by KA Sterritt
His words were both hot and cutting at the same time. He wanted me, but only as a distraction. I had wanted the casual thing too, but I was starting to feel used.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” I pushed the remaining dumpling around with my chopsticks.
“Look, Holly. We’re keeping our distance during the week. Can’t we enjoy each other on the weekends?”
“I guess so.”
“Well, that was unconvincing. What’s wrong?”
“I know what’s going on here, Ryan. I’m not stupid.”
“What is it you know, Holly?”
“I know you like me. And I know I like you.” I put my chopsticks down and pushed my shoulders back. “I know we are definitely compatible in the bedroom.”
Ryan smiled but didn’t interrupt.
“I know I’ve never felt like this about anyone before and it scares me. It scares me half to death. When I’m with you, I feel alive and beautiful. But none of these things matter because neither of us wants a serious relationship. I’m fairly certain I’m just a useful distraction to you.”
“So you think you know a lot then, smarty pants.”
I couldn’t help smiling at the reference to our first meeting.
“You remember that conversation, don’t you?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Look at me, Holly.”
I tentatively raised my eyes to his, worried about what was coming.
“I remember it too,” he continued. “I told you there was a sadness in your eyes I didn’t understand.”
“I remember that. It freaked me out a little.”
“Well something has changed since then. There is still sadness, which I hope you can explain to me properly, but you’re happy when you’re with me. We were meant to meet, Holly.”
I could feel tears welling in my eyes.
“I’ve had girlfriends but it’s never felt right. My last girlfriend in London wanted to make things more serious, so I broke up with her.” He reached across the table and grabbed hold of my hand. “And now I know why it never felt right. She wasn’t you.”
I was rendered speechless.
“You are drop dead freaking gorgeous for a start.” His thumbs caressed the top of my hands. “I pretty much want to have sex with you constantly. But on top of that, you are intelligent and ambitious. You also have the smartest mouth, a beautiful creative mind and you make me laugh. The fact that neither of us is desperate to make this more complicated than necessary makes it all the more perfect.”
He seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear. We were having a good time. We liked each other, but without either of us asking too much. Neither of us wanted a commitment or a future. Perhaps it was the perfect arrangement.
I stayed the night. I stayed for breakfast. I stayed for lunch.
Chapter Twenty-Two
It was Saturday night and I was dressed, ready to go out for dinner. I’d left Ryan straight after lunch and headed home. I’d agreed to go out to dinner with Jason to see if we could sort out our damaged friendship.
“Wine o’clock?’ Zara asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“Oh, she lives and breathes.”
“Very funny. Jake’s taking a shower.” She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of red wine from the rack above the fridge.
“Jason will be here any minute,” I called out to her. “I could do with a glass of wine, thanks.” Or maybe a bottle.
She returned to the lounge room holding two glasses in one hand and the bottle in the other.
Sitting down on the couch next to me, she handed me a glass. “Talk to me, Holly. What’s been going on with you this week? I’ve barely seen you.”
“Yes, that’s because you’ve been having crazy, wild sex with Jake. Are you guys officially together now or what?”
“Who knows,” she grinned. “We’re having fun and we’re very compatible, if you know what I mean.”
“Ugh. No visuals, thanks.”
“So you’re giving Jason the chance to redeem himself? How was it working together all week?”
“I’m the ice queen, apparently. We’re going out for dinner tonight to try and talk it out. I’m really pissed at him though, Zara. Sleeping with Audrey then going postal about me hanging out with Ryan was completely out of order.” I took a sip of wine. “Audrey has forgiven him, but she’s the forgiving kind.”
“I imagine Corey might have something to do with her forgiving nature?”
“Yep. He’s actually a really nice guy from what I can tell.”
“So, what made you agree to go out with Jason tonight then?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to stay pissed at him forever, especially when he was so quick to apologise to Audrey.” His grovelling had been fairly epic. By the end of the week my frosty demeanour had thawed a little and Jason saw his chance. “It was actually kind of funny. He looked terrified and approached me with caution. I am a bitch.”
“You’re not a bitch, Hol.”
“It helped that work is going really well. The consultant hired to push my design through council is confident of an approval soon.”
“That’s awesome, Holly. Your mum would be so proud. And you’re not a bitch; you care about your friends is all.”
“Thanks, Zar.”
“Soooo… what’s the deal with Ryan. Are you guys dating?”
“No. We’re just ‘having sex,” I replied, using air quotes.
“Wow. Okay. Is he okay with that?”
“It was his idea.”
“What was whose idea?” Jake asked, appearing from behind the couch, freshly showered.
“Girls’ business, sorry.” She looked at me and winked.
Jake pulled her up, sat down next to me then pulled her back down on his lap.
The intercom buzzed. Excellent timing, Jason.
“Doesn’t he have a key?” Zara asked. “He never buzzes from downstairs.”
“I don’t think he’s taking any liberties around me for the time being.” I stood up and grabbed my handbag. I needed to sort this out. “See you later, lovebirds.”
I waved to Zara and Jake as I opened the front door, but they were already completely engrossed in each other. Ugh.
