Woman of Substance

by Bower, Annette

  The winter sun had set twelve hours and fifty-two minutes after Frank had departed this world. Robbie squinted toward the lock on her front door. She’d forgotten to turn on the outside light in her haste to visit Frank. With the flip of a switch the entryway was bathed in warm candescent light. She was going to graduate. She was poised to put her first foot on the career ladder and Frank, who’d accepted her unconditionally, wasn’t here to share her success. She lifted the foam suit out of the case and wrapped her arms around it. This form was a friend but she needed to say goodbye to it. She hung it on its hanger. Her heart felt as if it was trying to squeeze into a small pocket in her chest. It didn’t want to acknowledge her losses. At least Frank had known the truth before he died. Deep in her heart she knew this to be true. She had to speak with Jake. Extend her deepest sympathy. He must be so alone. But would he even see her or believe her again?

  Chapter 15

  Jake telephoned Jean when he left the Care Manor for the last time. She wasn’t available. He could have waited for her answer instead of coming to the university. His concern had been for his students and that he wanted to find Robin before she went to visit Frank. If Robbie were at the University, she’d help him. And he had to keep moving, keep busy. If he hadn’t been so impatient, Nadine wouldn’t have told him where to find Jean Clifton and he wouldn’t have rushed down the corridors hoping to speak with her before the proceedings began. He was too late. His gut twisted. He’d been used. And not just him, his beloved granddad.

  In his office, he paced. He broke pencils in two. He sat in his chair and he got up two minutes later. Now what? The Robin or Robbie that he knew couldn’t have used them strictly for research. Frank and he had trusted her. When he’d first met her in the park, all dirty and disheveled, he knew something wasn’t aboveboard. He was seldom wrong. He should have followed his gut reaction. She still didn’t know that Frank was gone. Jake snorted. At least his grandfather didn’t need to be told that he had been deceived.

  When Jake’s brain found a moment of clarity he called Nadine. She provided Robbie’s number and he left a brief message requesting her to call his cell. He stared out of the window. He’d made acquaintances all the time in his line of work so why was he sitting here like a lost puppy? It was so much more than just a woman, if he told himself the truth. It was his budding friendship with Robin that he would miss. Without realizing it, he’d looked forward to having her in his life for a short time, as she had been in Frank’s, at least until the funeral service was over. He shouldn’t be here. He should go back to the hotel.

  There was a rap on his door. He groaned. He did not need any interruptions. “One moment.” He straightened his jacket, sat in his chair behind his desk, and opened a file. “Come in.”

  He blinked and shook his head. Jean Clifton. Somehow he thought it might be Robin.

  “Oh, Jake, I’m so sorry. I received your message just as the committee settled into their chairs. I would have come sooner, but I couldn’t leave.” Skidding around the desk, she threw her arms around his neck. “I wanted to pass on my sympathies but you know as the student’s supervisor I couldn’t do anything to jeopardize her presentation, even if she was way out on a limb.”

  He tried to dislodge himself from her embrace. “Of course not. I didn’t want to upset you, but I had student appointments and I needed Nadine to contact students. I wasn’t thinking straight. I could have called her. I also wanted you to know that I’ll need some time off to arrange things.”

  “Thank you for finding me personally. It means a lot to me to share this time with you.” Jean continued to rub his arm. “Can I get you anything? Nadine has a stash of whiskey for medicinal purposes.”

  “No, thanks.”

  “Nadine rescheduled all of your students. So don’t worry.”

  He paged through his mail absently.

  “I’m thankful your grandfather didn’t know about Robin’s research project.”

  “He must have been weaker than I thought. He was so sharp and observant when he was alive.”

  “She passed, you know.”

  “Her defense was inventive on a subject that has been in the headlines for months. I think she raised the bar for defense projects and I wouldn’t be surprised if you receive recognition for your support.”

  “Do you really think so?” She gave his arm a final stroke. “But that’s not important, now. I’ll have Nadine make you some strong coffee. You look like you can use something.” Jean closed the door when she left.

  He groaned at another tentative knock at his door. “Come in.”

  He sank into his chair. “Robbie.” He felt as if he were recognizing the pain from a burn as a blister formed.

  “He died and I wasn’t there,” Robbie said brokenly. Tears swam in her gorgeous hazel eyes.

  “I was,” he said, relieved his voice was calm.

  “Can I do anything?” She stood there, almost imploring him to help her.

  Everything hardened inside him. “No. Everything is under control. Frank took care of most details.”

  “Jake, I’m sorry.” She stood marooned on his carpet.

  He extended a lifeline from his own grief anesthetic. “Congratulations on achieving your goal.”

  “I passed my defense, yes.”

  He glanced around the wood paneled office. His framed diplomas hung on the wall. “I understand field research but I didn’t expect to be a subject.” His gaze caught the photo of the !Kung Village.

  Suddenly he needed her to leave. He glanced at the closed door.

  “Could you consider forgiving me?” she asked in a hoarse voice.

  “I’m not big into forgiving your deliberate deception to me, but even more so, to him.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Jake.” She extended her hands toward him, palms upward.

