A Heart of Flesh

by Casey Hays

  I’m broken—at the end of my rope—and all I can think is what am I to God? When have I given him a true second of my attention? Or my loyalty? Or my faith? Why should he help me?

  And yet, who else is there?

  No one.

  A verse from the Scriptures is suddenly in my head. “Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

  “God?”

  The whisper tears up my throat, and the black thing hovers, suddenly wary. It wants my soul; I can feel it like talons on my back. I shiver and shove against it.

  “I need you, Yeshua.” I finally admit it. I lift my hands briefly and let them fall to my sides in defeat, choking out the words, ashamed of my stubborn heart. “I’ve always needed you.”

  I don’t even try to stop the tears this time. I hang my head, defeated. And then…

  I am your strength, Justin. Rest in me.

  A warmth sears through my chest, and I tense up, listening. Only the breeze whistles through the trees, and that’s when I know the voice is inside me. The black monster retreats, waiting in the shadows of my ribcage, looking for its chance to swoop in again.

  A sudden burst of powerful air hits my face, stirring my hair. God’s hand is in it; I recognize it this time. A recollection of all the scriptures Penelope ever taught me shuffles through me like a book of flying pages. The clouds seem to race by overhead, and I tremble with a new kind of fear. It’s called awe.

  There’s a tug on my heart, subtle and solid, and I follow it. I move further away from the farm, further down the creek, following the sound of the quiet voice whispering to my soul—full of peace. The blackness? It slumps out of my skin and shrinks backwards into the trees.

  Tonight, my soul lifts on the wind, and I listen to its cry for the first time.

  I listen, and God answers.

  Chapter 16

  The sun is long gone by the time I return to the farm. All three houses stand in a huddle, dark and silent guardians of the sleeping. I move across the field, my mind still full of thoughts but with one difference. The weight of my fear? It’s gone. My bitterness toward Ian? God and I are working on it.

  Diana sits on our porch in a wicker chair, casting the beam of a flashlight out into the darkness across the yard. When she catches me in its light, she climbs to her feet and moves to the top of the steps. She’s been waiting.

  I stop right in the middle of the lawn and shove my hands into my pockets, peering up at her with a guilty, sideways glance.

  “Are you finished evading?”

  I lick my lips. “I wasn’t evading.”

  “Really?” She crosses her arms and steps down one level. “Running off for a whole day? Leaving us to deal with all the training? This isn’t evading?”

  I smile. “I was revamping.”

  “All day?” Her voice is accusatory.

  “I needed to run,” I shrug. “To think.”

  “Where have you been?”

  I lift my brows. “With God.”

  “Oh.” She blinks and steps into the yard. “And?”

  I smile. “And everything is good.” Moving forward, I reach up to tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear. “Everything,” I reiterate.

  She doesn’t say anything. Her eyes skip across my face, and then, without warning, she throws herself against me. Cheek to my chest, she laces her arms around my waist. It takes a minute to get my bearings as I absorb the shock before I envelop her and sink into the embrace. A huge sigh encompasses us both, and it feels good.

  “Don’t ever leave like that again.”

  Her body trembles with the command. It’s an order, plain and simple, and it hits me hard right in my chest. Because it means something. Something for us.

  “I won’t.” I squeeze her. “I won’t.”

  She burrows herself deeper against me, clinging, and I love it.

  “I’m sorry,” I offer. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

  “I’m so frightened, Justin.” Her arms tighten around my waist. “Penelope’s warnings are coming true. And—”

  She breaks off; I lean back to look at her.

  “And what?”

  She pulls completely away, and the absence of her body is strikingly obvious on my skin. Her crystal eyes brim with tears in the beam of her flashlight.

  “I don’t like it without you here,” she finishes. “I don’t want any of this without you here.”

  I can’t speak. I just look at her, taking in her features that are so beautiful even in the shadows. She wrings her hands, watching me, and a smile creeps onto my lips, slow and steady. She just opened the door.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I whisper.

