Ruby's Misadventures With Reality

by Samantha Bohrman

  “Good point.” For some reason she just assumed the baby would be a girl. Really, even if Noel had contributed a Y chromosome, her X was bound to overwhelm it.

  After a respectful moment of mock reflection, Noel interjected, “How about dinner? You still hungry?”

  “I am, but I’m really excited about the crib too. I want to see it all put together.”

  “Cool. Let’s order take-out. I’ll pick up my tools and some Mai Thai. Does that sound good?”

  “Are you kidding? That sounds amazing.” A warm glow of contentment filled her, until logistics intervened. “You know, on second thought, we shouldn’t put the crib together here. Ming doesn’t want to room with me after the baby is born. I’d just have to take it apart again in a couple of months when I move.” With a slightly dead voice she said, “I’ll just drive it over to my parents’ place later.”

  Noel cringed. “That sounds…bad.”

  Ruby looked at him hopefully. “I’m open to any suggestions.”

  “Well, I’m your landlord. None of the renters I’ve knocked up had to move back in with their parents.” He flashed his adorable half smile, the one she loved.

  Confessing her problem to Noel and realizing he would help felt like heaven. She smiled involuntarily. “So are you going to put me up in a dorm with all the other pregnant renters?” She laughed a little. “How many other pregnant chicks are going to be living with me in your mistress shack?”

  “You’re the first. Maybe I’ll add a few more, though. It’d be a great political scandal. It’d knock John Edwards or Bill Clinton out of the park.” He shifted to a serious tone and said, “I bought an old farm a few years back, but I haven’t been able to spend much time there. I’m thinking I want to move out there, get a few animals, and plant a big garden. I read Omnivore’s Dilemma while I was on my sustainability journey. I’m stoked to be become a locavore.”

  Ruby didn’t know how to respond. She was just praying that he didn’t want to grow all his own food and would conflict with her own diet, which mainly consisted of things that came out of a boxes that advertised facts like “sugar-free” or “diet.” “What about the vineyard?” she asked.

  “Vineyard?” He drew his brows together in confusion.

  As she started to say, “Marvel told me about your vineyard,” she realized that Marvel was full of shit, even if she was sweet. Marvel was the same woman who called Ruby skinny at three months pregnant. Ruby looked at Noel more closely. She really didn’t know the first thing about this man. Brown eyes. No vineyard. Oz’s son. What was next? Noel was right in front of her, but she could barely see him through her own assumptions. Ming had called it. She had Ken Vision.

  Unaware of her personal epiphany, Noel kept talking. “You’ll love it. I have almost one-hundred acres of rolling pasture. There’s a little creek and a big old farmhouse. The house needs fixing, but it has good bones.”

  Ruby had never seen Noel so excited, even the day he had left for his two-month sustainability journey. His eyes were lit up and he was talking a mile a minute. She didn’t entirely understand why a person would be so excited about gardening and fixing up old houses, but she was willing to give it a shot. Picking carrots sounded fun, given the right outfit.

  “So what do you say, can I put you up at the farm?”

  She wanted to go to the farm, but she also didn’t trust herself. No matter how cute he was. No matter how much he offered her, Ruby knew for a fact that the man before her was Oz’s son and he’d been letting Ozcorp get away with murder. Maybe literally.

  “Let’s not make any decisions tonight.” She was excited, but she was also learning to be patient. Also, Ming would tell her what to do.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The Dollar Store Sex Tape

  After her trip to the farm with Noel, Ruby sat down on the couch to unwind. She flipped on the TV hoping to catch something mindless with pretty dresses and flirtation, preferably a reality show. The news was still on, though. Before she flipped it off—because she definitely didn’t need that kind of reality—a story caught her attention. The newscaster announced, “Local politician and zoning commissioner caught in a sex scandal!”

  Noel’s name chimed in her head like a gong. It had to be Noel. He was being gonged off the political stage for a…sex scandal? Her mind filled with questions, first among them, What did that bastard do? Doesn’t he know he has a baby on the way! Why am I finding out like this? It’s so cliché!

