Mirror Me

by Rachel Sanderson

  ‘What about the gastro?’

  ‘The river of poop will just have to wait.’

  I sit down at the table and Mum puts some toast on. Zelda pads in from the other room and puts her head on my lap. As always, her presence calms me. I feel safer when she’s close. I rub her ears and run my fingers down her back. Without meaning too I let my hand move over onto her shoulder, where the scar is. As I feel the smooth patch of skin beneath my fingers a deep shudder moves through me.

  ‘I didn’t know,’ Mum says, ‘but it turns out that Mrs Lahey was David’s auntie. She’s devastated.’

  For a moment, I have no idea who Mrs Lahey is – then I remember, the receptionist at Mum’s work. Large-bosomed, grumpy. Cat earrings. And then I remember what Dave told me – that it was because of his auntie that he got to know Rebecca O’Reilley in the first place.

  ‘Oh crap,’ I say. ‘That’s awful.’

  ‘She’s taking the rest of the week off.’

  Mum’s words ring in my ears and my head pounds. Mrs Lahey worked with Dr O’Reilley, too, for years. Mrs Lahey was Dave’s auntie. Dave and Becky are both dead. There’s a kind of awful symmetry here that I just can’t make sense of. But in a small town, everybody knows everybody. Coincidences aren’t really coincidences, they’re just what happens as time passes when there’s only such a limited pool of possible interactions to draw on. I feel dizzy for a second.

  ‘Abbie are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  Mum frowns at me. ‘You don’t look fine.’

  Fair enough, I think. Fine might be overstating it. ‘I’m feeling better than I was, anyway.’

  ‘What do you want to do today? If you want to spend the day at home I’ll see if Stacey can work from home, keep you company…’

  ‘I’d like to go to school.’

  ‘If you’re sure?’ Mum studies me closely. ‘Because I don’t mind if…’

  ‘I’m sure,’ I say. I’ll go crazy stuck at home. Crazier.

  Mum sighs. ‘I was going to keep it a surprise but maybe it’s better that I tell you now. Leah is coming to visit this weekend.’

  My mind goes blank. My heart fills with something warm and tight, pain and happiness combined. ‘Seriously?’ I say. I can barely believe it.

  ‘Yep. Her dad will drive her. He wants to go and check out some caves or something just out of town, you know what he’s like. They’ll stay overnight and head back on Sunday.’

  I can hardly believe it. I’ve missed Leah so much, every minute of every day since I got here. I should be ecstatic at the thought of her visiting. I’ve wanted it for so long. But now I know it’s happening, part of me feels terrified and trapped. I feel like something bad is coming and I don’t want her to be in its path. A surge of adrenalin rushes through me. I want to run.

  ‘Is that okay?’ Mum says.

  ‘It’s great. Thanks. Just what I need,’ I say.

  I try to convince myself that’s the truth.

  Chapter forty

  ‘Bloody hell, Abbie. I almost died when I saw the news. What happened?’

  Helena’s waiting at the gate for me. I sense a muted, shocked quality to the atmosphere of the school. I see people glancing at me and wonder how many of them know that I might have been the last person to speak to Dave before he died. Add it to the list of reasons to stare, I think, and feel myself trying to shrink.

  ‘Dave took me to see Christina Trick. He left me with her. I don’t know what happened after that.’

  ‘Are you okay?’

  I nod.

  She looks at me doubtfully. ‘There’s going to be an assembly this morning. I guess they’re going to talk to us about Dave,’ she says.

  I nod again.

  ‘Hey,’ Helena says defensively. I look up, expecting to see Zeke or Cara, but it’s neither of them. It’s Duncan.

  Duncan walks with me to the far end of the school grounds. It’s hard to find a place with nobody around. He gives a couple of smokers a hard look and they grumble then move on.

  ‘I went to visit Christina, like you suggested. Dave helped me find her,’ I say.

  Duncan flinches, a movement so tiny I’m not even sure that I saw it.

  ‘So that means I basically killed Dave. If it wasn’t for me, he’d still be alive.’

  ‘How was Chrissy?’ Duncan asks, ignoring what I just said. He wants to talk about Chrissy? Dave Hill is dead and he wants to talk about Chrissy?

