The Good, the Bad, and the Unready: The Remarkable Truth Behind History's Strangest Nicknames
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According to the medieval Icelandic historian Snorri Sturlu-son, Sigurd set sail on a crusade to Jerusalem, fighting and defeating the ‘heathen’ along the way. One of his most famous exploits was the capture of a seemingly inaccessible cave halfway up a cliff face, which was defended by pagan robbers who mocked their enemy on the beach far below. In order to defeat them, Sigurd stealthily hoisted a ship on to the top of the cliff, filled it with soldiers and then lowered it on ropes in front of the mouth of the cave. His men then leaped out and easily overpowered the very surprised thieves.
After a brief spell in Jerusalem where King Baldwin I gave him a splinter of the Holy Cross, Sigurd returned to Norway and ruled without opposition.
Robert the Cunning see the SONS OF TANCRED
Boleslav the Curly
Boleslav IV, prince of Poland, c.1120–73
Little is recorded of Boleslav ‘Kedzierzawy’ except that he had to pay homage to the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick BARBAROSSA. This involved sending him a regular financial tribute, furnishing him with 300 knights for his Italian campaign, and appearing at his court when, in what must have been literally a hairy moment, the curly-locked prince came face to face with the red-bearded king.
Robert Curthose
Robert II, duke of Normandy, c.1054–1134
Contemporary historians William of Malmesbury and Orderic Vitalis agree that Robert was small and rotund, and that his father, William the CONQUEROR, once derisively called him ‘Brevis ocrea’, literally ‘short-boot’, a term which developed into the nickname ‘Curthose’. Orderic Vitalis gleefully adds that Robert was also nicknamed ‘Gambaron’, which, based on the Italian word for lobster, possibly refers to the duke’s possessing some crustacean-like characteristic.
On his deathbed William expressed his conviction that, under his son Robert, Normandy would be wretchedly governed… and wretchedly governed it was. As a ruler Robert proved magnificently inept, following the line of least resistance and allowing barons to do as they pleased. Captured by his brother Henry BEAUCLERC (see NOBLE PROFESSIONS) in 1106, Robert spent nearly thirty years of his life a prisoner in various castles in England and Wales. His last few years were in Cardiff Castle, where he appears to have employed his considerable free time in learning Welsh, since a pathetic little poem in that language is attributed to his authorship. The line ‘Woe to him that is not old enough to die’ is a miserable reflection on the life of a man better known for the size of his footwear than the size of his character.
Henry Curtmantle
Henry II, king of England, 1133–89
The extravagances of courtly dress held no charms for Henry, and one of the first innovations he made when king was to introduce the utilitarian knee-length cloak – the ‘curt mantle’ –of Anjou, as opposed to the ankle-length variety of his predecessors. Troubadours and tournaments he found dreary, preferring instead simpler entertainments such as those provided by a jester called ‘Roland the Farter’ to whom Henry gave thirty acres in Suffolk, for which, records state, ‘he used to leap, whistle and fart before the king.’
Walter Map, one of Henry’s courtiers, described him as ‘resplendent with many virtues’ but also ‘darkened by some vices’. When annoyed by one of his court attendants, for instance, the furious king ‘threw the cap from his head, untied his belt, hurled his mantle and other garments from him, removed the silk coverlet from the bed with his own hand and began to chew the straw of the bedding’.
Walter Map was in fact one of a paltry few who could find any good qualities in a king who otherwise garnered nothing but contempt: it seems that the weather-beaten, bow-legged, barrel-chested huntsman of a king had an innate ability to offend. According to the chronicler William FitzStephen, Henry once took immense delight in forcing his chancellor to hand over his magnificent, brand-new grey and red cape to a pauper who just happened be passing. Certainly Henry was not on the Christmas-card list of St Bernard of Clairvaux, who is reported as saying, ‘From the Devil he came and to the Devil he shall return.’
