Dreams to Sell

by Anne Douglas

  ‘Grace Kelly’s lovely.’

  ‘Yes, and everybody likes Gary Cooper. Fancy coming, then?’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Why not tonight?’ His eyes had taken on a sparkle.

  ‘All right, I’ll have something to eat first. What time shall we leave?’

  ‘Say, seven?’

  ‘Fine. Call for me then.’

  Roz ran ahead up the stairs and at her door looked back at Evan hurrying after her. ‘See you at seven.’

  ‘Seven.’

  Their eyes met. ‘’Bye till then, old friend,’ said Roz.

  As she smiled he laughed, a shade self-consciously, and watched her walk into her flat before leaping up the stairs home.

  Sixty-Two

  Sitting next to Evan in the cinema, as Gary Cooper fought off the bad men in his western town and Grace Kelly watched and waited, Roz found herself wondering why she was there. Had she really only wanted a night out as a change from the usual? Or had she had some more deeply buried reason for spending an evening with Evan? Time had passed. Though she grieved for the loss of Laurence Carmichael’s house and did not grieve for him, there was no other man in her life at present, and perhaps subconsciously she would like someone? Was she in fact ready to think of someone else?

  No. To think of someone else meant to care, and to care meant you were vulnerable. She’d been hurt twice – she’d been betrayed by men she’d believed in who had turned out to be quite different from what she’d thought. If she were ready to think of seeing someone else, what were the chances that she would be hurt for a third time?

  Glancing at Evan in the darkened cinema, it seemed to her that he was very relaxed sitting there, his eyes on Gary drawing his gun, so much at ease she couldn’t help but think she would be safe with someone like him. But how could you ever know a person until a crisis came? How could you know what was underneath those layers of calmness that Evan presented to the world?

  Another thought came to her – supposing she’d got it all wrong and he wasn’t interested in her, anyway? It was her mother who’d put the idea into her head, and of course the invitation to go to the cinema had reinforced it, but the fact was he hadn’t even taken her hand that evening. So what was she worrying about, then?

  Laughing at herself inwardly, she fixed her attention on the film, taking pleasure in seeing Gary triumphantly defeat the wrongdoers and face a wonderful future with his young and beautiful wife, until the credits rolled and the audience, feeling good, sat blinking as the lights came up.

  ‘Good, eh?’ Evan said, turning to her. ‘You enjoy it?’

  ‘Oh, yes, it was just what I needed.’ She smiled. ‘A bit of suspense – worry about Gary – and then the happy ending. Perfect.’

  ‘Want to see the B picture? That’ll be next.’

  ‘I suppose we might as well.’

  ‘Let’s have an ice cream, anyway, and think about it.’

  While they were eating their ice cream with wooden spoons from cardboard tubs, Roz discovered she was feeling surprisingly relaxed herself. There was something to be said for going out with someone who hadn’t declared himself, and might not even want to, as long as he was like Evan MacGarry.

  ‘Have you noticed how cinema ice cream tastes different from all other ice creams?’ she asked him. ‘They must make it differently.’

  ‘I think you’re right, but I’m just glad it’s around again. Remember during the war? Think the last ice cream I had in the war was in nineteen forty-three, just before my call up.’

  ‘What were you in? One of the Scottish regiments?’

  ‘No, Royal Engineers – the Sappers, as they call ’em. I didn’t want to be in the infantry – constructing things was more my style.’

  ‘And now you’re a draughtsman. What does that mean exactly?’

  ‘Well, basically, a technical designer. There are quite a few types you can be. Bob’s on the electrical side, and I’m what’s called a civil draughtsman. I work for a firm of civil engineers, preparing material for construction – could be roads, bridges, that sort of thing.’

  ‘Strikes me you’re a talented sort of guy.’

  ‘Wouldn’t say that.’ He laughed, a little pleased. ‘Might say it of you, though. Expert on houses, eh?’

  She scraped out the last of her ice cream and shook her head. ‘I don’t think of myself as an expert. And I’m not sure I feel the same about houses as I did. Going through a bad patch, maybe.’

  His eyes had their sympathetic look. ‘You’ve a lot to worry about just now.’

  ‘Yes.’ In the midst of the talk and movement around them, they were silent until Roz said, rising, that she’d put their tubs into a rubbish bin.

