Addicted to the Light

by S. E. Amadis

  “So, Maisie tells me you’re all recovered now,” he cried. “And you seem to be doing just fine. You have no pain? No dizziness or feelings of light-headedness? Does anything bother you?”

  He floated over to the bedside and began checking Lindsay over. He shone a bright light into her eyes, whipped out a stethoscope and pressed it against Lindsay’s chest.

  “Everything normal as far as I can tell,” he explained in a reassuring voice. “I’ll have the nurse check your vital signs but as far as I’m concerned, if you’re doing just as well by tomorrow, I’ll be forced to let you go.”

  He stroked his chin sadly.

  “It’ll be a pity to see you leave. You brighten up the ward so much.”

  He tapped his pen against his clipboard.

  “So, Maisie told me your name is Tikvah and she gave us the information about your next of kin?” He tilted his head towards Lindsay for confirmation.

  Lindsay nodded.

  “So, then you belong to some sort of community? That’s not exactly next of kin. Do you have any relative at all that we can contact? A parent, perhaps? A husband? Boyfriend, even?”

  Something seemed to occur all of a sudden to Lindsay.

  “If you don’t know who I am or where I come from, how did you know to contact Annasuya?” she hissed, her eyes narrowing.

  The grin that spread over Bogdan’s face then was absolutely Machiavellian.

  “Oh, you’ve caught us out,” he exclaimed.

  Leaping forward, he dropped his pen and clipboard to the ground and secured Lindsay’s wrists in an iron grip.

  “You’re not getting out of here until you hear me out, Lindsay Johnson,” he screamed, making an exaggeration of emphasizing Lindsay’s name. “So, you’ve got us figured out, I see.”

  He turned towards me.

  “Thank you for coming, Annasuya,” he said, his face grim. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone with my patient now.”

  I felt rooted to the spot.

  “No,” I heard myself say, almost as if hypnotized. “I’m not leaving you here alone with Lindsay. Not until I know what you’re going to do to her.”

  Bogdan grinned again. Evilly.

  “I’m just going to have a heart to heart with your friend.” He assessed me up and down. “I promise I won’t hurt her. I won’t even lay a finger on her — unless she resists.”

  He turned and glared pointedly at Lindsay.

  “Yes, that’s right, Lindsay. If you cooperate, you’ll be out of here faster than a donkey can blink an eye. But you dare oppose me and...” He left his threat hanging in the air.

  Lindsay turned entreating eyes towards me. The look on her face was that of a terrified and defiant child.

  “You won’t leave me alone here with this monster, will you, Annasuya?” she shrieked.

  I shook my head.

  “I’m not leaving, Linds.”

  “Tikvah!” Lindsay screamed with all her might, and made gestures as if to hurl objects at me. “My name is Tikvah!”

  I leapt to my feet, suddenly feeling cold-hearted and relentless.

  “I’m not staying around, Lindsay, if you insist on using that stupid fake name,” I cried.

  Bogdan gifted me with a disapproving glare.

  “We don’t say anything disparaging about the religious group while our, er, patient, is not in agreement with us yet,” he growled. “As far as your friend is concerned, there is nothing stupid about her name. In fact, she doesn’t even find it fake either. From her point of view, it’s her real name now. Her legitimate name. And as long as that is what she feels, we respect that. Do you understand me, Annasuya?”

  I threw my hands up.

  “Whatever you say.” I gazed at the ceiling. “I haven’t the faintest idea what’s going on or how this works now... doctor.”

  Bogdan fixed me with a steely gaze.

  “How this works, Annasuya, is you leave me alone in here with my patient for a while. No arguments. We do things my way. I’m the doctor here. Capish? I need time to be alone with my patient to carry out certain... tests... on her. Do you agree?”

  He cleared his throat.

  “I’m the one who runs this circus, Annasuya. Here we do things my way. I’m the expert here, not you. If you don’t agree, I can simply walk out, and you will never see me again.”

  For one instant I considered letting Bogdan do just that. But I knew that if I did that, Lindsay would simply hightail it back to her community the moment she stepped foot out of this room, and this time I really would never see her again.