  She sighs with relief, pursing her lips, and I’m suddenly not afraid of the “us” I’ve been longing for. She stands there, holding that metaphorical door wide open, and I’m done stalling on the other side of it.

  “Diana, would you—” I hesitate. Now that I’ve made up my mind, my fear tries to choke me out again. A constant noose around my neck. She studies me. I shove my hands into my pockets and force it out. “Would you ever… choose me?”

  She tilts her head, creasing her brows, and my gut turns sour. That’s not the look I was hoping for, and the noose tightens a notch. A full ten seconds passes, and I do believe that if I could shed one ounce of sweat, this would be the one time I would. But it’s out. I can’t take it back. Nerves trembling, I fidget, waiting.

  On the eleventh second, a tiny smile tips up the corner of her lip.

  “From the moment Yeshua entered my heart, I have prayed.” Her voice is soft, stepping carefully with her words, and my nerves burn. I fix my eyes on her. “I’ve thanked him for his healing and for easing the pain of losing Tabitha.” She lifts her brows, honing in on me. “And I’ve prayed for you. That you would first seek God… and then me.”

  The shock lasts only a second as her light eyes pin themselves to my own dark ones. She tilts her head.

  “Justin,” she whispers. “I chose you long ago.”

  My heart stops in the middle of a beat and then sinks into the sweetest place it’s ever been. I take one step toward her, a finished hope flooding up and overflowing at her confession.

  “He answered your prayer.”

  I say it quickly… because I’m afraid this moment will pass away before I have a chance to confirm the reality of it. A beat. She breaks into a full smile. This nudges a relieved laugh out of me, and in that instant, our hearts take the last few steps and find each other. The look in her eyes? I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Yet, how did I never notice it until now?

  One more step, and she’s in my arms. She laughs, and tears spring up in the same moment. Then my eyes are wet, and I can’t stop smiling. Her arms slide around my neck, and I study her face, my chest warm with the realization of what we’re doing. Can this be happening? After all this time, it’s unreal. I pause only a second longer before taking her face in my hands and pressing in to taste the sweetness of her kiss for the first time. She yields to me, her body relaxing as if it already knows she’s mine, her kiss filled with hope and faith and trust. It’s enough to make me believe in anything.

  If Diana loves me, anything is possible. It just is.

  Our lips cling to each other, fitting together as perfectly as our entwined fingers, and I could hold her forever, feeling her heart beating in sync with mine.

  “You’ve wasted an awful lot of time with your stalling,” she whispers against my mouth. I feel hers curl into a smile, and I capture her bottom lip between my teeth before pulling back to see her face. “God and I have both been patiently waiting.”

  “Yeah, I know.” I take up her hand and pin it against my chest. “I guess I’d better start making up for it.”

  I kiss her fingers. Feel her breath on my face. Taste her scent on my lips. My emotions run rampant, and in the same beat of a second, I experience both the happy joy and the intense seriousness of this moment
. But one detail is different: God’s grace has made me brave, and finally, I’m not afraid to give my whole self to her. In fact, I know exactly what comes next. I run my thumb along her jawline.

  “No more stalling,” I whisper. “Marry me. Right now.”

  Her eyebrows lift just slightly, proving her surprise. But then, her smile returns with a shallow sigh.

  “Yes,” she says.

  “Yes?”

  She nods furiously, a tear trailing over the curve of her cheek and puddling against the edge of my thumb. It’s insane, but this is exactly right. I kiss her with a longing that sends a shiver through us simultaneously. I don’t care what time it is; we’re doing this. Now.

  I grab her hand and tug her toward the farmhouse to wake Aaron and Penelope.

  Chapter 17

  In the middle of the night, with Penelope and Sophia as witnesses, Aaron marries us. The wind tugs at Diana’s skirt and whips softly at her hair until she gathers a fistful and holds it in place. Her shining eyes never break away. They’re a steady constant, glued to my own as the words of promise spill first from my mouth and then hers. And here, under the eyes of God, the midnight shadow of the oak tree, and a full moon, we make an oath to love each other forever.

