Addicted to the Light

by S. E. Amadis

  “You know, you could sneak into Lindsay’s mobile home right now, while they’re all at that gathering thing,” he cried. “Sure, Lindsay might get a start when she sees you there. But I doubt she’d tell anyone.”

  “And what if the girl from the restaurant arrives first,” I retorted.

  Grant shrugged.

  “Ask her to indulge you. She seems nice enough.”

  I turned the idea over in my mouth. It sported a rather appealing flavour. I thought it might just work.

  I began to pick my way over the brambles and bushes towards the clearing, my heart pumping madly in my chest and thudding in my ears. There were a few metal pipes on the ground along the perimeter. I was shaking so hard I nearly tripped as I stepped over them.

  I crossed an open field and reached Lindsay’s trailer. The battery-powered guiding lantern burnt over the doorway. I eased the door open cautiously and peered inside.

  It was empty, as I’d expected. I climbed into the minuscule space, then on a hunch, I left the door open and crouched in a corner, out of sight of the door and feeling grateful I’d had the foresight to follow Grant’s suggestion and dress all in black.

  Every once in a while I jumped up and peeked through the window, too jittery to remain still. At last, the door of the main lodge opened, spilling golden light out onto the rough dirt path, and Lindsay traipsed down the stairs side by side with another slender girl, whom I took to be Tikvah.

  I had the sudden inspiration to reach out and shake the lantern so that Lindsay and Tikvah would notice it moving about before they arrived, and not freak out when they saw me.

  This had the desired effect. Both girls came careening towards the trailer shrieking.

  “It can’t be the wind,” Lindsay was crying out, breathless. “Maybe some animal’s caught...”

  “What if it’s a ghost?”

  “Don’t be silly, Tikvah. Ghosts don’t exist.”

  I held my hand out in front of the light, letting the beam outline it clearly.

  “Someone’s in our trailer,” Tikvah gasped out in alarm. “What if it’s a man? A bad man?”

  I waited until they stopped in front of the door.

  “I’m not a man,” I said in a muffled voice, hiding my mouth behind my sleeve. I knew they couldn’t make me out clearly yet. “Don’t be scared. I just wanted to chat.”

  Tikvah squinted her eyes and peered warily into the darkness.

  “Who are you?” she demanded.

  But Lindsay stepped back with her mouth gaping open.

  “I’m just a friend,” I murmured. “I just wanted to talk with you for a moment. Don’t tell anyone, please.”

  “Annasuya?” Lindsay yelped. “Is it you?”

  I took a step towards the door and held out my hands.

  “Don’t tell anyone,” I repeated. I saw that my hands were trembling.

  “I won’t. Oh I won’t.” Lindsay grabbed her roomie by the arm. I noticed red marks underneath the tips of her fingers as she dug in with her nails. “Tikvah, don’t tell anyone. Please, please, please, just let me have this moment with my friend.”

  Tikvah could only gape at Lindsay, wide-eyed. Her face scrunched up in disgust.

  “I thought we could trust you, Tikvah,” she spat out towards Lindsay. “Now I’m sure you’re going to leave with her. Well I’m not letting you out of my sight not even for one single minute.”

  “She’s not coming with me,” I told her firmly. “I just wanted to talk with her. I care about her.”

  I turned towards Lindsay.

  “I care about you, Linds. I miss you, and I was wondering how you were.”

  Lindsay climbed into the trailer with me, and we melted into each other’s arms. Tears glistened in her eyes.

  “Are you unhappy here?” I whispered into her ear. “Do you want to come back with me?”

  She sniffled and shook her head.

  “I’m very happy here,” she declared in a loud voice. I knew it was for Tikvah’s sake. “Very happy. It’s just that I’ve missed you so much.”

  She pulled away and held me at arm’s length.

  “Do you want to come and live here with me? With Romeo, of course. Won’t you at least think about it? We could be together again, the three of us. And Calvin can come too, if he likes.”

