by Ford, Mia
“I’m totally helping,” Heidi said. “You are overthinking this.”
“Well, it’s a lot to think about. Maybe I shouldn’t bother with either one and I should just stay single forever. That sounds like a solid plan.”
“Yeah, you’ve definitely thought that through,” Heidi rolled her eyes. “Look, you are starting to sound like a scratch record. I’m not sure you’ve noticed the pattern that has developed around you with regards to this situation.”
“Which is?”
“Everyone thinks you are crazy for breaking up with Jay.”
“We were never going out, not officially anyway.”
“Well, whatever it was you had with him, everyone thinks you’re bonkers for running away from it.”
“I didn’t run away from anything.”
“OK, maybe running away was the wrong choice of words.”
“You said running away,” I repeated. It was a bit offensive that Heidi would say that to me, but I knew that she was just trying to help. Sometimes Heidi was too blunt and came on too strong for her own good.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Heidi said quickly to indicate that she wasn’t nearly as sorry as I wished she was. “But it looks that way to everybody. We know how you feel and we think you are being foolish. There, I said it.”
“I know you feel that way and so do my parents,” I said. “But it’s just not so easy. I can’t explain where that comes from. I know it’s irrational and illogical. But I just have to do what I feel is right.”
“If you did what you really felt was right then we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You are the one who mentioned to me how conflicted you are about Tucker and Jay. I was only asking about your date with Tucker. You threw the stuff about Jay in there. That says something.”
She was right. If I was really happy with the decision and had followed my gut feelings then I would have been happy and not given Jay a second thought as far as having a future together. But I was. In fact I could barely stop thinking about it.
I wanted something, hell anything to break the monotony of my thoughts lately. Everything else in life had fallen into this comfortable, odd, little routine where there were equal parts boredom and wonder. Most of the wonder was directed at Jodie. I learned so much about being a baby from her. The way she signaled to me that she wanted things for instance. I just knew most of the time what she wanted. It was like discovering that I could speak some kind of second language I’d never studied before.
I got up to grab a few sodas from the fridge. My phone rang. It was my sister. I picked it up glad to hear from her.
“Hey, sis,” she greeted me. “What are you doing tonight?”
“Um, actually Heidi and I were just about to decide that very thing. We are kind of bored.”
“You will be glad that I called then,” she said. “You two should get dressed and come to this self-defense class I’m attending tonight. I found a flyer that said you can get tonight’s class totally free and it promises after just this class that you will be able to disarm any assailant no matter what size or strength level you are.”
I groaned. “I don’t know. That sounds more like a workout then a fun outing.”
“What’s going on?” Heidi asked.
I told her about the class. “Boring.”
“We aren’t that interested,” I said.
“Then can you at least give me a lift? My stupid car is in the shop. I really hope it isn’t the transmission. But I am without wheels at the moment.”
“Sure,” I said. “We will drop you off and then pick you up. What time?”
“Well, it’s a two hour class. So I guess nine-thirty works,” My sister said.
“What are you doing? That takes up our whole evening,” Heidi said.
“Like we were going to decide on anything? We always do that and just get ice cream and pizza while watching Gilmore Girls.”
“True,” Heidi said. “Do you think we are falling into a rut?”
“What? Like an old married couple?” I teased.
“Yeah,” she replied seriously. “I read a few articles that said best friends will often end up acting like spouses later into their friendship.”
“I do not think of you that way,” I said.
“Well, that hurts,” Heidi said.
* * *
“Where the hell is she?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but I think your sister has trouble telling time.”
“Oh, she is clueless with any clock that is not digital,” I agreed.
“I’ve heard that is an actual thing now. But to be honest I hardly ever see face clocks anymore. I almost forget how to tell time on one.”
“I just don’t think you pay attention,” I said.
“What?” Heidi asked. A giggle erupted from her throat. Heidi thought that every obvious joke that she ever told was the funniest thing ever. And sometimes her enthusiasm over a lame joke made it not so lame anymore. It might actually have been her superpower.
“She said it was over at ten, right?” I asked.
“Yeah, that’s what I heard.”
“Maybe we should go in?” Heidi asked.
“Why?”
“Well, it might be interesting to watch the last bit of the class. Maybe it’s just running longer and it’s an awesome class. I’m kind of wishing we’d went into it.”
“If you wanted to go we could have,” I said.
“Yeah, but I didn’t feel like doing that much movement and getting sweaty.”
We got out of the car and strode towards the building. Most of the time it was Three Fists Martial Arts Academy. And tonight they were teaching more controlled, more focused, self-defense techniques to amateurs like my sister. I understood why she might want to take a class like that after being attacked earlier in the year. I still thought about that and how close I came to almost losing my sister.
We entered the building and walked down a hallway towards a brightly lit room. I couldn’t see what was going on at first, but I was in awe of the amount of trophies and pictures hanging along the wall. It was all very inspiring and made me want to become a martial artist too. When I was a kid I thought I was going to grow up and be Chuck Norris because I watched all of his movies and could replicate every single move he made in every fight scene.
