Eight Goodbyes

by Christine Brae

  She looks up at him, tears still rolling down her face. “I can’t see you anymore, Will.”

  “I know,” he answers. “But tell me this. Is it this easy for you? To say goodbye?”

  “When I met you, I threw away my past and didn’t look back. Simon once told me, the past matters. It matters because I lost the most important person in my life. It matters because I never said goodbye to him. Because I have the chance now to make it right. No, it’s not easy at all. But I don’t have a choice.”

  Tessa knew a large part of his pain would be that of missing Ciela. She’s become like a daughter to him. “Listen,” she sniffs. “I know this isn’t much, but you can always come and visit Ciel. I’ll be traveling for a few weeks and she’ll be with Riley. And even after I get back, you are always welcome to see her.”

  “What are you going to do, Tess? What if he’s no longer available?”

  “I need to close this chapter of my life, regardless of his situation. Ciel and I need to move on. Maybe I’ll move away, start writing. Who knows?”

  “Yeah,” he says, his tone low and quiet. “Who knows?”

  His voice is flat, his chin trembles.

  With a step back, she releases him. “I’m going to let you go now, Will. Thank you for everything.”

  “I love you, Tessa. Whatever these two years were to you or to me. I love you.”

  GIRL IN 7C: @Disconnected, where are you?

  GIRL IN 7C: @Disconnected, please, please, send me a message.

  GIRL IN 7C: Not giving up, @Disconnected!

  GIRL IN 7C: @Disconnected - help me to find myself. I’ll be waiting where it all began.

  Four messages over the past week, and still no response. Yet she goes, thinking that if anything, she could take a break, clear her head and try to move forward.

  The park looks much smaller, the giant Ferris wheel no longer daunting. She wonders why she never even noticed its name. The High Roller. While she stands in line waiting to board, she discerns every single detail. The tulips lining the sidewalks, faded red and pink and yellow, the palm trees that seem to tower above the rooftops blowing in the wind, brightly lit neon signs announcing each store, each shop, each stand. And the people. Were there that many people before?

  She realizes she had been lost in him way before she even recognized it. There was no one else, nothing else, but her and him even way back then. This time, she is standing, hands on the rails, eyes on the clouds in front of her. She remembers every detail of that day, the pictures, their conversation.

  The older lady next to her isn’t impressed by the view from the top. “Hmmph.” She turns to Tessa. “I suppose it would be better if our view wasn’t just of buildings and empty parking lots.”

  Tessa smiles back. “There are mountains too.”

  “Have you been on this before?” the lady asks. “What a waste of money. There’s nothing to see!”

  Tessa nods her head. She begins to wonder, what is she doing here alone?

  “I was here a few years back. It brings back good memories for me,” Tessa says. “And what brings you here?”

  “Well, my son and daughter in law are taking me on a trip of the west coast. My husband passed away six months ago, and they don’t know what to do with me,” she says, laughing. “I decided to give them both a break today and am spending the day by myself.”

  “Oh.”

  “My name is Millie. Millie Olson.”

  “I’m Tessa. How’s your day going?”

  “It’s going pretty darn well. I haven’t been able to spend any time alone since Peter died. It’s quite nice just having some time to remember. Peter loved Vegas. Between his horses and dollar slot machines. We were here at least twice a year. Before he passed away, he had finally purchased the RV he’d always wanted, and so we were taking many cross-country trips.”

  Millie has the kindest eyes Tessa has ever seen. They remind her of Jacob’s. Transparent and expressive. She used to be able to see Jacob’s every emotion through his eyes.

  “Sounds like you both lived life the way we all should,” Tessa says.

  “We did. He died suddenly. He slipped and fell in the yard one day and just never recovered.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Tessa says, reaching out to touch Millie’s shoulder. There’s just too much loss of love in this world. She doesn’t understand why everything good always has to come to an end. Is this the universal plan? Are we not meant to hold on to happiness?

  “Oh, no, don’t be. After he died, I tried to go back to see what he had left behind. And there was not one thing we said we’d do that we didn’t. Whether it be the simple joy of raising two children, bathing in the Dead Sea, walking through the Roman ruins, even betting on the winning horse. We had done everything.”

  Millie says this with the biggest grin on her face.

  It feels meant to be. That Tessa would meet this woman and receive this message. There is still so much living to do. With or without Jacob. Or Simon.

  Their pod comes to a stop, and people begin to disembark. Tessa loops her arm in Millie’s and helps her to step down from the ride. They walk a few steps in silence, arms still looped around each other.

  “Millie,” says Tessa. “I know a really cool place that serves the best banana splits. How ‘bout we walk down memory lane together? My treat!”

  “I truly enjoyed our time today,” Tessa says, as they stroll down the area of the strip called the Promenade. “Where did you say your son was going to meet you?”

  “Right over there.” Millie points to a billboard with a giant bowling pin. “Can you see the fountain by Brooklyn Bowl?”

  The two women deliberately take their time. Tessa relishes her time with her new friend; she’s sad to see her go.

  “Remember you’re always welcome to stay with me in Chicago. I went ahead and keyed in all my contact information into your phone. I would love for you to meet Ciela someday soon.”