  Lindsay grabbed me in another unending, endless embrace, burying her face in my shoulder and sobbing without restraint. We clung to each other for a long time. I wished time would freeze at this very instant and keep us together forever. But then Lindsay forced herself away from me.

  “Well, think about it, Annie,” she said in a thick voice, stumbling over her words. “Really, really think about coming here to live with us.”

  She turned her back towards me.

  “But if you won’t, then it’s best you forget about me.”

  Tears streamed down her face as she spoke. She made no move to wipe them away.

  I reached out and tried to grasp her shoulder, but she shifted away from me.

  “I can’t forget about you, Linds. I’ll never forget you.”

  Lindsay’s back stiffened.

  “And no matter what, no matter how long it takes, if ever you need me, I’ll be there for you. You can count on me. No matter how long it takes. You hear?”

  Lindsay buried her face in her hands.

  “Get out,” she ordered, her voice stifled by her hands.

  I swallowed. “Linds?”

  “Get out.”

  Her voice was firmer this time, almost hysterical.

  “Tikvah!” she called. “Accompany Annasuya to the entrance. I have no idea how she got here, but she must have a car. Take her to the entrance and let her find her way to her car. If she refuses to leave, take her to the main house and call the police. Report her for trespassing.”

  “The police!” I gasped out in astonishment. My hand flew to my throat. “I thought you guys didn’t have anything to do with the outside world.”

  Lindsay ignored me. Tikvah climbed into the trailer and seized my elbow.

  “Well, sometimes the outside world has its uses,” she remarked gruffly.

  I tore away from her.

  “I’m leaving. I’m leaving. No need to be so rough,” I grumbled.

  I dropped down out of the trailer and started towards the parking space.

  “No need to accompany me either. I know the way,” I told Tikvah with impatience.

  Heedless of my words, she stuck to me like damp papier-mâché until we reached the parked vans, then stood there at attention and glared at me until I disappeared down the trail.

  “I’m going to warn the elders about you,” she hissed after me. “The only thing you’ve accomplished is that now they’re going to be extra vigilant with your friend. She’s happy with us. Can’t you just accept that?”

  I pulled myself up proudly. But I felt butterflies fluttering inside me at her words.

  Much as I hated to admit it, I’d just made it about a gazillion times harder to steal Lindsay away.

  Chapter 19

  Grant reached out to pat my hand awkwardly.

  “Well, I guess you’ve heard the lady,” he said. “She wants to be left alone. She doesn’t want to have anything more to do with us. So even though it pains me more than you can imagine...” He dropped his head looking towards the ground. “I suppose I just have to accept the inevitable: I simply have to forget about her and move on with my life. I’m sure one day I’ll find the right girl for me.”

  He started plodding towards his car.

  I wrung my hands. It seemed to be proving so easy for him to just give up on her. But I couldn’t shrug Lindsay off so easily. How long had Grant known her? They’d only been going out for a few months. But Lindsay and I had been best friends since high school, and now we were both in our thirties.

  I couldn’t imagine not having Lindsay’s shoulder to cry on when things went wrong in my life. Luxuriant dinners on the weekends exploring new restaurants
and lingering over dessert to laugh and cry. Endless walks on the beach. Hiking together on the numerous trails surrounding the city. Drinks and disco on Friday nights. Boyfriends could come and go, but Lindsay and I had remained steadfastly together through it all.

  “What did Lindsay do with my cat?” I asked all of a sudden out of the blue.

  Grant shifted next to me.

  “She gave her to me. When she gave me her CD’s and DVD’s. I thought she simply wasn’t up to keeping pets anymore.” He gazed at me. “Why? Do you want her?”

  I shook my head.

  “I can’t keep pets in my building.” I paused. “How are you getting on with the cat?”

  Grant shrugged.

  “Actually, I’m enjoying it. She keeps me company.” He thought for a minute. “I’d never had a pet before and... I’m finding I actually like it. Think of all the things I’ve been missing out on over the years by never keeping a pet.”

  “She used to be mine,” I told him. “But I gave her to Lindsay because I moved.”

  “And you called her Chocolate Cake?” Grant stared at me with a blank expression.