Ah, those were the days.
As we reached the large room I was impressed to see the turnout it had. Maybe Heidi was right and we should have gone to this. It wasn’t like we actually had anything better to do.
I could hear a man’s voice from the other side of the room demonstrating something. Heidi and I tried to just blend into the back and not disturb everyone else who was paying attention. The room already smelled of sweat. They must have had a lot of practice going on and not like a lot of these classes that are mostly just instruction and very little practice, at least that was what I’d heard from friends of mine who’d taken self-defense courses.
“Now, when someone grabs you from the back, it is very important that you firmly plant your feet and lean forward from the waist, not the neck and back. This will help stabilize you so that your attacker will have a much harder time pulling against your neck.”
The instructor’s voice sounded very familiar. It was loud, strong, and commanding. I still couldn’t see him over the group of women, but as I adjusted my position I began to make him out. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Of all the self-defense classes in all of the towns…
It was Jay. He was teaching the class.
Suddenly, I began to feel a bit of a setup. What was going on?
I’d moved to the side of the group and near the front with Heidi coming in right behind me and I could plainly see that Jay was demonstrating the techniques with a volunteer who looked all too happy to have a sexy guy like him wrapping his arms around her, even if it was against her throat.
Oddly, I felt a ping of jealousy. Dammit…would I ever be able to be near him without him having that kind of
effect on me?
Jay continued. He had yet to spot me.
“Now, what you are able to do from this position is create a little slack where you can move to the left or the right side. And in doing so you are now in a position to use close striking techniques. You can twist in to elbow the ribs or you can even stomp the top of the foot. Unless that person is wearing steel toed boots a hard heel stomp to the upper foot, especially around the toe area, will break some bones. It’s hard to chase somebody with a broken foot.”
The ladies giggled. I couldn’t help an eye roll.
“Ok,” Jay said. “Lisa, if you want to give it a try.”
Lisa went through the motions slowly and elbowed Jay to the ribs and then twisted away from him.
“And now she is in a position to run if she wanted to, or if she really wanted to ensure the highest rate of an escape she would make sure I was debilitated before moving on. The easiest way is to distract with a hand to the eyes and then knee the groin, or a straight kick to the knee cap.”
Lisa demonstrated slowly and the other ladies clapped.
I glanced at Heidi who was laughing.
“Ok, everyone. That is all the time we have for today. If you are interested in learning more we want to make this a regular weekly thing if we can generate enough interest. So please go on the website and sign up for classes. Tell your friends; the first class is always free and there are no contracts or commitments. Thanks and have a great night. Be safe.”
The class ended and the ladies disbursed. My sister, Brie came rushing up to me.
“Hey! Sorry, the class went longer than I thought it would,” she said.
“What is this?” I asked.
“What?” Brie looked at Heidi, both shrugging and pretending to be dumb.
“Is this some weird game where you guys are trying to get me and Jay alone together?” I asked.
“What do you mean? You and Jay are alone together all the time when you pick up Jodie,” Brie said.
“It’s not the same thing,” I said. “We chat about boring stuff, but mostly I rush him out of the house by pretending to be busy and half the time I meet him at the door. We barely talk for thirty seconds. You know this. I confided in you.”
I’d always been very open with my sister and with Heidi. They both knew that I had feelings for Jay, but they also knew I had a very specific plan for my life and my child’s life and they did not include military life.
“Just talk to him,” Heidi said. “I’ll drive Brie home. You two need to figure out some stuff.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t need to figure anything out.”
“Don’t give me that,” Brie chimed in. “You are miserable. Everyone can see it, except you.”
I was so angry at the deceit I was shooting daggers at them with my eyes. How dare they set up this elaborate ruse to get me to fall into their plans?
“Bye,” Brie said walking away with Heidi giggling.
“Hey, this isn’t funny,” I said.
I started to follow them. “I’m not staying.”
“I wish you would,” Jay said suddenly appearing behind me.
Before I knew it I’d turned around and engaged him. Damn.
“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “They set up this thing…”
“Well, I may have had something to do with it,” Jay said.
“What?”
“Inadvertently, I mean,” he said. “I happened to run into Brie downtown and told her about the class. After what she went through I thought she might want to sign up for it. And we were talking and she said she was worried about you. I seconded the concern and let it slip that you and I didn’t really talk much anymore.”
I didn’t know whether to be angry or somewhat happy about what had he said. I felt betrayed and deceived. Why was everyone trying to run my life? Sure, I felt like my head was in an ice chest half the time and I didn’t know which way was up on certain days, but I was dealing with the stress of it all and I thought I was doing a pretty fantastic job. I didn’t need any outside help or interference from anyone else.
“Well, I’m leaving,” I said. “I need to go.”