  ‘You really want to see the other picture?’ Evan asked, rising with her. ‘Or shall we just get some fresh air? It’s a nice evening out there.’

  ‘Let’s go, then. After High Noon whatever they’ve got will be a bit of an anti-climax.’

  ‘My thoughts exactly.’

  Coming out into the east end of Princes Street from the Princes cinema, the evening air was warm, the light still good, and they decided to stroll a little before going home. Tourists were everywhere, taking advantage of the good weather, milling round the Scott monument, window shopping in Logie’s and Jenner’s and walking in the gardens, where Roz and Evan joined them.

  ‘Have to take advantage of a nice evening,’ Evan remarked. ‘With our weather, you never know what you’ll get tomorrow.’

  ‘A good motto for life,’ Roz remarked. ‘Never know what’s round the corner.’

  ‘True.’ Evan studied her for a moment as they slowly made their way through the gardens. ‘But there are times when it’s something good.’

  ‘You’re an optimist. Hasn’t been my experience.’

  ‘Shall we sit down a bit? There’s an empty seat over there.’

  ‘Shows it’s getting late.’ Roz laughed as they took their seats. ‘You have to be lucky to get one of these in the daytime.’

  ‘Not too late, is it? I’m enjoying myself.’

  ‘Me, too, but time’s going by. These spring evenings never seem to get dark.’

  ‘We’ll just sit here a minute. There’s something I’d like to say, Roz, before we go back.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I daresay you can guess what it is.’

  ‘I’ll wait till you tell me.’

  ‘Well …’ He ran a hand over his face. ‘All I want to say is that I’d like it very much if we could go out now and again. I’ll have to be honest, I don’t mean just as friends.’ He smiled quickly. ‘That’s the bit I thought you might have guessed.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure what you felt, Evan.’

  ‘But you knew I was attracted to you?’

  ‘I thought you might be. But then, you might not.’

  ‘I thought women knew these things!’

  ‘They can’t be sure.’

  He reached for her hands. ‘You can be sure, Roz. But the thing is, I know the situation. I know you’ve been hurt and might not want to be involved with anyone else, and I can understand that. If you really don’t want to see me, well, so be it. But if you do, maybe we could just take things slowly – go out from time to time, don’t rush – see how things go.’ He released her hands. ‘Then you could see if you were interested in me, the way I am in you.’

  ‘Evan, I like you very much,’ she said slowly. ‘But you’re right – I am wary about seeing someone else.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘Don’t look like that!’ She put two hands to his face and turned up the corners of his mouth. ‘I didn’t say I wouldn’t go out with you. If it could be like you said – no rush, just seeing how things go, that would be fine.’ Sitting back on the bench, she smiled at him. ‘That all right?’

  ‘Oh, Roz, too right it is!’ Evan pulled her to her feet. ‘So, now we can go home. You don’t know what it means to me, to have said what I wanted to say to you just then. I’ve been lying awake, t
hinking about it.’

  ‘Have you, Evan?’

  They linked arms as they left the gardens to walk back towards the Bridges where they could catch a tram, Evan no longer his calm self but showing signs of walking on air, while Roz was feeling surprisingly happy, not at the thought of taking a risk with him, but over causing him to look as he did. Was it possible she looked the same? She thought she might.

  When they’d parted at the stairs, without a kiss but a press of hands and a long look, Roz knew she’d have to tell her mother and Chrissie where she’d been and what it meant. They’d both been at work when she’d left and she’d scribbled a note that had told them very little. Now she’d have to face their reaction.

  ‘Out with Evan?’ cried Flo, her eyes alight. ‘To the pictures? How did that happen? Why didn’t we know?’

  ‘Aye, why didn’t we?’ asked Chrissie, her blue eyes round with surprise. ‘My, Roz, you’re a dark horse, eh? Going out with Evan and never a word to anybody!’

  ‘He only suggested going to the pictures when we met after work. You weren’t here, I couldn’t tell you.’

  ‘You could’ve put it in your note,’ Chrissie persisted.

  ‘Oh, what’s it matter?’ asked Flo, beaming. ‘I’m just so pleased, Roz, so pleased for you and Evan, because I knew he was keen and he’d be so right, eh? Chrissie, aren’t you glad?’