[D]
Peter of the Dagger see Peter the CEREMONIOUS
Abdul the Damned
Abdul Hamid II, sultan of the Ottoman Empire, 1842–1918
No Ottoman sultan was more loathed than Abdul Hamid. Some condemned him as ‘Abdul the Damned’, a man destined for hell for such acts of callous cruelty as instigating a campaign of terror resulting in the execution of some 25,000 Armenian villagers, and having the head of his imprisoned grand vizier sent to him in a box labelled ‘Japanese Ivories’.
Abdul the Damned
Others despised ‘Bloody Abdul’ for his cowardice. Paranoid about assassination, he rarely ventured out of his palace-cum-fortress, which he kitted out with trapdoors, observation posts and powerful telescopes, and he never slept more than one night in the same room. Dour, doleful and universally despised, Abdul Hamid died not from an assassin’s bullet but in exile, deposed by a people that found such an abject and venomous ruler quite intolerable.
James the Dead Man Who Won a Fight
James Douglas, second earl of Douglas, c.1358–88
During the reign of Robert the STEWARD (see NOBLE PROFESSIONS) there were several border clashes between the Douglases of Scotland and the Percy family of Northumberland. One confrontation in 1388, known as the battle of Otterburn, which was otherwise entirely forgettable, inspired a ballad in which James Douglas, who won the battle but lost his life, is made to say:
But I have dreamed a dreary dream
Beyond the Isle of Skye
I saw a dead man win a fight,
And I think that man was I.
Doggerel drivel has thus bestowed celebrity status upon an episode and an earl of little consequence.
Edmund the Deed-Doer see Edmund the MAGNIFICENT
Aud the Deep-Minded
Aud, Norse queen, fl. 850s
When her son Thorstein the RED (see COLOURFUL CHARACTERS) was killed while fighting in Scotland, the thoughtful Aud set sail for Iceland to start a new life there, with a mission to marry off her many grandchildren. In this she was wholly successful, with two of them finding partners en route – one on the Orkneys and the other on the Faroe Islands. Once in Iceland Aud searched for a place to settle, and a number of places on the island are named after little things she did there –‘ Kambsnes’ or ‘Comb Headland’, for example, where she lost her comb, and ‘Dogurdarnes’ or ‘Breakfast Headland’ where presumably she ate, rather than lost, her breakfast.
Soon all her granddaughters had found husbands. Her youngest grandson, Olaf, however, had yet to meet a suitable partner and so the ever-considerate Aud held a party – a singles night with a difference. At the gathering Aud announced that she was leaving her inheritance entirely to Olaf, and then she encouraged her startled guests to drink up and have a great time since the festivities were also her funeral feast. With that, she took herself to bed. The next morning she was found leaning against her pillows, as dead as a doornail.
Henry the Defender of the Faith see BLUFF KING HAL
Louis the Desired see Louis the KING OF SLOPS
Demetrius the Devoted
Demetrius II, king of Georgia, 1269–89
Bastinado is a form of torture consisting of the beating of the victim’s soles with a stick, an ordeal which Demetrius underwent when he surrendered to the Mongol il-khan Arghun in order to save his people from invasion. But Arghun was not a man to keep his word. Although he had promised that his forces would not attack Georgia if their young king came to his court in Mughan and paid homage, he had Demetrius first tortured and then beheaded.
The Georgians bewailed the loss of their tall, fair-haired and generous king, and for his sacrifice they styled him ‘Tav-dadebuli’ –‘ the Devoted’ or ‘the Man Who Sacrificed His Head’. Sadly his sacrifice was in vain. With Demetrius headless so was Georgia, and without an effective monarch the kingdom sank into squabbling anarchy.
Charles A Discrowned Glutton see CHARLES THE HARLEQUIN
Heneage the Dismal
Heneage Finch, first earl of Nottingham, 1621–82
Heneage was a lawyer who took no part in the troubles of the English Civil War, concentrating instead on building up a lucrative private practice. In 1660 he was elected Member of Parliament for Canterbury and was made Solicitor General and later Lord Chancellor. Lawyers remember him for his just and systematic administration. Almost everyone else remembers him for looking like death warmed up.
