Sweet Burden

by K L Ogden

  He gritted his teeth and got up walking over to the fireplace. He stabbed at the flames with the poker and then rested his hands on the mantle. He glanced at the large flower painting that hung above. “I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings,” he whispered.

  “Um hm,” Guri mumbled.

  “I didn’t,” he said in protest and turned around. “I don’t want to hurt her. I just…I don’t know.”

  “You know you feel something more for her. Why don’t you tell her before it’s too late?”

  “A shinigami should not have emotions,” Obi said under his breath.

  “You’re not a death god anymore. Look in the mirror. Even your eyes are changing. And just because you’re not supposed to feel, doesn’t mean you can’t. You know you feel something more for her beyond protecting her.”

  Obi took a deep breath and turned, resting his forehead on his arm against the mantle. “Guri, Hitomi is like a pure ray of light. I am nothing but shrouded in shadows and death. I don’t deserve to feel anything for her.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of the things I’ve done and the life I lived before. Doing good now does not erase anything.”

  “You can’t undo the past. But you should hate yourself for hurting Hitomi.”

  “I already hate myself!” Obi shouted. “She deserves better than me. I would be an utter embarrassment to her. And I won’t do that to her. I will not bring her down my path. I would rather torture myself.”

  “Well, you’re doing a good job at that,” Guri grumbled. “Honestly Obi, don’t you think she should be the one to choose what she wants? She cares about you regardless of what you are. You have to see that.”

  “I’m not good enough for her,” he shot back as he tried not to think about the possibility of Hitomi feeling something for him.

  “You’re scared!” Guri fired right back at him.

  “So what? Maybe I am.” His shoulders relaxed and he let out a deep sigh. “I am,” he whispered.

  “And you have every right to be,” Guri tried to assure him. “This is all new to you. Before Hitomi you hardly had an emotion. It’s not like you’ve fallen in love before.”

  Obi’s head whipped around as his body instantly tensed again. “Love?” he scoffed at the idea.

  “Yah.” Guri nodded. “Oh c’mon Obi. You’re either blind or dumb. Perhaps both. But you know how you feel about her even if you don’t want to admit it and just maybe she feels the same way about you.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” Obi huffed. “How could I ever love?” His chest tightened as he said the word again. “How could anyone love me? I could never be loved.” He clenched his jaw and closed his hands into fists. He had done terrible things and killed people. Those facts were never going to change. He would never be forgiven for past actions. He did not deserve to love her and he certainly did not deserve her love back.

  “Give her the choice Obi. She might surprise you.”

  “No.” He took a deep breath and his exhale trembled. “I won’t do that to her.” Obi felt as though he was suffocating and the walls were closing in on him. He needed to get away. He needed to think without Guri in his head. He needed Hitomi’s scent out of his system. Letting out another deep breath, he pushed himself from the mantle.

  “Obi?”

  “What now?” he practically growled.

  “How does it feel? To love, I mean.”

  He walked towards the door, but stopped with his hand on the handle. “The sweetest burden.” He opened the door and stepped out onto the porch.

  “Where are you going?” Guri called after him.

  “For a walk.” Obi let the cabin door slam behind him. He turned to the bedroom window and said a silent apology to Hitomi. He removed his jacket and his wings spread out behind him as he looked up at the sky.

  ****

  Hitomi woke up early the next morning. The sky was grey, but a bit of light crept through the curtains. She rolled over in the bed and wiped the dried tears from the corners of her eyes. Staring at the bedroom door, she felt a slight pain in her chest. She could feel something wasn’t right and she quickly crawled out of the bed.

  She cracked the door open and peeked out seeing Guri asleep in the chair. She quietly walked out into the main room scanning for Obi, but in her heart she knew he wasn’t there.

  “He’s not here,” Guri grumbled as he shifted in the chair. “He didn’t come back last night.”

  “What do you mean? When did he leave?” Hitomi asked moving around in front of him.

  “He just said he was going for a walk, but he never came back. It was a few hours after we got here. We were talking, he got upset and left.” He let out a sigh and closed his eyes.

  Her chest clenched and she felt like collapsing to the floor. “Shouldn’t we go look for him?”

  “He’s the tracker, not me.”

  “But…”

  “He’ll come back. Eventually,” Guri interrupted.

  Hitomi tightened her sweater around herself and went out to the porch. It was extremely cold outside, but she hardly noticed as she moved over to an old bench swing. She curled up on it and stared out into the dense woods.

  She started replaying everything in her head concerning Obi. She thought about how she could have done things differently. It was because of her that he left. She tucked her head into her arms as her body trembled.

