by KA Sterritt
Fort Denison fascinated me. Originally, it was just a small rocky island in Sydney Harbour. It was used to isolate convicts back in 1788. Then in the mid-1800s, the island was flattened and a defence fort was built. Now it’s a restaurant and function centre.
As the water taxi drew closer, I could see a crowd of people milling around on Battery Lawn in front of the restaurant. My nerves kicked up a notch.
Breathe in, breathe out.
When we docked, the driver helped me out onto the small jetty. I deserved a medal for this level of bravery. Arriving solo to an engagement party for the mother of my ex-fling? Ex-boyfriend? Ex-God knows what? What the hell am I doing here?
Panicking, I turned back to my water taxi, but it had disappeared. I was stranded.
Right, Holly. Shoulders back, hold your head high. Go forth and be fabulous!
The sandstone steps led up to the lawn, where partygoers were sipping cocktails. I was sure I could blend into the crowd while I searched for Jessica. When I reached the top of the stairs, a waiter offered me a cocktail. I took it gratefully. I was going to need more than one.
The other guests were preoccupied with their own conversations, so I was fairly sure I could slip through the crowd unnoticed. Spotting Jessica at the other end of the lawn, I took a deep breath and started to make my way over.
“Why are you in such a hurry?”
A hand on my arm stopped my progress and I looked up to see who the culprit was. I was relieved to see Toby, one of Ryan’s mates.
“Oh, hey Toby. How are you?”
“I’m good.” He looked me up and down and smiled. “You look fucking incredible. Does Ryan know you’re here?”
“Err… thanks. And no. He doesn’t know I’m coming.” I stared at my shoes, feeling the heels sinking into the grass. “I’m here for Jessica and Jonathan.”
“Right, sorry. I heard you guys split. He’s a fucking idiot. Rachael’s a drag.”
“Yes, well. It’s his life.” I feigned being fine with it.
“Can I get you another drink?”
I’d catch Jessica later. “Sure, why not? Thanks.”
Toby waved over one of the roving waiters, who promptly delivered another cocktail.
“Happy New Year, Holly,” he said, raising his glass to mine.
“Happy New Year, Toby.”
“Will you excuse me for a second? I’ve just seen Aspen and I need to speak to her.” He stepped forward and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
Before I had a chance to respond, Toby was wrenched backwards. Shocked, I wobbled backwards on my heels. I somehow managed to pull them out of the grass before I fell over.
Ryan.
“What the fuck?” Toby shouted.
Ryan didn’t say anything in response. He was staring straight at me and appeared dumbstruck.
Toby shook his head then disappeared into the crowd.
“What are you doing here, Holly?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “That seems to be all you have to say to me these days.” I stopped laughing and looked directly into his tortured sapphire eyes. “Don’t worry. I’m not here for you. I’m here for your mother.”
“What do you mean? You don’t even know my mother. You met her once – the day we walked in on her having an affair!” Suddenly the party went quiet.
Jonathan appeared behind Ryan, closely followed by Jessica.
I had hoped to slip into the party. Instead, I was causing a scene.
“Darling,” Jessica said, pushing past Jonathan. “Holly and I have become friends. I invited her tonight.” She turned to me and gave me a hug. “Thank you so much for coming. You look amazing.”
“So do you.” She was wearing an emerald green cocktail dress that perfectly suited her figure and complexion. She looked beautiful. “Congratulations.” I glanced at Jonathan, then back to her. “I’m sorry for causing a scene.”
“Sorry, what the hell is going on here?” Ryan glared at Jessica as if she’d committed some sort of heinous crime. “How dare you invite her without telling me?”
I felt about two inches tall. He was seriously pissed off that I was there. Perhaps he was worried it would upset his girlfriend. Seething, I turned and started walking towards the restaurant. I needed to get away from him.
“Where are you going?” Ryan asked, sounding more upset than angry.
I didn’t turn around. “Away from you.”