When the lift opened, I immediately saw Jason standing in the lobby by the large indoor plant. He appeared awkward and unsure, shifting on his feet. We’d always had such an easy, comfortable friendship. This situation was neither easy nor comfortable, but it was necessary if our friendship had a future.
“Hi,” I said, when I reached him.
Without saying anything, he pulled me in for a hug. When I hugged him back, I could feel his whole body relax.
“God, I’ve missed you, Holly. I’m so sorry about last weekend. Can you forgive me?”
I pulled out of the hug and looked at him. I could see the desperation and sincerity in his eyes. “We need to talk, Jase.”
“I know. Let’s go.”
We walked down to Circular Quay and then to the Rocks. There was a little Italian restaurant there that you could easily miss if you didn’t know about it. They made the best gnocchi in the world as far as I was concerned. It was a favourite of ours, and we found ourselves heading there without discussing it.
Giovanni, the owner, greeted us like old friends.
“Buonasera. Good evening Holly e Jason. Benvenuto. Welcome.”
“Grazie, Giovanni. Per due?” Jason asked, in perfect Italian.
“Naturalmente. Sempre. Always.”
“Grazie.” I attempted to use the correct inflection.
He led us through the restaurant and showed us to our table. Once we’d ordered our meals and some Chianti, I knew it was time to get some things off my chest.
“What were you thinking, Jason? Why would you sleep with Audrey if you don’t feel that way about her?”
He looked at the red and white tablecloth and didn’t reply immediately. I waited for him to speak.
When he finally looke
d at me, I could see the pain this conversation was inflicting on him.
“I don’t know. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.”
“Can you tell me what happened? All I know is that you slept with Audrey, found out I was staying overnight with Ryan then you went a bit crazy.”
“We were at Jake’s party. Audrey was in a great mood. We were all drinking. She took a call from you and told me you weren’t going to make it to the party but didn’t tell me why. We kept drinking, which led to dancing, leading to more drinking.”
“So you’re telling me you were too drunk to know what you were doing?” My anger was rising again and I was grateful when Giovanni arrived with the Chianti.
“No. That’s not what I’m saying. We were fairly drunk but I remember everything. Audrey is hot. She’s an amazing dancer and I’m definitely attracted to her. We ended up kissing and before we knew it, we were having sex in one of Jake’s spare rooms.”
“So when did it all go wrong?”
Jason went back to studying the tablecloth.
He started speaking without looking at me. “Afterwards, it occurred to me to ask where you were.” He looked up and met my eyes. “I lost my mind, Holly. I couldn’t stop thinking about you giving Ryan what I’ve always wanted from you.”
I raised my eyebrows. “A one-night stand?”
“No. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean, Jason? I’d really like to know.”
“I knew if you slept with Ryan Davenport, you’d be risking your career. If you were willing to risk your career, that had to mean he’d cracked the Holly Ashton wall of defence. So what’s to stop him getting a hold of your heart?”
I was gobsmacked.
“Here you go.” Giovanni placed a bowl of gnocchi in front of each of us. The aroma was intoxicating. “Parmigiano?”
“Si, grazie,” we both said.
The wonderful smell of our meals was not enough to quash the sadness I felt at Jason’s admission. Unable to respond, I tucked into my mouth-watering gnocchi. At least the gnocchi was uncomplicated, and wasn’t asking anything of me.
“Oh my God. This is so good,” I said, more to myself than to Jason.
“I pretty much told you I’m in love with you and you’re raving about the food.” I glanced at Jason’s bowl – it hadn’t been touched.
I put down my fork and wiped my mouth with my napkin.
“Alright. Let’s have this out. I thought I had made it perfectly clear that I don’t feel that way about you. I have never led you on. Did you really think I would ever change my mind?”
“Hoped. I think deep down I knew I was deluding myself, but I just hoped you would change your mind once you’d dealt with your mother’s death properly. I wanted to be the man you gave yourself to when you were ready.”
Suddenly I wasn’t hungry anymore.
“What are you talking about?” I was livid. I leant forward and whispered. “I have dealt with my mother’s death. I’ve dealt with it every day for the past ten years. I will have to deal with it every day for the rest of my life. Who the hell do you think you are telling me I haven’t dealt with it?”
“Shit, Holly. Don’t get angry. We’re trying to sort this out, not make it worse.”
“Then don’t bring my mother into it and don’t fuck over my best friend,” I snapped.
“I’m sorry.” He stared down into his gnocchi.
I took a deep breath. “Look, if it makes you feel better, I don’t plan on letting Ryan get a hold of my heart. Happy?”
“No, I’m not happy. Of course I’m not fucking happy. You’re my best friend and I’ve been in love with you forever. I’ve made a complete fuck up not only of our friendship, but also my friendship with Audrey. I’m sure I’m not Zara’s favourite person either. What part of that do you think would make me happy exactly?”
“I have no idea.” I felt drained and confused.
Since meeting Ryan, I felt like I’d jumped out of a plane with no parachute. My friends had always been such a great source of comfort to me. These revelations from Jason were really upsetting.
