by KA Sterritt
“I’m not sorry. If he hadn’t hurt me, I wouldn’t have called Corey.” Her smile was tainted by sadness though. “I would always have been second best for Jase.”
“He seems really great. I’m so glad you met him.” I took a sip of coffee and contemplated telling her about Ryan. “I feel like everything is changing lately.”
“You can’t stop change, Holly. It’s inevitable.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “Whatever is going on with you and Ryan, you appear happier. I’m seeing glimpses of the Holly I knew a long time ago.”
“I don’t think I can keep seeing him. I’m in too deep.”
“You’re falling in love with him, aren’t you?” Her smug smile lit up her face.
I couldn’t return her smile.
“Don’t fight it, Holly, I’m begging you – open up to him.”
“Come on.” I stood up and ignored Audrey’s eye rolling. “No more boy talk. Let’s go.”
We spent the rest of the day wandering around the city talking about random crap and laughing endlessly. It was so good to tune out from the noise in my head. When we finally made it back to our apartment late afternoon, Audrey disappeared to get ready to meet Corey for dinner.
I flopped down on the couch and grabbed a magazine from the coffee table. Just as I was ready to zone out completely, Zara appeared from her room and headed straight for the kitchen. She returned to the lounge with a bottle of wine and two glasses.
“Where’s lover boy?” I asked, as she handed me my glass.
“We’re taking a break,” she replied matter of factly.
“What? As in breaking up?” I sputtered my wine.
“No. Why would you automatically assume that? You are such an incredible pessimist.”
“Come on, Zara. I’m no expert, but taking a break usually implies breaking up temporarily, doesn’t it?”
“We’ve just had every night together for a while now and thought we’d have a few nights off. There’s only so much sex we can have.” She sipped her wine, grinning provocatively.
“You are so confusing, Zar.”
She raised her eyebrows and scoffed. “Pot. Kettle. Black.”
“I’m not confusing. I’m as black and white as they come.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No, of course not.” I took a large swig of wine. “Why am I confusing?”
“Oh, I don’t know. You’re gorgeous, successful and have everything going for you. The hottest man to walk the planet wants you but you’ll ditch him the second it gets serious. Knowing you, you’re probably already scheming your exit strategy.” She put her glass down and looked me dead in the eye. “You’re different since you met Ryan. You’re the happiest I’ve seen you. But you’re so hung up on what happened to your mum that you’re going to ruin your future with him.”
Where the hell did that come from?
“Wow, maybe you should tell me what you really think.” My voice was soft and squeaky and the inevitable lump in my throat took hold.
“I think you need to get over yourself.”
“You do, do you?” I stood up, ready to head to the sanctuary of my bedroom.
“That would be right. Walk away and hide. I’m tired of walking on eggshells with you, Holly. You’ve got to stop assuming what happened to your mum is going to happen to you.”
“I’m going to bed.” I started walking away, then stopped and turned. “I don’t expect you to understand my choices but I do expect you to respect them. If you don’t think you can, I’ll move out.”
“I’m saying this because I love you. Both Audrey and Jason think the same thing, but Audrey is too close to you and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Jason probably doesn’t want to ruin his chances of marrying you one day.”
“And you don’t mind hurting my feelings?”
“Nope. I don’t want to marry you.” She chuckled then continued seriously. “You need a kick up the butt, Holly. I’m sorry to be the one to do it but someone has to. You’re going to throw something really good away.”
Something about the look on Zara’s face stopped me from walking out. I returned to the couch and sat down.
“Do you really walk on eggshells around me?” I asked, tentatively.
“All year you pretend to be a pillar of strength when we all know you’re still struggling with her death. I just don’t know why you think you have to put on this pretence.”
“Have you always felt this way?”
“Pretty much. When we were at uni, I asked Audrey about your history. It was obvious you had some sort of baggage. She told me about your mum and how you refused to have a serious relationship so you couldn’t consign anyone else to the same fate.”
“Look, Zara, I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been dishonest or deceitful. I just do the best I can. I miss my mum every single day but I don’t want to walk around blubbering about it. I want to get on with my life.”
“I get that. But bottling it up for your birthday each year isn’t healthy. And even then, you want us to stay away from you. I’ve never said ‘Happy birthday’ to you, never been out for a birthday drink or bought you a present.”
“That’s because I don’t think of it as my birthday. I think of it as the day I was told my mum was dead.” My vision blurred but I took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from falling.
“It’s still your birthday, Holly. I for one think that’s something worth celebrating. And your mum’s life is something worth celebrating, too. From what Audrey tells me, she was a really wonderful lady. I think it’s about time you talked to a professional about your grief.”
I felt like I’d been simultaneously punched in the stomach and knifed through the heart.
I stood up shakily. “I need to go to bed now. I’m not hiding, I promise. I just need to think things through. Everything is changing too fast.”
She nodded, and hugged me. Some of the things she’d said were hurtful but my brain registered truth in her words. My carefully constructed world was on shaky ground. Somehow I had to find a safe haven before I stumbled into one of the deep crevices opening up around me.