  Suddenly scared of what she might hear, she grabbed the remote to shut off the TV. Approximately two seconds later, she turned it back on to hear something she should have seen coming, but didn’t.

  Janine, the newscaster, explained, “An anonymous Dollar Store employee uploaded a security footage tape to YouTube after realizing that the person pictured in the tape is currently seeking Kansas state political office. You may not know him yet, but he is running for lieutenant governor with gubernatorial candidate Joel Smelch. His name…Noel West.”

  Ruby knew what was coming next, so she gripped the armrest and braced herself.

  “Also pictured in the tape is a local attorney, Ruby O’Deare. O’Deare is a former attorney of Smith, Dworkin, & LeBlue, and has recently opened her own law practice on Emerald’s Grand Ave.” Even though she knew it was coming, hearing her name on the news in association with an unknown sex tape made her hyperventilate. While she struggled to process the first part of the story, the WKOZ news team continued impugning her character, which they made look all too easy.

  The reporter had the cameraman cut to a full frontal of LA Tits and explained, “Ms. O’Deare operates out of Client Advisors. You might also remember Ms. O’Deare from a recent sex scandal with Officer Eric Peterson.” They cut to a photo of him grabbing her ass. Between the look on the reporter’s face and her inflection, she might as well have said, “Ms. O’Deare operates out of a whorehouse.” The camera zoomed in on LA Tits suggestively, stopping just short of zooming in and out.

  In the interest of milking every last second out of this story, they included an interview with the Dollar Store employee who had uploaded the footage to YouTube. He said, “Yeah, these two people in business suits, kinda classy looking except for her hair.” What’s the matter with my hair? “They came in totally high. She was giggling and he was all over her.”

  At this moment, Ming walked in. Ruby looked at her fearfully, hoping Ming wasn’t upset about potentially bad publicity. LA Tits figured prominently in the news story. Hesitantly, Ruby asked, “Have you seen this?”

  Ming said, “Sure have.”

  “Are you upset?”

  “No.” She laughed. “It’s free advertising! I’m delighted you made a sex tape. I should give you an even bigger discount on rent.”

  “I didn’t make a sex tape, Ming!”

  “Maybe you didn’t know it, but you did. Business is going to freaking explode tomorrow. It’s going to be awesome. You’re probably going to get hit, too. You better wake up and get there on time ready to draft a bunch of wills for horny old geezers.” Casually, Ming started dinner, collecting a cutting board and vegetables from the fridge to make dinner. “Have you talked to Noel yet? He’s totally going to get elected now.”

  “I should call him.”

  “Damn right you should. You guys are good together and I totally want your asses parked front and center at the shop all weekend. It’ll be like having Santa Claus at Macy’s. People are going to want to have their pictures taken with you two and then they’ll probably buy some underwear. They’re definitely going to want to sit on your laps.”

  Ruby said, “Uh, I’m going to go find Noel. I think we need to talk.”

  “You do that, sweetie. Don’t forget the Kool-Aid.”

  “What?” Ruby asked.

  “Watch the tape. You’ll figure it out.”

  It only took Ruby a few minutes to get to Noel’s. She parked and ran up to his doorstep in her slippers, ignoring the damp cold air and wet sidewalk.
Before she could knock twice, Noel looked out of the long window to the side of the door. When he saw her, he looked almost relieved.

  With a quick smile, he said, “I’m glad to see you. I thought you might be a reporter. My phone has been ringing off the hook for the last hour.”

  Now that she was there, she was at a loss for words. What do you say to someone in this situation? Unable to come up with an appropriate intro, she said, “So…I guess…we, uh, made a…sex tape.” She could feel her cheeks burning.

  “Sounds like,” he said, nodding a little too much. He looked about as awkward and uncomfortable as was humanly possible for someone that good-looking. After taking her coat, getting her a water, and standing around awkwardly a bit longer, he asked, “Have you seen it yet?”

  Ruby shook her head no.

  “Me neither. I think everyone at work has, judging from the looks I was getting today. I don’t know if you want to, but I was just going to check YouTube. Do you maybe want to watch it together? Or would that be weird?”

  She could tell from his expression that he wanted to watch it, so she said, “I think we’re beyond awkward.” Of that much, she was sure.

