by Barbara Gee
“When it’s right, it’s right,” Andi said confidently. “Charlie and I met on the beach the summer after we graduated from high school, and got married two months later. Sure, we almost imploded after he was injured, but even during that awful time, I never, ever doubted that we loved each other. We were young and impulsive, but I knew he was the one for me that first day on the sand.”
Izzy smiled dreamily. “Oh man, I love you and Charlie so much, and I love your story.”
“Me too. I can’t wait to tell our children about it one day.”
“Speaking of which, is your pregnancy nausea getting any better?”
“This week was a whole lot better than last week, and my doctor said I can expect that trend to continue. Which makes me very happy.”
Izzy’s phone rang then, and she grabbed it from the pouch behind her seat. “Hang on, Andi,” she said, pulling off the road and coming to a stop. “This is probably my realtor and I need to take the call.”
It was indeed Gloria, reporting that the home inspection had gone very well. She was in the process of emailing Izzy a copy of the report, so she could decide whether any of the issues noted were ones she wanted the current owners to take care of prior to the sale becoming final. The realtor also told her that since she would be paying cash for the property, the closing could take place very quickly.
“The ball is in your court, Izzy,” Gloria told her. “I would suggest going through the home inspection report closely, and don’t hesitate to ask the owners to take care of any items of concern. They can always say no, but my feeling is they’re really happy about the possibility of a quick, cash sale, so that gives you some leverage.”
“I’ll go over it this evening,” Izzy promised. She thanked the woman for her help, then texted Tanner to let him know she had the inspection report, and Gloria hadn’t seen any deal breakers.
As Izzy had hoped, Tanner responded promptly and offered to look at the report that evening when they were together.
He was so awesome. She could hardly wait to see him again.
***
Tanner let the weight bar drop back into the stand and sat up, straddling the bench as he wiped his face with a towel.
“What do you mean you never thought you’d see me tamed?” he asked, glaring across the room at Ryan.
The other man grinned maddeningly. “I mean exactly what I said. Care to tell us how it happened?”
Tuck slowed his treadmill to a more sedate pace. “Yeah, Tanner, tell us how our little Izzy got so far under your skin, you’re practically groveling at her feet.”
“I don’t grovel,” Tanner ground out, flinging his towel at Ryan as the man walked over to perch on an exercise bike beside the bench Tanner was using. “Is that why you guys invited me to work out with you? So you could quiz me about Izzy?”
“That, and it looks like you’re getting a little soft around the middle,” Tuck said with a serious look on his face. “We don’t want to send you back to Luther looking like this.”
Tanner’s hand went automatically to his rock-hard abs, and the other two burst out laughing.
“Being unusually gullible is another sign of having your life turned upside-down by a gorgeous female,” Ryan teased.
“I guess you guys would know,” Tanner jabbed back.
“Guilty as charged,” Tuck said with a low chuckle. “Maddy turned me upside-down, right-side-up, and everything in between. Meeting her and falling in love was the most confusing, exhilarating time of my life. She’s a force of nature.” He eyed Tanner knowingly. “Much like Izzy, I suspect.”
Because he’d thrown his towel, Tanner wiped the new sweat on his face with the bottom of his tee shirt. “I’m not in love.”
“You sure about that?” Ryan wondered.
Tanner stood and paced to the window in Tuck’s home gym. “Maybe not, but if I am, I shouldn’t be.”
“Why?” This time Tuck was the one to ask.
Tanner blew out an angry breath and turned to face them, his hands on his hips. He had come a long way in accepting his feelings for Izzy, but he couldn’t deny he still carried a good deal of guilt about allowing himself to take things this far, knowing Izzy was going to suffer when he left.
He really didn’t want to talk about it, but short of him storming out, this conversation was going to happen. “Why shouldn’t I love her, you mean? I don’t know, maybe because I’m going to soon be living with a bunch of lunatics intent on blowing up my countrymen, and one wrong move could mean I won’t be coming back to her. Is that a good enough reason?”
