Pampered to Death
Page 18
I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Masters.
Oh, for crying out loud. What a ham. Any minute now, she’d be doing the balcony scene from Romeo & Juliet.
“Why can’t you be more like Prozac?” Kendra chided Armani, who was watching the proceedings from the crook of her arm.
To which Armani let out a vicious growl.
I knew just how he felt.
Bright and early the next morning, I checked out of The Haven, and in a touching gesture of gratitude, Delphine offered to carry my luggage to the parking lot for only five bucks.
It was with happy heart indeed that I got in my Corolla and drove off from Diet Hell, two and a half pounds heavier than when I checked in.
YOU’VE GOT MAIL
Tampa Vistas Tattler
Candidate Charged with Indecent Exposure
A citation has been issued to Tampa Vistas resident Hank Austen for showing up at the recent presidential debate in I My Gnome boxer shorts. “His behavior was totally inappropriate,” claimed Lydia Pinkus, who won the election in an unprecedented 798-to-1 landslide, “and an insult to our viewers.”
“With legs like his,” added Channel 99 producer Artie Myers, “the guy should stick to long johns.”
Austen has been banned from the clubhouse for three months, and from the Channel 99 studio forever.
To: Jausten
From: DaddyO
Subject: Little Snafu
Dearest Lambchop—
I suppose by now you’ve heard about the little snafu at the debate. I’m afraid your mom was a bit miffed, but I managed to worm my way back into her good graces with a dozen roses and some chocolates.
And I’m sorry to say I lost the election by a rather wide margin. Unbelievable, isn’t it? If you ask me, Lydia rigged the votes. But Mom threatened to divorce me if I demanded a recount, so I guess for the time being, I’ll have to retire from politics.
Try not to be too upset, sweetheart. I may have lost the vote, but I won a moral victory. I can hold my head high, knowing I went to bat for my poor, downtrodden gnomes.
By the way, I’m sending you one for your apartment. I know you’re going to love him. His name is Morty.
Love ’n hugs,
Daddy
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Seven Hundred Ninety-Eight to One!
As you can see from the Tattler, Daddy lost the election, 798 to 1. And you’ll never guess who the one person was who voted for him—Lydia Pinkus!! That’s right. Daddy wasn’t allowed to vote (he’s been banned from the clubhouse) and I was too upset to even bother.
Dear, sweet Lydia, figuring Daddy wasn’t going to get any votes, took pity on him. Isn’t she just the most wonderful person? And now Daddy is accusing her of rigging the votes! I tell you, honey, that man is impossible. I’d be absolutely furious with him if it weren’t for the chocolates he gave me. Nougats with cashews. My favorite. It’s hard to stay angry with chocolate in your mouth.
And best news of all—Daddy’s finally going to take those god-awful gnomes off the lawn. Hallelujah!
Well, I’m off to my Aztec & Incan history class!
Con mucho amor,
Mom
To: Jausten
From: DaddyO
Subject: Great News!
Great news, lambchop!
I took the gnomes off the lawn and found an even better place for them—the living room!
They sure brighten up this dull old space.
Can’t wait to show ’em to your mom!
Love,
Daddy
Epilogue
Mallory Francis fans everywhere will be happy to know that Cathy (aka Lorraine Sandoval) is in jail awaiting trial for murder.
In related news, several crew members who’d worked with Mallory have banded together to start the Lorraine Sandoval Defense Fund. So far, contributions have totaled more than $972,000.
Kendra decided not to press charges against Sven and Shawna for stealing Mallory’s necklace, and last I heard, the Aerobics Twins were working at a Bally’s in West Covina.
As for Kendra, it turns out she and Armani are getting along just fine. More than fine, now that Armani’s bringing home the big bucks. That’s right. Kendra took Armani to doggie obedience school, where he was discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. One thing led to another and the little pooch is now starring as “Butch, the Killer Peke” in Revenge of the Lust Busters, Part II.
Kendra is acting as his personal trainer. Rumor has it she’s dating Clint Masters.
More good news: Harvy’s salon has been discovered by the Beverly Hills fashionista set and is doing wonderfully well.
Rumor has it he’s dating Clint Masters, too.
Business at The Haven has been booming ever since Olga took on Delphine as her business partner. (Trust me, some day that kid will be running IBM.) Grateful for my work in cracking the case, Olga sent me a ginormous gluten-free, low-calorie muffin gift basket. (It comes in quite handy as a doorstop.)
And finally, in the Dreams Really Do Come True Department, Kevin the cook is now a busboy at Applebee’s.
As for Lance, it took me a while, but I finally forgave him. Last week he took me out for a chateaubriand dinner-for-two with all the trimmings. (Lance had the poached fish.)
Prozac is happy as a clam to be back home with snacks on tap 24/7. Although sometimes in her more pensive moments, she gets this faraway look in her eyes, and I know she’s thinking of The Koi that Got Away.
Well, gotta run and feed Her Highness before my date shows up. That’s right. I, Jaine Austen, charter member of the Saturday Night Pizza-for-One Club, have actually got a date.
In the Dreams Really Do Come True Department, Part II, Darryl is coming to town to see me. I’ve invited him to my apartment for a home-cooked Italian dinner—Caesar salad, lasagna, and tiramisu for dessert.
It should be ready any minute now, just as soon as the delivery guy shows up.
KENSINGTON BOOKS are published by
Kensington Publishing Corp.
119 West 40th Street
New York, NY 10018
Copyright © 2011 by Laura Levine
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
Kensington and the K logo Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.
Library of Congress Card Catalogue Number: 2011927358
ISBN: 978-0-7582-3847-4