  I giggled. “No. I called her Miss Pussy. Lindsay called her Chocolate Cake.”

  Grant blinked. “Well, I think I’ll continue calling her Chocolate Cake. At least that name will always remind me of quirky ole Linds.”

  I gulped. I felt like Grant was already writing Lindsay off. Preparing a place in his life for a new person to fill, and dumping Lindsay out like a piece of discarded rubbish.

  We pushed our way through the dense foliage towards Grant’s car.

  “Don’t you want to keep trying?” I said. “We can’t give up on Lindsay, just like that.”

  Grant stopped walking and fixed me with a stern glare.

  “You heard what she said. She doesn’t want anything to do with us. Not unless we join her in her so-called pseudo-religion, that is.” He grimaced bitterly. “Well, I for one don’t want to be with a person who judges me for what religious leaders I choose to follow or not follow. That’s not loving me for who I am.”

  Romeo nudged at me.

  “I’m hungry, Mimi. Can we have some ice-cream.”

  I glanced at him.

  “We’ll do better’n that, sweets. Let’s go and pick up a full dinner.”

  Grant looked down at his watch.

  “It’s nearly eleven o’clock at night. What restaurant’s open at this hour?”

  “McDonald’s!” Romeo chimed up ecstatically. “Come on, Mimi. We’ve spent the whole day surviving on nothing but ham sandwiches and I’m starved.”

  Of course we ended up pigging out at the local McDonald’s in the nearby town. It was the only venue still open at that hour anyway.

  “You know, Annasuya. I’m going to sell Lindsay’s car,” Grant ventured as we climbed back into his car after dinner. “I don’t need two cars. And the money would sure come in handy. Would you be interested in buying it?”

  I chewed on my fingernails, relieved I no longer had to put up with bitter nail polish. I figured it was like being a smoker. I simply had to resign myself to the idea that I was never going to succeed in giving up this nasty habit.

  “How much are you asking for it?”

  “Well, you know it’s brand new. Lindsay’s had it for less than a month so... Obviously I’m not selling it cheap.”

  “Then no.” I shook my head. “And it isn’t brand new. She told me it was second-hand, but anyway. My business is only just beginning. Any little bit I earn, I have to invest it back in the business. But if you manage to hang onto it, maybe I could afford it in a year or so.”

  “I doubt I can wait that long. I’m a poor student on loans, you know.” He guffawed unpleasantly.

  We drove the rest of the way to the city in silence. Grant dropped Romeo and me off at our apartment, then headed home.

  “I’ll be in touch,” was all he said as he pulled away. I knew I would probably never hear from him again.

  After a hot shower for both of us, I tucked Romeo into the futon in the living-room of our one-bedroom, then lingered in my empty queen sized. I wished Calvin was here. Then I could have snuggled up next to him and talked about how desolate and bereft I felt without Lindsay.

  How was it possible to feel so strongly for someone who wasn’t even my blood? Lindsay felt like a sister to me. The sister I’d never had. Possibly even closer than a sister, considering how many sisters argued all the time. In the twenty years we had been together, I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times we’d argued. And in fact, more than argue, as in violently fighting and screaming over something, most of the time it had merely been cordial disagreements.

  She’d saved my life twice. Both Romeo and I were alive today thanks to Lindsay.

  No. How could I just forget about someone who meant so much to me, just like that?

  Chapter 20

  Lindsay and I were carving out a trail through the forest. We were seventeen. I felt a fresh, cool breeze on my skin. My sweater was scratchy and my running shoes scuffed along on the rough dirt trail, leaving faint tracks and kicking up dust that rasped in my throat and tickled at my nose.

  The forest got dark, gloomy. The sun scuttled behind a cloud, and a creeping mist swept up out of nowhere, tingling against my fingertips, crawling through me deep into my bones.

  All of a sudden Lindsay let out a little shriek. I froze on the spot. Something chill swept over me, niggled at me on the edges and plopped down into the pit of my stomach.

  “What’s up, Linds?” I asked in a whisper.