“No, actually, it’s not,” Tuck said firmly.
Tanner’s eyes narrowed. “Look, I know you both care about Izzy. You don’t have to pretend you aren’t ticked that I let myself get attached to her, and her to me. Believe me, I’m all too aware it was a selfish thing to do.”
“Yeah, we do care about her, which is why we’re glad she’s fallen for a good guy like you,” Ryan said with conviction. “It’s not selfish, Tanner. Having a dangerous job doesn’t obligate you to walk away from a relationship when you’re lucky enough to have the right girl come along.”
Tuck nodded. “He’s right. Although I have to admit I understand how you’re feeling, because I used to feel the same way. I carried a lot of guilt over my relationship with Maddy. I even tried to break it off.” He barked out a laugh. “I wish I could treat you to the speech she gave me when I tried to tell her all the reasons why it wouldn’t work, why I couldn’t allow her to choose to be with me.”
“The point is, we get it, Tanner,” Ryan said. “We struggled with some of the same issues. You might think the noble thing would be to break it off before things go any further, but we’re strongly suggesting you let that be up to Izzy. She’s a grown woman, capable of choosing what she wants. Luther leveled with her last night, and now she knows exactly what she’s getting into. You need to let her make her own choice.”
Tanner walked over to the hanging bag and pulled on the gloves lying on the floor beside it. “I’m doing that. I’m not fighting it anymore, but I still feel like it’s totally selfish on my part. If I’d told her everything sooner, she might not have made the same choice. I feel like I led her on, and now she’s stuck with the consequences because we were already in too deep.”
“I know Izzy pretty well,” Ryan said. “I’m pretty sure she doesn’t feel stuck.”
Tanner eyed the bag hungrily, badly needing the release. “I should have stayed away from her, not even given her the time of day. That’s what I intended to do, but she wore me down. Fast. Before I knew it, I couldn’t get enough of her.”
“She’s special,” Tuck remarked. “If you let her go, I highly doubt you’ll find another woman who can measure up.”
Ryan came over and leaned his weight up against the back of the bag, holding it still as Tanner landed a string of warm-up punches.
“I agree with Tuck,” Ryan said. “Girls like Izzy are few and far between. If you’re lucky enough to find one and fall for her, and have her feel the same way about you, you’d be a fool not to accept that gift.”
Tanner wanted to believe them. He wanted to let their assurances ease his guilt, but he wasn’t quite there yet. He squared up to the bag. “I’m gonna hurt her.” Punch punch. “I’m gonna leave and have no contact with her.” Punch. “She won’t know where I am, or who I’m with.” Punch, punch. “She won’t know how long I’ll be gone.”
He looked at Ryan, then landed another series of punches. “She won’t know I’m missing her every minute of every day. She’ll start doubting whether I want to come back to her, and then she’ll wonder why she ever thought it could work in the first place.”
Ryan took a stronger grip on the bag as Tanner began his onslaught in earnest. “Don’t underestimate her,” he said over the noise of the heavy, thudding punches. “The girl knows her mind, and she’s strong.”
Tuck spoke up again. “Do you honestly think she’d have done things any differ
ently, even if she’d known about your job from the beginning? Did anything she learned last night seem to give her second thoughts? I don’t know for sure because you guys left so quick, but I’m guessing the answer to that is no.”
Tanner kept landing punches as he thought about Tuck’s question. His muscles burned and his hands throbbed, even with the thick gloves. He vividly remembered every moment he’d spent with Izzy so far. Her sparkling eyes, her laugh and her smile, the uninhibited caring she lavished on him. Her initial desire for something as simple as a smile.
He also remembered her words the night before, when she’d told him he made her life better, and she’d meant it. In spite of everything, she’d meant it.
As his fists pounded the bag in physical release and all things Izzy whirled through his mind, he realized he couldn’t hold on to both—the guilt and the girl. He had to let one of them go, and it wouldn’t be Izzy. He’d already tried and failed at that.