  He swiveled his chair toward the window. “You’ve made your point,” he said evenly.

  “I’ll leave but remember you don’t even know me. We could resume our friendship and see where it goes?”

  He recognized Robin’s voice. He shook his head. He was going crazy.

  She appeared at his side with a tentative smile. “Frank also said you can never have too many friends.”

  “How would you know what he said? You weren’t there?”

  “But I was Jake. I was. I was his friend. I was your friend, too. Both in and out of the disguise.”

  He remained silent. He didn’t know how to respond to her. A part of him wanted to continue to see her, would miss her tentativeness, followed by her strength to be a friend to Frank and to him. He would miss seeing her and assuring him he had done the best he could. Wait, that was Robbie. He’d miss her playfulness, her needing him for support when she felt vulnerable. Wait, that was part of her research. The woman standing beside him could never feel vulnerable. But that is exactly what she was, standing beside him, asking for another chance.

  Finally he said, “As Frank might say, or might have said, friendship is based on respect and trust.”

  Somewhere his brain registered his need to project protective indifference. Jake ran his hand over his chin. “Friendship.”

  “Believe me. I’d like be your friend. I will be, if you let me, give me time to explain why I did what I did.” She paused and her eyes welled up again. She ran a tongue across her lips. “Was-was the end hard for Frank?”

  Jake’s stomach knotted, remembering that final breath. “No, he went peacefully. Look, I’ve got final arrangements to make. If you get the newspaper, you’ll read the details in his obituary.”

  “Th-that’s good. I’ll leave you to your plans. Goodbye, Jake. Please know I’m truly sorry. But I’m glad I got to know him. He was a gentleman.” She closed the door silently behind her.

  Jake’s chest tightened. If Robin came to the
memorial service, it would probably be the last time he’d see her. Even though the city was small, it wouldn’t be the same. He’d met people and enjoyed their company all of his life and then left them behind. He would do it again.

  As he returned to his desk, he spotted a priority post envelope from his old university sitting in his inbox. How did he miss this? He sat, then tore open the end with little enthusiasm. The enclosed letter stated that the auditor had found the missing funds. He put the letter down and put his face in his hands for a moment. Then he picked it up again and read the details. One of his associates had been influenced by the childhood poverty they had witnessed due to AIDS and had handed out cash to starving mothers and children. He’d emptied his pockets that day as well. He recalled the village orphanage, where it seemed as if children looked after babies, because thirty-two percent of children were orphaned as a result of AIDS. Now he knew money was just a stopgap. It didn’t bring back the parent they had lost either. He was in their shoes now and he was educated and he didn’t know how to take care of his orphaned status. Another tentative rap on the door brought him back to the present.

  “Coffee.” Nadine stood with a steaming mug in her hands.

  “Thank you.” And on her heels, Christie, his student from Anthropology 100 approached, stopped, then shifted from foot-to-foot with her paper in her hand.

  “What can I do for you, Christie?” Jake asked.

  “Professor Proctor, I just need your help with this one detail please. I have to hand this paper in today.”

  “Let me have a look.”

  It took all of Jake’s will power to focus on his student. His mind wandered like a piece of fluff in the wind.

  But one thought became clearer and solidified. His reputation was safe. He was free to return to Ottawa, or anywhere in the world. There wasn’t anything holding him here anymore.

  Robbie followed the well-worn path through The Regina Cemetery, where they had the rule that every marker was to be placed at ground level. There were no interesting monuments to find her way to the place where Jake and the minister, along with the other mourners, would meet. An employee of the cemetery directed her toward the burial plot on this Friday, the day of the Frank’s final resting place. It was as bright and clear as a solitaire diamond, and Robbie felt as cold and alone in the fat suit. She’d put it on with extra care and attention as her tribute to Frank. Although the sun shone, it brought no warmth as they stood around the gaping hole, with the mahogany casket suspended on belts, ready for the last words to be said. Robbie glanced at the marker to see ‘Beloved husband, father, and friend’ chiseled in the marble for all to see. This was a legacy to be proud of. She wanted to hope that she hadn’t lost the right to be a friend and that Frank knew in the end that she hadn’t trashed his trust for her own selfish goals. If only he’d lived twelve more hours, she’d have known for sure that he’d heard her explain everything while he slept.

  Her eyes filled and the tears fell unrestrained as she watched Jake, proud and tall, with a handful of dirt ready to drop.

  “My grandfather was a man who honored people, and accepted them as they were. He listened when they talked about their lives. He always called a spade a spade.” A few people chuckled. “He did not worry about what others thought. I wish he had been able to stay around longer to share his wisdom and courage with me.” With a shaky breath, he continued. “And now you should all know what advice he gave for this day. He wants us to share good food, a hearty laugh, and a genuine friendship. So, after we leave the cemetery, we’ll meet in the recreation hall at Care Manor and we’ll enjoy his last wish.”

  Afterward, Robbie could not bring herself to return to the hall and mingle with those who came to share memories of her friend, Frank. She was not ready to purge her guilt with self-forgiveness. She just wanted to go home to her mother and be her little girl.