I located the ladies restroom and quickly entered, grateful for the relative sanctuary. I plonked my clutch on the vanity and stared at my reflection, shaking my head. I’d known it would be a mistake to come here. I briefly considered calling a water taxi to retrieve me, but decided to soldier on. Touching up my lip gloss, I smiled to myself. Ryan wasn’t going to take away my confidence. He had no right.
Opening the door to the bathroom, I walked directly into a warm, firm chest. Looking up, sapphire eyes ripped through my steely resolve and I was momentarily mesmerised.
Ryan didn’t speak. He just took my hand and led me down the corridor and then out a door on the opposite side of the restaurant. We emerged in a private area at the western end of the island, looking directly back at the bridge.
“Why did you bring me out here?” I asked, barely able to look him in the eye.
Before I knew what was happening, I was enveloped in his embrace. He held me as if I was the most precious thing in the world, and for a few moments, I just enjoyed being close to him again. I pulled out of his arms and his hands immediately cupped my face.
“You look…” His eyes took in my body while his hands still held my face. “You look drop dead fucking gorgeous, Holly.”
“Thank you,” I croaked.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming tonight? I’ve tried calling you every day since I flew in.” His hands went into his pockets. I took a quick moment to appreciate Ryan Davenport in a tuxedo. He had never looked so handsome. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him senseless. The attraction between us was alive and well. If anything, it had never been stronger.
“I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how you’d react to my friendship with your mother. And seeing you at the airport with her.” It was as if her name were poison. I just couldn’t say it out loud. “I just didn’t think we had anything to talk about.”
A loud bang scared the living daylights out of me. Ryan didn’t flinch. He kept his gaze on me. His back was to the Harbour Bridge and he was suddenly backlit by fireworks exploding everywhere. Rockets shot off from the bridge and the sky became a smoky mass of colour and light. The display was choreographed to match the music blaring from all the boats bobbing on the harbour. Ryan stepped forward and again, cupped my face. My heart raced and my breathing slowed. I thought I might pass out.
He leaned in so close I could feel his laboured breath on my lips. He was going to kiss me. No, no, no!
Pushing him back, I shook my head. “Rachael will be wondering where you are.” There, I said her name.
“I don’t give a shit about Rachael.”
“Really? That’s good to know, Ryan,” Rachael said, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.
“Can you excuse us, Holly?” Rachael asked in an icy tone. “I think you might be in the wrong place again.” Sarcastic bitch.
“Sure. I was just leaving anyway.”
“To be honest, I have no idea why you’d be here in the first place.”
“That’s enough, Rachael,” Ryan said, sternly.
Her attempts to patronise me were not going to work. I had every right to be there.
“Jessica invited me.” Giving her my trademark ice queen glare, I stalked off. If that was who he’d replaced me with, good luck to him.
“Fucking hell.” Ryan’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “Holly, wait.”
I couldn’t resist turning around. “What?”
“This isn’t what it seems.” His face was desolate. He appeared broken.
“You’re with Rachael now, Rya
n.” I gave him a half smile. “It’s exactly as it seems.”
Turning on my heel, I opened the door and returned to the party.
Jessica quickly found me.
“Are you okay, darling?”
“I’m fine.” I wasn’t, but I would be. “Sorry again for before. I hope it hasn’t ruined your evening.”
“Of course it hasn’t.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. “Come on, I’ll introduce you around.”
The next three hours flew by as I drank cocktails and chatted to some very interesting people. Aspen, Ryan’s younger sister, was the highlight of the evening for me. She and I bonded immediately. The tension I had felt earlier eased a little. Ryan and I locked eyes on a number of occasions. I was always the one to break the contact. It was hard to look at him without feeling that familiar stab through the heart. Rachael flitted around the crowd as if they were all there for her. She reminded me so much of Eva McCormack. I really didn’t need another Eva in my life.
