by Ford, Mia
I was so hot. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted someone. I didn’t want to make love. I wanted him inside of me, giving me every single thing he had to bring us both closer to the edge of pure bliss.
I reached down and yanked his sweatpants down hard. They fell to his ankles. He was wearing boxers. I thought about ripping them down as well, but instead I decided to tease him a bit and I started massaging his cock through his boxers. It was big, and growing harder by the moment.
“Shit…” He moaned at my touch. I squeezed his cock hard through the silky fabric.
“You like that?” I asked. “You want that cock squeezed… you deserve some punishment don’t you?”
“Yes…” He groaned softly.
Jay’s hands had moved downward and were now reaching up under the skirt I was wearing. He quickly found my panties and ripped them off with one quick motion. I’d always found it terribly exciting to have a man actually ripping my clothing from me. It was animalistic and full of lustful rage. It was erotic as hell.
I was getting so wet… I needed his cock deep inside of me and I needed it now. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand it.
Suddenly, two of his thick fingers were inside of me. They slipped right in casually pushing the outer lips away and invading my body with the greatest of ease. It felt amazing. I instantly gasped as a shudder rocked through my body. I felt almost as if I were about to have some kind of huge, orgasmic seizure that might never end.
But it simmered down a little bit within minutes as he pushed his fingers in and out of me, fingering, tugging bit on my box, and hitting the trigger button of my clit every so often just to give me a much appreciated jolt of ecstasy.
I couldn’t take it any longer, so I jerked his cock free of the boxer shorts. It was even bigger than I remembered. It was so thick that it made my slender fingers look small as I tried to wrap around it. I pulled it towards me, pulling off the top of it and giving special attention to the top of the head. His dick pulsated and vibrated with every single stroke. The expression on his face was one of divine bliss.
“That feels so good…I’ve missed this…” He whispered.
His fingers were still deep inside of me and getting even deeper it seemed. I felt like I was being split in half to reach my utmost inner, secret, pleasure centers. The more he fingered the better it felt. My body was undulating backwards as if trying to wrap itself around his entire hand to accommodate it. But it was about to reach the end of the line. I needed something more.
I moved off his fingers and quickly turned around hiking my skirt up to give him easy access as I bent over a flat weight bench in the corner of the room next to us. I hear him hike his boxers all the way down and rip his shirt off before he quickly entered me.
His hard cock shoved into me hard and fast. He was holding nothing back as he grabbed a fistful of my hair and proceeded to fuck me silly.
“Yes! Harder!” I screamed. It had been so long…I’d craved this. I needed this. Everyone else was right. Why was I fighting my feelings? The sex with Jay was so amazing because we were a perfect physical match for each other and also due to the fact that there was real love there. I loved this man. I wanted him.
Jay was right though; I was so scared. And I knew that after this sex was over I’d be left alone with the fear again. But right then I didn’t care. I was not in the same logical headspace that I was normally in and it was not the time to make any life decisions. I just wanted to feel great.
Jay was pounding so deeply inside of me and so hard that I was starting to bounce off him, but he was holding me firmly in place by gripping my hair tighter. It was so hot, the pain added to the pleasure. I wasn’t sure why that had always turned me on, but it was one of my secret desires. And Jay instinctively knew it.
“I’m going to come!” Jay groaned.
“Yes! Do it!”
I was ready for it. I’d thought of his amazing orgasm exploding inside of me almost every day at some point for months.
And finally, here it was.
Jay groaned loudly as I felt him release within me. I bucked my hips back against him as hard as I could, trying to milk him for all it was worth. Then he held me firmly against his cock as he stayed inside of me pushing and letting go of everything, his body full of tension and total want for me.
Finally, he relaxed and leaned against me, gasping for breath. Sweat was running down his body, giving his muscles a glistening sheen that I found beautiful.
I turned around and grabbed his dick even as he tried to turn it away.
“It’s too… too sensitive right now…”
“Bullshit,” I said with a cackle as I grabbed hold of it. I rubbed it feeling the last remnants of his load seeping out the end into my hand. “Lie down now,” I ordered.
He did as I commanded and I dropped down on top of him, quickly placing his still hard dick back inside of me.
Then I proceeded to ride him until I had an epic orgasm. When we were done he could hardly walk.
After the sex reality came back to me hard. I knew that I would never be free of my feelings for Jay. We were almost made for each other and it was just something I couldn’t allow myself to deny anymore. At the same time I couldn’t allow myself to compromise my ideals to settle down with someone when I knew I would constantly be living in the grip of fear, the fear of abandonment. It was almost like an obsessive compulsive phobia that was greater than the logic of it dictated, but despite months of trying to sort it out I couldn’t.
By the time I got home I was almost in tears. Jay was the man I loved, but Jay was also the man that I stood the biggest chance of being hurt by. And I knew he was a great man. He was loyal and kind, and he was a great father. But he was a career military man. And if you knew anything about military men, they were already married—to the military. It was not just a job; it was a calling. It was a way of life and they were never really “off the clock”. The world didn’t rest. They served the country and they had to be ready at a moment’s notice to follow their orders.