  “It’s nice to see a moment of happiness in the heartache.” Aaron shakes my hand with a wink. I can’t argue. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier. “And I understand why you didn’t wait until morning.”

  Penelope grazes my cheek with a kiss and takes Diana’s face in her hands.

  “I hope you two know how blessed you are.”

  “We do,” I nod.

  Diana links her fingers more securely into mine, and I understand what Penelope means. God prepared this moment just for us. A treasure. Regardless of everything we face, despite my recent rebellious heart, he’s bestowed another gift on me, and my heart swells with his mercy.

  And so tonight, we embrace the gift. We forget our troubles. I don’t stand outside Diana’s bedroom or sit in the chair beside her bed listening to her breathing. I don’t hide in the shadows of the kitchen wishing I had the guts to march out onto the porch and steal her heart away. It’s right here… in my hand. So we lock the bedroom door together and tumble into each other’s arms. We shed our inhibitions, bare our skin, and become one.

  I almost pinch myself. This must be a dream.

  Diana’s body is soft and warm pressed against my skin. Her sweat leaves a trail of sweet-smelling wetness across my dry flesh, and her lips, hot with desire, pull at mine hungrily. At first, I’m afraid my weight will crush her. I’m so much bigger, and I don’t always remember my own strength. But she is not afraid. Not one bit. She guides my hand, comfortable with my touching her, with my looking at her. I shiver, and she responds to the longing that aches inside my body and manifests in my eyes. Her smile pulses with a mixture of love and seduction—a smile I’ve never seen on her face before. She reserved it for this moment alone behind closed doors… and only for me. Before long, we sink beneath the waves of pleasure.

  Afterwards, Diana snuggles close, wonderfully exhausted and fulfilled. She drapes an arm over my chest; I pull her closer. I could stay in this bed forever with her melded against me–a new extension of myself. The feel of her skin on mine is sticky and sweet with the love we shared.

  She sighs, her body relaxing, and she runs a finger through the hairs on my chest.

  “How long have you kept me in the dark about your feelings?” She smiles sleepily and tucks her head up under my chin. I kiss her hair.

  “Too long.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.” I heave a sigh. “I guess, because I was afraid you wouldn’t love me back.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  Why, she asks. I sigh as the question ripples over me and lands solidly on the answer. Kate.

  Without meaning to, that beautiful chocolate-eyed girl captured my heart for a time, and she and Diana were friends. In fact, I might’ve been jealous of Ian… for winning her heart. I might’ve loved Kate even; I’m not really sure. I felt… something.

  After that, why would Diana want me? I barely noticed her when Kate was in the vicinity. For that, I feel ashamed. Diana was right there in front of my face, but Kate was an ever-present distraction. She was a future I could never have, and honestly, one that I didn’t want. In hindsight, I see it. This woman lying beside me… she is my destiny. So how can I answer this question without breaking her heart? The only heart I never want to break.

  I squeeze her, cupping her elbow in the palm of my hand. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “Oh?” Her voice carries a smile in it. “Then who do you deserve?”

  I’m stumped. She rolls to her side, connecting with me, and I run my fingers the length of her back. Instead of answering, I turn the questioning on her.

  “When did you know you loved me?” I ask.

  She smiles. “That’s easy. Do you remember how difficult Caleb was his first year?”

  I think a minute. Caleb was not an easy baby. He was colicky. Cried most of the time, and between him and Henry, Diana was ragged from lack of sleep for the first few months of Caleb’s life. At one point, I thought she just might lose her mind if something didn’t change, and I felt miserable for her.

  “I remember,” I nod.

  “Do you also remember that you did something for me back then? You took him for a whole night. You stayed up with him. You fed him with the bottle you’d designed for Tabitha. You rocked him and walked him and sang to him. He responded to you. And I slept soundly for the first time since his birth.”