He kept punching, sweat drops flying every time a fist made contact. Finally, he sagged against the bag, his forearms and forehead flush against the worn leather, his chest heaving with exertion.
Tuck gave him a moment to catch his breath, then pressed on. “Now answer the question, Tanner. Do you think Izzy would do it differently, if given the chance?”
“No,” Tanner ground out, his voice gravelly but strong. “No, I don’t think she would do it differently. And yes, it feels good to acknowledge that.”
Tuck nodded approvingly. “There’s one other thing you need to keep in mind while you’re gone.” He handed Tanner a towel and waited for him to dry his face and arms before continuing. “Izzy has a strong support system here. She and Andi are best friends, and she has us and our wives, along with Jolene and Boone, and Virgil and Kay. It does complicate things somewhat because she can’t share your actual situation with the others, but all she needs to do is tell them you have to leave for an unknown amount of time and can’t have contact, and they’ll all accept that and be there for her. She won’t be alone.”
“The biggest thing is her faith,” Ryan said. “She’ll find comfort in that. She knows God will give her the strength she needs to get through.”
Tanner had to smile at that. “The girl sends me Bible verses every morning and makes me memorize them. She wants me to remember them when I’m away.”
“She wants you to have what she has,” Ryan said matter-of-factly. “We all do.”
“Yeah,” Tanner acknowledged. “She’s doing her best to convince me God cares about even me.”
Tuck clapped a hand to his shoulder. “Maybe you should try believing it.”
Tanner shrugged. “Maybe I should. Maybe I do. I’m not sure, to tell you the truth.”
“Just be open to it, my friend. Let the Holy Spirit work.”
“It’s hard,” Tanner told them. “When I’m undercover, I see a lot of terrible things done in the name of religion. When it’s used as an excuse to kill everyone who doesn’t agree with you, it’s not attractive to me.”
“Don’t seek religion, seek Christ.”
“Listen to the man,” Ryan advised. “It changed my life, and I know it can change yours.”
“I’m not questioning that it’s real,” Tanner said, “I’m just not sure it’s for me.”
Tuck laughed. “Then prepare to be convinced, my friend, because you’re going to have a lot of prayer warriors asking Him to knock you on the head, or whatever needs to be done, to make you see the light.”
Tanner wasn’t offended by the frank talk. He knew both men genuinely cared about him, and he appreciated their efforts, even if he wasn’t totally sold on the notion.
“I’m trying to be open to it,” he told them. “I’ve looked up Izzy’s verses, and read some of the chapters they’re in. I’ll admit, it’s made me think about a lot of stuff.”
“Baby steps,” Ryan stated. “Nothing wrong with that. How about you come to church with Izzy tomorrow? That wouldn’t be a bad next step.”
Tanner shrugged. “If she asks, I’ll consider it.” He walked over to the gym bag he’d brought and checked his phone. “Geez, it’s almost lunch time,” he remarked. “I didn’t plan for this workout—or should I say inquisition—to take all morning.”
“Same time, same place next Saturday,” Tuck teased.
“We’ll see what the week brings.” Tanner zipped up his bag and the other two followed him out of the gym. When they entered the great room, Maddy called to them from the kitchen, offering something to drink, but Tanner thanked her and declined.
He glanced at his friends before opening the front door. “Thanks for the workout, and for setting me straight on some things. Believe it or not, I do appreciate it.”
“Always a pleasure to set you straight,” Ryan said with a laugh. “But seriously, Tanner, we’re here for you. Any time.”
Tanner nodded and left with a smile. He was lucky to have them for friends, and he knew it.
***
Izzy was riding her bike past the cabins when a car drove up behind her. She looked back and saw Tanner behind the wheel, a smile on his handsome face. She waved and sped up, riding up to her front porch as he parked the car in front of his cabin.
“Morning,” she called when he got out.
“It’s actually afternoon,” he replied. “By two minutes.”
She cocked her head and looked him over. “Are you all sweaty?”