Divine Sovereign see Lady Wu the POISONER
Clovis the Do-Nothing King
Clovis II, Merovingian king, c.634–57
Clovis was the first of ten rois fainéants (do-nothing monarchs) who passed the time in idle luxury in secluded villas while the real power lay with the mayors of the royal palaces. Occasionally these kings made public appearances in oxen-drawn chariots, but it was only with the arrival of Pepin the SHORT in the early eighth century that royal authority meant anything again in France.
Dollheart see John LACKLAND
Dona Juana
Maria Louisa, queen of Spain, 1751–1819
Don Juan was a legendary heartless Spanish philanderer; ‘Dona Juana’ was a very real heartless philanderer who regularly and often cheated on her husband, Charles IV. One of her favourite sexual playmates was a former guardsman dubbed ‘the Sausage Man’. Some say this was because his home province of Extremad-ura was famous for its sausages. Others propose a more earthy reason.
Domesday Characters
The Domesday Book mentions a multitude of minor personages in eleventh-century England. We learn about Nigel, a priest who was William the Conqueror’s physician. We find men styled ‘the Crossbowman’ or ‘the Engineer’, who must have held responsible posts in the royal army. Others, also named for their professions, include ‘the Fisherman’, ‘the Cook’ and ‘the Interpreter’.
Some people are referred to by a nickname. Richard ‘Poignant’, meaning ‘biter’, suggests that the tenant of Trow Farm in Wiltshire was not the most mellow of characters. One can only hazard a guess, meanwhile, as to what earned Roger the epithet ‘God Save the Ladies’. Below is a sample list of other epithets and nicknames gleaned from the census:
Eadric the Blind
Alwin the Devil
John the Doorkeeper
Robert the Fair
William Hosed
Berdic the Jester
Geoffrey the Little
Leofgifu the Nun
Richard the Reckless
Godfrey the Scullion
Alwin Stickhare
Magnus the Swarthy
Walter the Vinedresser
Dracula see Vlad the IMPALER
Michael the Drunkard
Michael III, Byzantine emperor, 838–67
‘Basil the Macedonian’ was an upstart, a former groom who jockeyed his way into the good graces of those in power and finally persuaded ‘Michael the Drunkard’ to crown him co-emperor, whereupon he had Michael murdered in his bed. Byzantine sources, writing to justify Basil’s dastardly deed, portray Michael as a dissolute sot who partook in drinking bouts, horse races and religious burlesques while completely ignoring affairs of state. Yet modern scholars suggest that he was far from completely irresponsible, especially when it came to military matters. In 861, for instance, Michael and his uncle Bardas invaded Bulgaria and secured the conversion of the king to Christianity. A few years after their return, however, both fell prey to Basil’s henchmen.
Wenceslas the Drunkard see Wenceslas the WORTHLESS
Hugh the Dull
Hugh, lord of Douglas, 1294–1342
‘Dismal’ or ‘Worthless’, particularly if undeserved, must be hard nicknames to accept, but being known to history as ‘the Dull’ must surely be the most painful slap in the face. Annals of the great Douglas family of Scotland do not dwell on Hugh’s tenure as the head of the clan. ‘Of this man,’ wrote the early seventeenth-century historian David Hume of Godscroft, ‘whether it was by reason of the dullness of his mind… we have no mention at all in history of his actions.’ It appears that he was gormless. Without doubt he was heirless, handing over the mantle of authority to his nephew William.
[E]
Napoleon the Eagle see Napoleon the LITTLE CORPORAL
Napoleon the Eaglet
Napoleon Francois Bonaparte, titular king of Rome, 1811–32
Napoleon ‘l’Aiglon’, the sickly offspring of‘the Eagle’ (also known as Napoleon the LITTLE CORPORAL), was never in robust health. This painfully thin ‘king of Rome’ suffered from a persistent cough for most of his life, then contracted tuberculosis in his teens, and died aged just twenty-one when, in the winter of 1832, he literally caught his death of cold while watching a military parade.