  ‘I am – I’m delighted.’ Chrissie gave Roz a fierce hug. ‘He’d be just want I wanted for you, Roz, and the grand thing is, he’s Bob’s brother!’

  ‘Hang on, hang on, I’m not engaged, you know,’ said Roz, laughing. ‘We’ve only been to the pictures!’

  ‘But you wanted to go,’ said Flo. ‘That’s the thing, eh? You know where it might lead. Ah, I’m that happy – if only Dougal could get better, I’d have nothing else to wish for!’

  ‘If only,’ echoed Chrissie.

  ‘There must be a breakthrough soon,’ said Roz, her laughter gone, her eyes bleak. ‘There must.’

  Sixty-Three

  And the breakthrough came. Not a complete one, but more as Colonel Marsh described it – a sign that there would be one, a hope that the end might be in sight.

  What had happened, he told the family, was that Dougal, though still depressed, was now free of the nightmares that had also plagued him since his return from Korea, bringing disturbed sleep and subsequent daytime lethargy. Without the terrible reliving of his experiences at night he had been able to sleep naturally – a sign, the colonel believed, that his subconscious was beginning to free him from his fears. And there at last was the real hope that he would be better able to face the day. Perhaps very soon he would be allowed home from time to time, for such outings from hospital could be very beneficial.

  ‘Oh, to have him home again, that would be so wonderful!’ Flo had cried. ‘When do you think it might happen, Colonel?’

  ‘If all goes well, I’d say middle of June.’ he told her. ‘And after that, we may actually see a true breakthrough.’

  ‘Middle of June …’ the Raineys echoed and, for the first time, saw a little light shining at the end of the tunnel.

  But before it burned brighter, before Dougal was allowed visits home, Roz and Evan embarked on their ‘no rush’ plan to spend time together, designed to calm any fears Roz might have about going out with another man. In fact, it very soon became clear to her that Evan was not ‘another man’ to be approached warily, but just Evan, someone to trust. And that was how it had to be. There was no point in being with a person if all the time you were fearing the worst. Where would the pleasure be in that?

  But there was pleasure in going out with Evan, and though they’d said they would take it slowly, just see how things went, as the days of May moved by they met more and more often, happy to be together.

  Sometimes they’d go to the pictures, sometimes to a play at the King’s, or the Lyceum, but what they liked best was to take a bus into the country, to walk in the woods around Swanston, or at the weekend in the Pentland hills. Here they would pause, to kiss and embrace, to delight in physical contact as lovers do, and it seemed to Roz that Evan would be a very good lover, though he would never demand more than would be allowed at the time when all girls had to be ‘careful’. It was easy to see how talk of marriage came up so soon between men and women, to provide the fulfilment lovers soon desired, but of course it was very early days for Evan and Roz. So far they had not reached any talk of the future, and were just willing to take their happiness in meeting together. In that sense, it was no different from Roz’s experiences with Jamie and Laurence. But she never thought of them.

  Something did remind her of Jamie, however, when towards the end of the month Evan announced that he wanted to buy a car, and she remembered for a moment Jamie’s joy in his. Bob, it seemed, was also looking around for one – just something second hand, he and Evan said, which suited Roz and Chrissie. Anything on wheels would do, to allow them to drive out in freedom and privacy – that was all they wanted. So, come on, guys! Hurry up and make a decision!

  In the end, Bob went for a Hillman, while Evan found a small Morris, both cars seeming perfect to Chrissie and Roz when they were paraded for their inspection, while Flo was delighted at the promise of lifts to Dougal’s hospital.

  ‘Do you mean it, boys? Oh, that’d be grand. Specially if one o’ you could collect Dougal when he’s allowed home – that’ll be middle o’ June, just like the colonel said – I’ve just heard.’

  ‘I’m afraid I can’t make that weekend,’ Evan said sadly. ‘I have to go to Newcastle for a conference to do with new ideas for my work. What a shame – I don’t want to go anyway.’

  ‘And I don’t want you to go,’ sighed Roz. ‘But you have to keep up with new ideas, Evan. Maybe Bob can collect Dougal that time?’

  ‘Sure I can!’ said Bob. ‘It’ll be a pleasure, Mrs Rainey. Just tell me when to go and I’ll be there.’