  “I wish we could have a stiff drink or something first at least. I’m sorry, Rubes. I feel responsible for this.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “Well, it might not have made the news without the governor thing.”

  “If we’re going to blame anyone, we should blame Todd and his drugs. What did he say he gave us? Blackout?”

  “That works for me. We’ll blame Todd.” As he went to his laptop and pulled it up, he asked, “Are you sure you want to watch it?”

  “Yep. 100 percent sure. We should know what we’re dealing with, right?”

  “That’s what I think.” He nodded with approval, like it was the responsible thing to do. He was beginning to treat the sex tape viewing as a business matter, something that had to be done in order to effectively manage the story. He sat down on the couch and pulled up YouTube. “What do you think I should search for?”

  “I think Noel West Dollar Store Sex Tape or any combination thereof oughta bring it up.”

  He laughed as he typed in the search terms. “I never thought I’d be doing this.”

  “It might be a good thing. Ming thinks we’re all going to be more popular and successful.” The closer they got to watching the thing, the sweatier she felt.

  “Must be a good tape.” Despite the joke, Noel looked a little nervous too.

  “Maybe.” She laughed. As they chatted, it struck her that they hadn’t really had a date without Todd or Ming yet. Here they were sitting together on Noel’s couch. Alone. It felt a little cozy if you could ignore the part about watching their accidental sex tape.

  “Okay, here we go. Dollar Store Sex Tape. Holy fuck, Rubes, 31,000 hits… It already has an ad.”

  “Just hit play. I don’t want to know.”

  “You never know, maybe it’s all the same person.”

  Noel settled onto the couch and set the laptop on the coffee table. The video was black and white, but surprisingly clear. The Dollar Store had apparently invested in some high-tech surveillance equipment. It started out with a shot of the empty store. No one was there except for the store clerk sitting behind the desk. He was flipping through a magazine. The rolling time stamp read 10:55, five minutes before closing time.

  A few seconds into the tape, Ruby saw herself burst through the door with Noel. They were laughing and pointing and falling all over each other like people caught at the pinnacle of the everything-is-hilarious stage of inebriation. They wandered through a couple of toy aisles and examined various squeaky toys and Pez dispensers. Ruby seriously examined a Hello Kitty purse for a minute, even going so far as to see if its small size could accommodate her wallet. In the frozen foods section, they stopped and stared at the frozen meat products. Noel pulled out a box of fish sticks and they belly laughed like complete fools before putting them back. Ruby thought, So far so good. No nudity.

  Noel said, “Thank God I put those back. Seafood from the Dollar Store would have been worse than…”

  He stopped as things began to heat up on the tape. Ruby wrapped her arms around herself and acted as if she might be cold, as if they were on a chilly nighttime stroll instead of standing in front an open freezer. Instead of shutting the freezer door, Noel gallantly wrapped his arm around her. As he shielded her from the chill of the frozen food section, he began vigorously rubbing her arms. First, he did this in an “I’m gonna warm you up” way. Then, the mood changed and the rubbing slowed down and they turned toward each other. There was a clear shift to, “Ooh, you’re heating me up, baby” rubbing.

  From her perch on the couch, Ruby prayed they moved away from the freezer section. For one, the camera angle was too good. And two, a sex tape in front of the fish sticks was just too ridiculous. Maybe if they just moved over to the cereal aisle or toys.

  But she wasn’t so lucky. With Noel’s arm wrapped around her, Ruby watched as she tilted her face up to his. From the tape, it seemed that Noel was already looking down at her intensely. She could just imagine the look in his eyes. It must have been terribly inviting because she stood up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck. The make-out session commenced. It was hot and heavy, lots of free roaming hands. Noel’s hands appeared to be under her shirt and she was standing on her tiptoes egging him on.

  Noel looked over at her and said, “So far so good. We haven’t gotten into too much trouble yet.”

  Ruby looked over at him. What she saw completely shocked her. Instead of looking appalled, he was enjoying himself. She said, “Oh my God, stop looking so proud of yourself!”

  “Well, I hate to admit it, but—”

  “It’s a Dollar Store security tape! Everyone we know is watching this, Noel!”

