“Bye, girls. I’m going to work. See you about eleven.” Billy went through the door in his blue factory shirt and gray pants.
“Bye.” Carmen sat up. If she knew Kansas like she thought she did, that girl would be out there in a flash.
Right on cue, Kansas bustled into the room, crossed her legs on the couch and pulled the coffee table close to her knees. She set down a mirror and took out a packet of white powder. “Up for some of the real stuff?”
“What will it do to me? I don’t want to lose control or hallucinate. That totally freaks me out.”
“Oh, snorting coke doesn’t cause that. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. You’ll be invincible, successful, awesome. You’ll forget about any negativity, and everything will be great.”
“That’s what I’m talking about. Let’s do it.”
Carmen stuck her head into Billy’s room where he slept. “Mind if I use your computer for a sec?” It had been almost two months since she’d checked e-mail. The day she’d gotten on the plane for Diamond Estates. She’d been tempted to ask Billy for access since she arrived at his apartment two weeks ago, but it felt like too big an intrusion. She couldn’t hold back anymore, though. Besides, they were getting closer. He wouldn’t mind.
“Sure. Help yourself.” Billy rolled over and pulled his covers with him.
She logged in to her e-mail account. One hundred eleven unread messages? Start with the most important. Nate. Nope. The search revealed not a single message from him. Then again, he’d known she wouldn’t be able to e-mail from Diamond Estates, so maybe she shouldn’t read too much into that. Oh, who was she kidding? Nate was through with her. Rightfully so.
How about Diego? He’d be another one disappointed in her. Especially about the drugs. She really needed to stop doing that. It seemed like Kansas was up for anything all the time, and each time it went further. Carmen would stick to some beer and maybe a little weed now and then. But the coke—that had to go.
She did a search for Diego’s name. Nothing from him, but Theresa’s name popped up. Hopefully with information about Diego.
Dear Carmen,
I hope ur doing good at that place. We pray for you at home all the time. Diego is fine, at least physically. He’s in jail waiting for his trial. He’ll prolly go to prison for a while.
I’m sorry about all you went through here. It didn’t have to be so hard. Most of us Hackensackers are good people. I’m also sorry that you lost the baby. I wish you’d have talked to me about it. I wanted to be your friend.
I also wanted to let you know that I’m comin there in a
few weeks for a mission trip with my church. We’re going to be helping with the start of some building project. Should be fun. I’m looking forward to seeing u. Let me know if u want me to bring you anything special.
Love,
Theresa
Cool. Almost like a real friend. Carmen should have let a relationship develop there. Theresa might have helped her figure things out without all the Diego drama. Now it was too late to be friends. Or was it? Two problems, though. Carmen was no longer at Diamond Estates—at least not at the moment. And she had no intention of moving home to New Jersey. Now or ever. Maybe. Okay, so her choices weren’t set in stone. Never really known for decisiveness, that was for sure.
She could at least return the e-mail and then see what developed.
Dear Theresa,
Sorry I’m just now replying. We don’t get much computer access at Diamond Estates. Thanks so much for writing and telling me about Diego. I’ve been really worried. If you get to talk to him somehow, tell him I said hi and that I miss him.
That’s cool you’re coming to Diamond Estates! I hope I get to see you.
Should Carmen tell her she’d left the program? No, anything could change between now and then. No sense upsetting her.
Mission trips sound like so much fun.
Thanks for what you said about the baby. It does help
to talk about it rather than pretend it never happened like a lot of people seem to want to do. I think about it every day and wish things had turned out differently. Anyway, write again soon.
Best,
Carmen
“Okay. There’s only so much a man can take.” Billy barged into his bedroom.
“What?” Carmen sat up. “You said I could nap on your bed. Did I sleep too long?”
“No, silly. I’m talking about that pot on the stove. What is in there, and when can I eat it?”
“That’s what this is about?” Carmen threw a pillow at Billy.