“Yep. Just finished working out with Ryan and Tuck. They don’t mess around.”
“I can imagine.” She waved him over. “Come sit on my porch. I’ll make you a sandwich quick, since it’s afternoon. You can eat while I ask some questions.”
A dark brow slid up as he walked toward her. “Questions about what?”
She hunched her shoulders, her smile apologetic. “Your job, if that’s okay.”
He smiled. “If the sandwich is good enough, I’ll talk.”
“Cool. I’ll be right back.”
“I can’t come in?” he asked.
She wrinkled her nose. “No. We’re both sweaty and gross. Best to stay out in the fresh air instead of stinking up my cabin.”
He chuckled and sat obediently on the top step while she hurried inside. A few minutes later, she came out with two paper plates, one holding two sandwiches, the other just one.
“Take a bite and see if it’s good enough for a conversation,” she teased, handing him the plate with the double and sitting on the step beside him, leaning back against the railing post so she was facing him.
“Go ahead with your questions. You know answering them isn’t dependent on the food.” He took a bite. “It is good, though,” he said with his mouth full.
Izzy set her plate aside. She’d been hungry earlier, but now she just wanted to talk. “Okay, so I’ve been thinking about our talk last night. When you told me about the boy, I could see how much it affected you. You’re still agonizing over it years later, and I’m guessing that’s not the only time you’ve been forced to make a really tough choice.”
He looked over at her, his dark eyes shadowed. “You’re right. It’s not.” His eyes moved over her face, then he turned and stared straight ahead, his jaw tight. “This isn’t my favorite thing to talk about, but I don’t want it to be a barrier between us. If you have questions, I’ll answer them the best I can.”
“I’m not asking for specifics,” she assured him quickly. “I don’t want to make you relive things that hurt you. It’s just that I don’t quite understand why you’re still putting yourself through it. Even Agent Luther said you’ve already given more than they have a right to expect. Yet you’ve agreed to do it again, and I can’t help but wonder why.”
He took another bite of his sandwich, chewed slowly and swallowed. “It’s not because I want to. And it’s not because I enjoy it, if that’s what you’re wondering. Living with men who embrace hatred and violence, all in the name of a religion most follow peacefully—that’s pretty much the opposite of enjoyable.”
“That’s what I figured. So why do you do it?”
He set his still full plate beside hers. “I hate the day to day slog of it, but the whole picture—the strategy of getting from start to finish—is something that suits me. I like to win. I like the challenge of outsmarting the bad guys. Beating them at their own game, then seeing their faces at the end when they realize they’ve told a federal agent all their secrets. Knowing they’ll never be free to walk the streets of America again.” He gave a low grunt. “I have to say, that’s all pretty satisfying.”
“Satisfying enough to make up for the parts that leave scars?” she asked softly.
He looked at her and shook his head, his eyes steady on hers. “Not by itself. But when it’s combined with the sense of duty and obligation I feel to my country and the bureau, then yeah. It is enough. I make a difference, and in some cases, I’m the only one who can.”
Izzy watched him. She could tell saying that made him uncomfortable, and she wondered why. He answered before she could ask.
“I realize that sounds like I have an inflated view of my own importance.” He rubbed his knuckles along his jaw. “So does this, but the thing is, I really am good at what I do, Iz.”
She nodded. “Agent Luther said you’re the best.”
“Maybe.”
Izzy leaned over and took his hand, slowly threading her fingers through his. She truly admired him for caring enough to actually do something to make things better. She also hated the danger it put him in, and the suffering it brought on him.
She squeezed his hand and sighed. “I think I understand, Tanner. I’m trying to, at least. I just wish it didn’t have to be you.”
“I know. I do too, especially now.” He shifted to face her, bringing their linked hands up and pressing the back of hers briefly against his lips. “But if not me, who, sweetheart? Someone else’s boyfriend or husband? Someone else’s mother or son?”
Izzy bit her lip and shook her head emphatically. “No. No one should have to do it. We should be better than this.”