Dreams to Sell

by Anne Douglas

  ‘So what happened?’ Roz asked desperately, glancing at Flo, whose face was so blank with misery, warning bells were already beginning to sound that she would not be able to take this blow. ‘Tell me what happened, Chrissie.’

  ‘We went for a meal in a little café near the Meadows,’ Chrissie said dully. ‘It was packed out with festival folk, and Richard said he wanted to talk, but it was too noisy. So we went to the Meadows and sat down on a bench …’

  ‘Yes?’ asked Roz. ‘He talked? What did he say?’

  Chrissie’s drenched blue eyes were looking away towards Flo, who was now lighting a cigarette, and Chrissie leaned forward.

  ‘Ma, could you give me a cigarette, please? Pass one over, and the matches.’

  ‘I’ll not have you smoking, Chrissie!’ cried Flo. ‘You gave up and now you want to start again? No, it’s bad for you. I should give it up too.’

  ‘I need a cigarette, Ma. I’m not starting again, but I want a smoke now. And don’t say I should have tea instead, because I don’t want any tea.’

  Chrissie, now red in the face, leaned over and snatched Flo’s Woodbines and matches. With trembling fingers she lit a cigarette.

  ‘There, that’s better!’ she cried. ‘That helps; it’ll get me through.’ She moved her gaze to Roz. ‘You were asking what Richard said? He just took my hand and told me he’d been asked to move to England. The bank was opening a new branch in Newcastle and it would mean promotion.’

  Chrissie gave a hard little laugh.

  ‘I thought I knew what was coming next. He was going to ask me if I’d go with him. If I’d marry him. And I was just going to say, “Oh, yes. Oh, Richard, yes!” when he looked into my face and said, “I’m afraid this means goodbye, Chrissie.” So, Roz, that’s what he said.’ She laughed again. ‘“Goodbye.”’

  As Flo gave a groan, Roz took Chrissie’s hand and squeezed it. ‘I can’t believe it,’ she said quietly. ‘That he could be so cruel.’

  But she did believe it. Thinking back to her meeting with Richard, she knew she’d sensed in him a disregard for others that had explained her distrust, and that had made her afraid for Chrissie. Yet now she’d been proved right it still seemed hard to take in that he could have been quite so callous. What had he thought? That Chrissie was just a waitress, of no account, enough to please him for a time before being put aside when he was tired? He must have known that she believed him to be serious. Couldn’t he have let her down lightly, made it clear from the start there would be no future for them?

  Roz felt her colour rise as anger swept through her and she longed to have Richard in front of her so she could tell him what she thought of him. As if he’d care! People like him were invincible; there was no way of touching him, because he didn’t care.

  ‘You’re well shot of him,’ Flo declared, putting out her cigarette and rising. ‘He’s a rotter, and that’s all I can say. It’s a good job he’s not left you with a bairn on the way, eh?’

  ‘Ma! As if there was any question o’ that!’ Chrissie cried. ‘I’m not that sort o’ fool!’

  ‘Like I say, just as well. Look, if no one else wants a drink, I do. I’ll make some cocoa.’

  ‘Are you all right, Ma?’ Roz whispered as she went to help, taking out cups and a pan for the milk.

  ‘All right? When Chrissie’s like she is?’

  ‘You know what I mean, Ma.’

  ‘I’m not going to be ill, Roz. Chrissie needs me and I’ll be here for her. No need to worry about me.’

  Thank God, thought Roz.

  They all had cocoa – Chrissie too, and then she said she’d go to bed.

  ‘And you needn’t go to work on Monday,’ Flo told her. ‘Mrs Abbot will understand.’

  ‘I’m not going back to the café, Ma.’ Chrissie, standing with her hand on the doorknob ready to go to her bed, was looking so small, so much a shadow of her usual self that the hearts of Flo and Roz went out to her. But what could they do? Only time would help.

  ‘I can’t face it,’ she added wearily. ‘Working where he came … All the girls laughing behind my back because I thought I was so grand, eh? Catching someone like Richard.’

  ‘They won’t be laughing,’ said Roz quickly. ‘They’ll feel sad for you, because they’ll know you loved him. You weren’t trying to be grand.’

  ‘Aye, they’re nice lassies,’ put in Flo. ‘They’ll understand.’