  With the attention of a robot, Robbie drove the short distance north on Highway 11 and descended into the valley with the bluffs and curves like the backs of giant cows hunkered down to wait out a storm. She sang along with the tunes of the eighties. She thought about the beautiful forest-green empire waist dress she would buy for her graduation day. She had to purchase her father’s imported licorice from the nut and candy store for Christmas and she could probably get her mom’s special herbal tea blend at the health food store down the street. But what was Jake going to do without Frank and without her? Frank had asked her to take care of Jake.

  When she parked in front of the two-story Victorian house, her shoulders lifted out of their slump. Home. She took a moment and squeezed into the rocking chair on the open front porch. With her hands snuggled into her pockets, her nose covered with her scarf, she rhythmically rocked the chair with her feet, creating its age-old comforting motion.

  “Hello?” her mother called out of the door. She wore Christmas red even though it clashed with her copper hair, which she had knotted on top of her head.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “Oh, it’s you.”

  Robbie laughed a little. She had forgotten that she was in disguise. “I need a few minutes.”

  Her mother stepped carefully in her satin slippers and bent down and kissed Robbie’s cheek. “I’ll put on the coffee.”

  “Thanks.”

  The rhythm seeped into her soul and gradually she became aware of the sparrows flittering amongst the branches of the evergreen trees.

  When she went indoors, she found herself surrounded by garlands, colored glass balls, twinkling lights, and porcelain villages. The Christmas tree seemed to reach the top of the second floor with the angel that anchored the gold ribbons hanging down the branches.

  Robbie hugged her mom. “It’s beautiful.”

  Her mother stepped back and shook her head at her daughter. “Here, let me hang your coat in the closet. You must be very hot.”

  “No, not too bad. If I know I’ll be indoors for a long time, I can put cold gel packs in little pockets around the abdomen.”

  “Clever. Are you sure you don’t want to change? You’ve got some workout clothes in your bedroom. I could lend you some lounging pajamas.”

  Robbie shook her head. “I’m honoring Frank. Today was his celebration of life.” She glanced at the plate of festive cookies. “He talked about his wife’s favorite recipes during this season. They always baked Jam Jams. She’d roll out the dough and bake the cookie. He was the thimble-hole-cutter man and jam-assembly-line person. His job was spreading the strawberry jam on warm cookies and pasting the cookie with the thimble hole on top. He felt he contributed to their Christmas container that they delivered to their neighbors.” She sat at the kitchen table with a glass vase filled with pinecones and Christmas balls. “The year she couldn’t do what she loved, they moved and got the assistance they needed.”

  “Megan, Robbie’s car is on the street. Is she in yet?” her father called from the den.

  “I’m in the kitchen, Dad.” She played with the tassel on the placemat.

  “Nice get up,” her father said as he entered the kitchen.

  “This is the disguise that allowed me to experience so many different emotions.” Robbie stood and turned around for her mother and father to see her from all angles. “I drove here from the cemetery. I couldn’t go to the hall. Jake still won’t talk with me.”

  “This is the guy whose grandfather you visited almost every day. This is the same guy who you took home from the park like a lost puppy. Come on, he deserves whatever he got if he didn’t recognize you.” Her father always championed her creativity.

  “Dad, look at me. I’ve changed my eye color, I wear glasses, see my gum line. Lots of people don’t recognize me.” Robbie stood with her hands on her ample hips.

  Her father brought cookies to the table. “I can’t imagine a warm-blooded man who would be insulted that his friend put
all that she had into something she believed in.”

  “That’s just it, Dad. Don’t you get it? Without this padding, we shared some intense moments, but we were mindful that he was a professor and I was a student, but when I was in disguise we were friends.”

  Her father sat down, his thick salt-and-pepper hair parted and combed. His glasses rested firmly on his straight nose. His clean-shaved chin with a dimple comforted her just as he had all her life. “But you are Robin, so you are his friend.”

  “Give yourself a break, Robbie.” Her mother patted her shoulder. “Drink your coffee. Have one of your father’s cookies.”

  “The examination committee understood. Jake’s smart, but he had a lot on his mind.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Guys always need friends. Right, Megan?” Her father placed a plate of gingersnaps on the table.

  Robbie thought about her parents’ relationship. They had known each other for thirty years. They were friends and lovers. Mabel and Frank had been friends and lovers, too. Maybe there was hope. “Guess I’d better take my backside back to Regina and be a friend to Jake.”

  “You may as well stay for dinner, dear, we have a few things to discuss with you,” her mother said, refilling her mug with steaming coffee.

  Robbie thought about the feelings Jake had shared. He’d wished he had spent more time with the people he loved. “I’d enjoy that.”

  “It’s my turn to make dinner,” her mother said.

  “Oh, don’t fuss. How about using the leftovers from the roast chicken from last night’s dinner?” Her father’s eyes twinkled.

  Ever since she was a child, her father had cooked and baked. He enjoyed it and was good at it. He always worked and cleaned up as he went along. Robbie and her mother did not venture into the realm of exotic meals. The simpler, the better was their motto.