No matter what anyone said I would never be happy living in that sort of fearful grip. I wasn’t happy without Jay, either. It was a real catch twenty-two. I knew I had a choice to make, but I didn’t see why I had to make the choice now. I had time.
But the thought that scared me most about taking my time with this decision was that Jay had a choice too. Would he wait until I made up my mind, or would he decide it wasn’t worth it and move on with his life?
Chapter Nineteen
Jay
I poured another mug full of coffee into my travel cup and headed back out to the back yard where my canoe was starting to show some real promise. I wasn’t sure what made me decide I wanted to build a canoe, other than the fact I had never put one together before. I didn’t like the water that much and I might take it fishing occasionally if I did decide to keep it, but I knew more than likely I would sell it.
It was late in the afternoon heading into evening and I was glad to have the day over with. I’d had a good, productive day of drills and training with the new recruits and now I was looking forward to an evening of building and then maybe catching a good movie on television. Hell, I might even do some reading. I’d been meaning to catch up on that. I’d heard somewhere that a good goal for ambitious readers was to get through at least a hundred pages a day. If you did this for five years you would be well-read. Of course, I think they forgot to mention to people that you needed to focus your attention on reading factual information and not just novels.
I’d been trying to stick with fifty pages most days, but I was slacking a bit behind.
Really, I was just trying to keep myself distracted so that I wouldn’t sit around dwelling on Naomi. It had been about two weeks since that night in the martial arts academy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’d just laid my soul bare at Naomi’s feet and I’d touched something inside of her that led me to believe I was on the right track to getting through to her. I knew
how she felt about me. She cared about me as much as I cared about her.
But it was becoming clearer that I might have to make a choice between the woman I loved and the career I loved if this was ever going to work between us. It was funny to think about. She was as stubborn with her feelings as I was with mine. I wanted her to relent and let go of those feelings, those asinine fears, and accept that I was always going to be involved in the military and she wanted me to give it up and devote my life to her and Jodie, which I didn’t see what that devotion had to do with my career choice. We had been at an impasse for a long time and I had the feeling that one of us was about to wear thin on it.
And it was frightening to think that it might actually be me.
I finished sanding the top of the boat and then stood up to give my back a stretch. I realized this was a good place to stop for now and maybe drive into town to pick up some food. I hadn’t eaten since late morning and my stomach was really starting to gnaw at me.
A few minutes later I was pulling up to the window of the Piggly Wiggly, a great BBQ place that specialized in pork sandwiches (some of my favorites). I ordered the usual and a side of curly fries and then just to throw my diet all to hell for the day I added a chocolate milkshake. It was all about balance; I usually gave myself one big cheat meal a week to keep my sanity. I did feel a bit guilty about it because of all the martial arts training I’d gotten into recently, though. It had been great at keeping my mind steady and reaffirming that strong mind/body connection.
I’d just left the restaurant and was heading on home when I saw her. I would have missed her if I hadn’t been stuck at a red light for so long waiting for a long tractor trailer carrying a big load of logs to get by.
“I don’t believe it…” I muttered to myself.
There was Naomi. She was wearing a sexy dress, her hair was done up nicely, and she was wearing just a smidge of makeup which made her already beautiful features sparkle just a little bit. She’d never been the type to wear much makeup since I’d known her. The woman was gorgeous and just didn’t need any extra help. But tonight it looked like she’d pulled out all the stops.
And then I saw him. He was tall, medium build, and wearing what looked like a very expensive tailor made suit. His hair was slicked back in an almost gangster style, but he wore thin, wire framed glasses. I couldn’t tell if he was a geek trying to look cool, or a cool guy trying to look geek. He had a goofy smile plastered on his baby looking face.
And he was walking arm in arm with Naomi. They were just coming out of a donut shop (the donuts there were the best) and the two of them were laughing pretty good, as if they were having the best time without a care in the world.
I couldn’t help feeling crazy jealous, and I’d never been a jealous guy before. Of course, I’d never been in love with a woman before. Any other woman I’d ever been with I didn’t care if she stayed or left at any moment. It was just fun times with fun women, but with Naomi…watching this unfold before my very eyes was like taking six hard shots to the ribs. I felt a heavy weight on my chest as if I’d forgotten how to breathe.
The man she was with suddenly leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips.
I felt like I was going to throw up. The nausea rose up within me and I felt literally sick from head to toe. What was I watching? What was I witnessing here? And why was this torture being thrust upon me?
A horn beeped behind me, startling me out of my head. The light had turned green and the large truck was gone. I eased my foot onto the accelerator and proceeded towards home.
By the time I reached my house I’d stirred myself up into a minor fit of despair. I knew that Naomi and I were still not exclusive, even if we had hooked up recently, but I thought that it meant there was still hope, that we were breaking some ground and making some headway.
But it was becoming more clear all the time that no matter how many steps forward we took, Naomi would always take about five giant leaps backwards before I could even blink. It was just so disheartening.