  I choked back my pride and concern and nodded at Bogdan.

  “Very well,” I said, and stormed from the room.

  As the door swung shut behind me, I heard Bogdan’s droning voice on the other side:

  “Let’s begin with that name of yours, Lindsay. Or should I say Tikvah? Remember when you used to present yourself to everyone as Lindsay? Remember when your mother used to call you Lindsay? When was the last time you heard her call your name? Do you remember people holding you in their arms, cuddling you, crooning the name Lindsay to you? Or perhaps it was Linds? What did they used to call you, when you were a baby?”

  He continued, but I didn’t hang around to hear any more. I turned tail and dashed up the staircase and threw myself out into the gelling arctic wind.

  *

  It was three in the morning.

  I ran all the way down the deserted lane that led back towards the city, hiding my cheeks from the chilling wind in my fleece coat collar, tears pricking my lids. Tears of rage and impotence. Tears of guilt.

  I wasn’t familiar with this part of town, which appeared to be a neighbourhood of abandoned warehouses. Powdery snow swept underneath my boots, and the skeletons of unused boats creaked in the wind. At last I reached a major thoroughfare — I didn’t know what street it was — and hurried along it until I chanced upon an empty taxi circulating about.

  The taxi driver dropped me off in front of my building. I approached the doorstep, laid my gloved hand on the door handle — but then I simply couldn’t bring myself to go in. I dropped into a dejected heap on the doorstep, shivering in the wintry night, and wiped tears from my eyes. I could have kicked myself. What kind of a best friend was I, anyway? How could I have left Lindsay behind all alone in there?

  I sat there for what seemed an immense chasm of time, nearly freezing to death in the sub-arctic wind. In the end I couldn’t help turning around and heading back towards Eglinton, the major thoroughfare near my home.

  I hailed a taxi and fumbled in my pocket for the bit of paper where I’d originally jotted down the address Bogdan had given me. I pulled my mobile out of my pocket, discovered I had turned it off, many hours ago. When Calvin had texted me, in fact. I switched it on. It was already near six o’clock. It felt as if I’d only left Lindsay minutes ago.

  I hurried into the run-down building, relieved there was no one there to block my way. I was surprised to find Lindsay all alone. I’d expected Bogdan to stay with her.

  Her eyes were open, but she didn’t turn to look at me at the sound of the door slamming behind me. I rushed to her side and clasped her hands.

  “Lindsay. Oh Linds, I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have left you alone with him,” I gasped out. Then stared at her, feeling my eyes pop out of their sockets.

  Because Lindsay didn’t move.

  Not one whisper of a movement.

  Not one muscle.

  But her eyes continued to gaze at the ceiling while her chest rose and fell, indicating to me that she wasn’t dead.

  Her eyes stared, but they weren’t glassy or glazed over.

  Lindsay could hear me. She understood what I was saying.

  She just couldn’t respond.

  I screamed.

  Chapter 30

  I grabbed hysterically for my mobile, fumbled with it with groping fingers. It fell out of my thick, clumsy gloved hands many, many times, until I stopped to yank off the gl
oves. I crashed my finger over Bogdan’s number. The call went to voicemail. I tried again.

  “Damn you, Bogdan! What the hell did you do to her?” I shrieked.

  Then suddenly Bogdan was there by my side, as if he had materialized out of the very air itself. He laid his hand over my phone and stroked a finger over my lips.

  “Hush, hush, Annasuya. That’s not how you should be acting towards a doctor.”

  He jerked his head slightly, indicating Lindsay.

  “Because, as you’ve rightly guessed, she is perfectly capable of seeing everything and hearing every word we say. Although...”

  He turned slightly and studied Lindsay with impersonal curiosity.

  “On the other hand, the cat’s out of the bag now anyway. Lindsay knows everything now. She knows who I am and why she’s here. She knows what I plan to do to her.”

  He bowed his head towards me.

  “She knows you are the one who hired me. So what do we have to hide?” He grinned.