  “And I, as well,” Millie says as they face the giant fountain. A large gushing spray of water surrounded by many metal spigots of different heights changes color every few seconds. It releases water in perfect rhythm with the music. “It would be such an honor to visit the home of a well renowned author.”

  Tessa throws her head back in surprise. Millie responds by winking at her.

  “You knew the whole time?”

  Millie opens her arms and allows Tessa to step in. This is what it must feel like to be in the arms of your mother. Safe. Secure. Protected from all harm. She will always be this for Ciel.

  “Thank you,” Tessa whispers. “For sharing so much with a stranger.”

  “You’re no stranger, my dear. You’re a wonderful woman just at the beginning of the greatest adventure of her life. Remember, Tessa, have faith in love. Whether or not you find him, it’s the journey that will mold you, build your character. Never regret anything you do from the heart. Never fear, never doubt you will find love again.”

  “His love is all I want,” Tessa whispers.

  “I know, honey.” Millie lightly rubs her back. “Unfortunately, time is temporary. It passes. You have to live with what you have here and now. Contentment, acceptance, these things are hard to come by. But if you spend your life living in the past, you’ll never be able to truly appreciate the present. And by the looks of it, you have so many people here and now who want to be a part of this new chapter of your story.”

  And with that she turns around and walks towards a handsome man with silver hair. Her son.

  Tessa takes a seat along the stone wall of the fountain, feeling lost and alone. In front of her is a store displaying colorful cupcakes, lined up neatly on many shelves. She watches as the people sitting under brightly lit patio umbrellas engage in lively conversation. She tries to lose herself in the flurry of activity in front of her. It is only a matter of time, she tells herself, I’m going to have to accept the fact that I’m all alone.

  For
the next few minutes, she opens the airline app on her phone and saves some information on direct flights to Paris. And then she sends another message. This time, she wants to let him know it’s okay. That she understands.

  GIRL IN 7C: @Disconnected, yes, it was love at first sight. And I will write our story.

  Slowly, she gathers her purse and hops off the ledge. She fixes her eyes on the ground, making sure that she doesn’t stumble along the uneven brick stones.

  “Tess.”

  She looks up, her eyes are so clouded with tears, she can hardly see. But there’s no mistaking that voice.

  It’s him.

  She hurriedly wipes her eyes. His hair is still thick and unruly, but his face is clean and shaven. There’s something different about his stance, although he still looms over her. He looks leaner. And save for a few tiny lines around his eyes, he’s as beautiful as ever.

  “Simon!” She strains to lift herself up on her toes and throws her arms around his neck. “Oh Simon!”

  He wraps his arms around her and crushes her to him. And when she lifts her head up to look into his eyes, he caresses the back of her head and runs his fingers through her hair.

  “Your hair,” he says, smiling. “It’s so long.”

  She nods her head, still in shock, closing her eyes and savoring the feel of him.

  “You came,” she says.

  “I couldn’t stay away anymore. I tried to avoid you, after you sent that first message, but I had to see you. Had to know that you were all right.”

  He tilts her chin up and gently wipes away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Can we talk, Tess? Coffee or something?”

  “Yes,” she says. “Coffee is good.”

  With the strip coming alive at this time of the night, noise is everywhere. Hand in hand, they walk in silence until they reach her hotel. The touch of his skin feels familiar, yet the way he holds her fingers feels forced. They find a cabana suite, one of ten lined up along the pool, completely empty and dark. It’s art deco in an overstated sort of way, bamboo screens separating each area, metal chaise in white, pillows in blue, pink and black. The walls as well as the upholstery are highlighted with prints of different shapes and sizes—hearts, circles, squares and diamonds. It’s a psychedelic outburst, loud and in true Las Vegas style, not far from the clashing of emotions elicited by their encounter.

  Simon leads her to the closest set of chairs, eager to cut the silence between them. Tessa stands frozen in place, shaking her head. It’s the orange cabana.

  “Let’s find another one,” she says.

  “Yes, sure,” he answers. “I’m sorry.”

  Tessa finds it odd that he sits at one end of the L-shaped couch while she sits on the other. They both lean forward, she with her legs crossed and her hands to her sides, Simon with his hands clasped resting on his knees.

  She starts out by making small talk, afraid to dredge up anything that might push him away. “How are your parents? Adrian and Ashleigh?”

  “Everyone is well. Henry now has two more little brothers. Twins. Evan and Angus.”

  “Oh my!” she exclaims. “Ashleigh has her hands full!”

  He nods His eyes bear into her and she looks away. “And you? Do you still live in Chicago? Are you—”

  “No, no.”

  His face registers nothing. This feels more like a job interview.

  “Who do you live with?” he asks.

  She hesitates, makes sure she gives nothing away. It’s not the right time—they need to get over the niceties first. “No one, just me. But I see Riley quite often.”

  “Riley. Yes. How is she?”

  Where are you, Simon? I can’t find you.

  She squints for a moment, wishes she could see past the thick film of nothingness in his eyes. “She’s doing as well as expected. She married Liam.”

