“Sure. I just wanted to tell you I forgive you.”
“Uh. Okay. Thanks?” Didn’t people usually have to apologize before they were forgiven? It was probably step forty-seven in the Diamond Estates program to forgive everyone who hurt you. But come on. Wasn’t that pushing things a bit?
“I understand where you’re at and why you did what you did. I’d like to put it behind us so we can be friends.”
Maybe she did understand. She’d been in a similar place in her own life. But was it a trick? “Friends, like real friends? Or is this a keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer kind of thing?” Probably the latter.
“Definitely real. I don’t have time for games in my life. I’ve been praying for you, and I feel like this is what God wants for all of us.” Olivia put out her hand. “Friends?”
It’s worth a shot. Carmen shook Olivia’s hand. “Friends.”
“Now the other reason I’m here…” Olivia glanced around her. “I know it’s going to be hard to leave all this…”
“Hey. This is an awesome place,” Billy called from the kitchen.
“No offense meant to the voice behind the curtain.” Olivia gestured at the apartment and shook her head. “We can do better than this. What’s it going to take for you to let me take you back to Diamond Estates?”
“Will you go in with me to talk to Ben?” He’d never forgive her. Not like Olivia had.
“Easy one. Let’s go.”
Chapter 38
So. Here we are.” Ben sat in his desk chair in his favorite pose with his hands behind his head. “Back where we started.” He didn’t look angry. More like blank with a touch of disappointment. Carmen rubbed her palms on her jeans until the friction warmed them. What could she say to him? There was no explanation or excuse that sounded even remotely plausible. Anything she said would come off as defensiveness. Suppose she could start with an apology.
Carmen took a deep breath and raised her eyes to lock with Ben’s. “I’m really sorry.” Emphasis on the really. And not just because she wanted to come back. Though Ben might think so. Ben nodded. “I appreciate your apology.” What was he waiting for? He didn’t try very hard to make stuff like this easy, did he? What else did he want from her? If only there were some magic formula. She could try honesty. “Is it okay if I come back? I want to come back.”
“Why?”
A good question. With no simple answer. “I want to stop running. I want to raise the white flag and give up the control. I want to stop lying and manipulating everyone. I want to be someone people can be proud of…someone I can be proud of.” Was that enough? Because she had more if he wanted to hear it.
“Those are great things. How do you think coming back to Diamond Estates will help you achieve them?”
He was full of the hard questions. “Um. I just…I guess I need training. I need you guys to help me know God personally and stick to my commitments until they become a real part of me.”
Ben dropped his hands and rocked forward, his chair squeaking and bouncing. He jabbed a finger at Carmen. “That’s it. Right there. That’s what we’re talking about here. Knowing God and making commitments that become part of who you are. Is that really what you want, or are those just pretty words because you know what I want to hear? Really think about that.”
Carmen searched her inner thoughts. Was there any deception there? Was she running yet again, this time back to safety? Was she doing this only to get Nate back? No. No. No. She meant what she said.
“That’s really what I want.” Desperately.
“Then welcome home.”
Carmen knocked gently on the door to her old room. Ben had promised she still had a home waiting for her in there, but she’d believe it when she saw it. The door squeaked open a few inches, so she peeked in. “Anyone home?”
“Hey! You’re back.” Tricia grinned from her bunk and laid that month’s Vogue on her chest.
Kira jumped up and pulled Carmen into a hug. “We were so happy when we found out you’d be home today.”
Happy? Carmen expected reluctant but amenable at best. “I see you saved my spot.” Carmen looked over her things. “I was gone for three weeks. What if I hadn’t come back? How long would they have kept this all here?”
Tricia shrugged. “I doubt there’s any set amount of time. I think they just always knew this was part of your journey, and you’d have your fill and return.”
Carmen nodded. Smart people.