  I raised my hand, ready to hit him, but he anticipated my move and ducked away.

  “Now, now, now, Annasuya. We should be civilized, really we should. This is no way to behave. I haven’t done a thing to hurt your dear friend. She’s only paralysed, temporarily. The medication should wear off in an hour or so.”

  I gaped at him.

  “What did you do to her?” I cried.

  He flashed a plain white plastic medicine bottle with some teensy writing on it at me.

  “Rohypnol,” he told me with a grin. “Dissolved in her orange juice. Causes temporary muscle paralysis but in low doses, doesn’t impair memory. Or at least it shouldn’t. So she should remember every single damn thing I’ve told her.” He glanced down at her without much concern on his face. “It’s the perfect ally. No long term harmful effects. Non addictive at just one dose. But it kept her docile as a puppy while I spoon-fed her some very grim, hard-to-face facts about her life and her, ah, adopted family.”

  I could only stare at him uncomprehending. He opened his eyes wide.

  “You’ve never heard of the date rape drug?”

  Numb, I could only shake my head.

  “It paralyses you temporarily. So she had no choice but to listen to me. She couldn’t argue with any of the facts that I told her. She couldn’t cut me off. Couldn’t cover her ears, turn away or go somewhere else. She had no choice but to swallow it all.” He laid his hand firmly on my arm as I opened my mouth to protest. “It was the best way. There was no other way she would’ve listened to me. She would’ve fought every word I said. She wouldn’t have heard a thing otherwise.”

  I pointed with my chin at Lindsay.

  “So. Do you think it was worth it? That... illegal substance? Do you think she believes you?”

  Bogdan stepped away from me.

  “She’d better,” he replied gruffly. “I was only telling her the truth. The whole truth, no matter how much it hurt. It’s always best to know the truth, Annasuya... and Lindsay.”

  He directed his last words at Lindsay as he surveyed her with clinical impassivity. She continued to lie as still as a marble statue. Bogdan made his way towards her, stroking his chin and contemplating her with a certain air of arrogance.

  “So, Lindsay. You must have figured out by now, good people don’t do what your Elder Brooks nearly did to Annasuya. Yes, she told me all about it. Dousing her with gasoline, almost setting her on fire. He might have fooled you with his soft, deceptive words. His gentle-appearing gestures. But it’s the actions that count. By their actions you shall know them, as they say. And what I see is a man who tried to kill your friend. For me, that is not a good person. That is not a fit leader. I call that type of person a murdering maniac.”

  He turned and pointed at me.

  “Would you still side with a man who almost killed your best friend? Do you still want to go back to him? Your friend Annasuya could have been dead by now. If she hadn’t stopped him, with her own words, by her own resources. Would you still have forgiven him, if as a result of his actions Annasuya was dead today? You’d still prefer that cold-hearted murderer over your own best friend?”

  Lindsay’s eyelids fluttered slightly. I could see her straining at unresponsive muscles. Clearly she wanted to say something, but her lips and vocal chords refused to obey her. I pressed my hands over her arm.

  “Don’t worry, Linds. Whatever you want to say, as soon as you’re able to say it, I’ll listen. I’ll be here.”

  Her lids strained even harder. But other than that, she made no further movements. I crossed the room and sank into the armchair.

  “I’ll stay here, Bogdan,” I said.

  *

  Hours must have passed. I fell asleep. When I woke up, I saw Lindsay staring at me, mute, unblinking. Her lips trembled when she saw me looking at her.

  “I’m sorry, Annie,” she said, her voice the barest of whispers. “I put you through all this.”

  I shot up bolt upright.

  “So you believe us?” I cried. “You’re going to stay away from that group, for good?”

  Lindsay smiled wanly.

  “I want to. But I’m-I’m terrified. We’ll all go to hell and burn in everlasting flames for disobeying them. If I don’t go back, we won’t be resurrected when the Messiah comes. We’ll be extinguished. Once you and I die, we’ll never see each other again. Have no hope of ever being together again in all eternity with the Messiah and all the Righteous Ones.”