  The vision of him in her mind haunted her thoughts. She was trying hard not to face the truth of the situation. He didn’t care for her. He was only drawn to her because that was part of his role. His departure left a gaping hole in her chest and she felt silly. Obi was right. She was a silly little girl. And now she was involved in something beyond her comprehension and alone.

  Hitomi had been ready to give her heart to him, but now she realized that he never wanted it. Part of her wanted to search for him just to see him again, but the other part of her wasn’t sure she would be able to handle seeing him again. She wasn’t even fully convinced that he would come back.

  Hitomi had no idea how long she had been sitting there when Guri came outside. He stepped in front of her and draped a blanket around her shoulders. He knelt down in front of her and put on a smile.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  She merely shrugged in response.

  “It’s freezing. You’re going to catch a cold.”

  “I’m fine Guri. I just need to be alone.”

  He let out a sigh and got up walking back into the cabin. She cringed as the screen door slammed against the doorframe and she turned her eyes up to the sky.

  He left her alone for a little while, but eventually came back outside and sat down next to her. “Here.” He held out a mug. She took it in her hands and watched the tea bag bob up and down in the hot water. “There’s no food here.”

  “I’m not hungry,” she replied.

  “You will be. Would you mind if I went to the store?”

  She shook her head.

  “Are you sure you’re going to be okay alone?”

  “Um hm.”

  “Maybe you should go inside,” he suggested.

  “I’ll be okay.”

  Guri gave her a pat on the knee and stood up. “He’ll be back soon.”

  “What if he doesn’t…come back?” Hitomi could barely get the words out.

  “He will, or he’ll be immobile with pain.”

  “What?” Her head shot up.

  Guri suddenly looked incredibly uncomfortable like he had said something he shouldn’t have. “Um, it’s kind of one of those protector things. It physically pains him to be away from you.”

  “Physical pain?” she repeated with her voice wavering. A twinge ached in her chest and she wondered why she was feeling pain too.

  “He’ll be alright. He’ll be back.” He leaned down and put his hand on her shoulder giving it a light squeeze. “I won’t be too long.” Guri stepped away from her as his wings spread out. He flew up into the air and disappeared in
to the low cloud cover.

  Guri left her there with her mind reeling. She completely understood now why he had stayed so close to her. It had nothing to do with protecting her and definitely nothing to do with caring. Obi had to stay with her to avoid pain. This revelation made her feel even more juvenile. She pulled the blanket tightly around her and buried her head.

  Guri landed back on the porch within an hour carrying two large bags of groceries. He took them into the cabin and after a short time came back out with a mug of soup.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Eat,” Guri instructed as he sat down next to her. She let out a defeated breath and took the mug. “I’m sorry that you’re involved in all of this. There is an odd upheaval going on in the Afterworld. Everyone is drawing lines and taking sides. This is a terrible situation. I just wish you were not in the middle of this.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Hitomi shrugged and took a sip of the soup.

  Guri grumbled something under his breath, but Hitomi wasn’t interested enough to ask him to repeat it. As soon as she had finished her soup, Guri went back inside to leave her by herself. The sky eventually began to darken and Guri brought out some lit candles placing them along the banister. He covered her with an additional blanket and leaned back against the banister watching her.

  “Your mom gave us another bag of your things. Maybe she put a book in there for you.”

  “I can’t read in the dark.”

  “It’s getting really cold out here. You should come inside. I have the fire going and it’s nice and warm.”

  Hitomi nodded. “I’ll be inside shortly.”

  The cold began creeping into her skin as she shivered. She had to accept the fact that Obi was not coming back tonight. It made her nauseous as she thought that he’d rather be in pain than near her. Her eyes began to feel heavy as she curled herself up closer trying to ward off the frigid air.

  She was barely able to open her eyes as she realized Guri was carrying her inside. He put her into the bed and tucked the blankets around her.

  “Guri?” she mumbled into the darkness.

  “Yes?”

  “Do you really think Obi will come back?”

  “Yes. I do.” He adjusted the blankets around her again. “Get some sleep.”

  She heard the door shut behind him. Even the thoughts in her head couldn’t prevent her from falling back asleep.

  When she woke up the next morning she could hear the rain beating against the roof. Her body ached in places she didn’t realize she could ache. She still felt extremely tired as she pulled the covers around her tightly. The room was cold and her nose felt numb. She didn’t want to move from the bed. It was her own island that kept her from the fact that Obi was still gone. As long as she stayed secure on the bed, Hitomi was able to wonder if he had returned or not. But the pain inside her told her the truth of the situation as her mind continued to deny it.

  It wasn’t until she had been up for a few hours that she heard someone walking around in the cabin. She got up the energy to get off the bed as she kept the covers secured around her. Stumbling into the main room, she went over to the fireplace and curled up in front of it on the floor. She heard more noise from outside and she lifted her eyes to the door as Guri came in carrying a pile of firewood.

