Nowhere Man

by Pam Uphoff

  It’s an illusion, done with machines and light. I can’t wait to see how it works out.

  He watched attentively, the next day’s filming.

  The next sequence was mostly the westerners interacting. A hint of romance between Jack and the old professor's daughter. Phillip-the-drug-smuggler tries the same, and his girlfriend gets jealous, confronts spoiled daughter.

  Wet T-shirt fight in the surf at sundown.

  Repeated three times, with various lighting effects added.

  Then his next scene. A real campfire for a reddish light, fake moonlight.

  Lisa Woolford, the girlfriend, is light skinned, but a bit multi-racial in features. Still soaking wet, she stalks off, just a bit away from the campfire . . . where she meets the chief.

  "Be careful sister. We want you to stay with Phillip. We need eyes there."

  "Then do something about that bitch."

  "Very well."

  Chapter Eight

  Almost done

  Lots and lots of background shots of an archeological dig, with a real professor out there ordering them around to "get it right, even though it's a complete fake." Mutter, mutter. "What I do to get funding for a real dig . . ."

  The Old Hag comes out and totters around, telling fortunes. She says that G. is a distant relation, and does a whole dance around him and his daughter. The old hag is Katy Marcil, an aging once famous beauty. She brings a lot of atmosphere to the scene. After the cut, G. congratulates her on scaring half the cast. "Thirty years ago, I fancied myself in love with you."

  "What were you? Fifteen perhaps? And now I'm so old that if I admitted to drooling over your photos, you'd really flee in terror."

  "Don't bet on it, Sunshine."

  Lily leaned over and whispered in Eldon's ear. "That's a famous line from one of her hottest movies." She showed him a pic on her comp, Katy Marcil at twenty, and he whistled in appreciation. On to the next scene . . .

  Three of the 'tribal' women screening the fill, stop abruptly and accost Phillip, drag him out of sight.

  Campfire scene. Phillip, lying around limp, trying to keep down a grin. Girlfriend frowning. "Have you been with the native women?"

  Phil's evasion is obviously false.

  Margo distances herself, nose raised.

  Girlfriend stalks off to find her brother. "That was not what I meant."

  "But it accomplishes two purposes. The girl is appalled and repulsed. So she's no rival. And you have re-discovered that your Phillip is not a nice man. You are to watch him, keep his drug activities away from The People. Don't give him your heart, because he will use it against us. Use it, abuse it, toss it. Take care, Sister."

  "And The People won't use me? You've used me all my life, simply because I am light skinned enough to appeal to a European or American."

  "Yes, but we try to not abuse, and we will never discard you."

  "Bah. Men. What do you know of what a woman feels? What I find abusive." She stood and looked at him, his equal in power. "Phillip is mine, until I say otherwise. Do not harm him."

  Chief cocked his head. "Indeed? As you wish, Sister."

  The cast argued amiably about the true meaning of the double triangles.

  "Atlantis, see? Tall volcano underneath the sea?" Jack poked the plastic movie prop.

  One of the women rolled her eyes. "The Bermuda Triangle. Obviously."

  "Man, that is so old!"

  Lily bit her lip. "It's almost a Star of David. How about the Lost Tribe?"

  "The what?" Eldon blinked at the glares.

  Seventy-year-old Katy Marcel ran her fingers over it. Sensuously. "It's an Egyptian Pyramid, those waves are sand dunes, not ocean."

  "It's the perfect generic symbol."

  "Shut up, Xavier. You're too young to comprehend Romance." G. edged closer to Marcel and was rewarded with a crackle.

  Then they were rounded up and taken to a hotel out in the desert somewhere.

  The next morning, up into the hills for the final, closing scene. The tribe is transformed. Neither the dancers and fighters, nor the robed pseudo Berbers. Tough, and armed, the tribe returns to the mountains. Saundra shows a bit of a pregnant bulge as she kills a lion with her laser spear. Phillip, on a plain-looking horse pleads with the well-mounted and royally accoutered Lisa to let him go. "Don't be silly darling. You would die in the desert. I will keep you safe and happy, raising our children. We have everything we need, now."