  ‘She’s calling herself Tina now. She’s moving to Sydney this weekend. She didn’t look like she was doing all that well.’

  Duncan nods. ‘She let you in though. That’s something. Did it help? Talking to her?’

  I pause. I’ve hardly even had a chance to think about it. Too much has happened, too quickly. Did it help? Kind of, I guess.

  ‘She said the same thing about Damien that your Dad did. He was always really gentle. She couldn’t imagine he’d hurt Becky. And she said there was a hydroponics set up in the house. Did you know about that?’

  Duncan frowns. ‘I heard a rumour or two, but I’d never actually seen it.’

  ‘Tina said she saw it. Becky showed her. But she said she didn’t think Damien was dealing all that much.’

  Now Duncan looks surprised. ‘Oh, it wasn’t Damien’s. That was for Uncle Pete. He was a bit of a fan of the medical marijuana. He may have, you know, provided it to some of his patients who he thought could benefit. He’d written to pollies about it and everything, trying to get the law changed.’

  I sit, blank-staring, as I try to take in this new piece of information.

  ‘If Damien was selling it, he was probably doing it without his Dad’s say so.’

  ‘Really?’

  Duncan shrugged. ‘My uncle’s views weren’t a secret. I mean, he’d talk about it over Christmas lunch, you know? The fact that he was supplying was kept a bit quieter but it doesn’t surprise me at all. He always tried to do what he believed was best for his patients, even if it meant bending the rules.’

  ‘Tina said the police thought the drugs might have had something to do with the O’Reilleys being killed. That maybe that’s what Damien and his parents fought about and he just snapped or something.’

  Duncan snorts. ‘Then the police don’t know shit.’

  ‘Have you spoken to Damien, at all?’ I ask. ‘Since he was arrested.’

  Duncan turns away and his expression darkens.

  ‘Have you had any contact with him? Has anyone?’

  ‘His lawyer,’ Duncan says. ‘That’s about it, as far as I know.’

  ‘You haven’t ever wondered how he’s doing?’

  ‘I’ll hear all about it at the trial, I guess,’ Duncan says. ‘Whenever that is.’

  ‘So why did you want to talk to me?’ I say. I feel suddenly fed up. I’m tired of the constant fear, the constant questions. Rebecca O’Reilley has taken over my life and frankly, right now, I’m sick of her.

  ‘I just… I wanted to know about Chrissy. I feel bad I never checked in with her. I couldn’t face her. She reminded me too much of Becky.’

  ‘Must have sucked for you when I turned up then,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah,’ Duncan says, looking away. ‘It did.’

  Chapter forty-one

  As the weekend draws closer I grow more and more nervous. I don’t know what I’ll do with Leah in my house for a whole two days. We’ve never been the sitting still type of friends. In Sydney, we’d fill our time wandering, browsing, mooching through second-hand stores, drinking hot chocolates and salivating over window-cakes. She’d always want to try something new – Indian cookery classes, belly dancing, yoga, kite-making. Leah’s not someone who can sit still. Though I know she’s going to be excited to meet Zelda and happy to see me, I can’t see the excitement that is Derrington and surrounds captivating her for long.

  I tell Zeke about Leah, assuming they’ll probably meet while she’s here, which makes me anxious for a whole other bunch of reasons. When I mention
that Leah’s dad, Aaron, is going caving, Zeke’s attention pricks up.

  ‘Is he heading to Myers Gap?’ he asks. ‘I’ve wanted to go there forever.’

  ‘The name sounds familiar,’ I say. ‘I’m not sure though.’

  ‘Dad promised he’d take me but he never did. It’s meant to be amazing. You have to hike into the forest to find it, and there are these really complex caverns all through the limestone, with stalactites and stalagmites. There’s lots you can explore that are close to the surface but people have done some really deep expeditions there as well. You’d have to be properly set up, of course, and you’d need to have all the right gear and know what you’re doing and everything. Wow, that would be so awesome.’

  As Zeke’s talking, I have a pinging of realisation somewhere in the back of my mind. Myer’s Gap. I’m pretty sure that Duncan mentioned it to me once as a place where Becky and Damien used to spend time. He’d said Becky loved exploring the caves and Damien used to vanish out there for days on end when he didn’t feel comfortable around people anymore. Suddenly I feel an urge to see it.