  ‘I still don’t want to work where he used to come,’ Chrissie declared. ‘You can tell Mrs Abbot, Ma, that I’m not coming back.’

  ‘See how you feel, pet. You might feel more like going back after a break.’

  But Chrissie only shook her head and went to get ready for bed, while Roz and her mother looked at each other.

  ‘This has been a bad day, eh?’ asked Flo. ‘And one I never thought I’d see. He always seemed the perfect gentleman.’

  ‘He was no gentleman, Ma.’

  ‘No, well, I’m thankful you’re all right, eh? With your nice Jamie?’

  ‘I hope so.’ Roz collected the cocoa cups for washing as Flo stared.

  ‘Why, you’ve no worries, have you?’

  ‘Oh, no.’ Roz’s face relaxed. ‘I can’t wait to see him again when he comes back on Monday.’

  Thirty-Two

  As soon as Jamie came into the department on Monday morning he made straight for Roz’s office, where he found her already waiting. They embraced and exchanged kisses, guilty though Roz felt about it, and soon freed herself from his arms and said she had something to tell him.

  ‘Not bad news, I hope?’ he asked lightly, though not smiling.

  ‘Not good. First, I have to tell you that Norma knows about us.’

  ‘Oh, Lord, that’s all we need. How? How does she know about us?’

  ‘Just by looking at us, seemingly. She told me on Saturday night before we went to a Fringe show.’ Roz took Jamie’s hands. ‘But it’s all right, she won’t say anything – she’s promised. We can trust her, Jamie. She wouldn’t let us down.’

  ‘Maybe not, but it’s the first crack, isn’t it? I mean, does she think anyone else suspects?’

  ‘She’s sure they don’t. They’re not likely to notice what she notices, she says.’ Roz’s grey eyes were searching Jamie’s face. ‘Anyway, you’ve always said not to worry, eh? That we’d be all right, and Mr Banks probably wouldn’t throw us out?’

  ‘I don’t believe he would, but something like this – I have to admit – it wouldn’t do me any good.’ Jamie laughed without mirth. ‘Five minutes into the job and I’ve fallen in love with my assistant?’

  ‘Well, there’s nothing we can do, unless …’

  ‘Unless what?’

  ‘I find another job.’

  ‘Another job? Oh, God, no – that would mean I wouldn’t see you.’

  ‘Yes, you would. We’d meet like we do now, after work. It’s what most folk do, Jamie.’

  ‘You wouldn’t want to go, though, would you? It wouldn’t be fair. Look, let’s leave it for now. See what happens. What’s the other bad news, then? You said Norma was the first bit.’

  ‘Oh, Jamie!’ Roz heaved a deep sigh. ‘It’s my sister, Chrissie.’

  Briefly, she told him what had happened, how Chrissie was devastated and unable to go to work, and he listened carefully and with sympathy, gently stroking her hands.

  ‘What a cad!’ he cried when she’d finished. ‘You always did say you couldn’t trust him. Why, I’d like to look him up and give him a punch he might remember! Smooth guy, wasn’t he? I’d roughen him up a bit.’

  ‘Not you,’ she said, smiling weakly. ‘No, he’s the type to get away with whatever he does. All I want now is for him to go to Newcastle as soon as possible, and for Chrissie to get over him.’ She moved abruptly to her desk and picked up the post. ‘Listen, we’d better get on with some work. Every day I feel more and more guilty.’

  ‘We’re selling just as many houses as before, and organizing sales better than ever. You�
�ve no need to feel guilty, Roz.’

  ‘How do we fit it in between kisses?’ she asked, trying to sound amused. ‘I think I might be better off in that new job I mentioned, after all.’

  But Jamie only shook his head as he left her for his own office, his shoulders drooping, and it came to her that he was in one of his ‘down’ moods again. How different he’d been when he returned from the Borders last time, bouncing in with a cheese for her, wanting to take her out for a drink! This time there’d been nothing like that, and if he’d been more worried than she’d thought by her news about Norma, that in itself was a sign he wasn’t his usual cheerful self. She could imagine a time when if she’d told him that he’d have laughed it off and said they’d nothing to worry about. Not now.

