Mothers of the Year

by Lori Handeland

  “Can you accept it?” her mother asked, voicing the question Lily had been trying to answer since leaving the AP’s office. “I was hoping that wanting to see Dr. Gruber was a sign you were ready to try.”

  “So was I.” Lily stared at the dashboard.

  “So controlled.” Rose’s finger tipped Lily’s chin and turned her face until they were eye-to-eye. “So careful. You’ve needed everything to be right and perfect and planned down to the last detail for so long. Too long. Keep holding on to life that hard, and you’ll strangle all the pleasure out of it.”

  Pleasure?

  Fun loving on the outside, effortlessly successful in everything, blessed with a wonderful man who’d made a place for her in his life. That’s how the world saw her. But it seemed like forever since Lily had felt pleasure in any of it.

  “Losing Carter was a terrible thing for all of us,” her mother added. “But—”

  Lily fumbled with the doorknob.

  “Stop it!” Her mother locked the doors from her side of the car. “We’re talking about this. I’m tired of dancing around it. You’re father is, too. It’s been years, Lily, and you’re not the only one who’s had to deal with losing him. You’re just the last one to let go.”

  Let go and move on, Tyler had said.

  Lily gazed out the windshield, finally accepting that it was her husband’s ability to face reality that she’d been running from, not her unfair accusations that he’d given up.

  “It’s hard,” she finally said.

  It was exhausting, making sure everything and everyone around her was okay. As if she’d ever had any real control over any of it.

  “It’s not your fault.” Her mother gripped the steering wheel. “Years of therapy, and the only thing I can say for certain is that losing Carter wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

  “Therapy?”

  “It’s the only way your father and I were able to get through it.”

  “Mom…”

  “Tragedy is hard enough, Lily, without the added pressure of feeling responsible for what happened, or for somehow making up for something that you’ll never make right. You’ll destroy your life that way. Your ability to love. Your father and I refused to let that happen. Now you have your own choice to make.”

  As if on cue, the front door opened and Tyler stepped onto the brick steps that led up from the walk. He looked harried. Worried. Hurt.

  Amazing.

  “Things in this life are never going to be perfect, honey.” Her mother unlocked the doors. “And neither will we.”

  She started the engine.

  Lily couldn’t move. Her heart was pounding in her throat. Static roared in her ears. Her whole body throbbed, panicked, at the thought of walking into her home and confronting the least-threatening person in her life.

  The man she suspected understood her better than she did herself.

  She’d been fighting to fill the hollow place in her heart for so long. She’d never let anything close enough, except the dream of having a child of her own. A little boy with gentle brown eyes like…like Carter’s.

  “I…I don’t know what to do now.”

  Her mother was wiping away her own tears.

  “You take small steps,” she said. “One at a time. You face what you really want most, and you find a way to believe in it, even if it means you might lose all over again.”

  Lily’s only response was to shake her head. She stepped out of the car.

  Her mother drove away, leaving her standing at the curb on her own. But she wasn’t alone, not really. Not as long as she still had Tyler’s love.

  I’ll be there if you let me.

  She walked toward him, guilt and fear kicking her heart rate even higher. She’d pushed him away so many times. Would he give her one more chance to believe? Could she really take it?

  She reached the top of the steps and without a word walked into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him as he folded her close. When she lifted her head and kissed him, she felt him start, heard his breath catch, then his groan tangled with hers. He lifted her to her toes and deepened the kiss.

  “Lily,” he whispered as he backed into the house and spun her toward their bedroom, kicking the door closed with his foot.

  IT HAD BEEN SO LONG since they’d made love and not focused on making a baby.

  Lily shuddered as Tyler’s need drove hers higher. His hands found the hem of her blouse. His fingers ran beneath the silk and roamed then massaged her back. His strength, his uncontrolled response, was hotter and wilder than ever before. He unhooked her bra, then he was cupping her breasts, kneading and flicking and pinching in a heavenly way that sent her senses soaring.

  “Honey, what is it?” he asked around her gasp. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” she lied.

  She nipped at his lip. Drank down his curse of desperation. Reveled in the strength that lifted her and carried her to the bed and tossed her on top of the covers he hadn’t taken the time to tidy that morning.

  Her husband stood over her, his breathing rough, coming from deep in his chest. His expression hard, needing. He ripped at his clothes as she worked with equal determination to be rid of hers. It had been so long. Too long. But even lost to the physical need consuming them both, his eyes were still so blue, so clear and concerned, her tears made a unwelcome reappearance.

  They were both free, skin to skin, his heart pounding against hers. The muscles of his forearms bunched beneath her hands. His fingers cradled her head. His thumbs wiped at the tears trickling down her cheeks.

  “What is it, Lily?” His next kiss was the softest thing she’d ever felt. It throbbed through her body, promising so much. Making her want more. “What happened this afternoon? If you’re not sure you want this, we can wait until—”

  “No!”

  She pulled him tighter against her. Her thighs cradled his body to where hers screamed for his touch. Her lips grazed the sensitive flesh on his neck in a caress that she knew could distract him from anything. No matter how completely unsure and confused she still was, she couldn’t go one more minute without what she really wanted.