Her eyes traveled from her bunk to the one below it. A black blanket with black sheets and a black throw pillow covered Leila’s bunk. Had she gotten new bedding? That somber look didn’t seem like something she’d choose for herself. “So where’s Leila?”
Tricia looked at Kira and groaned. “I really don’t want to tell you this.” She closed her eyes.
Had something happened to Leila? Why were they making such a big deal out of it? “What happened? Just tell me.”
“Roxy sleeps there now. Leila went home a few days ago. She left the program.”
“Oh man. She was nowhere near ready for that.” What about the cuts on her arm? Carmen had never told anyone or done anything to help her. What would happen to her now?
Tricia and Kira shared another strained look. There was something they weren’t telling Carmen.
“What else? Come on. Tell me.”
“She left because…because she found your journal and read it. I guess there was a lot in there about her. You’d know better than we would.” Kira gave Carmen a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
No. The air squeezed from Carmen’s lungs like they were in a vice grip. She leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. She could see Leila opening the book in curiosity then little by little feeling her world crumble around her. The words she’d written about Leila ran through Carmen’s brain like the news tickers on Times Square.
…unattractive…mousy…if the horse would hold her…never been kissed…never would be kissed…cutting…what a dumb thing to do…
“I can’t believe this. It’s horrible.” Carmen put her head in her hands. “What did she say?”
“Nothing to us. I guess she took the book to Donna so no one else would find it and then asked to go home.” Kira looked away. “Ben doesn’t give up easily when a girl wants to leave. She must have been pretty convincing.”
“What happens now? I have to do something.”
“Welcome back,” Donna spoke from the doorway.
Carmen looked up from where she slumped on the floor. Donna’s frown revealed she’d been listening long enough to know the subject.
“What am I going to do? I have to fix this.” Carmen’s careless words had destroyed an already-messed-up girl.
“Sometimes there’s no possible repair for actions, Carmen.” Donna offered a gentle smile. “Forgiveness is available from God, of course. And you can reach out to Leila by writing a letter or calling. But you can’t be guaranteed she’ll accept your apology. And even if she did, some of the words she read will leave lasting scars.”
Carmen sighed. “Just what Leila needed. More scars.” This time she let the tears come.
Donna crouched down. “What do you mean by that?”
“Her arms. Didn’t you ever wonder why she always wore long sleeves?” Come on, Donna, think. Wait a minute. “Didn’t you read my journal when Leila gave it to you guys?”
“Yes. But there were pages torn out before I got it.”
Leila probably destroyed the important parts. Carmen jumped up. “Donna. Leila cuts herself. And I mean all the time. She goes in the bathroom and slices up her arms.”
“Oh, dear Jesus.” Donna’s face turned white.
“She’s in danger, isn’t she?”
Tricia jumped off the bunk. “Is that true?”
Carmen looked into her eyes and nodded.
“Then why on earth didn’t you say something to someone?” Tricia shook Carmen’s shoulders.
“I didn’t…I don’t know…” C
armen withered under Tricia’s glare. She deserved it.
Donna held up a hand. “That’s not important now. I need to get Ben involved and talk to her parents right away.” She took off toward the stairs.
The room remained so quiet, Carmen was sure they could hear her heart pounding. What had she done? She asked herself that question a lot, didn’t she? Well, she left a lot of terror in her wake. But this time…
“Why didn’t you tell anyone? Even us?” Tricia’s eyes drooped. “I don’t get it.”
“I’m not going to lie and tell you that it was because I was protecting her privacy or keeping her secret. Though the thought did cross my mind.” Carmen took a deep breath. “The honest truth about why I let the poor girl deal with her pain her own way is because I didn’t really care. I was too selfish to let her problems affect me as anything more than fodder for gossip.”
Kira nodded. “I’ve been there.” “This is all my fault, and I will fix it.”
“So how do you feel about a new roommate?” Roxy hesitated in the bedroom doorway.
Carmen motioned her in. “You? You’re a super cool roomie. I just don’t like how this happened. You know.” Carmen shrugged. “I’m sure you know the story.”
