiopulmonary resuscitation. No intensive care unit. No respirator. No feeding tube. No monitors. Oxygen as needed for comfort. It wasn’t easy for Jake to kick aside the life support that would have been minimal in most endings. But this wasn’t his life or his wishes. Frank’s other request was pain medication for comfort.
As Frank took a short nap, Jake felt his head bob while he read his research notes. He closed the file and gave in to sleep.
A nurse tapped him on the shoulder when visiting hours were over. “You can go home now. He’s well cared for.”
“You have my cell number and the hotel number?”
“Yes, everything is right here on his chart.”
He was meeting Robin at nine after visiting hours were over. He laughed to himself when he remembered her relief when the pyramid of cereal didn’t topple. His adult brain told him that their silly laughter had probably been stress relief for both of them. He fumbled his knitted hat from his pocket and held onto his gloves like a kid in a hurry to get out the door and play with his best friend.
After checking on Frank one last time, Jake found Robin sitting on Frank’s bench. Her eyes seemed to be focused on some far off point across the frozen lake until his feet crunching on the snow caused her to turn in his direction. He settled on the seat beside her and squinted against the light from her flashlight.
The air around her seemed warmer as she inhaled and exhaled. “It must be hard to be you right now,” she said.
Were those tears glistening in her eyes? His hand reached for her mittened palm. “Yes, but I’m glad I’m here.”
The snow swirled her feet. “I’m an only child, too. I understand.”
The needles on the pine trees rattled.
“Let’s walk. The wind’s picking up and soon the wind chill will make it seem colder,” she said.
He gripped his collar tighter around his neck. “We don’t have to do this. We can go for coffee.” He put the knit hat on his head. There wasn’t any other way to stay warm. No one looked good in a knitted hat.
“Yes, we do. I skipped half of my normal workout because we’d be walking.”
“So you do exercise?” He cringed at his surprised tone. Grandma had exercised, too, just not in the conventional sense. She’d made dinner, done the laundry, took care of the house. Her size had just made it difficult to do more.
“I work out almost every day. You seem surprised.”
“Well, you have to admit . . .” Nothing he could say at this point would be good.
She stepped in front of him and stopped, her arms on her hips. “What do I have to admit?”
“That you don’t look as if you do,” he finished, and felt his stomach churn with remorse.
“You don’t appear to be a jackass but sometimes you act like one,” she said. She moved away from him and picked up the pace.
Jake closed the distance with a few quick strides and nudged her over so that he could walk beside her. “I’m sorry.”
She struck a pose with her fists extended toward him. “If Frank wasn’t dying, I would deck you here and now.”
He swallowed his laugh at her mittened fists. “Listen, I don’t know a lot about you.”
His boots squeaked on the cold, paved path. He stopped at the gate that led to the street and to Robbie’s house. He’d almost turned to go through it before he stopped himself. He wrapped his arm around her waist. “I know that you’re generous, kind, an only child, you attended high school in a town that had an ice cream parlor, you like to dance, shop, w
alk in the park, and you applied for a job.” He gulped a big mouthful of air.
“I’d say you know the important things,” she said.
“But I don’t know what you’re giving up to be with Frank.”
“Remember, it’s a job right now.”
“Are you only visiting Frank because it’s a job?” His heart imitated a solo bass drummer practicing on a hilltop.
She pulled her hat tighter onto her head. “You both seem to need me and I can be of some assistance. Frank’s a good man. He loved Mabel and they were together for a long time through many hardships. I especially like that she was a woman of size when he married her. It’s a hope I can share at my Women’s Club.” One minute she was expounding on life and the next her foot slipped. The flashlight flew into the air and she yelled, “Not again.” She landed with a thud.
His heart became a fist punching against his ribs. Fearing that she’d been hurt, Jake knelt and reached toward her.
She shrank away from him. “No, don’t touch me. Just let me catch my breath.”
He stood. “I’ll find the flashlight.” He stepped off the path into the snow for better traction.
Robbie saw the stars past the haloes of the city lights through the branches of the park trees. When Jake came back and shone the flashlight over her, she patted the snow. “Come on down.”
He stretched out beside her and turned his face to her. “Are you all right?”
“Everything moves. Aren’t the stars beautiful?”
She felt as if she was under a feather duvet, the suit provided warmth on a cold night but she heard Jake’s teeth chattering next to her ear. His butt must be ice cold by now.
“Are you getting even with me in some sadistic way? I’m freezing to death. Any idea when you’ll stop star gazing?” he asked.
“Actually, I was trying to think of a way to get back on my feet without looking like the proverbial beached whale.” She hated that her voice sounded small and embarrassed.
“We can do one of two things. We can wait until spring and hope for a flood, or I’ll help you. I may be wiry but I’m strong.”
“Don’t laugh at me.” She slapped the snow-cover ground with her hand, sending up a plum of white powder.
“Let me help you, before I freeze to death.”
“Okay. I’m ready.”
He stood off of the slippery path and planted his feet shoulder width apart, bent at his knees, and extended his hands to her. He provided momentum until she sat upright on the snow.
“On the count of three,” she said. Her breath hung in the air like cartoon bubble above her head.
When Jake stood he held tight and brought her to her feet. “You’re much lighter than you look.”
“Somehow that doesn’t feel like a compliment,” she said.