  Lindsay didn’t utter a single word, only clamped one hand over her mouth while gesturing wildly with the other. I glanced in the direction she was pointing.

  A giant, lumbering grizzly lurched into view through the delicate spring buds and pale greens of growing leaves. It paused, raised its muzzle and sniffed at the air. I knew it could tell we were there, even though it wasn’t looking at us.

  “Didn’t they say something about playing dead?” I murmured.

  Awkwardly, painstakingly, I lowered myself to the ground and threw myself out face down. Beside me, Lindsay followed suit.

  “It’s probably got babies it wants to protect,” Lindsay hissed. “It’s spring. Isn’t this when babies are born?”

  I had no idea when baby bears were born, but I knew that baby sheep and baby cows were born in spring. So I supposed it would only be logical that bears would be born in the same season as well.

  “Why are we lying on the ground?” Lindsay whispered. “Shouldn’t we be trying to run away?”

  “Well, I heard you’re not supposed to run.”

  “How about we inch ourselves away, then.”

  So that was what we tried to do. But our moving only seemed to fascinate the bear. It started stalking towards us. The more we wriggled, the faster the bear walked.

  “What say you we stop moving?” I suggested.

  We both lay still, curled up like rags on the ground.

  The bear lumbered towards us. When it reached us, it started digging at us with its snout.

  “She smells like a mommy,” Lindsay mumbled.

  I thought it smelt like wet fur and greenery and moss and saliva. But I figured it was best not to argue the point at this moment.

  “Shut up,” I returned. “Dead people don’t talk.”

  She clamped up.

  The bear nuzzled at us with its fetid snout for a while. It growled faintly, then nibbled on Lindsay’s arm without pressing down. Lindsay started squealing. That only seemed to spur the beast on.

  “Shut up,” I hissed again.

  Lindsay bit her lip. But she couldn’t stop trembling.

  I decided to lure the bear away from her. I began creeping along the ground, inconspicuously, digging in with my elbows and dragging myself across the dirt. My heart thudded so hard I was sure the bear could hear it. He turned his attention to me — I couldn’t quite bring myself to associate something so massi
ve and threatening with a female — and began poking at me with his snout. Drool dribbled over me. I wanted to wipe it away in disgust but I didn’t dare.

  He lifted a great forearm and pawed at me, lightly, playfully, without digging in with his menacing claws. I hoped he would think I was a toy or something, rather than food.

  Lindsay began to convulse on the ground.

  “Stay still,” I hissed at her through closed lips.

  I could tell she was really making the effort, biting her lips and shaking hard. Her limbs jerked about in all directions, out of control. The bear turned from me to her, suddenly enraged, and raised a paw, this time with its claws outstretched aimed belligerently towards her. Thinking fast, I rolled away on the ground.

  “Here, Rover, Rover,” I gasped out.

  It was probably the most ridiculous thing I’d ever said or done in my life, but it was the only thing that occurred to me. My heart pounded so hard I felt it in my stomach as well as in my chest. The urge to leap up and hightail it out of here triple time was almost unbearable. But I knew I wouldn’t win. Bears run faster than anyone.

  The bear turned back to me, then raised a padded claw and shoved at me, like a cat playing with its food. My breath caught in my throat. I started thinking of all the things I’d always dreamt of doing and probably never would now. Travel. Have kids. Own my own business.

  Cuddle up with my mother again.

  I felt a soft, leathery pad crush down over my shoulder, gouging stiff wool fibres into my skin. It was like an enormous, oversized dog paw. The bear snuffled at me and pushed me around with its padded paws for a few seconds that dragged out to me and felt eternal. I held my breath, frozen on the spot.

  A final sniffle, then the bear moved away, still fixing me with its unwavering gaze. I watched and waited for it to disappear out of sight. My breath rasped out and I was afraid this slight, almost imperceptible movement would draw it back. But it continued to stomp away.

  Our nemesis sauntered off on all fours until it disappeared at the edge of the forest. Lindsay and I continued to lie there where we were, numb, unmoving and chilled to the bone. We both feared it could return at any moment.