  I pulled myself next to her bed and grasped her hands.

  “So you’d rather stay with the group and get resurrected, without me?” I said, hardening my features as best as I could. “Because there was no way I was ever going to join you. So I would’ve gone to hell with all the rest of the outside world. And you would’ve been resurrected. But you wouldn’t’ve ever seen me again. Because I would’ve been in hell.” I cocked my head at her. “That’s what you wanted?”

  Lindsay’s eyes widened in alarm.

  “No!” she exclaimed. “No, Annasuya, never. I’d never want to be separated from you.”

  I grabbed her hands even harder.

  “Look, Linds. I care about you so much, I’d prefer to burn in hell with you, rather than flit about all happiness and light in heaven without you.”

  Lindsay grimaced.

  “I’m sorry, Annie,” she said at last, and I could see tears brimming over in her eyes. “I almost did that. I betrayed you, I guess. They had me so brainwashed, I would’ve gladly gone to heaven with them and left you behind.”

  I reached out and hugged her as hard as I could.

  When Bogdan returned, I asked him if Lindsay could come out with me now. But he shook his head, adamant.

  “No. It’s too soon. It’s very common for ex-members like her to suffer a... a relapse. They regret their decision to return to this world, and rashly make the move to go back to their religious community. Their fears get the better of them — or their feelings of guilt.” He inclined his head towards Lindsay. “She needs more time. Give her a few more days.”

  He clapped his hands over my back.

  “Go home, get some rest. Have something to eat. How long has it been since you last ate something?”

  I gestured towards Lindsay.

  “And Lindsay? She hasn’t eaten a thing since you brought her here.”

  Bogdan cleared his throat.

  “That’s easy to remedy. In fact, this very minute Maisie’s doing some shopping for us. She should be here any minute.”

  As if summoned by a magic wand, Maisie waltzed in through the door as he finished speaking, a steaming bag filled with McDonald’s goodies clasped in her hands.

  “I’m sorry.” She smiled apologetically. “There was nothing else open with takeout nearby at this hour. It’s only ten o’clock in the morning, you know. And this neighbourhood’s waaay empty. Seems only street dogs live here.”

  Bogdan clapped her heartily on the shoulder.

  “Many thanks, Maisie. Shall
we just let Lindsay dine away, or rather, breakfast away, while Annasuya goes home and grabs a bite for herself?”

  He waved at me.

  “Once you’re feeling refreshed, you can return, Annasuya, and have a heart to heart with your friend if that’s what you’re inclined to doing. I promise you, I’ll take perfect care of her. I won’t touch a hair on her head if she behaves with me. Scout’s honour.”

  He held up a hand with three outstretched fingers.

  “I bet you were never a Scout,” I mumbled to myself. But I gave in and left.

  *

  I was groping my way up the metallic staircase when someone pushed past me, rudely shoving me aside.

  “Hey!” I screamed.

  Whoever it was ignored me and continued down the stairs, his burly figure enshrouded in a thick, dark, nondescript overcoat, then headed towards the corridor where Bogdan was holding Lindsay.

  It took me a full minute before I realized that there wasn’t supposed to be anyone else here.

  No one else was supposed to know about Lindsay, or where Bogdan was keeping her.

  So who was this individual? And what was he doing here?

  Jolted into reacting, I raced after him.

  I came within tackling distance of him just as he burst in on Lindsay and Bogdan. Before I could shout out a warning, he had already ploughed his way in. I couldn’t see what was happening, but I heard a yelp. Grunts. Blunt slaps, and the crunching sound of someone toppling to the ground. A minute later the burly figure roared out, dragging a still prostrate, weakened Lindsay in his arms.

  Instinctively, I tried to jump on him, which was the only thing that occurred to me to do. He barrelled me aside with brute force, knocking me to the ground and clouting my head so crushingly against the concrete I saw stars. As he whirled away from me, I barely managed to catch a glimpse of a scrubby beard and swarthy features. The image came to me of the North African husband of Chaya.