Ruby's Misadventures With Reality

by Samantha Bohrman

RARVAB was the extent of his flirtation. She imagined her boob shot floating in cyberspace unwanted and unclaimed. Single and pregnant is almost cool in July when it seems like everyone is doing it, all the celebrities strutting on the Malibu beach in bikinis comparing their baby bumps in US Magazine. Single and pregnant in December is another matter. She wished she could go to Estelle’s and eat some caramel rolls in a nonjudgmental environment. That was true everyday actually, but especially today.

  Todd said, “What’s your problem, babe?”

  While staring into her coffee cup, she admitted the facts. “I sexted Noel and he didn’t respond.”

  “Ooh. Slammed!” Then, to make her feel better he added, “Don’t worry. He was probably too busy jerking off to text back.”

  “God, I hope so,” Ruby answered with a dramatic sigh. “As long as he doesn’t hate me.” After a brief pause, she asked, “What are you doing for Christmas?” She suddenly felt grateful and happy for Todd. She wanted to spend the rest of the day with him.

  He stared into the fridge for a moment before answering. “I don’t know. Gonna watch Bond. I think there’s a marathon on.”

  “Oh, do you want to come to my parents’? You could be my date.” A buffer suddenly sounded like a brilliant idea.

  “Uh, what are they making?”

  “Probably a goose and a ham and a bunch of other stuff. There’s always too much.”

  “I’m in.”

  “Awesome!”

  Later that day, Ruby dressed for Christmas Eve dinner in a red party dress, black peep toes, and a fur stole. She piled her hair on top of her head in a luscious, shiny mass of curls, Seventeen’s “up-do” of the month. If nothing else, pregnancy had given her goddess hair. While she looked for her purse, she yelled, “Todd, you ready?”

  “Totally.” He shimmied out of the kitchen making jazz hands. It must have been the first time he tried it because he couldn’t stop staring at them. He wore a pair of dirt-smeared, torn jeans and a sweatshirt with an elk head on it. He reeked of pot, but at least he was dressed.

  “I forgot to tell you my family does a formal Christmas Eve.” The O’Deares approached Christmas as if it was an event at the White House even though they lived in a modular home with detachable columns. Looking at the clock, Ruby said, “Oh well.”

  Todd didn’t care, so why should she?

  …

  In her parents’ driveway, she couldn’t walk at all, her footwear being completely wrong for ice. Todd saw her distress and said, “No problem, babe. These boots have got crampons.” He demonstrated by performing a few awkward lunges. The metal spikes of the crampons caught the ice and he stuck them like a pro. Because he could, he swept Ruby off her feet and carried her to the door like she was his woman. He knocked loudly.

  Her parents answered the door and stared at the homeless-looking individual delivering their sparkling daughter. Todd greeted them, “Happy Chanukah.” He set her down in the entryway and patted her on the ass for good measure. “What kind of cable package you folks got?”

  Ruby swatted Todd’s hand away from her ass and said, “Mom, Dad, this is Todd.”

  In a voice laced with fear and disapproval, her mom said, “The one who is living with you?” (Translation: Oh my God. That is your boyfriend?)

  “Yep. He’s the one.” Then, to get it out of the way, she made her announcement. “Also, I’m pregnant.” Ruby was sick to death of carrying around the baby like a secret.

  Her mom reacted as if in slow motion. First, her face went slack. Next, the wine glass slowly slipped from her hand until it landed on the stoop and shattered into a hundred pieces. Todd and her dad were already headed for the living room. Neither even turned to see what happened.

  She heard Todd ask her dad, “You wanna turn on the tube while the womenfolk cook? Live and Let Die’s on.” He was practically deaf.

  Ray nodded. “Sounds good. I’ll grab some beers.”

  With trepidation, Ruby looked at her mom, who was still dramatically frozen in place and had yet to utter a word. It was as if Ruby had paused a movie at the absolute worst spot, right after the verbal instigation and a fraction of a second before shots rang out. All she wanted was to fast forward to the next scene. When her mom finally breathed in and exhaled dramatically, Ruby was relieved. They might as well get the scary part over with. Still not speaking, Maurine moved toward the broom closet while still performing perfect Lamaze breathing. Ruby started to say, “Let me. I’ll sweep—”

  “In. A. Minute. Ruby.”