“Well, you’re going to share, aren’t you?”
“Of course I will. It’s almost done.”
“That pot’s been simmering for two days. What’s in it?”
Carmen wiggled her eyebrows. “You’re in for a pot of the greatest award-winning chili known to man.”
“Mmm. I’m such a chili fan. I’ve been waiting to taste some of that awesome cooking I’ve been hearing about.”
Speaking of the chili, it was time to stir. “Come on.” Carmen led the way to the kitchen. She backed up to the counter and hopped up onto it, her piggy slippers dangling. She took the lid off the stockpot and stirred the simmering brew, breathing in the heady aroma of chili powder, cinnamon, cloves, and red pepper. To die for.
Carmen blew on a spoonful. “Here. Taste.”
Billy leaned forward and slurped the chili from the spoon. He closed his eyes and rolled his tongue around his mouth. “I think that’s the best chili I’ve ever tasted. It’s amazing.”
“Thanks.” She ladled a big scoop into a bowl, dumped oyster crackers on top, sprinkled some shredded cheese, and added a dollop of sour cream. “Now that is a bowl of chili.” She handed it to Billy and then made one for herself.
Billy sat at the dinette with his untouched food.
“Go ahead. Eat.”
“This will sound weird, but I can’t eat without praying. Do you mind?” He took her hand and began to pray. “Heavenly Father…”
Carmen guessed she didn’t mind, but how strange. Billy sure didn’t seem to be living like someone who prayed over every meal.
Dear Nellie,
Where are you? I remember shoving you deep under my mattress when I was in a hurry the other day, but I can’t believe I ran off without you. I hope no one finds you until I can find a way to get you back.
I don’t understand Billy at all. He’s a cute guy, lots going for him. Grieving over his sister, he’s kind of throwing everything away—at least as it looks on the outside. But then in private moments, I wonder if he’s really the bad boy he wants people to think he is. He’s an interesting dude. Definitely going to be keeping my eye on him.
Love,
Carmen
Chapter 36
Uh…Carmen? You have a visitor.” Billy spoke through the bathroom door.
Carmen squeezed water from her hair. “Who is it?” It had better not be Ben. He couldn’t do a thing to force her back to Diamond Estates, but she really didn’t want to talk to him face-to-face. He’d be all spiritual, and that’s the last thing she needed. She was confused enough as it was.
“I think you just need to come out here.” Billy’s voice sounded broken. Hesitant.
Was he pulling some kind of prank? “Should I come out naked, or can I have a minute?”
“No. I suggest you put on some clothes.” Great. Just what she needed. A job interview in two hours and now this. Who could it be, and why was Billy being so weird about it?
Carmen pulled on a clean pair of yoga pants and a tank top. The interview clothes could wait. She twisted her hair back into a clip, willing it to dry wavy and flowy. A swipe of deodorant under each arm and a mist of perfume. Carmen was ready to face her mysterious visitor.
She opened the bathroom door and stepped into the family room when her heartbeat came to a crashing halt.
Nate.
He stood at the front door with his hands in his jeans pockets. Lookin
g down at the floor.
Billy sat on the couch and stared at him.
Why didn’t Billy invite Nate in? Why was Nate there? He must’ve come to get back together. There’d be no other reason to make such a long trip.
Nate’s eyes rose and locked with Carmen’s. The corners turned down, and the lids were heavy. Why was he so sad?
Billy cleared his throat.
Oh no. Nate must think…Billy? What should she deal with first? “Nate. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I’d have been so excited.”
“Tell you? So you could hide your friend?”
“Billy’s not that kind of friend. Nothing has ever happened between us. Trust me.”
“Trust you? That’s a pretty tall order.”
Carmen had that coming to her.
“Well, I guess I’ll leave you two lovebirds to your catching up. I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Billy slunk away and closed his door softly.
Poor Billy. It was clear he had feelings for her. She might have entertained the idea if circumstances had been different. As things stood though, she had to figure out what was happening with Nate and even with Justin before she could move on with someone else.