  “Make love to me, Tyler,” she begged. “Love me, please.”

  TYLER KNEW he should stop.

  Stop! his mind kept telling his hands.

  Not possible.

  Lily was too sweet and warm, melting against him. Yearning, the desire that had always burned beneath her carefully controlled exterior flaming his even higher.

  Lily.

  Something was still wrong. He could feel it. They should be talking, about Dakota and the fact that they hadn’t really trusted each other since their plans for starting a family had begun to unravel. But all Tyler could do was pull her closer, bury himself inside her and drink her cries of pleasure. Her need.

  Lily needed him again. Maybe she’d never stopped. She was in his arms and begging him to love her. Nothing else mattered tonight.

  He’d have to trust that they would still be together come morning. That they could still hang on to the future.

  TYLER PULLED into his parking spot at the school and killed the ignition.

  A part of him wanted to shake his wife, for sneaking out of their bed and out of the house that morning. And driving to work on her own when she wasn’t supposed to be driving yet. Another part of him was proud of Lily for facing her appointment with Gayle Emory on her own, even though she hadn’t told him whether she’d decided to work with Dakota.

  Don’t be mad. I’ve got to figure some things out, was all her note had said.

  Mad?

  He wanted her back in his arms. His bed. After last night, he wanted to hold her close and hide her away and keep her all to himself until she promised to never run from him again. None of which he could do, so he headed for the building instead.

  His cell rang as he passed Lily’s vintage VW Beetle safely parked several spots from his Explorer. He checked the phone’s display and flipped it open, walking up the side
walk leading to the front of the building.

  “Hey, Marsha.”

  “Dakota’s missing again.” His foster mother’s voice was shaking, something Tyler had heard only a few times in his life. “Josh’s out looking for him, but Dakota may have been gone all night. His bedroom window was open, and none of the other kids saw him when they got up this morning.”

  “Maybe he just left early.” The Grayson house was only a few blocks away, and the streets were lined with sidewalks that made it easy for the kids to get to and from school on their own. “I’m at school now. Let me call you back once I know more.”

  He jogged inside and waved as he passed the receptionist without asking her to buzz him into the AP’s office. He raised his hand to knock on Ms. Emory’s door. Before he could, it opened, and he came face-to-face with his wife. Lily’s expression was strained, but a flicker of the fire that had mesmerized him last night still smoldered in her eyes.

  “Tyler!” She pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t get you up this morning, but I needed to do this on my own. And I wanted to run by my mother’s on the way to school. She…she helped me realize something important last night.”

  Her tentative smile didn’t last once she realized he was shaking his head. She frowned and stepped back. Tyler caught her before she could move out of reach, needing her close still. Needing her forever.

  “I want to hear about your morning,” he assured her. “Whatever you need, I want to make that happen. But we’ve got to find Dakota first. He’s run away again.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  “IF DAKOTA’S on school grounds,” Ms. Emory said. “He’s found a new hiding place I don’t know about. We have every available staff member looking, but there’s no trace of him. Principal White just got off the phone with Mrs. Grayson. The child hasn’t returned to the Grayson place.”

  Panic clenched in Lily’s chest. Tyler looked up from his cell call to Joshua and shook his head. No luck finding Dakota near his home, either.

  “I’ll take another look outside.” Lily left the school office, as her need to scream, to throw something, built. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could control it.

  Just half an hour ago, Lily had agreed to be Dakota’s shadow for the indefinite future, tutoring him one-on-one whenever possible. Accompanying him to group activities to observe his interaction with his peers, intervening if appropriate and working with the school counselor and children’s-services caseworker to design an individual plan that would give the bright child his best chance of success.

  “You’ll be like his mother here at Silent Springs,” Ms. Emory had said as she arranged for a substitute to take over Lily’s class.

  Lily bolted for the art room instead of heading out the side door to the grassy area where some of the kids hung out before the bell rang for class. Ashley wasn’t there, of course. She was with the rest of the staff, scouring the grounds for a lost little boy who didn’t have a real mother to keep up with him. He didn’t even have a grandmother who could deal with his special needs.

  I don’t have anyone.

  Lily stared at the table covered with hand-sewn hens that would be watching over Mr. Palmer’s chicks at the Spring Fling. Make-believe mothers, because Lily hadn’t wanted the kind of mess too many real birds might make out of an otherwise perfect day. The chubby little creations looked back at her with empty eyes, mocking the idea of there being perfect mothers or perfect children in the world. Perfect, safe families. Perfect anything.

  Perfect wasn’t important. Controlled and careful hadn’t kept Lily from failing at having a baby. It hadn’t gotten her a step closer to the happiness she and Tyler deserved, or buried the past once and for all.

  …a little chaos is a good trade-off…

  “Lily?” asked the person who had been there through the night, soothing her soul while their bodies had healed the loneliness they’d let grow between them. “We’ll find him.”

  “By hanging around here waiting for him to show up?” She turned to face Tyler. “We have to do something more. I have to do something.”

  “It’s not your fault Dakota ran away. Don’t take that on, too.”