Glancing at my watch, I realised it was fifteen minutes until midnight. The year was nearly over. Someone tapped a champagne glass, signalling it was time for a speech.
“Can I have everyone’s attention, please?” Jessica’s voice came over the sound system.
A small podium with a microphone had been set up on the lawn. She and Jonathan were standing on it, holding hands. I glanced over at Ryan and saw that he was once again staring back at me. Rachael appeared at his side. I turned back to focus on Jessica.
When everyone was relatively quiet, she continued. “Thank you everyone for joining us this evening to celebrate our engagement.” The crowd erupted. She smiled while she waited for the noise to die down again. “New Year’s Eve is traditionally a night for celebration, so there seemed no better night for us to have this party.” She looked around and stopped when she found me. Her gaze remained on me while she continued to speak. “As this year comes to an end, I’m going to say farewell to my past. I haven’t always made the best choices in my life. Fortunately, two of the most incredible people in this world were the result of one of those choices. For that, I will be forever grateful.” Slightly teary, she held up her glass and looked at Ryan and Aspen, who were standing side by side. Aspen raised her glass. Ryan was ashen. Part of me wanted to go over and hold his hand.
“When midnight strikes in just a few minutes’ time, I move forward to the next chapter of my life with an open heart, full of love for the man standing here beside me.” She turned and looked at her fiancé. “Jonathan, you are the love of my life. It took me forever to find you, but better late than never.” He kissed her with such obvious adoration and love, I had to look away.
Dabbing my eyes with a tissue, I glanced over at Ryan, who was staring at his mother. He then looked at me with what looked like hope in his eyes.
Boom! Suddenly, there were fireworks everywhere. “Happy New Year!” Jessica and Jonathan shouted into the microphone.
I was taken by surprise as Aspen grabbed my hand and dragged me around to get more drinks. We were continually stopped by guests wanting to wish us a happy new year or claim a midnight kiss.
It was impossible for me to avoid subtly glancing around, looking for Ryan. Unfortunately, I spotted him at the exact moment he spotted me. He was kissing Rachael. Her back was to me. Ryan had opened his eyes at the exact moment I realised what I was seeing. Saving myself further heartache, I quickly looked away.
“What’s up with you and my brother?” Aspen asked.
The midnight excitement had dulled down and we were finally able to have a conversation without constant interruption.
“Nothing.” I downed the rest of my champagne. “Absolutely nothing.”
“Well that’s disappointing. I much prefer you to that Rachael snob.” She hooked her arm through mine. “My brother’s an idiot.” She slurred her words a little.
“I’ve been hearing that a bit lately.” I bumped my shoulder gently against hers. “How do we get off this bloody island?”
“There’s a boat to take guests back to the quay.” She looked at me with a horrified expression. “You’re not going home, are you?”
All I wanted to do was curl up in bed. If I was going to start the New Year afresh, I needed to get some sleep.
“I was thinking about it. My feet are killing me.”
“Seriously, Holly. No way! My best friend, Gemma, just texted me. She and her boyfriend want to meet up.”
“Well, my friends are at a club. We could go there for a while if you like?”
“Oh my God, yes! I’ll text Gemma. Where is it?”
Realising my desire to hide from the world was the old me, I gave her the details, then texted Audrey to tell her we were on our way. I was going to start the year with my best friends. It was no longer about shielding my heart from heartbreak. It was about acceptance.
I didn’t need a new plan. I needed a new angle. Ryan may not have been my forever. He did, however, give me something really precious. He gave me back my ability to love with an open heart. Even his blatant rejection hadn’t done the damage it would have six months ago. I was stronger. I was determined. I was Anna Wilson’s daughter.
“Let’s go.” I grabbed Aspen’s hand and pulled her along the lawn towards the boat jetty.
“Where are you two going?” Ryan’s voice interrupted my focus.
Aspen looked up at her brother. I didn’t.
“None of your business,” she replied bluntly.