Ladislaus the Elbow-High
Ladislaus I, king of Poland, c.1260–1333
Ladislaus may have been small in stature, but he stood tall among his contemporaries as a skilful diplomat, courageous warrior and revered king. At a time of feudal disunity he forged a union between Little Poland and Greater Poland, and won the approval of the pope, paving the way for Polish territorial expansion under his son Casimir the GREAT.
His tactics were not always conventional. In suppressing a revolt by Germans in Cracow, for instance, he used a simple language test, echoing the ‘Shibboleth’ test found in the Book of Judges in the Bible. Anyone who could repeat and correctly pronounce ‘soczewica, kolo, miele, mlyn ’ was free to go. Those who could not were presumed guilty and duly punished.
Edward the Elder
Edward, king of Wessex, d.924
Danish aggression was running slack, the Mercians (ruled by Edward’s formidable sister Aethelflaed) were in a compromising mood, and the hitherto independent residents of Northumbria and East Anglia were no match for his military supremacy. Peace on all sides ensured an uncommonly calm monarchy for Edward, whose neighbours acknowledged him as their ‘father and lord’ and, denoting rank rather than family relationship, their ‘elder’. Continuing the work begun by his father, Alfred the GREAT, Edward was able to prime England for complete unification, a goal achieved during the reign of his son and successor, Athelstan the GLORIOUS.
Sophia Charlotte the Elephant
Sophia Charlotte, mistress of King George I of England, 1675–1725
The people of England were surprised when they learned that their king, George the TURNIPHOER, was enjoying more than a platonic relationship with his half-sister Sophia Charlotte, not only because she was his sibling but also because she was ugly and enormous. The masses referred to her in elephantine terms while Horace Walpole, that connoisseur of fine things, wrote that she had ‘two acres of cheeks and a swollen neck’.
Alexander the Emancipator
Alexander II, emperor of Russia, 1818–81
The emancipation of the Russian serfs by Alexander II was, according to The Times of London, ‘the first and greatest… of Russian reforms’, but it literally came at a cost, not least to those it was intended to help. Most of the liberated peasants thought that Alexander, whom they referred to as ‘Little Father’, had given them not only their freedom but also their land. To their dismay they found they had to pay taxes, and that annual payments were higher than their former rents.
English Epithets
Below are five English noblemen with somewhat florid national epithets. In each case the individual is compared to an ancient hero. Whether their achievements warrant such comparison is a matter of debate.
Henry Our English Marcellus
Henry, prince of Wales, 1594–1612
Given his impressive political acumen and artistic insight, the young Roman Marcus Claudius Marcellus was expected to go far; however, he died aged nineteen, leaving his many virtues to be celebrated by a host of writers, not least by Virgil in The Aeneid. Henry was similarly a multi-talented young man: a superb swordsman, a keen patron of the arts and a man of deep piety. But, like Marcellus, he also died young, in his case at just eighteen, of typhoid,
leaving a nation to mourn and muse on what might have been.
Robert the English Achilles
Robert Devereux, second earl of Essex, 1567–1601
French soldiers called Essex ‘the English Achilles’ because of his acts of valour on the battlefield. But, like his Greek mythological namesake, he had a fatal flaw: his Achilles heel was his hot-headedness, which regularly got him into trouble and finally resulted in his execution after he publicly stated that conditions in England were ‘as crooked as [Queen Elizabeth’s] carcase’.
Henry the English Alexander
Henry V, king of England, 1387–1422
Like Alexander the GREAT, Henry was a man of military action. At the age of ten he was given his first sword, and at sixteen he fought in his first battle. Soon after coming to the throne he invaded France and in October 1415 won a famous victory at Agincourt when the French, outnumbering the English three to one, used disastrous tactics against Henry’s longbowmen.
Like Alexander, Henry was also over-fond of alcohol. Chroniclers furthermore state that in his youth he ‘fervently followed the service of Venus as well as Mars’ and a bevy of contemporary records, telling of his waywardness, leave little doubt that there is some truth to his reputation as something of a drunken wastrel.
Henry followed his namesake by dying in his thirties, in Henry’s case almost certainly of dysentery.
Henry the English Solomon
Henry VII, king of England, 1457–1509