  Had something happened on his weekend? Or was his mood just part of the frustration he’d expressed before when they’d discussed their situation? She resolved to speak to him and discover what was in his mind.

  ‘How was your weekend?’ she asked at their coffee break. ‘You didn’t say.’

  He drank some coffee. ‘Fine. I always like to see the Borders.’

  ‘And your mother? Was she well?’

  ‘Just the same. Baking, cooking.’

  ‘Missing you, I expect.’

  ‘Can’t be helped, I’m afraid.’

  ‘I was just thinking you seem a bit down again. Did anything happen? I mean, to upset you?’

  He put his cup aside and stood up. ‘No, why should it? Look, what is all this? Why do you think I seem down?’

  ‘You’re usually so cheerful, Jamie, sort of unworried. But lately, you’ve been – different. Not all the time, just now and again, you know, as though you’ve something on your mind.’

  ‘Well, that’s it, isn’t it? I do have something on my mind. Haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes, but it doesn’t stop me being happy to be with you.’ Roz turned away. ‘I do get a bit depressed sometimes, about the difficulties, but when I’m with you I feel better.’

  ‘I’m the same.’ He caught her hand and squeezed it. ‘If I seem a bit depressed, it’s over the difficulties, just like you.’ He gave her one of his old smiles. ‘We’ll just have to sort them out, Roz. Of course, at the moment, you’re sad about your sister – I wish there was something I could do to help.’

  ‘There’s nothing—’ she was beginning when the door opened and Mr Wray looked round it.

  ‘Busy?’ he asked. ‘Or can you spare a moment?’

  ‘Just finishing coffee,’ Jamie told him. ‘Come on in.’

  Thirty-Three

  ‘Can I get you a coffee, Mr Wray?’ Roz asked, but he shook his head.

  ‘No, thanks, Miss Rainey. I’ve had my elevenses.’

  Advancing into the room, the painfully thin Mr Wray took a seat in one of the chairs for clients, adjusted his glasses and gave an uncertain smile. When Roz made a move to excuse herself to return to her own office, he held up a bony hand.

  ‘No, Miss Rainey, please stay. I really want to talk to both of you.’

  As Roz instantly looked towards Jamie, she was wondering if he was feeling the same sort of sudden, ominous sensation inside that was gripping her, but as his eyes left hers and met Mr Wray’s, he appeared totally calm.

  ‘So, what can we do for you?’ he asked pleasantly, at which Mr Wray fingered the frames of his glasses again.

  ‘It’s a bit awkward, really. I feel I may sound as though I’m intruding where I have no right … It’s just that I know I should speak to you – to both of you – and I hope you’ll take what I say as concern for your own well-being at Tarrel and Thom’s.’

  This is it, thought Roz, this is the blow falling. Somehow, she’d always known it would, but now that it had she felt curiously resigned. It had never been possible for her and Jamie to meet, to feel as they did without someone discovering their relationship, and if Norma didn’t count because she wouldn’t tell, Mr Wray would be very different.

  Not daring now to look at Jamie, Roz sat very still, keeping her eyes on Mr Wray, who was himself in fact having difficulty knowing where to look.

  ‘The thing is, Mr Shield, Miss Rainey,’ he began, ‘I happened to see you both the other evening when you didn’t see me. You were, I think I may say, rather preoccupied with each other.’

  ‘Mind if I ask where this was, Mr Wray?’ asked Jamie levelly.

  ‘That little restaurant, the Rowan, on the Peebles road. I’d gone there with my wife and a cousin we were entertaining. I saw you as soon as we arrived and meant to come over, but then I realized that you hadn’t seen me and maybe didn’t want to, and I said nothing.’

  Mr Wray waited a moment, perhaps expecting a comment, but when none came he cleared his throat and went on.

  ‘Now, I do realize that every member of staff here is entitled to a private life. Tarrel’s doesn’t own people body and soul. Nevertheless, Mr Banks has to consider the efficiency of the firm and there’s no doubt that when personal friendships develop, efficiency can be affected. That’s why such friendships – or relationships, if you like – are not encouraged, particularly when people work together, or, rather, wouldn’t be encouraged if there’d been any.’ Mr Wray halted. ‘Yours is the first.’

  ‘On the strength of seeing us together in a restaurant, you believe we have a friendship that might damage efficiency?’ Jamie asked, still keeping his tone level.