  Recognizing the signs of a parental tantrum, Ruby decided this would be a good point in the show for her to make popcorn. “Okay, I’ll go check the food.” She took shelter in the kitchen and half-heartedly stirred something bubbling on the stove.

  The tantrum started in the closet. First came crashing. Three guttural “fucks” rang out like shots. Then, Ruby watched a black work boot shoot across the room. “Ray. What are your fucking boots doing in here?”

  Ray looked over his shoulder and cringed. Ruby heard him tell Todd in a knowing voice, “Christmas. She always loses it.”

  After tearing the closet apart, her mom emerged with a broom and stalked toward the front door, making zero eye contact with anyone. She swung the door open as if she was preparing to beat someone to death with her broom. For a minute, Ruby thought it might be over, but no. Just when she’d almost swept up all the glass, Maurine flung the dustpan into the yard and started hitting the glass shards with the broom. Then she hit the door.

  Ray looked toward the front door. “Jesus Christ. Why can’t someone else host the damn holiday for once?” Then, he turned up the TV to movie theater volume.

  After the tantrum died off, Ruby’s mom walked back in looking almost calm, the only sign of distress was her strained Stepford smile. Looking at Ruby, she said, “Ruby, turn off the stove. You’re burning the cranberries.” With an exasperated look she took the spoon from Ruby and said, “Just put together a tray of cheese and crackers. And Ray, turn down the TV.”

  While Ruby pulled out a box of crackers, she said, “Mom, it’s not that bad. You’ve always wanted a grandbaby. Plus, I have a job and everything. I’m an adult. You should be excited.” She would tell them about getting fired later. That would be too much for one day.

  Maurine filled a new wine glass to the top and said, “Of course I want a grandbaby, but…I didn’t even know you two were dating.”

  Ruby cringed. “Eww. Todd’s not the dad. No.” She held up her hand as if to shield her face from the very idea of sex with Todd.

  Maurine crossed herself. “Thank you, Jesus. Who is it?”

  At this point, Todd stood up and walked into the kitchen like he was looking for something. “Uh, ladies, could someone tell me where the bathroom is? I gotta piss like a racehorse. I totally forgot to pee today.”

  Ruby waved him down the hall, “Over there.” She looked back at her mom and said, “Don’t worry. The dad is really nice.”

  Maurine stared with her mouth open as Todd sauntered down the hall. “He forgot to pee?”

  “He’s transcended his physical self,” answered Ruby.

  A moment after the bathroom door clicked shut, a phone beeped. Ruby said, “Mom, will you check that? Uncle George said he’d text with his flight info and an eta.”

  Maurine picked it up, opened the message, and looked at the phone. Then, she looked closer. She turned the phone around as if trying to figure what exactly she was looking at. When she did, her eyes shot open and her jaw dropped.

  “What happened? Is his flight delayed?”

  Maurine just kept staring at the phone and filled up her cup with punch, so Ruby let it drop. Her mom was sensitive about Uncle George skipping holidays. Last year’s tantrum—because there was always a tantrum—had been triggered by one of George’s lame excuses to skip the holiday.

  “I’m going to finish dinner,” Maurine took a deep breath. Then, she started to slam plates around the kitchen and shuffle silverware too
loudly.

  Ruby backed out. “I’ll just go check on the men.” She collapsed onto the couch next to Todd and rested her head on his shoulder. With a sigh, she said, “That didn’t go well.”

  Todd yelled at the TV, “No. No. The other gun. The big one. Ouch!” Still staring intently at the screen, he asked, “What didn’t go well?”

  She gave him a look of intense scrutiny, but his question, no matter how stupid, seemed earnest. “I told my mom I’m pregnant,” she said.

  He looked away from Bond for a second. “What? You’re pregnant? Fuckin’ A, man!”

  “I already told you, Todd.”

  “No way. I totally don’t remember. That’s fucking awesome. Kids rock.” Then he turned his head back to Live and Let Die. “Check out this scene. Connery jumps over like 100 crocodiles.”

  “That’s Roger Moore, son. Connery retired before this one.”

  Just then Maurine shattered a plate and yelled, “Ray! I need you.” When Ray didn’t get up immediately, she yelled again, “Now.”