“I’m making an observation, not a judgment.” He stepped closer with the light beam pointed to the ground. His gloved finger reached for her cheek. She stepped back. She couldn’t let him get close enough to touch her face. She hadn’t taken as much care with her preparation as she should have.
“You’re a mysterious woman.”
She watched his eyes search her face. His lips seemed to be inching closer and then they skimmed her wool cap. Then he put his arm around her shoulder and squeezed. “In order for us to be true friends, I have to be able to give things to you, too.” When she started to speak, he raised his hand. “This isn’t about money. What can I offer you?”
She swallowed and leaned her head against his chest. “You already have. You’re being my friend.”
Tonight, Jake decided, he would act like any man and accept her assessment of their relationship and not a researcher and analyze it in true research form until it was magnified ten times or one hundred times. “Friends,” he agreed.
He felt her slipping away from him. It seemed as if her frame shrank and she stood out of his reach. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Slide away from me without me feeling that you’re ready to move. It’s the strangest phenomenon.”
“Perhaps I have a superpower I haven’t fully developed.” She shifted from foot to foot and rubbed her hands together. “It’s time I went home. I’m frozen.”
Jake didn’t want this time to end. It was as if he was cocooned in a bubble of warmth and when it burst he’d be back in the cold again facing the prospect of being alone.
“I’ll walk you to your car.” Even though it was impossible to feel her warmth through her mitten and his glove, he knew it was there. They held hands through the park and across the street.
He opened the car door for her. She settled herself into the driver’s seat and started the ignition. Biting the top of her mitten she freed her hand and ran her finger across the grooves from his nose to the side of his lips, which seemed to grow deeper each day. “Take care, friend.”
She watched his eyes as she placed her fingers against her lips and then touched them to his lips. He closed his eyes for a second, before he stepped away from the car.
“See you soon.” He closed the door and moved away and she shifted into drive. She gave the horn a small tap and drove down the street.
After Robbie slid the garage door into place, she stood alone in the darkness. She took a deep breath. She and Jake were friends. As a researcher, that was all she could hope. Frank had said no one could have too many friends. Then why did it feel like she’d won the consolation prize?
Chapter 13
On Friday at her weekly meeting with her research group of women, Robbie looked around the church meeting room as she outlined her plans. “My defense will take place on Tuesday. From now on, I’m only going to go out dressed as in the body suit when I visit Frank.”
“It’s almost over,” Sharon said. “I didn’t think you could do it, but you have and I’m proud of you.”
Robbie nodded. “Thank you, Sharon. If I’m not mistaken, you look like the proverbial cat that licked the cream.”
“You caught me. I thought I’d wait until after Tuesday to tell you but I lost another twenty five pounds and the fitness club has offered me a management position.” Sharon put her hand up for high fives.
“That’s fabulous.” Robbie slapped Sharon’s palm and Mavis and Margaret called group hug. They all danced around.
“I thought you were shrinking but you must have a closet full of jean capris and white T-shirts,” Margaret said.
“I’ve tried so often to get into shape. I just didn’t find the right venue for me. Now I have. And to answer your question, Margaret, yes, I do. But I have donated the sizes I won’t return to again.”
“Guess we won’t be spending as much time here anymore,” Robbie said, feeling a sense of loss. “Hope we stay in touch.”
“You can join the fitness club, Robbie. Women of all ages, shapes, and sizes are there.”
“Maybe I will.”
“What time are you on duty, Sharon?” Margaret asked tapping her manicured fingers on the tabletop. “I might come when you’re there. You’d show me what to do.” Margaret’s eyes were bright with tears. “Russ has been on my case about working out and staying strong for our retirement. He’s never said anything about me losing weight. He just wants me to be healthy.”
“I’ll email you my schedule.” Sharon wound her arm through Margaret’s arm. “I’ll help you.”
“You’re not getting me to come to one of those places after I’ve been on my feet since four in the morning,” Mavis said, waving her arms for emphasis.
“Of course not, but if we’re all there you might miss us,” Margaret said.
“Just call me for coffee afterwards,” Mavis said. “Let’s get back to business here.” Mavis folded her arms across her chest. “You’re probably right, Robbie. Sometimes it
is best to quit while you’re ahead.”
Margaret leaned closer to Robbie. “And you seriously believe that neither Frank nor Jake know who you are?”
“I have to, based on what they tell me. Right after my defense, I’ll tell Frank and Jake and then the Robin they know will disappear.” Robbie leaned back into her chair.
“Frank and Jake are focused on important life issues right now,” Margaret said. “This shows me that people may see me but don’t and that’s okay because it isn’t all about me. Everyone has stuff in their lives that we know nothing about. Thanks for the lesson.”
Sharon and Mavis nodded in agreement.
“You’re right and that goes for me, too,” Robbie agreed.
Robbie shifted in her seat and crossed and uncrossed her legs.
“Do you have to go to the ladies’?” Sharon asked with a smirk.
“No. It’s just that I haven’t worked out the details on how to break the news to Frank and Jake that I’m a fraud.”
Margaret stood up and stared down at Robbie. “Wait a minute. You are not a fraud. The outside that you showed them is different, but on the inside you’re the same woman. That kind of thinking gets us all into trouble.”
“Thank you, Margaret. My inside has learned a great deal from this experience.”
“Don’t think you are the only one. We’ve all learned a few things. You do not get to have all the credit,” Sharon said. “Now, we need directions to your thesis defense. We can still come, right? You mentioned it in the beginning of all of this.”
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