How to start this conversation? She had no idea what Nate was there to say. Why didn’t he just get it over with so they could go from there?
Nate leaned back against the walk beside the front door and stared at Carmen’s face. His steely eyes gave away nothing.
If he wasn’t going to speak, she’d start with small talk. “How did you know where I was?”
“Reverse phone lookup. Got the address from there. Took a chance.” Nate shrugged like he did that sort of detective work every day.
“If you’d have asked, I’d have given you the address. But I’m super glad you’re here. Will you come in and sit on the couch with me?” Carmen perched on the edge and patted the worn fabric beside her.
Nate sat down but kept his jacket on. He looked like a squirrel, ready to bolt at the slightest wrong move.
“Talk to me. What have you come to say?” He certainly hadn’t come all that way for nothing. Unless he was like her and had no idea what he wanted. Was his soul as empty as hers?
“I miss you. I love you. I feel like we’re soul mates…”
Carmen’s heart soared.
“…but—”
“But what? What else matters than that?” That word erased everything that came before it. Take it back.
“But I can’t get back together with the old you. I just can’t. I was hoping a new, improved, mature, confident version of you would return home after awhile apart, and we’d get back together and live happily ever after.” Nate took her hand.
“That can still happen.” Please say it can.
“We’ve been through a lot. I don’t want to start over with someone else. A stranger. Someone who doesn’t know me for who I am.”
Carmen nodded.
“I was willing to wait for you when you left for Diamond Estates. I still am. But only if I think there’s hope. When I heard you’d run away and quit the program—” Nate’s voice caught.
Leave it to Carmen. She’d blown it again. When would she learn? Would she ever take the hard road and do something right? “I know. I’ve sort of been regretting that decision now and then. I sort of wish I’d given it more time. I’ll go back. If what you say is true…if you really mean it, I’ll go back.”
“No. I mean what I said, but that won’t work. I don’t want you to go back there for me—just to get me back. It’s not real then.” Nate let go of her hand. “And it won’t last.”
But she meant it. It wasn’t just for him. But now he’d never believe that. Like apologizing for someone after getting caught—it didn’t feel genuine. “I’m serious. I’ve regretted my choice and have considered calling them to come get me. I’ve been thinking about it, even before you came. Please believe me. It’s different this time.”
Nate’s sad gaze pierced her heart. He wasn’t buying it.
“Have you talked to your mom since you left Diamond Estates?”
What did that have to do with anything? Why was he changing the subject? “No. Why?”
“Because she loves you, and she’s so worried about you.” Nate shook his head. “Your sisters, your dad…It doesn’t make any sense to me how you could just avoid them like you are.”
Humiliation. Regret. “I don’t know, Nate. I guess I’m just running…or hiding. Whatever. I know it’s wrong. I can imagine they’re pretty hurt.” Carmen gulped back a sob. She refused to cry.
“That’s an understatement.” Nate took her hand again. “Will you contact them? For me?”
“Anything. Yes. I’ll do it today.” Carmen sounded desperate, but she couldn’t help it. She was desperate. What did she ever do to deserve someone like Nate? “I’ll go back.”
“Think about it—pray about it—before you make promises. Make sure you’re ready.”
Did he say pray about it? When had he started pushing prayer? Had he found what she’d been unable to?
“I’m leaving for the airport in an hour.” Her stomach clenched. They needed more time. “An hour? Why so soon? You just got here.” Don’t go. Please.
“It has to be this way. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t tempted to stay here holed up in this place with you. But listen. If you can find the will to go back to Diamond Estates, dive into the program, and let it change your heart, I’m here…waiting for you.”
If. If. If. Even though Carmen bristled at the ultimatum, she knew he was right. In the end, he deserved someone who had her act together. Thankfully he wanted that someone to be her. Could she do it? She could sure try.
But what if she failed?