  ‘Maybe I could ask Aaron if you could go along with him? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,’ I say.

  ‘Hmmm. Might be a bit weird though, don’t you think?’

  ‘What if Leah and I came too? That would be more fun than hanging around the house for a weekend anyway…’

  Leah will hate it, I know. But if it helps me learn more about Damien O’Reilley, then that’s not enough reason for me not to go.

  Leah’s dad runs a tight schedule. He’s a fan of early starts and making the most of the day, so even though it’s a five-hour drive from Sydney, he and Leah arrive in the big black Toyota Landcruiser well before lunch on Saturday. Leah looks like she was dragged out of bed without a shower or a chance to even look in the mirror. Her dark hair is sticking out in all directions, and her face has creases from where she’s been leaning against a pillow that she wedged against the passenger-side window. She’s wearing loose grey trackies, a plain black t-shirt and embroidered ballet flats. I feel a rush of relief the instant that I see her. It’s been the longest we’ve ever been apart. Her expression shifts from grumpy to grinning in an instant.

  ‘Abigail!’ she yells. Before her dad even has a chance to turn the engine off, she’s bounding out of the car and running straight at me so hard I think she’s going to bowl me over.

  ‘Oh my gosh you look… wow, your hair?’ She gives me a huge hug then pulls back and looks at me. I’d forgotten. The cutting and dyeing I’d done, I’d sent her a photo the day after but I guess things look different in real life. I’ve been talking to her and texting her and Skyping most days since I’ve been away, but none of that takes the place of actually just seeing one another, face to face.

  ‘Oh my gosh what is that?’ I say. There’s a glint of silver in her nose. ‘Is that a piercing? Leah!’

  ‘I got it done a few weeks ago. What do you reckon? I was saving it up as a surprise. Do you like it?’

  ‘I love it,’ I say, trying to recalibrate my image of her. ‘Did it hurt?’

  ‘What, having a giant needle stuck through my nose? Not at all! Yeah it kind of stung and throbbed a bit but it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. The guy who did it was pretty cute so that helped, you know,’ she grins.

  ‘Where did you get it done? Who went with you?’

  ‘Um Tania and Jessie actually. Tania got her belly button done at the same time. Jessie just went white and tried not to faint.’

  I go blank for a second. Tania and Jessie made my life hell for six months or so back in year eight. Sure, that was a few years ago now, but I’d avoided them ever since and Leah had too. And now she was getting piercings with them? It’s lucky that Mum comes out of the house at that moment because I have absolutely no idea what to say.

  ‘Leah, Aaron, so lovely to see you. Come in. Long trip? Did you stop or drive straight through?’

  And Aaron and my mum start talking like the old friends they are.

  ‘You have to meet Zelda,’ I say to Leah, trying to recover myself, remembering how excited Leah had been about her, how excited I had been about this visit.

  ‘Okay but I’m warning you, I may have to dog-nap her. Seriously.’

  I take Leah around the back of the house and in through the laundry. Zelda is a big lump on the dog-bed.

  ‘Here she is,’ I say. ‘Zelda pup! Wake up!’

  She lifts her head and bangs her tail and looks at me.

  ‘Wow she’s beautiful,’ Leah says and crouches down beside her. ‘Hey Zelda. D’you remember me? We talked on the phone a few times. I’m your mummy’s BEEEST buddy in the whole world and I’m so pleased to meet you. She’s told me all about you.’

  I grin. Zelda sniffs the hand that Leah offers and gives a happy-whine and tail thumps a few more times. Leah scratches her head and pats her on her back.

  ‘Ah. She’s so lovely,’ she says longingly. ‘Maybe Dad will change his mind on the no-animals policy one day.’

  ‘Well, she’ll be coming back to Sydney with us next year anyway,’ I say, though it’s hard to imagine Zelda on a city street with cars whizzing past and people everywhere, or in the tiny terraced house like my family used to live in before the move.

  ‘You’ll be a big city dog, won’t you? Oh yes you will…’ Leah scratches behind her ears and Zelda lays her head down on the pillow compliantly and makes a little groany noise.

  ‘Come and have something to eat,’ I say. ‘Mum’s got a whole spread ready. Stacey’s been baking again.’