  He hurried over to her and dropped the wood beside the fireplace. Guri knelt down beside her. “Hitomi, are you alright?”

  “Um hm,” she nodded. “Just cold.”

  “You barely have any color.” He got up and went into the bedroom only to return seconds later with more pillows and blankets. After adding more wood to the fire, he got Hitomi comfortable on the couch. “Better?”

  “Yah. Thanks.”

  Guri let out an exasperated sigh. “I wasn’t aware that it worked the other way too,” he said as he sat down on the coffee table across from her.

  “What do you mean?”

  Guri rested his elbow on his knee and drummed his fingers against his cheek. “The first time Obsidian touched you his protector powers were awakened. He forged a link with you. But I didn’t realize that you would feel the effects of the link as well. I haven’t heard of that happening before. You must be feeling the same things as him.”

  “You seem to know a lot about all of this stuff Guri. How do you know so much, and Obi knows so little?”

  “I’ve been around for awhile. I was turned into a death god by one of the members of our governing council called the Savetto. I work for him. When the Heavens were exterminated he recruited me to work with him. There were some things that needed to be done to ensure,” he stopped short and shook his head. “I’ve already said too much.”

  “Heaven was exterminated?” Hitomi’s eyes widened.

  “Not exactly. The path to the Heavens was sealed. No one can access anymore. Most of the Heavens’ beings were either killed or reverted to beings for the Afterworld. Not everyone agreed with the absolute control.” Guri forced a smile. “Okay, enough of the scary stories. You need to get some rest and I’ll get you something to eat.”

  “I want to know more.”

  “Not now. You’ll learn so much more soon.”

  He got up and started to walk away.

  “Guri? You’re not a full death god, are you?”

  She heard his steps stop. “Nope.”

  A small grin crept across her mouth and she relaxed into the couch. She stared at the fire while curling the worn edges of the quilt around her fingers. Guri made some more soup and they ate in silence. She could tell Guri was deep in thought. He usually had a grin on his face, but now his brow was furrowed in concentration and his mouth in a tight line.

  She wanted to ask him to tell her more, because at least the conversation kept her mind from focusing on Obi. But she knew Guri would not tell her anymore now. So far she had found out that there had been a Heaven that now no one could get to because it was sealed by the Afterworld; there were ‘good’ death gods that didn’t agree and there were death gods like the one she met in the school hallway; and Obi and Guri were both some sort of hybrid belonging to neither world.

  Hitomi still had no idea what she had to do with all of this. All she knew was that she had the ability to heal with her hands, which was supposedly a trait of beings from the Heavens. If some had hid from extermination, could she be a descendant? That would explain the Afterworld wanting her dead. But it still did not explain her mother not telling her.

  The thoughts spiraled around in her head until they became a tornado of confusion. She became tired of worrying and tired of thinking. If she had a button that would turn her brain off, she would have pushed it. She had to settle for falling asleep instead.

  Her eyelids became a brilliant orange and she could feel the heat in the air. Her back was warm against the ground and her fingertips squished into the damp ground. She pulled her fingers back and rubbed them together feeling the grit.

  Opening her eyes she found herself staring up at a radiant turquoise blue sky. There was not a cloud in sight. She sat up not taking her eyes from the sky as the colors melted from blue, green, yellow, and finally orange. The sun sat partially covered by the vast indigo ocean in front of her.

  There were barely any waves, but just a soft tide trickling in every few seconds. She dug her fingers back into the sand underneath her and took handfuls as she stood up. She held her hands up in front of her and let the sand fall between her fingers.

  Slowly she walked to the edge of the water. Letting the water close over her feet, she watched as it retreated and then raced back up. The water was so inviting, she quickly stripped her clothes off and walked deeper into the sapphire abyss. She didn’t care what might be beneath her. All she cared about was the feeling of completeness she felt in the water.

  Just as she was about to dunk her head under the surface, someone called her name. She didn’t turn her head as she focused on the blue in front of her. She felt as though it was pulling her towards it.

  “Hi
tomi?” the voice shouted again closer.

  Was it Obi? Was he here? She shook her head trying to forget about him.

  “Hitomi? Don’t leave me!”

  Her eyes shot open and focused on the fire. It had only been a dream. She quickly closed her eyes to try to get back to her perfect beach. The screen door slammed and she heard footsteps thundering across the room towards her. She was lifted from the couch and arms wrapped around her. She felt instant warmness jolt through her body.

  “What’s wrong with her?” a voice said.

  Hitomi’s eyes instantly fluttered open recognizing Obi’s voice. She stared up at him as he glared across the room. Her heart began pounding rapidly.