I retreated to my bedroom and instinctively reached for my journal. Holding Mum’s charm bracelet in one hand, my journal in the other, Audrey and Zara’s words ran through my brain. Both were convinced Ryan was good for me. Perhaps I could let things go on a little bit longer. He could be my safe haven. Was that so selfish? It was his idea in the first place to keep it casual, so perhaps I could let him be the one to end it.
Chapter Twenty-Four
When I arrived at work Monday morning, I was surprised to see Ryan coming out of Slater’s office. We locked eyes immediately. He walked towards me, never breaking eye contact.
“You’re working from my offices this week.” His tone was cold and demanding. “My car is downstairs.”
“Um… okay,” I stuttered. “I’ll just get my things together.”
“I’ll meet you at our café.” The fact that he referred to the café where we’d met as “our café” gave me hope he wasn’t too mad at me for ignoring his calls yesterday.
When I walked into the café, he was sitting at the same table we’d first sat at. It was hard to believe that only two weeks had passed since then. So much had happened in that time.
“Hi.” I sat down opposite him and picked up my coffee. “Thanks.”
“What’s going on, Holly?” he asked. “Why have you been ignoring my calls? I was worried.” He stared down at his coffee.
“I’m sorry,” I replied. “I was confused.”
“Confused about what?” He shuffled his seat around so it was closer to mine. “I thought we agreed we had the perfect arrangement.”
“I know. We do. I just have a nasty tendency to overthink everything. Ask my friends.” I attempted a laugh to lighten the mood. “I’m fine. We’re fine.”
“Are you sure?” He frowned, looking unconvinced.
“I promise. I’m sorry. I just h
ad to get my head straight.”
“Hey.” His hand gently took hold of my chin to hold my gaze. “You talk to me when you’re overthinking anything. Especially if you’re overthinking us, okay?”
“Okay. I’m sorry you were worried.”
His hand released my chin. “I thought you were going to end this.”
“Nope. You’re stuck with me for a while yet I’m afraid.”
“I’m not afraid of that, Holly.” His relief was clear and his smile returned.
That one sentence made me wonder if he too was getting in deeper than he had anticipated. Maybe we were still on the same page – we’d just moved to the next chapter.
***
A week working at the Davenport offices turned into a month. Our arrangement had been working out perfectly. During the week, we would keep our distance. The project progressed faster than expected and the mood in the office was upbeat. We hadn’t talked again about the status of our relationship.
Ryan rented a new apartment in Milsons Point, overlooking the northern pillars of the Harbour Bridge. Friday afternoons couldn’t come soon enough.
“When’s your birthday?” he asked out of the blue, as we lay in each other’s arms after a particularly athletic workout in the bedroom.
“July twenty-fifth.” I hoped he wouldn’t remember it was the day we met.
“Oh really? I thought your name might have meant you were a Christmas baby.”
“Close.” I cringed at the memory. “Dad took Mum for a weekend away to the Blue Mountains. I think they call it a babymoon. She was eight months pregnant with me. They were doing the whole Christmas in July thing and I decided to enter the world a month early. I was born in the hotel lobby, surrounded by Christmas decorations. So they named me Holly.”
“Wow. That would have been an unforgettable experience for your parents.”
“And the hotel staff, I imagine.” I couldn’t help laughing.
“Well, it’s not your birthday, but I have something for you.”
“Really? Why would you get me something?” I felt nervous for some reason.
“Don’t freak out, babe,” he said, laughing at the shocked look on my face. “It’s only very small.”
He got out of bed and strode across the room naked. The man was spectacular. He reached into his jacket pocket and retrieved a small, velvet pouch. Turning around, he dazzled me with his smile and the now-unmistakeable look of adoration in his eyes. I was completely in love with him and I suspected the feeling was mutual. But neither of us was going to say it.
Every time we were apart, I tried to talk myself into breaking it off. But the second I saw him, I was helpless to his magnetic draw. There were no longer crevices in the protective walls I’d built. The crevices had turned into giant canyons, leaving my heart completely vulnerable.
As he handed me the black pouch, my hands started to shake. I slowly untied the drawstring. I could feel something small and hard and I instantly knew it was a charm. Tears welled in my eyes as I retrieved the tiny piece of silver.
“It’s a hummingbird,” Ryan whispered.
“I know,” I choked, trying to hold onto my threatening tears. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.” I leaned over and kissed him. “I love it.”
“You’re welcome, beautiful.” He pushed my hair behind my ears and wiped up the tears that had spilled down my cheeks. “I wanted you to have a reminder of me.”
“Why would I need a reminder?” I asked, suddenly wary. “I see you all the time.”
“I’m heading to London on Sunday for a while. I told you I’d have to meet with investors at some point. The meeting has been scheduled for next week.”
“Oh.” I took some deep breaths, desperately trying to stop the tears, which continued to fall. “That’s okay. I’m sure I can find a replacement while you’re away.” I don’t know why I said it. I think I was trying to conceal my attachment to him.
“What the fuck, Holly?” Suddenly Ryan was on top of me. “Please don’t say things like that. No one touches you but me.”