  “I know, but still. Look. It’s a pretty good sex tape.” He scooted over to her and put his arm around her. “Just relax. The tape ends in two minutes. How much trouble could we get into in three minutes? It’s probably just some more kissing.”

  She laughed. “Is that right? You don’t think two minutes is enough?” His warm hand on her arm felt very nice. On the screen she watched that same hand rubbing one of her breasts and she half wished he’d do that again.

  As she said this, the onscreen make-out session took a turn as they stumbled into a cardboard Kool-Aid display stacked with a random assortment Kool-Aid packets. Ruby watched her onscreen self trip and clutch Mr. Kool-Aid’s handle for stability. Because it was cardboard, it gave way and she crashed to the floor in a pile of individual packets of Kool-Aid. Instead of giving her a hand up, Noel looked around with darting eyes like someone pretending to be a spy. Clearly he was high out of his mind. Just as she was thinking this, she watched him drop to the floor with her. The two of them were acting as if they thought the cardboard display was hiding them from any other shoppers or the clerk, like no one would ever see them behind Mr. Kool-Aid. Apparently Blackout gave them the hide-and-seek skills of two-year-olds.

  Then it got serious, as in steamy serious. He started unbuttoning her shirt and Ruby watched as she arched her back and pulled Noel closer to her.

  She covered her eyes in complete and utter shame. “Oh my god. This is so embarrassing.”

  Noel pulled her in a little tighter on the couch, and in a slightly husky voice, said, “I hate to admit it, but so far, I kind of like it.”

  She lifted her eyes to his and noted his heavy-lidded gaze. “Aren’t you embarrassed?”

  He said, “Maybe later, but right now I’m wondering why we haven’t done that since September.”

  Are we going to make out while watching our own sex tape? Is that wrong? She decided that she didn’t care. She started to blurt out, “You mean…”

  “What are you going to ask?”

  “It’s just that I wasn’t sure I still looked all that sexy, you know.” She gestured to the bump.

  Earnestl
y, he said, “Are you serious? You’re even more beautiful.”

  She wasn’t sure whether he was feeding her a line, but she didn’t care. Just like she had at the Dollar Store exactly eighteen weeks ago, according to her pregnancy calendar, she tilted her face up and Noel leaned down and kissed her. When she looked over at the computer screen, she saw that her Dorothy Gale blouse was completely undone, exposing her Victoria’s Secret Barely There bra. On the flip side, she was lying down, which always made her look skinny. Then, as if it couldn’t get worse, Noel ripped open a packet of Kool-Aid with his teeth and poured it in a trail from Ruby’s boobs to the top of her panties. Luckily, the tape was just about over, but it was clear where things were heading when he started to lick it out of her navel.

  With a grimace Ruby asked, “Isn’t that the kind of flavor packet without sugar added?”

  Noel remarked, “I guess you were all the sweetener I needed.”

  Somewhere between the fall and the Kool-Aid trail (which now explained why she woke up so sticky and purple), Ruby’s viewing experience morphed. Sure, she was totally ashamed, but it was also heartening that Noel seemed to like the tape so much. For the moment, she decided to focus on that. It seemed like a winning strategy. Plus, she couldn’t erase the image of Noel and the Kool-Aid. In the last frame, Noel was pulling her bra down with his teeth and she was gripping the Cheerios shelf for stability.

  Looking at Noel, there was zero question what he was thinking. He flipped the laptop lid down, shut off his cell phone, and pulled her close. “Too bad I don’t have any Kool-Aid.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Where Bluebirds Sang

  Noel dropped her off at Em’s the next morning. Ruby pulled out her bills and decided to take care of business at Em’s. As she ripped open an envelope she thought of Noel. For the second time, he’d suggested they move in together in the farmhouse he loved so dearly. The more he described it, the more she suspected it was about to fall into the ground and fill with termites. The amateur psychologist in her guessed he was punishing himself for growing up rich and being Oz’s son. Whenever Ozcorp came up in conversation, he looked pinched. She hoped it was random guilt about being related to the dude rather than guilt about doing his dirty work. She suspected it was a mix of both.