  He strolled over to the kitchen with a beer in hand. Ruby heard her mom say, “Ray, stop watching TV. Your daughter. Is. Pregnant.” She expelled a breath dramatically and fanned her face with a TV Guide.

  Ruby said, “Mom, I’m not deaf. I can hear you.”

  “I’m talking to your father, Ruby. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to speak to you.” She held out Ruby’s phone for Ray’s inspection.

  He said, “What the hell is that supposed to be?”

  Before Maurine could hammer home whatever point she was making, Ruby said, “Dad, that’s my phone,” and she held out her hand for him to give it back to her. At the same time, she gave her mom a threatening glance. “Whatever it is, Mom, let’s just eat dinner.”

  Ray rubbed Ruby’s shoulder affectionately. “I agree. Let’s eat.”

  Around the dinner table, Maurine had them say a prayer, a reaction to the declining morality of her daughter, apparently. Ruby never remembered saying grace at her parents’ table. She looked questioningly at her mom who responded pointedly, “I think it’s time we focus on living our values.”

  Ray looked at Todd, “So what line of work are you in, Todd?”

  “Uh, I was working for Ming, but we parted ways recently.”

  Surprised, Ruby asked, “Really? What happened?”

  “I used my lab space for”—he laughed—“unapproved activities, so she cut me loose.” To Ray, he added, “Doesn’t matter though ’cause Rubes and Ming don’t charge me rent. The job was just a place to park during the day.”

  “Unapproved activities…” Ruby repeated, trying to wrap her mind around that.

  Todd went on, “Yeah, actually, I’ve decided to head down to the Rez for a while. I’ve got a friend living in a teepee down there. He told me that if you lie still for long enough you can hear the sound of the universe.”

  Ray said, “Well, how you gonna make money doing that, son?”

  “Money? I don’t believe in possessions or paper currency. Money is fucking nuts.” He took another swig of beer and added, “No offense or anything.”

  “How does that work? You need to buy things.”

  “Actually, Dad, Todd doesn’t buy anything. He is a complete freeloader. He basically only eats questionable leftovers that Ming and I forget to throw away.”

  “Yeah, and I attend lectures at the University. They always serve pizza.

  Ray set down his fork and leveled with Todd. “Do you expect Ruby to support you completely?”

  “I don’t expect her to. She just does. I don’t try to influence anyone’s behavior. It’s a Buddhist thing.”

  Seeing that her dad was still misinformed about the baby’s father, Ruby tried to cut him off.

  He held up his hand. “No, Ruby. He’s gotta hear this.” Ray leveled with Todd. “Son, if you expect to marry our daughter and be a father to our grandbaby, you had better get yourself a real job. Freeloading just ain’t gonna fly. Our family prides itself on hard work and American values.” He paused to let that sink in. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m gonna set you up riding shotgun on a parking-lot striper. All you have to do is reload the paint when it runs low and remove obstructions from the roadway.”

  Ruby looked at her dad. “Todd is not the baby’s father, Dad. We’re just roommates. He didn’t have anywhere else to be tonight.” Her dad was so spacey. The hearing loss really didn’t help.

  Ray just looked perturbed. In his mind, he’d solved the problem. “Well, if Todd here ain’t the daddy, who the hell is? Why isn’t he here?”

  “He and I are still working things out.”

  “Still working things out?” said Ray. “He finished working it out when you got pregnant.”

  “I didn’t invite him, Dad.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  She sighed. “Can we just take a break and eat the food. I’ll tell you about him later.”

  “That’s fine,” answered Maurine. “He can’t be any worse than Todd.”

  They finished the meal quietly. After Todd finished watching Live and Let Die, they collected their jackets to go home. “Thanks for dinner, Mom. It was delicious.”

  Maurine raised her glass to Todd and said, “Cheers. Good luck in the teepee.”

  On the way out the door, Todd asked Ray, “You serious about that job offer, man?”

  “No.”

  “That’s cool, just asking.”

  On the way home, Todd drove and Ruby noticed the photo message still open on her phone. Completely delighted, she looked at something that looked like…a butt. She couldn’t be sure. It was really bad picture quality, blurry, but definitely an ass. The sexter had taken a picture of his own rear end in a bathroom mirror. She looked at the sender, assuming it was Noel. It wasn’t. It was…Ned, an attorney in the DA’s Office. Ned sat right above Noel in her contact list. For a full moment she sat paralyzed, staring at her phone in horror. Oh my God! She had fat-fingered the sext! It was beyond awkward. Frantically she typed in an apology, “Ned, so sorry. Meant to send boob photo to someone else. Nice ass.”