“Don’t be a child, Aspen.”
“I’m twenty-five years old, Ryan. Don’t patronise me. Go find your snobby girlfriend and leave us alone. And by the way, are you out of your freaking mind?”
“Don’t interfere, little sister. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh my God. Could you be any more condescending? I understand plenty.” She waved her hands up and down towards me. “Here is a stunning, smart and caring girl who you ditched for a snobby cow who looks down on everyone and everything. What did I miss exactly?”
I couldn’t resist sneaking a quick glance at Ryan. His expression was a confusing combination of anger and melancholy. I had the overwhelming urge to hug him. So I did. It must have been the cocktails.
My body melded to his as if it remembered every contour of his chest. His arms wrapped around me. He buried his face in the crook of my neck. His right hand came up and caressed the back of my head – both protective and possessive. It reminded me of the many nights we lay naked together in bed, so completely at peace. But now someone else shared his bed.
Aspen was noisily clearing her throat. Reluctantly, I pushed him away and looked into his sad eyes.
“We’re going to meet my friends at a club.” I gave him my best attempt at a smile. “I’ll make sure Aspen gets home, otherwise she can stay at mine.”
“We need to talk, Holly.”
“I’m not sure we do.” I broke eye contact, mainly because I couldn’t stand looking at his beautiful eyes, so full of pain. “You’ve made your choice and I have to live with that.”
“That’s the problem.” He tilted my chin up, forcing me to look at him. He leant forward and whispered in my ear. “I can’t.”
“The boat’s here,” Aspen interrupted. “Let’s go clubbing!” She grabbed my hand and started pulling me away from Ryan.
Ryan wouldn’t let my hand go, and suddenly I was being pulled in two different directions. I dug my heels in and yanked my hands away from both of them.
“Aspen, give me a second with Ryan, okay? I’ll catch up.”
“Don’t be too long. It’s too far to swim.”
I smiled and nodded then watched her walk away, leaving us alone.
“Thank you.” Ryan reached for me again but I held my hands up.
“Look. You obviously have a girlfriend. I’ll admit I’m not happy about it. If I’m completely honest, I was devastated when I saw you with her at the airport. But it’s shown me I was wrong about us.” I braced myself with a
few deep breaths. “I’m taking your mother’s advice and starting the new year afresh. I need you to respect that and leave me alone.”
“What do you mean you were wrong about us?”
“It doesn’t matter now. You moved on.” I shrugged, then glanced towards the steps. “I’ve got to go, Ryan. I’m going to miss the boat.”
“I think I already have,” he chuckled sadly.
Rachael appeared by his side and took his hand. She kissed his cheek, which made me want to throw up.
“Come on, darling. There’s a private yacht for family.” She looked down at me as she stressed the word family.
“There you go, Ryan. You haven’t missed the boat. You’re just catching a different one.” I took a step closer to him, glared at Rachel then kissed Ryan gently on the cheek. “Happy New Year.” Stepping back, I looked at him, then her, then back to him. I took another step back, then turned and walked towards the steps.
Ryan and I were not on the same page, the same chapter or even the same book anymore. He had found a new book. Well, a trashy magazine at least. Good luck to him.
One foot in front of the other. Breathe in, breathe out.
I didn’t trip. I didn’t stumble. I descended the steps gracefully and boarded the boat. I felt sapphire eyes burning into me. I didn’t look back.
***
When Aspen and I got to Moon, Gemma was waiting for us out the front with her boyfriend, Tai.
“Where’s Ryan?”
“Don’t ask,” Aspen replied.
“Come on, let’s go in,” I suggested. “There’ll be tickets for us at the door.”
The atmosphere at Moon was electric. The dance floor was crowded and the music was thumping through the speakers. Jake really knew how to keep the party going. I spotted Audrey and Corey by the bar so I signalled that we should to head that way.
“Happy New Year!” I screamed, hugging Audrey and Corey from behind.