  Mr Wray now fixed him with his gaze. ‘Mr Shield, are you denying there’s something special between you and Miss Rainey? I did see you together, I may remind you.’

  Jamie was silent. Finally, not looking at either Mr Wray or Roz, he sighed deeply. ‘No,’ he said at last. ‘I’m not denying it. We’ve become … attached to each other.’

  ‘We never meant it to happen,’ Roz said bravely. ‘It just did.’

  ‘That’s true,’ Jamie murmured. ‘But I take the blame. I knew it wouldn’t be accepted here but, as Miss Rainey says, it happened and you can’t put feelings back.’

  He looked away, his face as serious as Roz had ever seen it. ‘I do blame myself,’ he said, his voice low. ‘I’ll always do that.’

  Mr Wray looked down at his hands, then slowly raised his eyes. ‘The point is, Mr Shield, what can be done?’

  ‘That depends on what you do, Mr Wray. I suppose you’ll be informing Mr Banks?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’

  ‘No?’ As he glanced quickly across to Roz, Jamie’s eyes were widening. ‘You’re not going to tell him?’

  ‘I’ve no wish to bring him in at this stage. All I want to do today is to warn you about the situation here and to tell you to take care. For a start, be very sure that your work is in no way affected. Can you promise me that?’

  ‘Yes!’ Roz cried promptly. ‘Work has to come first, we both know that, Mr Wray. But we’ve discussed something else, Jamie and I, that might be best for us.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ Jamie murmured. ‘No, Roz, I didn’t say it would be best. Don’t suggest it.’

  ‘I have to,’ she declared, and turned to Mr Wray. ‘What we thought – well, I thought – is that I should leave. Mr Shield is the professional, he hasn’t been here long and it would be a shame if he had to go. But I’m sure I could find another job and then there’d be no problem.’ She sat back in her chair, breathing hard. ‘That’s the way I see it.’

  Mr Wray studied her for a long moment. ‘It would also be a shame if you had to leave, Miss Rainey, because I know you’re happy here and you’re very efficient. We’d be sorry to lose you, but you’re right, it would be the best solution to your problems.’

  He rose to his feet and moved towards the door.

  ‘I must say, I feel somewhat happier now about this matter. I wasn’t looking forward to having to speak to you.’

  ‘Mr Wray, thank you,’ Roz said earnestly. ‘Thank you for your understanding.’

  ‘We’re very grateful to you,’ Jamie said. ‘Very.’

  ‘That’s quite all right.’ The l
awyer smiled briefly. ‘You may not believe it, but I was young myself once. These things happen – they’re not difficult to understand.’

  ‘Well, what do you make of that?’ Jamie asked when they were alone. ‘John Wray is human, after all.’

  ‘I can’t believe he’s not going to tell Mr Banks,’ Roz whispered. ‘He’s been really nice, eh? And we’ve been lucky.’

  ‘Lucky, when you’re leaving me?’

  She hesitated, her eyes searching his face, which had still not really lightened. ‘I think it’s the only thing to do, Jamie. If we want to keep on.’

  ‘Keep on?’

  ‘Keep on loving each other.’

  ‘I’ll always love you,’ he said quietly. ‘Always.’

  ‘But for now, maybe we shouldn’t go out so much? And definitely stick to what we said, about being above reproach at work.’

  ‘I agree. But we can meet sometimes? I mean, what else will we have?’

  ‘Maybe at weekends? Just till I find a job?’

  ‘What a future!’

  ‘When we’re not both working at Tarrel’s we can go out whenever we like – remember that.’

  It was all that made the future bearable, Roz reflected, returning to her office, for it was only the thought that she would be able to meet Jamie freely after she’d left Tarrel’s that made it possible for her to imagine going.

  Thirty-Four

  It seemed right, somehow, that when the lovely summer faded into autumn, the weather should match the mood of Roz and Jamie, Chrissie and Flo. There were golden days, it was true, but still the feeling of melancholy in the air, with the festival over, the exotic visitors departed, the Tattoo stands taken down from the castle to be put away for another year. What would come next? Falling leaves, days shortening, the first fires to be lit – all anyone could do was accept the new season and try to look on the bright side. After all, they did it every year.