  She sees a slight smile break through. “Liam? The guy in Athens?” he asks.

  “Yes!” She laughs. “He was Jake’s best friend from med school. So, she’s still living with a doctor. She’s also in advertising. An executive with a firm called Amazon Turner.”

  “And you? Are you still writing?”

  “I’ve gone into consulting. For a publisher based in Chicago. I don’t like to move around these days.”

  He shakes his head. “I find that hard to fathom! You loved to travel!”

  “Well, I have responsibilities now.” She drowns her own words with a fake cough. Too close.

  “And how is that different from obligations?” he asks.

  She wonders if this is the point of no return. She doesn’t even know how much time they have.

  “It just is.” Years ago, her obligations impeded her ability to love him. Ciel is a welcome presence in her life. To her, that is the difference.

  Simon rubs both hands together. He tilts his head to the side, and then looks at her again. “You dropped out of sight.”

  “So, did you,” she counters.

  “You don’t…?”

  “What? I don’t what?”

  “Nothing,” he cuts her off.

  “I want to explain it to you,” she begins.

  He nods again.

  “I disappeared on purpose. I didn’t want Jake to get lost in the story. They kept referring to him as my brother. And he was the hero in all this—he needed to be honored and named along with everyone else who died that night. The never-ending coverage became unbearable for me. I couldn’t turn on the TV without reliving the incident.”

  “Tess.”

  “The news had a blow-by-blow account of the event. But I couldn’t recount those final few seconds. I couldn’t even remember his touch, his words, what he did, what he looked like. Was he scared? Did he suffer? What occurred next? Were you there?”

  Her voice cracks. She notices Simon pull back his instinct to reach out for her. She sees him dip closer and then retract all in a single movement.

  There’s an acceptable silence for what seems like five minutes. Permitted. It’s needed. Neither one is panicking, trying to find words to say. Both know that it’s their thoughts that matter. That each word must be carefully chosen.

  Simon breaks the silence. “So here we are.”

  “Here we are,” she says, her voice inaudible.

  “What made you want to find me?” he asks.

  “Your call. After that, I couldn’t take not knowing how you were.”

  “I have to share something with you,” he says, looking up and then down and then staring straight ahead.

  She sits up and tucks her hands under her thighs. This is it. He’s going to tell her he’s married. He has a family, and everything is too late.

  “I had open heart surgery. As a matter of fact, when I called you, I was about to enter the operating room.”

  She closes her eyes and shakes her head. This is worse than she expected. “Open heart?”

  “The hole in my heart never healed, obviously. I finally had a heart attack while on a climb in Kilimanjaro.”

  He climbs mountains now?

  She throws all caution to the wind and moves closer to him. Sliding all the way down the L shape until she’s only inches away.

  “Oh, Simon! I’m so sorry! How are you now? Are you okay?”

  “Still recovering. I have my own business. It’s based in Minnesota. We completed our IPO six months ago, which is just as well since my doctor said I should probably take it easy. I’m transitioning out, staying on the board but leaving the management in more capable hands.”

  To lighten the moment, she taps his arm and gives him a warm smile. “Look at you. Retired at age thirty-three. But how come I never—”

  “You never saw me sick? I hid it well, didn’t I? I was already under medication then. But we only saw each other for days every few weeks and so it wasn’t like we lived together constantly. And it really didn’t bother me then. I felt fine, had regular check-ups, did sports and lived n
ormally.”

  “I thought they were your jet lag pills,” she laughed softly.

  “Right next to your hairspray.”

  “I still feel like I should’ve noticed it. I’m sorry I didn’t,” she says, wistful and regretful.

  “Don’t be. You are probably the reason why I felt great.”

  He pauses to take her hand in his. She looks up at him and smiles. “Okay, your turn. The writing?” he inquires.

  “I don’t know. Just haven’t been able to do it. After Lionel and Carissa,” she says, chuckling under her breath. “I gave them a bad ending by the way.”

  He laughs.

  She goes all in. She feels great about doing it. Like the old her coming up to the surface. “Do you remember,” she starts, her mouth curved up in a half smile, her voice coarse, sly, seductive. She taps the back of his hand.

  “I remember a lot of things,” he says.

  “This is where we first made love.”

  Boom. Simon pulls away, and it’s like someone pulled a lever on the imaginary gate and it falls right on her head. Or on her hand.

  “Tessa. No.” It’s a side of him she hadn’t seen since that day she’d barged into his room. The day he put his walls up after she’d stood him up.

  She rounds up the courage to try again. “Simon?”

  The canvas awning begins to flap in the wind. She refuses to hear anything else but his voice. And yet, the breeze is all she hears.

  “Please stay the night. With me.”

  “I can’t. I have my plane ready and waiting at McCarran. We take off in an hour. I had to do it this way, knowing I can’t stay.”

  “What then, Simon? What’s next?” she asks softly. Tessa sees the point of no return, yet she can’t help but wish she could still change things.

  “Oh Tess. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I called you because I didn’t know whether or not I was going to make it. I wanted to hear your voice, tell you how much I loved you.”

  “And that love? It’s gone?”

  “That’s not the point.”