  The Old Hag raises a pole with the Sign of Power on it, as they walk past what looks like a break in a cliff face. One by one they disappear as they walk past.

  ***

  Eldon eyed the two policemen thoughtfully. "You keep bringing up Mercedes. Is that because I've had several, or because you know that's the right kind of car?"

  He shrugged as they failed to answer. "Well, as you no doubt noticed, I’ve been having fun investigating. But. All things come to an end. I overheard an argument. Sindara had a bit of a set to with some man, involving her car. I couldn't see who she was arguing with, male voice, kept low. He wanted to know where she'd gotten it repaired, and she wanted him to promise to never let her husband know she'd given him a lift anywhere. Excuse me a moment." He walked back across the exercise ring to the laboring mare.

  "So, do we believe the Martian or not?"

  "We go talk to Sindara. Then we either do or don't believe him."

  ***

  The mares were taking their sweet time. Eldon wandered back into the house and found Jack eavesdropping on the two policemen talking to Sindara. Another man was standing to the side, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. Eldon raised an eyebrow.

  “Lawyer.” Jack breathed. “I insisted.”

  Apparently they’d covered all the ground, already. Hildebrant was looking back through notes. "You are quite certain the car acquired that damage while you were in the spa?"

  "Yes. It wasn't bad, but it was definitely noticeable." She frowned. "I was there for two hours, and, you know how easy it is to forget where you parked? Well, I would have sworn I'd parked further from the door, and I always turn the wheels when I park, habit, you know? Living on a hill? But the wheels were straight. One more little irritation. I found my keys on the floor of the car. Passenger side, front. Where I usually set my purse."

  “But you didn’t report it.”

  “A dented fender in a parking lot? Of course not. Then a neighbor of mine rear ended me at a stop sign . . . Lily. I think she got her weirdo boyfriend Eldon to fix my car, because, well, there’s no sign of damage.”

  "Thank you for your information and cooperation, Mrs. Chesterfield. I recommend you not contact anyone involved with this movie unless absolutely necessary."

  “My scenes are all finished. I believe I am coming down with something, and I’m going to be in bed and unable to take calls. I might make it to the end of filming party, tomorrow.”

  The policemen swapped looks. “I suppose everyone will be there?”

  “Of course.”

  Eldon and Jack swapped glances and grinned.

  “Should be a real fun party.” Eldon murmured. Then he returned to his midwifery, delivering Muffin’s twins, and one apiece for the others. By which time it was the next morning. He scrambled to shower and dress and get to the set.

  Chapter Nine

  That’s a wrap

  And the last scene, both in the movie and in shooting order. G. and Jack presenting as Margo runs the projector in a boardroom.

  "So while the style of building is extremely similar to the early Euphrates cultures, without further data, pot styles, art, symbols, we cannot confirm the relationship."

  "We now have C14 results on the wood beams of the roofs . . . 11000 years old, give or take 550 years. That would make this indisputably the oldest known city, and the oldest known manufactured brick structures. We need to consider funding either diving, or damming a piece of the coast and draining it for excavation."

  Jack leans in. "This city existed before the Ice Age came t
o an end. Before the great continental glaciers melted and raised the sea level by roughly six hundred feet. We've always known there were archeological treasures out on the old ice age coasts. Now we've located one in relatively shallow water. A whole new chapter of human history is right there."

  "Emm, yes, we'll have to see how to fit this into the budget. You see, underwater exploration is so expensive, so dangerous. You're going to have to fight for the funds . . . "

  Fade back from impassioned arguments . . .

  “Cut! That was the last scene people. Break out the champagne.”

  The thin fizzy wine was interesting. Eldon shook his head. Fine for a celebratory glass, but for serious drinking, he’d stick to a good red.

  He only spotted the two policemen, no make that four policemen, because he was watching for them. He leaned over toward Jack. “Hundred bucks they go for Damien.”

  Jack shook his head. “Christian.” He craned his neck and eased through the crowd toward Margo. Eldon looked around and spotted Lily. Havier Matheson stepped up behind her. She turned, looking surprised.