  …

  Ruby rang in Christmas morning with Noel, at least on email. After deciding they would be better off avoiding abbreviations and acronyms and possibly even face-to-face contact, she sent an email. She kept it short and sweet.

  Noel,

  I’m not dating Eric. I’m sorry I went out with him that one time, but we are not together. Let’s talk soon.

  RARVAB <3 <3

  Ruby

  He responded:

  Ruby, I’m glad to hear it. I’m out of town for the holiday, but I’ll let you know when I’m back.

  Noel

  P.S. What’s RARVAB mean?? (I hope it’s dirty)

  Ruby responded:

  WHAT!? You RARVABed me!

  Noel:

  Uh, my secretary typed that in.

  Ruby:

  Remind me to kill your secretary. Also, I told my parents about the baby. Brace yourself.

  Noel:

  Just Googled RARVAB. Feeling cheated. Regarding your mother: At least my briefcase will be safe from now on.

  With Noel’s blessing, Ruby informed her parents that they already knew the baby’s father and had in fact held his briefcase hostage. Her mom, of course, was over the moon. To be fair, she probably would have been thrilled with anyone after meeting Todd. It took Maurine every ounce of restraint she possessed not to call all of her girlfriends to announce that her daughter and Mr. Right, according to all accepted definitions, were expecting. She insisted on taking Ruby out for a shopping spree and makeover to celebrate. Ruby took the offer for what it was, a hint that she needed to freshen up the honey trap. Maurine even bought her a couple pairs of Spanx for pregnant ladies. During the shopping spree Noel happened to text Ruby a picture of a sandy beach with a palm tree with the caption, “Nice, huh?” Ruby looked at her bag full of Spanx and the icy world outside. If it was possible to click your heels and wish yourself on a tr
opical vacation with a sexy guy who apparently didn’t hold grudges (thank you, Lord!), Ruby would have done so immediately.

  Chapter Twenty

  Client Advisors

  During Ruby’s recent months of drama, her worldview had shrunk to that of an angsty teen brooding in a windowless basement bedroom. While she was preoccupied with the consequences of unprotected sex, social media overload, and whether leather pants worked as maternity wear, Ming made a breakthrough with her underwire compound and began talking to designers. She ruled out selling the compound to Victoria’s Secret, DuPont, or any other giant underwear megacorp because she preferred to become her own giant underwear megacorp. She named her corporation LA Tits, Inc., rounded up a few investors, and located a suitable manufacturing facility in Malaysia. She accomplished this with less fanfare than most Kansas residents planning a summer vacation to Branson, Missouri.

  The day after Christmas, Ruby asked Ming over breakfast, “How’s the bra design coming?”

  “Great,” said Ming. “I’m thinking of opening up a little boutique downtown, in addition to marketing the bras to bigger retailers, of course.”

  “What?” Ruby looked a little surprised. International business deals and manufacturing had no overlap with Ruby’s skill set, despite the fact that the Smiddy website advertised one of her specialties as corporate law. “You mean you’ve already started?”

  “Yep. I’ve got the first prototypes and the bras look pretty good. I’ve had the designer redo the lace trim on the Gidget Bra, but besides that, we’re ready to roll. The bras are going to hit the shelves at the Biomall by spring.”

  “Wow. I thought you were still thinking about the…” she trailed off, unsure of what actually went into launching an underwear company.

  “No. Once I figured out a stepwise process suitable for large-scale manufacture, I contacted my cousin, Jong, who designs swimsuits, and we worked out a design. I’m buying a building across from Emerald College for a storefront.”

  “Wow, are you sure about the location? Emerald College isn’t exactly high fashion.” Ruby had a point. Emerald College was an exclusive college, but a place where students pondered nihilism while treading about barefoot with unwashed hair, reading used copies of the Communist Manifesto. At least once a month, a contingent would make a trek across town to protest something about the Biomall: slave labor and environmental destruction being the most popular issues. “I haven’t seen too many girls in push-up bras over there.”