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ Chrissie told him. ‘It’s my Saturday off. Oh, fancy seeing Dougal at home again! I wonder what he’ll do once he’s back?’

  It was a surprise to everyone that what Dougal wanted to do that first Saturday home was go to see an Abbot and Costello film at a cinema in the Haymarket.

  Abbot and Costello? Everyone stared. He wanted to see that double act? Those film comedians getting in and out of scrapes? It was the last thing the family had expected.

  ‘Go to see Abbot and Costello on your first night home?’ cried Flo, putting their thoughts into words. ‘Why, that’s not like you, Dougal!’

  His face that was still without expression did not change, but he did make an effort to explain. ‘It’s grand to be back, Ma. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be home again, but I saw in the local paper that the Abbot and Costello picture was on and I just felt a sort of craving to see it. Something funny – crazy – you know what I mean? Something right outside my life. Maybe one of you could take me?’

  ‘Are you allowed, though, to go to the pictures?’ Flo asked, looking dubious. ‘Maybe the hospital wouldn’t want that.’

  ‘They needn’t know,’ he replied calmly, and gazed around at his gathered family. ‘Well, who’s taking me?’

  ‘I will,’ Roz said promptly. ‘And Ma will come too.’

  ‘I certainly will!’ cried Flo. ‘Chrissie, what about you and Bob?’

  ‘Well, I think we’ll wait for you here,’ answered Chrissie. ‘If you go to the early evening showing we’ll get a fish supper for when you get back.’

  ‘A fish supper?’ For the first time, a gleam shone from Dougal’s blank eyes. ‘I haven’t had one o’ those since I don’t know when!’

  Why, there he is, thought Roz, exchanging looks with her mother, her heart lifting. There’s the old Dougal back, just for a minute, not completely, not yet, but he will be, he will be – that was a sign!

  ‘You have a rest,’ she told him, ‘and then we’ll go to this film. What’s it called?’

  ‘Lost in Alaska. Just the usu
al thing, you know. Slapstick and comic routines.’

  ‘We can all have a good laugh, then. I’m sure we could do with it.’

  ‘But who says I need a rest?’ he asked truculently. ‘I’ve had enough rest to last me a lifetime. I’ll go out for a bit of a walk around before we have to get the tram.’

  ‘Are you sure you’ll be all right on the tram?’ asked Flo anxiously. ‘The hospital may not like it.’

  ‘Ma, I’m not an invalid.’ Dougal raised his eyes to the ceiling. ‘Of course I can go on the tram! Think I’m going to catch some terrible germ, or what?’

  ‘Don’t speak to Ma like that!’ Roz said sharply. ‘She’s only thinking of your health.’

  ‘Sorry, Ma.’ A dark red colour rose to his brow and he lowered his eyes. ‘I didn’t mean to snap.’ He tried to smile. ‘Don’t want to spoil my homecoming.’

  ‘Ah, don’t apologise!’ Flo threw her arms round him. ‘We know what it’s like for you. Let’s go for that wee walk and then go to the film – that’ll cheer us up.’

  Sixty-Four

  The cinema was quite small and rather old, the seats distinctly shabby, the curtains over the screen not exactly threadbare but thin and faded. Never mind, the place was full, with everyone talking and laughing as though in anticipation of the show that was to come, and the atmosphere was so different from the one at the hospital that Dougal actually seemed relaxed – more so than they’d ever seen him since the start of his illness, thought Roz and Flo, and again they took heart for his recovery, marvelling that he had somehow divined for himself what was best to cheer him.

  ‘Remind me who these two comics are,’ Roz murmured to him. ‘I don’t think I ever saw any of their films.’

  ‘Well, the stout one is Lou and the thin one is Bud, and Lou always gets things wrong and Bud tells him what to do – in a funny way, if you see what I mean. There are plenty of wisecracks and gags and all that sort of thing – you’ll see when it starts. In fact, I think it’s starting now.’

  As the lights went down and the curtains parted, Roz glanced at her brother to see how he was looking, and though it wasn’t possible to be sure, it did seem to her that he was still relaxed and even smiling as he waited for the credits to pass and the film to begin. Oh, please let this be the real breakthrough, she prayed, closing her eyes and only opening them as the soundtrack alerted her that Lost in Alaska was really on its way.