Roxy crossed her legs and sat on the floor beside Carmen, leaning against the bottom bunk. She hung her head, the newly dyed band of bright-red hair fell in front of her eyes. “Yeah.
Um, I was wondering. What did you say about me in that book of yours? I mean, it’s weird to know it exists somewhere but not be able to read it.”
Carmen sighed and plucked at strands of carpet. “I wish I’d never started that thing. No good can come of it. It’s nothing but a catalog of people’s faults.” Like she didn’t have any of her own. “You know what I’d say about me if I were writing in it?”
Roxy lifted her bright-blue eyes. “No, but now you’ve got me curious.”
“I’d write: ‘Dear Nellie, Carmen Castillo is a big loser. She makes fun of other people because she hates herself. She lies and manipulates people because she doesn’t believe she’s worthy of their love without her deception. She is the most negative, ugly hearted person I know. She has no friends, and I can see why. And her clothes? How about a new pair of jeans? Love, Carmen.’”
Roxy nodded. “That was pretty honest. Brutal, but honest.” She grimaced. “Was mine that bad?”
“No. I didn’t spend enough time with you, so my entry about you was mostly questions. Why is she here? Where did she come from? Why is she so quiet? You know, that sort of thing.”
“Want answers?”
Carmen nodded.
“I’m here because I beat up my mom’s boyfriend after he beat her up. I come from Madison, Wisconsin. I’m quiet because people usually don’t listen when I talk anyway. And, like you, I don’t have any friends.” Roxy looked down at her checkerboard Converse.
“Maybe we could be friends.”
“Really?” Roxy offered the first hint of a smile.
“As long as you never, ever say ‘BFF’ in my presence. That makes me want to hurl.”
***
Dear Nellie,
Roxy is pretty cool.
Love,
Carmen
Chapter 39
Ben put a hand on Carmen’s shoulder as they walked from the prayer room toward his office. “I’ve arranged a conference call via Skype with your family.” He stopped, put his hands on her shoulders, and looked her in the eyes. “Are you ready?”
Was she ready? Well, who knew? She couldn’t answer that unless she knew what the outcome of the conversations would be. Was she ready for any potential outcome? No. Was she strong enough to do her part and hope for the best? Probably.
“I’m ready.”
“Good. It’s necessary that you settle some of those relationships.”
Carmen took a shuddering breath. What would they say to her? What would Mom say? After three weeks of no communication, would it be awkward?
“First you’ll have a few minutes to talk with your mom without the others on the line.” Ben held the door open for her to enter. The computer was all set up with the flat-screen monitor facing the guest chairs. Ben took one and waited for Carmen to sit in the other. He was going to stay and listen? That could get awkward. Maybe he’d leave once it got going.
Ben moved the mouse around and clicked on some buttons. The screen came to life. He typed in some numbers, selected a few boxes, then pressed CALL. Connecting…
So Mom would show up right there in that little box? How strange to talk to her like that. Could she see Carmen on the other end?
Connected…
Carmen gasped. “Hi, Mom. You look fantastic.” She didn’t look a day past thirty. Her makeup was perfect, and her wrinkles had all but disappeared. Had she had a face-lift? No way she’d spend money on that.
“Thanks. It’s great to see your face.” Her smile was bright. Teeth whitener?
Enough of the inspection. Time to get serious. Carmen looked right into the webcam. “Mom, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. I’ve messed up so bad. I’ve lied to you, and I know I’ve hurt you deeply. I’m…just really sorry. Can you forgive me?”
“I already forgave you, Carmen. The day you were born you became my daughter, and nothing you do will ever change that fact. I’ll admit, I haven’t been thrilled with your choices lately, but I’ve never stopped loving you.”
Hmm. “Ben says that’s how God is. Do you think that, too?”