  Eldon looked back at the police. Hildebrandt and Goldberg both had their eyes on Matheson. “Crap.” Eldon eeled between people, trying to circle around behind Matheson.

  He was two steps away as Hildebrandt stepped up to him.

  “Havier Matheson . . .”

  Matheson grabbed Lily’s arm and twisted it viciously up behind her back, as he pulled a knife. “Where’s the interloping thief?”

  As he whipped the knife around toward Lily’s throat, Eldon lunged. Grabbed the knife hand and hauled it away from Lily. Off balance, he was tossed easily, but kept his grip and Matheson was jerked after him. Lily gasped in pain then Matheson released her and faced Eldon.

  “I worked for that spot, I made the opportunity happen. And you waltzed in and scooped it up like it was a cheap toy. The chance of a lifetime, and you played at it, like it didn’t matter!” His voice rose as Eldon squeezed his hand, and he dropped the knife.

  Eldon saw his left hand dart toward his waist. Another knife? He raised a small shield up against his belly and points north and south. What to do with the fellow? It wasn’t like the man could seriously hurt Eldon . . .

  The crack of the gun at short range was loud. The shield slammed back against his body and Eldon crashed backwards off the edge of the sound stage into a tangle of electric cords and lights. By the time he’d staggered back to his feet, the police had Matheson flat on the sound stage, handcuffs being applied.

  Hildebrandt’s grim expression blanked as Eldon climbed back up. “How . . . He couldn’t possibly have missed at that range.”

  Lily threw herself at him, wrapped her arms around him.

  “Jeez. I keep telling people I’m a wizard from a parallel world. Doesn’t anybody listen?”

  “I don’t remember you telling me that.” Hildebrant left the manhandling of Matheson to the uniformed men.

  “You must be the only one I missed.” Eldon watched Matheson being led away. "Huh. Even the film had a better ending. Oh wait, must not miss this trope." He scooped Lily up and kissed her. Thoroughly.

  Chapter Ten

  Nowhere

  "So, you're a wizard, and you’re only mostly human?" G. eyed the two bottles of wine, then the smaller bottles of specialized 'potions.'

  "Huh. What's with the prejudice? I'm 99.9% plain old human. Pretty stupid to judge by the one tenth of one percent, isn't it? Anyhow, if you use any of those you'll be gaining a few extra genes yourself." Over the last eight months the dye had washed out of Eldon's hair, and it was long enough for a ponytail again.

  Katy Marcil held out a wine glass. "I insist on being the guinea pig. I want this wild wine you speak of, and the elixir of long life, and I damn well want the skin tightener and the un-gray the hair one. And I've always wanted to be a genuine witch."

  She and G. fell to wrangling about it, with Sindara and Kris, the snotty kid and Saundra all chiming in. Samples from bottles started getting poured.

  Lily was looking thoughtful.

  Eldon wandered away letting everyone argue. Jack and Margo were hanging over the fence, looking at the foals. The eight months of splicing, dubbing, musicating, special effects and everything else that had to be done to finish up a film was done. The premier showing had been dynamite. The investors were delighted, the release date thrashed out . . . "They're about old enough to wean now." Eldon scratched withers over the fence. "I'll be closing on my place up north in a couple of weeks. Some quick fencing and these guys'll have all the running room they could want."

  "You should stay closer to Hollywood. You've signed for three more movies." Jack sniffed. "I hate you come-from-nowhere instant stars."

  "Ha. Let's see what happens when the movie opens next week. Then we'll see if I'm an instant star. And I can commute with no trouble at all."

  Lily snorted as she walked up behind him. "So long as you don't have more re-entry problems."

  "Nah, that was a one time thing. I think. But the police and those professors are driving me up the wall. I gotta be a bit harder to get hold of."

  "What about Lily?" Jack squinted against the setting sun.

  "I believe she's got another year of college to finish, and other important decisions to make. So I'm not pressuring her."

  Lily poked him in the ribs. "And Lily really wonders about that. She figures you're promiscuous and unreliable."