  Then Tom spots Leah and there is more excitement and eventually we all crowd around the kitchen table and Mum starts serving up the food.

  ‘So, have you had any more… stuff happen?’ Leah asks in a low voice. I tense up. There’s so much I haven’t told her. It got too hard, dealing with her worry on top of everything else. And I started to hear a tone of incredulity in her voice when I spoke to her, like she thought I was exaggerating or imagining things or making it up.

  ‘Can we not talk about it now? Let’s just eat,’ I say.

  ‘Okay, but later. Your mum said you’d been pretty stressed. I’m here as your friend and unofficial therapist, right? You can tell me anything.’

  ‘Just having you here makes me feel better,’ I say.

  I realise I don’t want to tell Leah about it. She won’t get it. She won’t believe me. She thinks I need therapy? I have no idea what I need, but therapy isn’t it.

  As it turns out, there’s not much opportunity to talk anyway. Leah comes and chats with me while I pack a daypack, and then before I know it we’re piling into the back of Aaron’s four-wheel drive and Mum is waving goodbye and we’re heading into town to collect Zeke.

  Aaron puts the radio on just in time to catch a news broadcast. Leah is saying something to me but I find myself blocking her voice out so I can listen to the news, wanting to hear if there’s anything about Dave – if the police have arrested anybody or got any new leads. But he’s not mentioned. Only a few days gone and it’s like he never existed.

  Zeke didn’t want us to have to drive out to his place to collect him, so he’s waiting on the corner of George Street near the petrol station.

  ‘There he is,’ I say to Aaron. ‘You can just pull in on the side of the road here.’

  I feel suddenly, horribly nervous. My old life and my new life are colliding, and I don’t know how it’s going to go. I catch something in Leah’s expression as she assesses Zeke. He’s wearing long khaki shorts and sneakers and a Star Wars t-shirt. His hair is straggly and his bag is a battered khaki sack. I feel a protective tightening inside me. I don’t want her to think badly of him. I don’t want him to be the butt of any of her sharply-edged jokes.

  Aaron parks the car. Before I have the chance to tie myself up in too many knots Zeke jumps in the front, turns back and grins.

  ‘You must be Leah,’ he says. I see Leah’s expression shift and I know that the grin has worked the same
magic on her that it does on me.

  ‘Hey,’ she says. ‘Nice to finally meet you. Abbie never stops talking about you.’

  Zeke laughs. ‘Same same,’ he says.

  ‘And it sounds like you may have saved her life a little,’ she says. ‘That used to be my job.’

  He shoots me a look and I shrug.

  ‘Alright kids, let’s go,’ Aaron says from the front. ‘Zeke can you read a map?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Really? I thought that GPS meant nobody of your generation could read maps anymore?’

  ‘I did some orienteering when I was younger. I’m a bit rusty but I should be okay.’

  ‘Okey dokey. You can help ground-truth my navigation when we get to the caves then, too.’

  And then we head out of town and onto the highway and the car picks up speed and we’re leaving everything behind and for a moment, for the first time in ages, I feel relaxed and I feel happy and I feel free.

  Chapter forty-two

  ‘Alright kids, get ready for some bumps,’ Aaron says as we turn off the highway onto a pot-holed dirt track. There’s a closed gate in front of us. Zeke jumps out and opens it. A sign on the gate says Turramurra Nature Reserve, and there are a whole bunch of picture of things you might think of doing with a slash through them.

  No fires. No dogs – lucky we left Zelda at home. No motorbikes. No littering. No shooting or fishing.

  We drive through at a walking pace and Zeke shuts the gate after us and jumps back in.

  ‘Have you been here before, Zeke?’ Aaron asks.

  ‘I’ve been into the reserve before. The main entrance is further up and it takes you to a picnic spot. We used to go there sometimes in the summer holidays. There’s a river you can swim in and stuff. It’s pretty nice.’

  As we keep driving, slowly now, the landscape changes. The terrain begins to undulate. The trees are taller, with broad pale-barked trunks rising and canopy shadowing the road. There are tree ferns and tall native grass and low bushes. Aaron winds a window down and I can smell eucalyptus. Birdsong echoes high and clear. A wallaby jumps away, vanishing into the dappled undergrowth with a few quick hops.