I went in the house and sat down in front of the television. I turned on a football game and proceeded to eat my food. It was a nice little reward for the pain I’d just experienced. By the time I finished my meal and let my head get immersed in the game I was feeling better.
Naomi would make her choice and I would have to live with it. There was only so much I could do. But I was starting to wonder if it was worth it. I really felt like giving up and not even trying. It appeared to be that she wasn’t. She was out on a date with another man. I wondered if they’d been intimate. Had they slept together? Were they sleeping together before the last time that Naomi and I slept together?
Ugh, that thought brought the nausea back again. But I immediately pushed it out of my mind. No. That was not happening. From what I knew of Naomi, she and this guy were not being intimate. She would have said she was with someone if there was anyone serious in her life.
What we had was a complicated mess and I didn’t think she (or anyone else for that matter) had the mental fortitude to deal with two messed up relationship at the same time.
Was that what we had? A relationship? I just didn’t know. I wanted to reach out to Dr. Myles, but I didn’t want to give her the impression that I was regressing in my progress, because I didn’t think I was. This little incident was trying to incite feelings of depression and anxiety within me, similar to how the nightmares about my brother (which I had not had in almost three peaceful months) used to do, but I was more in control now. I was fine.
Nothing had really changed. Only the illusion of what I thought was real had changed. It had been more grounded in the reality of the situation. It was a good thing. I could almost hear Dr. Myles’ words in my head as I worked through the issue. It was all about managing expectations. So much of our own unhappiness in life was due to unmet and unmanaged expectations. As soon as we let go of the fact that we have very little control over the world around us and especially other people, then the freer we would become.
I was not going to let this change my feelings about Naomi, or the hope that we would be together one day. My love for her was real and any time that I ever questioned it or thought about just letting go of it to move on because waiting for her to come around had become difficult, I just remembered that any real love was worth fighting for.
Chapter Twenty
Naomi
I took a bite of the strange Mexican dish and allowed it to exfoliate inside my mouth and mingle with my taste buds. It kind of made me feel like some wine expert trying to decide how vintage a certain bottle was and comparing it to another year.
“Well…” Tucker asked. “How is it?”
“I think it’s great,” I said after a few moments. And it was. The dish was full of taco seasoned beef, some sausage, some ham, and mixed with corn, rice, guacamole, and an insane amount of cheese. I couldn’t quite pronounce the name, but it was awesome.
“I told you,” Tucker replied. “This truck was here the last time they did this food truck festival. I’m glad we got to it early because once the word catches on the lines for it are always insane.”
It was Tucker’s idea to go to a food truck festival on the outside of town near McGoins Park. I’d heard of food truck festivals and we’d even had a few in our town, but I’d never taken the plunge and gone to one before, mostly because it just seemed like too good of a reason to sample a massive amount of amazing (but so unhealthy) foods and I didn’t want tempt myself to that extreme. I had a feeling I was going to be a bit sluggish on my jogs for the next few days and getting out of bed was going to be a hassle.
But it was a fair trade off; the day had been beautiful with Tucker and Jodie, who was sleeping peacefully in her carrier.
“Well, you certainly know your way around fine foods,” I teased.
“Just because it is cost effective and being sold in a mobile truck does not mean you can’t call it ‘fine food’,” Tucker joked.
The weather was beautiful.
The temperatures were near sixty-five, the sun was shining, only a few white clouds floated gently in the sky. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to clear my head of things and just have fun without any pressure. That was what I was after most with Tucker, no pressure.
It had been a few weeks since I’d seen Jay. The past two weekends I’d arranged for him to pick up Jodie for his weekends with her at my parents’ house. After our lovemaking session in the dojo that day I’d been craving his touch even more than before. I didn’t know why I kept doing this to myself. I knew that every time I allowed him inside my heart or we made love, it always led to me feeling heartbroken.
But luckily I had Tucker. He was such a welcome break from the stress of dealing with my feelings for Jay. I was glad that Jay was putting the ball in my court. I expected him to start actively pursuing me again after the night in the dojo, but he hadn’t contacted me at all, other than to arrange the times to pick up Jodie. This somehow made me feel safe.
And at the same time, oddly enough, it gave me a bit of paranoia. Were Jay’s feelings for me faltering a bit? Was he getting to the point where he had given up on the idea of us completely? It was what I claimed I wanted and really felt I wanted, but at the same time that idea scared me a bit. And I knew that it wasn’t fair to Jay and I hated that. He was a good man and I did not want to hurt him in any way.
“I’ll take your word for that,” I said.
“Next, I think we should try that ice cream truck,” Tucker said pointing to the truck across the way.
“Can’t I finish this, first?” I asked.
“You can, but then you will be full and not able to try everything else.”
“Well, they gave me a lot of it and it is so good,” I protested.
“You are going to be sorry when you are full…” Tucker teased.
I took his advice and we went from truck to truck sampling everything. All of it was amazing (some more than others of course) and by the end of it I felt like I was going to explode. I had not eaten that much delicious food in a long time.