  “I could have stayed yesterday and talked with him. I could have gone over to the Graysons’ and let him know I’d be spending more time with him at school.”

  “You told Gayle you’d work with Dakota?”

  “Like it did any good.”

  “It’ll do a lot of good, once we find him.”

  “Unless Mr. Kramer decides to send him back to a group home after this, and then I’ve lost my chance to—”

  “Then Dakota will get help from someone else!” Tyler raked a hand through his hair. “Stop taking responsibility for things you can’t fix, Lily. It’s pointless and selfish and you know better than that at school, even if you can’t figure it out in our personal life.”

  “Selfish!”

  “Indulgent.” His hard stare didn’t flinch at her gasp. “You’ve been running on guilt over Carter for so long, it’s your first instinct every time something goes wrong. And that’s fine. It’s normal. But the fact that you won’t even try to work past it is selfish.”

  “You’re lecturing me about not handling my feelings!”

  “Right. That’s my MO. But I’m doing everything I can to knock it off and figure out another way.”

  “Meanwhile, I’m being selfish.”

  “Beating yourself up isn’t going to help Dakota when he shows up here and you’re an emotional wreck. It’ll just make it harder for the two of you to get to work.”

  “He’s not coming here. Why would he, when he thinks no one will understand him?”

  The way she’d been so sure Tyler wouldn’t understand her. If Dakota was feeling even a speck of that kind of insecurity, no wonder he kept running.

  “You went to bat for him yesterday, Lil.” Tyler’s expression softened as he used the nickname she hadn’t heard since they were kids. “That’s a huge first step for him. He’ll trust you when the moment’s right. You two are a good fit. He’ll know that you understand.”

  “What?” she asked. Something Tyler had said…there was something—

  “You and Dakota are connected. You—

  “Fit!”

  Maybe I’d fit in better if I went to live with the flamingos.

  “Oh, my gosh!” She tugged Tyler with her as she raced out of the art room. “I think I know where he’s gone!”

  “I HEADED INTO THE BARN for some feed.” Mr. Palmer led Lily and Tyler through a corral where several ponies were standing docilely, their tails lazily switching at flies. “And I heard a commotion up in the loft where I keep the hay. When I headed up, this kid yelled down that if I didn’t stop, he’d jump. Something about there being no flamingos. Then you folks called from the school. I was getting ready to phone the sheriff.”

  “Dakota’s a student of mine,” Lily explained over the harshness of her own breathing. She and Tyler had run all the way from the car. “He saw my list of animals you thought you could bring for the Spring Fling, and he must have come to check out the exotic birds.”

  “Hell, I don’t keep those things here!” They slowed to a stop as they reached the barn. Mr. Palmer nudged his hat back and wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his faded chambray shirt. “I got a friend who works for a traveling zoo up in Rounder, and he hooks me up whenever I need something I don’t have here. All the birds except the chickens are his.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Lily peered at the opening to the barn’s loft—presumably what Dakota was threatening to jump from. Only one story up, it might not be a life-threatening fall, but she shivered just the same. “I’d like to try talking to him until the Graysons get here.”

  “Good luck,” Palmer grumped. He glanced over his shoulder at the sound of approaching vehicles. “That’ll be them there.”

  Tyler nodded, recognizing at least one of the cars at the same time Lily did. “I’ll go. You take care of Dakota.”r />
  He squeezed Lily’s shoulder before jogging away. She headed for the ladder leaning against the side of the barn.

  “Will this reach the loft?”

  “Yep.” Mr. Palmer squinted. “But I told you, the kid screams bloody murder anytime I try to head up.”

  “He’ll have a lot harder time jumping if I’m coming in through his escape hatch.” Lily grunted as she tried to wrestle the ladder into place. “Maybe you could stand by the steps inside, so he’ll think twice about scurrying down that way while I’m climbing in.”

  “I don’t know. We should probably wait for the Graysons.” Mr. Palmer eyed her peasant skirt and strappy sandals as he helped her with the ladder.

  Lily kicked off her shoes and climbed. She checked over her shoulder and saw Tyler returning with Marsha and Joshua, joined by, of all people, Mr. Kramer from children’s services.

  “Watch the steps inside in case he bolts,” she insisted to the hovering farmer. “And ask everyone else to give me a few minutes alone up there.”

  TYLER RACED to foot of the ladder that his still-weak wife was rushing up. She’d started climbing faster the second she saw him coming.

  “Lily!”

  Mr. Palmer lifted his hat and slapped it against his thigh. “She said something about wanting a few minutes alone with the kid.”

  Tyler held his breath. Lily reached the top of the ladder and said something to the child. Then she slipped inside.

  Alone.

  He turned toward the concerned folks behind him instead of following her.

  “She’s done a great job with Dakota at school,” he explained to Ralph Kramer. “Lily’s the one who guessed he’d be here. Give her a little time. If anyone can talk him down, she can.”

  “I certainly hope so,” Mr. Kramer said. “I was pleased to hear Assistant Principal Emory’s plan to give Dakota an advocate at school. And I know the Graysons are doing everything they can with the child. But if he refuses to stop running away, if we can’t help him attach—”