My head was telling me to address this out of control situation immediately. When had our “perfect casual arrangement” turned into an exclusive and jealous relationship? Unfortunately, the rest of my body was enjoying the attention he was paying my breasts. When he started to feather kisses down my stomach, I could barely remember my own name. He always had that effect on me.
“Will you come to a work function with me tomorrow night?” he asked later, when we were almost asleep.
“What?” I asked, groggily. “Do you think that’s a good idea, being seen together? We’ve been so lucky so far.”
“It’s just a construction company putting on drinks. I’m thinking of using them for a future development. It would be much more bearable if you came. No one from Slater Jenkins will be there.”
“Okay. I don’t see the harm.” Famous last words.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan’s outburst the night before. It might have been just a knee-jerk reaction to my joke about replacing him, but something about it bothered me.
Knowing he was leaving for London the next day, I decided to just let it go. Perhaps some space was exactly what we needed.
“Let’s have lunch at Watsons Bay today,” Ryan suggested as we walked down the street to get a coffee. “It’s a perfect day to sit outside. Invite your friends if you like. I’ll see if Mark and Toby are free.”
I had met his best mates from school a few times and really liked them.
“Okay, I’ll give Audrey a call.”
Audrey was keen – and she was bringing Corey, Zara and Jason, too. Zara had broken up with Jake a few weeks ago. She appeared unfazed, as far as I could tell.
“I’ll pop in to see Mum and Dad quickly if that’s okay? It’s on our way, and I haven’t seen them in ages.”
“Sure. Okay.” I hadn’t been back to their place since the morning we flew to the Hummingbird. “I haven’t met your mum.”
“I have to warn you, Mum and Dad can be a bit hard to take when you get them together. I apologise in advance for their behaviour. It’s just their way.”
Ryan parked the Aston in the visitor’s parking spot and we walked, hand in hand, into the luxury apartment building.
Ryan’s mother looked shocked, possibly even horrified to see us. “What are you doing here, Ryan?” She was still tying her pink robe around her waist. I thought that was odd, given it was nearly lunchtime.
“Good to see you too, Mother,” Ryan replied sarcastically.
“Oh, sorry, son. How are you?” She gave him a kiss on the cheek, but was clearly agitated by his presence.
“I’m good. Mum, this is Holly Ashton. Holly, this is my mother, Jessica Davenport.”
“Nice to meet you, Mrs Davenport,” I said politely.
“Oh good God, girl. Call me Jessica.”
“Okay. Jessica.” I laughed a little. There was something about her I liked immediately.
Jessica glanced behind her. “How about I get dressed and we pop out for a coffee?”
Ryan stepped past her. “What’s going on, Mum? I thought you’d be happy to see me.”
“Of course I’m happy to see you, darling. I’m just a bit tied up at the moment.” Her cheeks flamed.
I was struck by the horrible thought that we’d interrupted his parents having sex.
“Who’s at the door?” a man’s voice called out from another room.
The flush on Jessica’s cheeks drained and she suddenly looked pale.
“Who is that?” Ryan asked in barely more than a strained whisper. “That’s not Dad’s voice. Are you having an affair?”
Jessica’s lack of response was all the confirmation required.
“Oh my God. You’re having an affair.” Ryan started pacing the room, looking disoriented.
I just stood in the doorway like a deer in headlights. I had braced myself for some discomfort, but this was out of the ballp
ark.
“You should’ve called,” Jessica replied, eventually.
“Why? So you could’ve hidden this from me?”
Snapping out of my stupor, I moved to stand next to Ryan. He seemed oblivious to my existence, but that was understandable.
He picked up a frame off the bookshelf next to us. It was his parents’ wedding photo.
“Yes. That’s exactly why. This is none of your business, Ryan.”
“My mother having an affair behind my father’s back is none of my business?” he seethed.
“Your father knows. We are getting a divorce. He’s been seeing other women for years.”
The frame dropped out of Ryan’s hands and crashed to the hardwood floor. All I could do was stare at the photo, now covered with shattered glass.
“I heard a crash. Is everything ok?” The man whose voice we’d heard earlier appeared in the lounge room. Well, this was awkward.
“Please, Jonathan. This isn’t the time for introductions,” Jessica said.
Jonathan looked at Ryan, then at me before disappearing back to the bedroom.
I stepped forward and grabbed Ryan’s hand, squeezing it gently. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t move. He just kept staring at the closed bedroom door. I thought maybe he was in shock.
Jessica grabbed a dustpan and brush and started nervously cleaning up the mess. I just stared at her, trying desperately to work out the best way to handle this.
“I’m really sorry, darling,” she said, glancing up. “But it’s been a long time coming and it’s for the best.”
“How could you do this? And where the hell is Dad?”
“He hasn’t lived here for a long time, Ryan.”
“What are you talking about? I visited him here a couple of months ago.”
“He’s not meant to be here but he turns up from time to time when he’s had a few too many drinks. I don’t have the heart to take his key.”
“I need to leave,” Ryan whispered, more to himself than to his mother. “I have a plane to catch tomorrow. Jonathan seems really great.”