“That’s exactly the way God loves you. I’m so glad to see you’re starting to figure that out.” She seemed to be selecting her words. “You know, even though I have loved you since birth, the God who created you has loved you since the beginning of time. He is passionate about you. And He’s already forgiven you—you only need to accept it.”
Carmen nodded and exhaled for what felt like the first time all day. “I think I get that.” Carmen turned to Ben. “How do I do that?”
“I think your mom is doing an excellent job of explaining.
I’m going to let her continue.” Ben nodded at the camera.
“Sweetie, I can understand you turning to Ben for spiritual leadership. I haven’t been very strong in that area. But that’s all going to change. Can you trust me?”
Carmen nodded. This was a side of Mom she’d never seen before.
“Accepting Christ requires you to humble yourself, admitting to God that you’re a sinner—we all are—and that you need His gift of grace. Then you have to live in faith that even though you’re a work in progress, the forgiveness is complete.” Mom leaned forward. “Do you want to do that right now?”
Carmen nodded. “It’s scary, but I believe it’s real.”
“It’s okay to be scared about turning your life upside down. But it won’t be like that. You’ll see.” Mom reached a hand out as though touching Carmen.
Ben laid a hand on her shoulder.
Mom cleared her throat. “Repeat this prayer after me, but consider the words. Make them your own.”
Carmen gulped then nodded. “Okay.”
“Father God, I stand before You with a broken and sinful heart.”
Oh boy. Here goes. “God, I stand before You with a broken and sinful heart.”
“Please forgive me for my sins. I accept Your gift of grace.”
“Please forgive me for my sins, and I accept Your grace.” It wasn’t so hard to pray. Why had she fought it so long?
“I want to live my life in relationship with You from this day forward.”
Carmen nodded. “I want to be in a relationship with You from now on.”
“And I surrender my life to You. Amen.”
“And I surrender my life to You. Thank You for loving me,
Jesus. Amen.” Where had that last part come from? Carmen hadn’t meant to add that on, but neither could she stop herself.
She opened her eyes. “Is that it?”
“That’s it.” Mom grinned. “How do you feel?”
/> How did she feel? Carmen took inventory on her emotions. “I feel like me. Only clearer. At peace. Forgiven.”
“Ahh. Blissful, isn’t it?”
“It really is.” If only that moment didn’t have to end. Carmen had so much repair work to do. But at least now she didn’t have to do it alone.
Ben coughed. “I have to say, that was one of the most touching moments I’ve had since I’ve been here.” He wiped his eyes with a hanky. “Carmen, is it okay if your dad joins us now?”
“Daddy’s there?” What was he doing at Mom’s apartment in New Jersey?
Mom shook her head. “No, no. I think Ben is going to conference him in. Is that right, Ben?”
“Yes. Just give me a moment to bring him into the call. If we get disconnected, we’ll call you right back.”
Carmen fidgeted in her seat and stared out the window while Ben’s body blocked her view of the screen. Carmen missed her daddy. The old him—not the newly divorced, single-father edition. What would Dad say to her? He’d always been more liberal than Mom, but what if Carmen’s actions had pushed him over the edge? And what would he say about her new commitment to Christ?
Ben sat down in his chair beside Carmen. “I think that did it.”
Connecting…
“Carmen? Is that my girl?” Dad’s smile spread across his webcam box beside Mom’s.
“It’s me, Daddy. It’s good to see you.”
“You, too, baby. How are you?”
“Dad? First I want to tell you that I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to hurt you guys…or anyone. But I did some dumb things. I’m really sorry.”
“Thanks, but I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I haven’t been a great dad this year, and I’ve allowed some things I never should have. I’m sorry for not protecting your innocence and for not being there for you.”
Carmen wiped her eyes. She refused to cry. “I love you,
Daddy.”
“I love you, too.” He took a deep breath.
“I want to tell you something.” Carmen squared her shoulders. “I’m a Christian now. I’ve accepted Jesus as my Savior.” Wow. Saying it out loud for the first time was really cool.
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