“Why won’t you talk to me?” Jay asked.
The tears hit my eyes and I pushed hard to keep them from falling. Why was it so hard to be near him? Why couldn’t I just let go?
“I do talk to you,” I said, knowing exactly what he meant.
“Not really,” Jay said. “We chat for a brief moment when I pick up Jodie. Usually you meet me at the door with her and the past few times you’ve had me pick her up and drop her off at your parents and you aren’t there. It’s obvious you are trying to avoid me.”
He was right. I had been doing that. Come to think of it, I hadn’t actually spoken to Jay other than the occasional text about Jodie in weeks. But my mind had not been at peace about it anymore than it was before. It was actually making things worse. I thought about him all the time. No matter what I was doing I had to wonder what he was doing and how he was and how I wished he was with me. Everyone else was right; I was miserable.
But I’d been trying to distract myself with Tucker, and I thought it was working out well. But it had created a tug of war in my mind where it just went back and forth between what I wanted and what made the most sense to me. I was beginning to figure out that sometimes life just didn’t make that much sense and you had to do things you never thought you would do because it made you happier. There was no cut and dry sometimes.
“I’m not trying to avoid you,” I lied. “I’ve just been busy. But, how have you been? You look great.”
“Yeah, well I’ve been doing better,” Jay said. “I’ve been…” He paused as if he was hesitating about something. “I’ve been focusing on work a lot and just trying to keep moving. It helps keep me grounded.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant exactly, but I was very curious. The way that he held back though told me that it was pointless to push him to continue. We were alike that way; both too stubborn for our own good.
“Good,” I said. “Well, I’ve got to get going.”
“Why are you fighting this?” Jay asked.
I stopped in my tracks as I was heading towards the door. He knew me too well. It was like he could almost read me and he could decipher every move I had before I made it. That was one of the things that had so drawn me to him.
I turned to answer him. “There is nothing to fight.”
“Are you telling me that you don’t think about me, about us? I can see it in your eyes. I think it’s hard for you to admit that you’ve fallen in love with the guy that you swore you would never get involved with.”
“You don’t know me as well as you think you do,” I said. “I’d appreciate it if you would not put words in my mouth.”
“Then say the words yourself,” Jay replied. He was standing close to me now. I could smell his musky, masculine sweat, piqued by a small amount of perspiration that just made me want him so badly. He was so close to me. He could have just reached out a little bit and held me in his strong arms and pulled me close. Yes…
“I don’t need to,” I said. “Why are you trying to force this?”
“Why are you trying to hide from it?” Jay asked.
“Because it isn’t what I want.”
“It is what you want,” Jay said. “What we have, this is what most people spend their lives looking for. I think you are scared and you are just looking for an excuse not to go on with it.”
I glared at him. How dare he tell me what I was thinking?
But I knew he was right. Deep down I knew he was right.
“I don’t care what you think or say,” I said. “You and I are done. It was a mistake from the start.”
“How can you call it a mistake? We have a beautiful daughter together and we planted the seeds of an amazing love that I am ready to embrace. I’m just waiting on you to come around.”
“We were never a couple. If anyone else heard you talk that way t
hey’d say you were a stalker or something.”
Jay laughed. “Well, now you are laying it on rather thick.”
I smiled and shook my head. What was I saying?
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know you are a good man. And if circumstances were different then who knows? But they aren’t. I’m facing reality.”
“The reality you are facing is the one you created with your own rules and fear.”
How did he always know how to put what I was feeling into the perfect words? It was infuriating.
“Well, it is my choice,” I said. “I don’t want this. It’s not the best thing for me or for Jodie.”
“I disagree,” Jay said. “I think you do want this.”
“You’re wrong.”
He was closer now. I could almost smell his sweet breath.
“Are you going to tell me that you haven’t thought about me? You haven’t wished that we were in bed together, holding each other, kissing, caressing, being together…?”
His voice was so soothing, almost hypnotic. Every single thing he was saying was true. This felt so right. Why was I fighting the urges that I had? I wanted him just as badly as he wanted me? But the panic that raced into my head every single time I caught a moment of weakness and wanted to give in to what I was feeling was too great. It continued to snap me out of it.
He was leaning over me now, getting closer. He was going to kiss me. Oh, God… why? Why was it so hard to resist him? I couldn’t. I had to be with him…
His lips touched mine and every single doubt and fear I had left my body as I began to tremble and crumble into his embrace. His hands were behind me now, resting in the small of my back. He brought me closer until our pelvises were touching. His crotch was against mine. I was vaguely aware that the door to the building was still open and the fact that other people might have still been there.
“God…”I moaned.
“Hmmm, you are so perfect…” Jay moaned back in my ear as he kissed it, whispered into it, and slid his tongue so sexily over the outer lobe. His warm mouth being so close to my ear sent chills cascading all over me, up and down the spine, and roaring out into my limbs.