  I study her. I remember this, too. After all she’d been through with Tabitha, I had to ease her burden somehow. Her fingers linger up to play with my lower lip before resting against my neck.

  “You loved my son.” She trails a lazy finger over the infinity symbol tattooed on my bicep. “That’s the day I fell in love with you.”

  “That long?” A tear pricks my eye, and my voice croaks with emotion. “You never told me.”

  “No. Because I knew you had more pressing business. I didn’t want to muddle up the mission with my feelings.”

  “You should have,” I say. I kiss her once.

  “Caleb slept through the night after that.” She hones in on me, her eyes dancing in the light of the low-burning candle. “I knew then that we both needed you.” She pauses, a sigh falling from her lips. “I came here because I wanted to help the children. I truly did. But even more, I came here to be near you.”

  We’re quiet for a few seconds before she continues.

  “And when I saw that you had the same love for Henry, for Nicholas, for all of the children, I knew I’d made the right choice.” She rolls up and props her chin on my chest, concentrating fully on me. “So I’ve waited for God to move your heart.”

  Her words. They are what move me now. I sink down to meet her eye level. Her sleepy gaze fixates on my face, full of emotion, and I get it now. Ian? He had to go. How could he not? When God weaves a heart into the sinews of another, it’s final.

  “I love you.” I sigh deep in my chest and toy with a strand of her hair, twisting it around my finger. “Always.”

  “Always,” she agrees. “My husband.”

  She pulls up, straddles me, her hair cascading in long tresses that hide her breasts. She cocks her head to one side, an alluring smile toying at her lips, and I lose it. Flipping us over, I drag her down beneath me and hover, inches between her lips and mine. She laughs, arches her back, and slides her arms around my neck.

  For the rest of the night, we drown together, and there’s no doubt: I’m the happiest man alive.

  Chapter 18

  Nick sits on the edge of his cot. He stares me down through the bars of his prison, belligerent. It takes everything in me to keep my cool. I tap the flashlight against my palm, impatient.

  “I can do this all day, Nick.” I keep my voice low and steady. Convincing.

  “You c
an’t keep me in here forever.”

  His child’s voice is so mature, so full of command. But it’s the Serum talking, and the hairs on the back of my neck ruffle up with a flood of goosebumps. It’s an eerie thing coming from someone who’s not even five years old yet. The darkness of the basement seems to close in around us.

  I glance at Stephen. He’s silent, face pressed up against the bars, fingers wrapped tightly—listening. I refocus on Nick.

  “That’s not what we want.” I straighten in my chair, masking my unease with the motion. “We’re trying to find a way to help you. That’s all.”

  “We don’t need help.”

  It’s Stephen who answers. I flick my eyes toward him, running a hand through my hair. It’s been five days since I got back from Eden. For five days, we’ve had this same conversation. For five days, we’ve been unable to get close enough to Nick to extract a sample of Serum for Penelope’s tests. He’s too fast. Too strong.

  Too clever.

  As for Stephen, he’s refused to come out of the cage, even though we believe he’s not as far gone. He’s afraid of himself—afraid of what he’ll do. That’s what he told me. I don’t blame him. I stand, pace the length of the room, turn back. Neither boy moves a muscle.

  “I hope you know how much I love you both.” I mean it. Stephen blinks once; Nick’s face is like stone. I take a step toward him. “More than anything I want to let you out of that cage, Nick.”

  “Then do it.”

  His voice is metallic, and I feel the sharp tug inside me as his nanos connect with mine. A cold heat—that’s the best way to explain it. It starts in my fingertips and surges up my arms in a rush of sensation until it reaches my heart, floods up into my neck, and tries to tell my brain what to do. Open the cage. Nick’s eyes flicker. He’s called my bluff. I can’t do this all day after all. I take a deep breath, shove against the invading nanos with all I’ve got, and turn toward the stairs.

  “Are you afraid?” Nicholas asks. The nanos ease back, pulsing. I pause on the bottom step, my fingers gripping the rail, and answer him over my shoulder.