  Eldon nodded. "Best thing about Lily is her brains. She knows I'm no good, and that she ought to run away, fast."

  Lily hoisted her glass and sipped. "Wow. Good wine, and a heck of a kick. If it actually works, will you be giving magic lessons?"

  "Yep."

  "I'm not ready to settle down. I need to finish growing up. Discover who I am, all by myself."

  Eldon smiled down at her, and lowered his voice. "Let's just be friends."

  She blushed. "For now. While I think things through."

  "Right. And I figure out if I'm actually going to be allowed to stay here, or the police can't deal with my fake ID." He kissed her fingers. "Right now, that lot over there are fixing to start drinking magic potions, and it's bound to start an orgy—nobody ever seems to believe me about the aphrodisiacs in the wine. Why don't you guys grab Snotty and Sindara, and remove them from the scene, being careful to not leave Lily behind. I'll guide the naïve into a more private spot—your Jacuzzi grotto will be perfect—and then I can join the orgy. Lily will never want to speak to me again, so that problem will be solved."

  Lily thumped his ribs, then helped Margo manhandle Sindara out of the group. The wine was already being drunk, and the smoldering looks were passing around. Jack grabbed Xavier, and they retreated.

  "Ah, no fair! I'm thirteen, you shouldn't treat me like a kid!"

  "You turned thirteen two days ago. You are a kid. No alcohol, with or without magic spells. Give me that bottle. Mage gene? Holy . . . It couldn't possibly work . . ."

  Eldon shook his head at the remaining group. They were passing around the potions, mixing them in their fancy wine glasses. With the Wine of the Gods as a base. He recommended more privacy. And suggested the hot tub, and they all sort of oozed that way on a wave of hormones. Five of his Killer Dance Ladies, the Old Hag, six guys besides him? G. grabbed Katy and kissed her, Emilia tackled Felipe and the orgy was officially underway.

  Eldon removed himself before kissing led to something that would get him into trouble, and walked back to the corral to saddle up Star, who'd been the worst of a rather indifferent bunch of equine parents.

  Her black colt was so black he was nearly iridescent purple, with a pair of white jags over his neck and hips so white they were nearly blinding. Jack had named him Zeus. Muffin's twins were black as well. They both had a sprinkling of white hairs through their coats. Not enough to call them roans, but they sparkled in the sun. Banana's metallic palomino filly had white pinto markings. Blazer's bay colt looked a lot like the sire, Beastly, but with large white mark
ings.

  Eldon petted the other three mares and all the foals. "I'm going to go home for a bit. See if any of my friends are interested in an honest career. Maybe I'll bring some of the kids here. They could go to school, get a solid grounding in science. That's actually a good idea, since I went overboard on the size of the place I bought. See you all in a week."

  He rode off into nothing whatsoever.

  From the right camera angle it could have been into the sunset.

  Excerpt from an upcoming release

  Project Dystopia

  Pam Uphoff

  Far away . . .

  The Warlord stood rock steady behind his desk. Standing had been his only reaction. On the outside. The other elves were shrinking away from the brilliant fury of his aura. His wife was prostrate on the floor. In the box on his desk, the right ear tips of his two children.

  "Someone is going to die."

  Chapter One

  15 Emre 1408

  Paris, One World

  "Come to Paris in your best suit. Versalle. Right now. Drop everything. Ra'd as well, if you spot him before I reach him."

  "Yes sir." Ebsa clicked off. "Oh shit, what's happened?" Urfa's never called me before! Paer? Oh dear One, not Paer . . . No, he said to put on my best suit. What the One Hell?

  He trotted down the hall, worry building as he leaped and grabbed the closing elevator door. Jittered under the disapproving gaze of three office workers, one male, two female, all old and with assured enough body language to be well above his pay grade. In basement one, he bolted out and down the steps to the tunnel slidewalks. He'd been working late, again, so they weren't crowded. He strode down them to the last stop, up the stairs, two more blocks to the warehouse. He stripped as he crossed to his room, grabbed the dress shirt, into the slacks, shove feet into the good shoes, grab tie and jacket and head back out . . . a black car slid to a stop.