Billy entered the family room humming “My Boyfriend’s Back.” He stopped abruptly. “What are you doing sitting here all alone in the dark?”
Carmen shrugged.
“How long have you been like that?” Billy sat beside her and touched her leg. “You’re freezing.” He covered her with a blanket. “Have you not moved since Nate left? I laid down for a nap hours ago.”
“If I move, I have to do something. This way I can prolong the inevitable.” Even Carmen heard the despair in her voice.
“What are you talking about, Carmen? Talk to me.”
“I can never be what Nate wants me to be—what he deserves.” Carmen put her head in her hands.
“You should never let another person try to change you. You should always be yourself.”
“No. It’s not like that. I’m talking about the basics. Honesty. Trust. Loyalty. Respect. Commitment. He’d like to see some of those qualities in me. I guess I would, too. But the harder I try, the more I just want to give up.”
Billy nodded.
“I mean, I promised Nate that I’d go back to Diamond Estates, talk to my family, get it together. But I kind of wonder if it’s even worth trying. Maybe I should just tell him I went back and pretend all is well. But that would be just another deception in a long history of lies.”
“You don’t want that.” Billy’s voice dropped, and he looked away.
“Then there’s you.” Carmen shrugged. “I think maybe we could have had something with each other if my life wasn’t such a big mess. But I feel like I owe it to the old me—the one who hurt everyone I loved—to fix things.” If that’s possible.
“Making things right is great, but be sure you don’t try to resurrect a relationship just because you think you owe it to someone.”
Carmen nodded. Add Billy to the list of people she’d hurt. “I’m sorry you got bruised along the way.”
“Oh, don’t worry about me. Besides, we have no idea how God is going to end this story.”
“You really think He is involved in what happens? You really think He cares?”
“Yes, very much so. Do you believe in God?”
“I—I think so.” Carmen looked up. “I don’t know. But if you really do, then why…Why the partying and rebelling?
Why the drugs?”
Billy nodded. “I know. It makes no sense. But truth is, I’m just like you. It got tough for me when Naomi died. I just figured I’d never be able to make it on the Christian journey with the rage I had in my heart. So rather than try, I just let go. Really pathetic when you think about it.” He grimaced.
“Any regrets?”
“All day, every day.”
Chapter 37
Uh…Carmen? Someone’s here for you!” Billy shouted through the bathroom door. Seriously? This showing up unannounced while she was in the shower needed to stop. Carmen turned off the faucet and twisted her hair and let the water drip off. Who could it be this time? Maybe Nate.
Carmen rubbed the towel over her body and absorbed most of the moisture then threw on her clothes, which mopped up the rest. She ran a comb through her hair and twisted it back in a clip.
When did people stop calling to say they were coming by? Too bad she couldn’t have retrieved her cell phone from Ben’s stash before she’d ducked out.
Ready as she could get, Carmen plastered a smile on her face and threw the door open. Please be Nate.
Olivia. And she wasn’t smiling.
Carmen’s stomach lurched as her archenemy strode toward her.
Would Olivia hit her? But Carmen hadn’t spoken to Justin even once since the whole lie thing. She’d given up on the possibility of Justin. It was just a stupid game. Olivia wouldn’t see it that way though.
As she walked across the room, Olivia’s face softened. Her lips turned up into a smile, and she reached out her arms, pulling Carmen into a stiff hug.
What? In some time warp, Carmen was being hugged by Olivia. It couldn’t be real. Or if it was, the girl was crazy. What should Carmen do? She couldn’t hug Olivia back. How weird. Maybe she was high? With her face pressed over Olivia’s shoulder, Carmen could smell the scent of strawberry in her hair. And, oh look. A vibrant purple streak ran down from the top of Olivia’s head. Had she always had that? How had Carmen missed it before?
Finally Olivia’s grip loosened, and Carmen stepped back. “Um…care to fill me in on what this is all about?” Carmen smoothed her hair and straightened her clothes.
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