“Shall we get out of here and go for a walk?” he asked.
“I think that’s a great idea. I can’t believe you’ve turned me off my gnocchi. I might never forgive you for that.” I managed a smile so he knew I was mostly kidding.
Poor Giovanni looked heartbroken when he saw Jason signalling for the bill, despite the two full bowls of food in front of us.
“Gnocchi no good?” he asked. The poor man looked like we had run over his favourite puppy.
“Oh no,” I exclaimed. “Your gnocchi is the best in the world. It’s Jason’s fault. You should ban him from coming back.”
I don’t think Giovanni realised I was joking. He glared at Jason, who held up his hands defensively.
“She’s kidding. I’m sorry.” Jason pretended to tear his hair out.
Giovanni laughed half-heartedly, but he still looked devastated. I wondered if our welcome would be as warm the next time.
We left the restaurant and headed right. George Street wound its way through the buzzing, touristy area of the Rocks and under the southern end of the Harbour Bridge. There were plenty of people around, jostling past us, but we just strolled along, oblivious.
“Are we going to be okay, Holly?” Jason asked, after we’d been walking for a while in silence. “I don’t want to lose our friendship. Even if we can never be anything more, I want us to be friends.”
“I do too. But now you know for sure we’ll never be anything more, are you sure you really want to stay friends?”
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay then. Clean slate? Though I’d like to see you grovelling to Audrey for a while longer.”
“Deal. No future for us beyond friendship, no mention of you not dealing with your mum’s death, no having sex with our friends, grovel to Audrey.”
“I think that covers it.” I wanted this conversation to be done. Only time would tell if our relationship really could survive this hurdle, but I was glad we’d had it out. It was time. I loved Jason and I wanted him in my life. I just wasn’t in love with him.
“Look over there.” I pointed across the harbour to Lavender Bay. “That’s the Aqua Vue building.”
“Wow, that’s going to be amazing when the redesign is complete.”
“I think so too.” Ryan flashed through my mind. I wanted to be standing there with him. I wanted his arms around me. I missed him. The dull ache in my heart was suddenly replaced with a stabbing sensation. I rubbed my chest frantically.
“What’s wrong?” Jason asked, concern etched on his face.
“Nothing. I don’t know. My chest hurts. It’s okay, it’s going away.” The pain subsided as quickly as it had come.
“I’ll take you home.”
“Run tomorrow?” he asked hopefully as we reached my building.
“Sure. I’ll meet you at 8?”
“Thanks for tonight, Holly. I’m really glad you were willing to talk after what happened.”
“I love you, Jason. I don’t throw away friendships easily. But mess with Audrey again and this ice queen might just stay frozen.”
“Noted.”
“Good night, Jason.”
I watched him walk away. Part of me wanted to see Ryan, but I needed some time alone to think through what Jason had said.
When I entered the apartment, Audrey and Corey were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie.
“Hi, guys,” I said, but kept walking. Audrey would get the hint that I didn’t want to stop and chat.
“Night, Hol,” she called after me.
I crawled into bed and reached for the wooden box in my bedside drawer. After going years without touching it, suddenly I found myself writing in my journal almost daily.
Ryan had made more than just a small crack in the defensive walls around my heart. He was driving a w
edge in. Each time I was with him, the crack deepened. Whenever we were apart, I felt the same ache. However, instead of the pain I thought love would cause, I felt more whole than I had in ten years. I had lied to Jason about not giving Ryan my heart. I was falling in love with him.
As if on cue, my phone alerted me to a text message.
Can I come over? I miss you ;-)
I knew I would have to talk to him sooner or later about how I was feeling, but I wasn’t ready just yet. Telling him would mean not seeing him anymore. Instead, I switched my phone off.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Like a coward, I ignored Ryan’s many phone calls and text messages the next day. I didn’t know what to say. My instincts were telling me to make a clean break. If I didn’t end it soon, my career would become collateral damage down the track. That was simply unacceptable. I had worked too hard. However, every time I thought about that conversation, the ache in my chest reminded me I was already in over my head. I was in uncharted territory and I was terrified.
Audrey and I spent the day in the city. She talked non-stop about Corey and her latest promotion at work. Audrey was a merchandiser for Australia’s largest department store chain. We walked through the Queen Victoria Building and she entertained me by pointing out the flaws in the window displays. She also highlighted the ones she thought were done well, and explained why. I loved hearing her talk with such passion and enthusiasm.
“Let’s get a coffee,” she suggested when she saw me yawning. “Why are you so tired?”
“Um… I didn’t sleep that well last night. I have a lot on my mind. I’m fine.”
“What’s really up, Hol?” she asked, once we were settled at a table overlooking the Town Hall building I loved so much.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to admit that I had feelings for Ryan, so I went with the other unsettling thing on my mind.
“Um… Jason told me he’s in love with me.”
“Oh.” A small laugh escaped from her, but it sounded more like a strangled cat. “So is everything okay with you two then?”
“I think so. I made it crystal clear that our only future is as friends. I think he got the message this time. He does seem really sorry he hurt you.”